MM lies about home life

[Spark1111]

Good Grief...Here we go again...

 

Some will and some wont...

 

Right or wrong, MANY people put keeping the family together over personal gratification. Some people choose mild misery over total fiinancial collapse....

 

Your post is just chock full of broad genrealizations...You would be shocked how many people are coexisting in loveless marriages for the sake of kids/money or whatever...That doesn't necessarily make them wrong to do so, just that its what they decided to do...

 

TFY

 

yes, but AS chose to no longer live that way. She serves as a reminder that choosing freedom and happiness over misery is certainly not impossible to do, and as a single mom that took courage. I applaud her.

 

So if they choose mild misery over financial collapse, well then.....they too have made a choice, no?

 

How sorry can one truly feel for someone who's made their choice?

[Owl]

Good Grief...Here we go again...

 

Some will and some wont...

 

Right or wrong, MANY people put keeping the family together over personal gratification. Some people choose mild misery over total fiinancial collapse....

 

Your post is just chock full of broad genrealizations...You would be shocked how many people are coexisting in loveless marriages for the sake of kids/money or whatever...That doesn't necessarily make them wrong to do so, just that its what they decided to do...

 

TFY

 

Actually, I can agree with you that there are many, many people that remain in loveless marriages/relationships.

 

Here's the thing...most of them remain in them because they don't see a way out, a better life "outside" of that.

 

Where the premise falls apart though is that we see soooooo many stories here by OW/OM who talk about how horrible the homelife is of their MM/MW...and that the OW/OM are WILLING and CAPABLE of providing that "way out"...and yet those MM/MW still remain.

 

That's the breakdown here. When they DO have a way out...and yet they refuse to take it...when they theoretically have "something better" to run to...but they don't...that's usually a decent indicator that there's a disconnect between their story and the reality they are living in.

 

I remain skeptical when I read stories here about a MM/MW who remains in an "awful marriage/relationship" and yet refuses to end that relationship for a "better" one.

[waterwoman]

What I find odd is the way OW tend to see the BS as being the cause for all of the problems in the marriage while not assigning any of the blame to the MM. It is common to see OW brag about how wonderful and perfect the MM and then say terrible things about the MM's wife. He's always a saint while she's always the wicked witch. That doesn't make any sense to me. ...

 

If your MM really is unhappily married then that's as much a reflection on him as it is on his wife except not only is he not any better at fixing his marriage than his wife is he is also a cheater and liar in addition to whatever faults he brings to the marriage.

 

Yes, yes yes! I keep saying this on here.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Listen, there are many marriages that are contractual. The individuals do love each other, but it's a business relationship in many ways.

 

I am in the process (just had a flurry of texts this morning) of helping a friend that is an affair right now. She says she would like to get back what she HAD with her husband, but doesn't think that's possible.

 

They have huge (and I do mean) huge financial issues. It's spiraling. Then she complains about the misconnect between she and her husband and it's not really about the AP (yeah right). So I finally said, "If it's so bad, then get out". She said she feels trapped and she doesn't want to disappoint her son who is still in the house.

 

She isn't going anywhere right now and she isn't happy at all.

 

And I have another very good friend who married within "class". If that makes sense, they were from wealthy families and it was a good match. They had children who carry on the family name and it's a very comfortable life. She is not "in love" with her husband and their sex life is nothing because she isn't interested at all. She was very direct with me after my affair and said "People DO stay married for the children". That is what she's doing and also lifestyle. Although she had money when she came into the marriage, she also signed a prenup. I'm telling you they make it work because of their duty and responsibility to the kids and status. They do not love each other deeply.

 

Anyway - it takes all kinds, I guess...

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have seen both sides. Where there is true abuse (emotional or physical), I think some women will stay for a time because they are afraid and scared, but eventually (especially with children involved) they will get out. My best friend did that in her first marriage with two young children and not a penny to her name and her ex ended up owing her back child support (which down the road she forgave it - another story). But all that to say that she worked two jobs to support herself and her young kids until she met and married her current husband that she's been with for over 20 years. She is a huge advocate of women getting out of abusive situations.

 

But, on the other hand, if things are calm and decent and comfortable and there's no abuse, but let's say the spark is gone - there is no romantic love, etc. most people will not leave a situation like that to jump into the unknown with an affair partner where there are no guarantees. My xom said that on more than one occasion - even said it to my daughter. He said it to me. "What if I leave BS and then you decide you don't want me?". Of course at the time, I said "I would never leave you!". Well, there are no guarantees and he was much more practical than I was and he was definitely scared. He also told me that he felt like his parents and siblings would never accept me because they loved his wife and would always blame me and he didn't want me to live in that environment. That is something I definitely believe because now some 3 1/2 years later they treat me like I have the plague. I said "Merry Christmas" to his dad on Xmas and he said "HUMMMPH!" and walked away.

 

Anyway - we could probably all cite different reasons as to why people stay in marriages and in the end there is not one situation that is the same. Everyone stays (or leaves) for their own reasons.

[thefooloftheyear]

Again: the financial security out weighed the want for relationship with ap. being poor was more horrifying than not being in a relationship for that person.

 

I lived this. I was a new mother still in school and scared to support myself, wondering who would watch my children if I worked, how would I afford things, etc.

 

I used to cry about it to my friend who had four kids and she left her marriage and worked as a stripper to get out! She told me what I say now: "you will go when you truly had enough". I thought she was flippant, trite and unconcerned when she said it. I was offended.

 

But looking bank: SHE WAS RIGHT

 

A year after she said it to me things became so bad that I didn't care if I ate out of dumpsters with my kids. NOTHING would keep me in that relationship.

 

She looked at me like naive when I got offended. And I understand now...

 

Please understand I am not being critical of any decision you made..You did what YOU thought was right for you...I applaud you..Its just that every time you read that MM/MW cant leave for the sake of kids/finances all of the AP's rip that theory apart as if its IMPOSSIBLE that someone could actually forsake his/her own personal enjoyment for the sake of their kids or whetever. People do it each and every single day..Millions of them..

 

The bottom line is that people rarely measure all of the ramifications when an affair is commenced..And not all people that enter affairs are predatory sex fiends and homewreckers...They are made of of mostly good people that got caught up in a situation and they didnt use their head...I didnt, thats for sure..I wish I had the insight and direction afforded by sites such as this to guide me during the peocess. I wouldnt be as hurt and confused about everything as I am now..So many fine folks on here....I wish I had been here when the A started...Oh I wish..

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

I have seen both sides. Where there is true abuse (emotional or physical), I think some women will stay for a time because they are afraid and scared, but eventually (especially with children involved) they will get out. My best friend did that in her first marriage with two young children and not a penny to her name and her ex ended up owing her back child support (which down the road she forgave it - another story). But all that to say that she worked two jobs to support herself and her young kids until she met and married her current husband that she's been with for over 20 years. She is a huge advocate of women getting out of abusive situations.

 

But, on the other hand, if things are calm and decent and comfortable and there's no abuse, but let's say the spark is gone - there is no romantic love, etc. most people will not leave a situation like that to jump into the unknown with an affair partner where there are no guarantees. My xom said that on more than one occasion - even said it to my daughter. He said it to me. "What if I leave BS and then you decide you don't want me?". Of course at the time, I said "I would never leave you!". Well, there are no guarantees and he was much more practical than I was and he was definitely scared. He also told me that he felt like his parents and siblings would never accept me because they loved his wife and would always blame me and he didn't want me to live in that environment. That is something I definitely believe because now some 3 1/2 years later they treat me like I have the plague. I said "Merry Christmas" to his dad on Xmas and he said "HUMMMPH!" and walked away.

 

Anyway - we could probably all cite different reasons as to why people stay in marriages and in the end there is not one situation that is the same. Everyone stays (or leaves) for their own reasons.

 

 

VERY well said...You nailed it...

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

Actually, I can agree with you that there are many, many people that remain in loveless marriages/relationships.

 

Here's the thing...most of them remain in them because they don't see a way out, a better life "outside" of that.

 

Where the premise falls apart though is that we see soooooo many stories here by OW/OM who talk about how horrible the homelife is of their MM/MW...and that the OW/OM are WILLING and CAPABLE of providing that "way out"...and yet those MM/MW still remain.

 

That's the breakdown here. When they DO have a way out...and yet they refuse to take it...when they theoretically have "something better" to run to...but they don't...that's usually a decent indicator that there's a disconnect between their story and the reality they are living in.

 

I remain skeptical when I read stories here about a MM/MW who remains in an "awful marriage/relationship" and yet refuses to end that relationship for a "better" one.

 

 

Its not a guaranteed "way out"....You can divorce and blow the whole thing up, just to have the AP leave you holdiong the bag..How is that for a "way out"???

 

A "better one"? Lets face it, when the honeymoon period is over and yoiu arent banging them 20 times a week and sending them flowers every other day, reality settles in and maybe you wind up with the "same old same old" except now you only get to see your beloved children only every other weekend and you are living in a box above the local bakery. Yep, its better alright...

 

Just so y'all know...I was/am leaving my marriage and had planned to start a life with the AP...I knew it was going to be tough and take a lot of patience and understanding. She ended it because I didnt move fast enough for her and she never beleived it would ever happen. ....Its fine..My M should have ended long ago..But so much for the promise of a "way out" and a "better one"... Ill notify her promptly when the D is final, just so she knew I meant what I said....I hope she is content with her decision, because I wont go back now..

 

TFY

 

TFY

[ThatJustHappened]

I don't think all MM are lying about the state of their marriage. My mom and my stepdad lived a fairly miserable existance with each other for a few years leading up to their seperation and divorce. They did often sleep apart (but not always) and their sex life had dwindled to maybe once a month or every two months. They had spent several years fighting bitterly but then they stopped even doing that as they just ceased to care and no longer looked to each other to get their emotional needs met. Interestingly neither of them cheated their way out of the marriage and it was my mother who had to make the decision to end the relationship. When she did my stepfather didn't want her to go at all and was very emotionally distraught although he was clearly unhappy too. So yes I do think some people are telling the truth when they say their marriage is horrible.

 

What I find odd is the way OW tend to see the BS as being the cause for all of the problems in the marriage while not assigning any of the blame to the MM. It is common to see OW brag about how wonderful and perfect the MM and then say terrible things about the MM's wife. He's always a saint while she's always the wicked witch. That doesn't make any sense to me. The MM's miserable marriage says as much about him as it does about his wife. If my stepfather had told people that my mother had gained weight, that she was depressed and unhappy, that she was cold and unfeeling towards him, he would have been telling the truth. She was all of those things towards the end of their marriage. However he was irresponsible, miserable, mean and controlling. Didn't lift a finger in the house, rarely spent time with my two young brothers and when he did have to be with them he was miserable about it. Constantly bought himself expensive suits, golf clubs, vehicles, dinner out yet somehow he couldn't remember to pay the rent or utilities. He easily contributed at least 50% percent to the misery in that marriage (I'd say more like 75%) but I know hell would freeze over before he would ever admit to single flaw or fault within himself.

 

If your MM really is unhappily married then that's as much a reflection on him as it is on his wife except not only is he not any better at fixing his marriage than his wife is he is also a cheater and liar in addition to whatever faults he brings to the marriage.

 

This! How is the OW blaming the BS entirely for the bad marriage any different from a BS assigning all of the blame for the affair to the OW and little to none to her husband (which is something that OWs complain about all the time on here)?

 

A bad marriage is BOTH spouses fault, just like an affair is BOTH participants faults.

[thefooloftheyear]

OK, lilmiss, if I go with your rationale for a while in my head about your friend, saying she stays for the children, I'm sorry but I can't buy into it and this is why. Children of infidelity are terribly wounded, and often end up with serious issues of their own that carry into adulthood.

 

People who justify that they must stay in a bad marriage but it's ok to have an affair, are NOT putting the children first. In fact it's a serious gamble with their mental health. It's one thing to stay in a bad marriage, it is a choice, but when you drag an affair into it, that argument about it being because of the children doesn't wash with me when you bring an affair into it.

 

My history is where my opinion comes from on this and I feel very strongly about it, as I am the daughter of a father who cheated, among other things.

 

 

Please explain to me how badly children are affected by Infidelity?? Id say thats more of a cross to bear by the WS/BS. And what the hell does a little kid know about Infidelity?? Even if you explained it to them they probably wouldnt understand it, especially if the WS was coming home every day and making like there is no problem. .Kids view their parents in strange ways...The love/adulation they have can far outweigh any misdeed. I think, as they mature and become adults, THEN they might likely harbor some resentment.

 

Frankly as someone who came from a broken home, wound up living with the relative of the week because the gas was getting shut off or the water was getting shut off...That was real pain..I can honestly say that Infidelity would have been a walk in the park when food/shelter and the very basic needs arent being met.

 

TFY

[chaser0195]

I think that in some cases, especially with married men, their homes lives aren't so bad. They may not be perfect, but they are not so bad.

 

sometimes, they have issues that have nothing to do with their marriage, or there are issues in their marriage, but until there was an opportunity for an affair, they were put on the back burner or they were never that big to start with.

 

Then the affair starts ( or a friendship gets too close) and all of a sudden, the guy needs a reason to not feel guilty about being attracted to someone else. Suddenly, small issues become huge, things get exaggerated and all hell breaks loose.

 

That's what happened with us. My husband had a whole lot of issue sin his life that had nothing to to do with me. Things were fine between us. He developed a friendship with a woman at work, and all of a sudden ( in a matter of days) he went form telling me he loved me, he was happy, etc. to ' I love you but I'm not 'in love with you" and " I'm not happy"...

 

 

There's also the other woman...most won't feel too good about being with a married person who has a good marriage, has a kind and loving wife who has no idea things are as bad as he says they are. What is attractive about a man who does that?

 

 

Of course, not all marriages are like that...some really are bad, but an affair isn't the answer. It changes nothing, and only turns what should have been a quick end into a slow, painful and torturous death

 

I also wonder if a MM/MW does feel there are problems in the M that cause them to start the affair but when DDay hits they realize that the issues they had aren't as bad or as big of a deal as they first made them out to be.

[chaser0195]

Interesting question. My H says he did not complain about me/the marriage except to say there were issues he was not telling me about. I have no way to truly verify that, except to say that the AP was someone I know, and who socialized with us as a family, and her main interest was in pretending that I no longer existed (that analysis has been triangulated from several sources/events, so I am comfortable stating that as fact) and H accommodated her by never talking about me if at all possible - going so far as to be vague about our family activities every weekend so that she could imagine it was just him and our daughter doing things together, according to him. Now, she pursued him (verified information), so he didn't need to talk down the M as part of wooing her so to speak.

 

Those issues he mentioned to her turned out to be mountains made out of molehills once he told me, though I believe they did loom large in his mind. He has since spontaneously uttered (not during the course of Serious Marital Discussions) "I can't believe I was so stupid. Why did I think I couldn't tell you these things?"

 

What did happen, though, was that our relationship took a big hit during the affair because he was putting all his negative energy on me so that he could put his positive energy into the affair, and we did get disconnected although we never stopped having sex several times a week. That brings me to the issue of perspective. We had sex 2 or 3 times a week, but were otherwise not affectionate (he was working very long hours and blaming his increasingly bad attitude on work stress). Also, H has a high sex drive, so he always wanted more. I had a hard enough time getting in the mood for the sex we were having, though, given the emotional disconnect that was happening. Anyway, he came to me about half way through the EA, several months before the PA started, and told me he needed more affection and more sex from me, putting all the blame on me, leaving me resentful that he was never home and when he was, he never reached out for me, but somehow it was all my fault (naturally he did not admit what he had been doing with the AP).

 

In any case, he started coming home earlier and I went into overdrive trying to be the perfect wife, making the perfect home in all ways while still working bad being the primary parent), always making sure to show affection and have more sex, but none of that was enough, because he was too involved in the affair to notice. All this is to say that from his perspective, he had legitimate complaints about me/the M, but he was not being at all honest with himself about his very large contributions to the problem.

 

This whole post just answered my question.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

OK, lilmiss, if I go with your rationale for a while in my head about your friend, saying she stays for the children, I'm sorry but I can't buy into it and this is why. Children of infidelity are terribly wounded, and often end up with serious issues of their own that carry into adulthood.

 

People who justify that they must stay in a bad marriage but it's ok to have an affair, are NOT putting the children first. In fact it's a serious gamble with their mental health. It's one thing to stay in a bad marriage, it is a choice, but when you drag an affair into it, that argument about it being because of the children doesn't wash with me when you bring an affair into it.

 

My history is where my opinion comes from on this and I feel very strongly about it, as I am the daughter of a father who cheated, among other things.

 

I was discussing two separate issues. The last one I brought up is NOT having an affair. I also didn't say it was a bad marriage - it is pretty much a contractual relationship between the two of them for the sake of their children growing up with a mom and dad in the house. I'm just telling you what she told me - nothing more. She was being quite honest about why she stays where she is.

 

The first one I cited is a complete mess. I don't even know how to advise her well because I think she thought I would tell to ride off into the sunset with her AP and I haven't done that nor will I do that. I think she needs to address the issues at home first - including the financial difficulties. But, in the end, she will do whatever she chooses - I can't make her decisions for her.

Edited May 23, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[ThatJustHappened]

Please explain to me how badly children are affected by Infidelity?? Id say thats more of a cross to bear by the WS/BS. And what the hell does a little kid know about Infidelity?? Even if you explained it to them they probably wouldnt understand it, especially if the WS was coming home every day and making like there is no problem. .Kids view their parents in strange ways...The love/adulation they have can far outweigh any misdeed. I think, as they mature and become adults, THEN they might likely harbor some resentment.

 

Frankly as someone who came from a broken home, wound up living with the relative of the week because the gas was getting shut off or the water was getting shut off...That was real pain..I can honestly say that Infidelity would have been a walk in the park when food/shelter and the very basic needs arent being met.

 

TFY

 

If your parents had cheated on each other instead of whatever else it was that broke them up, you would most likely have ended up with a broken home anyway. Or in a home filled with tension, mistrust, and misery. Very small children may not be able to comprehend what infidelity means, but they can sure as hell comprehend the results of it, whether the parents stay together or not.

[So happy together]

I lived it. That's why I don't buy it. I stayed in a miserable marriage but the reality is my comfort still outweighed the bad. when the circumstances truly became unbearable I left not caring WHAT fate waited me for my children or I.

 

Your mm left. Yet more proof when someone is TRULY unhappy they WILL go

 

Yes, he did leave. But LOTS of people don't. I think of women who are beaten, and stay... what amount of comfort is worth living in that? But they stay. Women live with serial cheaters, they stay, even if it is a life if mistrust etc. People stay for different reasons. You never know why they stay, but they DO stay.

[Owl]

Yes, he did leave. But LOTS of people don't. I think of women who are beaten, and stay... what amount of comfort is worth living in that? But they stay. Women live with serial cheaters, they stay, even if it is a life if mistrust etc. People stay for different reasons. You never know why they stay, but they DO stay.

 

This brought something up I've stated repeatedly here.

 

In some things...why is irrelevent. This is one of them.

 

If you're the OW/OM...the "why" that they stayed doesn't matter. They stayed, regardless of what prompted that decision, or what the outcome of their own situation is. If they've made the choice to stay...rehashing and trying to figure out the why, or trying to hope that their situation devolves and crashes and they come running back to you....all is just fruitless, pointless behavior.

 

If he chose to stay...then honor that choice and move on.

 

Simple as that. Perhaps not easy...but simple.

[thefooloftheyear]

If your parents had cheated on each other instead of whatever else it was that broke them up, you would most likely have ended up with a broken home anyway. Or in a home filled with tension, mistrust, and misery. Very small children may not be able to comprehend what infidelity means, but they can sure as hell comprehend the results of it, whether the parents stay together or not.

 

 

I dont know...

 

From what i've read here, MM/MW reconcile all the time, engage in hysterical bonding, whatever.....

 

Don't misread my post..I am not saying that Infidelity isn't a bad thing..Its horrible..

 

Divorce is tough as hell on kids..I can only attest to that..My parents could have had 10 affairs...If they chose to stay together anyway, it likely would have been less damaging than the alternative, especially if they made a concerted effort to reconcile...Infidelity is mostly their deal...

 

TFY

[Moanin]

Staying in an unhealthy marriage is very different than staying in an unhappy one.

 

People are giving examples of both. Divorce is more socially acceptable and people are more sympathetic when a marriage ends due to abuse and addiction (unhealthy reasons).

 

On the other hand, very few people are sympathetic and understanding towards the person who ends a marriage JUST because they are unhappy. Because happiness is so subjective, there is criticism and blame and it's usually chalked up to a mid-life crisis.

[ComingInHot]

Loredo wrote, "there are MM out there that are NOT lying about their home life. That most marriages do stink. Maybe they are liars by default because that's the nature of an A. But I like to think not all of them were lying."

 

Heya Loredo*

One of my Biggest issues was the FACT that my H didn't Just lie. He would "blow up" a story or normal everyday "couples" issue that we would have and twist into this Monumental Ginormous Horrible thing that made it appear to exOW that he was Miserable in our M. I mean the "issue" could be as trivial as did someone bring in the mail today but he would explain to exOW that I NEVER "do" Anything and he was expecting something REALLY important to come in the mail and I didn't have the decency, because I was SOOoooo lazy to bring in the mail when I got home from work (even though he had been home for hours before me playing a video game).

 

-I gained 15 lbs. This is true. = H told exOW I was Obese & let myself go... This would be false.

-I have a glass of red wine sometimes. This is true. = H told exOW I was a raging Alcoholic. This would be false.

-I don't take care of the home like a "real" stay at home Wife should. This is true. - H told exOW I am lazy and do Nothing Ever to take care of the home. This would be false AND stupid...

 

So, and this is from my experience and knowledge of my H's A, he did NOT have a "horrid" M or home and I am Not a mean awful ogre (well not often*).

My point is, maybe the M is Bad, Maybe it's GREAT, maybe it is like a-lot of M's where there are things that come up that couples have to deal with where the compromise is sometimes one-sided for good OR bad reasons.

I believe that the state of the M that the WS gives to AP MAY have some truth but is wrapped up with a whole lot of Lies to make it appear Horrible to the OW when in fact, it isn't.

 

Wouldn't anyone just leave if their M were that bad?

[thefooloftheyear]

My daughter was daddy's girl, just like I was. She seem us a unit. Him cheating on me was internalized as being cheated on too. As part of me, she felt a slight to her being wanted by the man whose most sacred promise was to care for her. All the nights He stayed away from her to be with another woman. All the resources he blew on gifts for her that should have been for our daughter. The pain he caused her mother. The fact that he showed even your own father/spouse will lie to you, steal from you, betray you, even when you did nothing to deserve it. How can that NOT effective the esteem and trust of a child?!?!

 

My daughter STILL doesn't trust guys. As she says: "mom, if someone can't trust their husband or dad, why should just a mere boyfriend be trusted?"

 

The affair scarred my daughter, permanently. I seriously don't get how people can think pissing on their family can't screw them up!

 

Did you tell her all of this, or did your daughter hire a PI to ferret this all out?

 

And you are actually going to tell me with a straight face that a little girl has the capability to process all of this?? To figure this all out?? No way...Sorry.. I can't buy that...Kids dont understand any of it..As they become young adults, yes, then perhaps they might harbor some resentment..And maybe the WS will also explain to the child, who is now an adult, that he/she made a big mistake in judgement and that it wasnt right, but there is no reason to believe you cant have a true and honest relationship..heck, she can fall in love with a boy at seventeen and get her heart crushed just the same....Its not Fantasy Island out there...What will you say to her then??

 

I saw my Dad break chairs throwing them at my mother when I was 3 years old, but never really saw us not as a "family unit" until much later in life...Kids dont understand it..

 

TFY

Edited May 23, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[lilmisscantbewrong]

And I can attest to this as well. My mother went a little bonkers when I was a teenager and that was the beginning (that I knew of) of the decline of my parent's marriage. She was out working and all hours of the night running around. During that time my dad tried to hold it together, getting up making breakfast, etc. I wanted out and I was the oldest and selfish and didn't care, so that in many ways is why I jumped into my husband's arms and family at such a young age - I saw them as stable (even though they had skeletons too).

 

I got out as quickly as I could and left my siblings in the dust. My dad used me as a sounding board because he didn't have friends to turn to I guess so he would always tell me of my mom's escapades, etc. He took one of my brothers out and my sister at one point to in the middle of the night to "follow" my mom because he suspected she was having an affair. I was pissed at my mom for years. And my mom was dealing with abuse issues that she had put away for years (no excuse - just reality).

 

Then, years later when my dad decided he had had enough and decided to file for divorce, my mom was ready to work on things! She couldn't understand why after 10 years he refused to do so. So, then she would talk my ear off and I got mad at my dad. When my sister found out they were divorcing (she was the youngest) she said "it's about time". She was the one that took the brunt of their dysfunctional relationship. My mom drug her feet on the divorce and wouldn't sign papers for like close 18 months (the longest you could do so in our state) and then it was final.

 

My dad finally remarried and has been remarried to a lovely woman for 15 years. My mom still will not be in a room with him and won't speak with him - they've been divorced 20 years almost - my parents were married like 32 when they divorced.

 

All of this to say, I should NEVER had been privy to any of the stuff they were going through personally. It pitted me against my dad at times and also against my mom . I finally got to the point several years ago that I had had it - and I told them both "I love you both and you are both welcome in my house and you will just have to decide to act like adults because my children deserve to have both their grandparents at their activities."

 

My husband tried to do the same early on to my kids - use them as sounding boards and tell them things about me, threaten suicide, etc - and it only upset them. Finally it took our counselor to tell him he had to stop it - he was upsetting them. I tried so hard not to tell the kids anything about what was so personal between the two of us and when I had to talk about it I was careful about how I worded things and tried to do it in love, but maybe that was because I was the first to have the affair and when my husband had his I was able to handle it differently? I don't know.

 

Anyway, I know that's long - but having experienced it as a kid, it just wasn't fair for me (or any of my siblings) to shoulder either one of our parents problems as none of us were equipped to handle it.

[thefooloftheyear]

And I can attest to this as well. My mother went a little bonkers when I was a teenager and that was the beginning (that I knew of) of the decline of my parent's marriage. She was out working and all hours of the night running around. During that time my dad tried to hold it together, getting up making breakfast, etc. I wanted out and I was the oldest and selfish and didn't care, so that in many ways is why I jumped into my husband's arms and family at such a young age - I saw them as stable (even though they had skeletons too).

 

I got out as quickly as I could and left my siblings in the dust. My dad used me as a sounding board because he didn't have friends to turn to I guess so he would always tell me of my mom's escapades, etc. He took one of my brothers out and my sister at one point to in the middle of the night to "follow" my mom because he suspected she was having an affair. I was pissed at my mom for years. And my mom was dealing with abuse issues that she had put away for years (no excuse - just reality).

 

Then, years later when my dad decided he had had enough and decided to file for divorce, my mom was ready to work on things! She couldn't understand why after 10 years he refused to do so. So, then she would talk my ear off and I got mad at my dad. When my sister found out they were divorcing (she was the youngest) she said "it's about time". She was the one that took the brunt of their dysfunctional relationship. My mom drug her feet on the divorce and wouldn't sign papers for like close 18 months (the longest you could do so in our state) and then it was final.

 

My dad finally remarried and has been remarried to a lovely woman for 15 years. My mom still will not be in a room with him and won't speak with him - they've been divorced 20 years almost - my parents were married like 32 when they divorced.

 

All of this to say, I should NEVER had been privy to any of the stuff they were going through personally. It pitted me against my dad at times and also against my mom . I finally got to the point several years ago that I had had it - and I told them both "I love you both and you are both welcome in my house and you will just have to decide to act like adults because my children deserve to have both their grandparents at their activities."

 

My husband tried to do the same early on to my kids - use them as sounding boards and tell them things about me, threaten suicide, etc - and it only upset them. Finally it took our counselor to tell him he had to stop it - he was upsetting them. I tried so hard not to tell the kids anything about what was so personal between the two of us and when I had to talk about it I was careful about how I worded things and tried to do it in love, but maybe that was because I was the first to have the affair and when my husband had his I was able to handle it differently? I don't know.

 

Anyway, I know that's long - but having experienced it as a kid, it just wasn't fair for me (or any of my siblings) to shoulder either one of our parents problems as none of us were equipped to handle it.

 

Great post....

 

 

TFY

[Praying4Peace]

Its not a guaranteed "way out"....You can divorce and blow the whole thing up, just to have the AP leave you holdiong the bag..How is that for a "way out"???

 

A "better one"? Lets face it, when the honeymoon period is over and yoiu arent banging them 20 times a week and sending them flowers every other day, reality settles in and maybe you wind up with the "same old same old" except now you only get to see your beloved children only every other weekend and you are living in a box above the local bakery. Yep, its better alright...

 

Just so y'all know...I was/am leaving my marriage and had planned to start a life with the AP...I knew it was going to be tough and take a lot of patience and understanding. She ended it because I didnt move fast enough for her and she never beleived it would ever happen. ....Its fine..My M should have ended long ago..But so much for the promise of a "way out" and a "better one"... Ill notify her promptly when the D is final, just so she knew I meant what I said....I hope she is content with her decision, because I wont go back now..

 

TFY

 

TFY

 

How long has it been since you've spoken or communicated with her? You never even told her you were commencing D proceedings? Did it end badly with you two....?

[thefooloftheyear]

How long has it been since you've spoken or communicated with her? You never even told her you were commencing D proceedings? Did it end badly with you two....?

 

 

P4P

 

Ill PM you and give you the scoop so I dont derail the thred..Ive been mesning to msg you anyway....

 

TFY

[georgia girl]

My perspective (as just a wife, now a BW):

 

There are times my relationship is great. The sex is amazing (hubby would kill me for posting this!). We laugh and it's just like the time when we were dating. I can't imagine that there is another person on this earth who gets me so well and with whom I get to share my life.

 

And there are some times when I would still call our relationship good, but we're just grinding it out. We both have tough jobs that can be overwhelming at times, family demands, household demands etc. We start to drift apart. At those times, I definitely still love him to death but I'm tired. A little escapism sounds really, really good. I think that's natural.

 

And that's why I say marriage is hard. Because it's at that point that you pull yourself up, step outside of yourself and start focusing on each other again. Then, it becomes the great relationship again. But, it takes work, commitment, an intrinsic sense of fairness but a willingness to give more than 50%.

 

I could see that in those waning periods, espescially if they last too long, where someone could genuinely see their pretty amazing marriage as not-so-good anymore. And if someone got lonely and a potential new partner came along and that connection was there? It would be all too easy for a partner to slide slowly down the path to a new relationship. It promises all of the fun, intensity and strong emotion of falling in love without the work of a marriage and history behind it.

 

So, could a MM then mischaracterize his spouse? Certainly. They don't feel positive towards their spouse at that time. Modest flaws become large flaws. Mundane activities like shuffling kids around and mowing the grass get magnified as even worse. And the snowball starts.

 

In the same way, I can see how a DDay would force a married spouse to take stock of what they had been unknowingly gambling. That spouse who had "let herself go," or become demanding and unreasonable now reminds him of the woman he fell in love with, delivered his babies, etc.

 

And then, the woman with whom he had had an amazing connection with and he had pursued with everything he had in him for the past several months or even years, pales. She's suddenly amoral, aggressive, the wrong woman for him.

 

And that rejection, posted here very often, is gut-wrenching awful. Because it appears to tear at everything someone thought of themselves. And why wouldn't it? The person you're most closest to and the one person who convinced you that they would choose you suddenly didn't. And even worse, they are now characterizing their time with you much as they did their time with their spouse not so long ago.

 

I think that's the rub. The reason why so many woman are on these boards - both BW and OW - looking for answers. The one person closest to you took all of those things you really didn't like much about yourself and magnified them and used them against you. And so, it leaves everyone wondering what they can believe anymore.

 

The truth is always somewhere in-between. It's never the all-white bad marriage or all-black bad relationship. It's in-between. She didn't let herself go. She's not amoral. We're all just people desperately trying to make committed relationships work when the one common person in those relationships has made bad choices that now affect everyone.

 

I think I lost my point. But it was: no, I don't think you can believe everything a married man tells you as an other woman. And no, I don't think you can believe everything a spouse tells you as a betrayed spouse. I don't think it's really possible for the person in that situation to tell the whole truth and nothing but. But the betrayal that is associated with that person's dishonesty is so harmful and it does break my heart.

 

As a wife, you may wonder why I bother to post here, so I will finally really share. My dad cheated. He had an affair with his secretary. It went on for eight years with a few DDays. I was 13 for DDay #1. All I saw was the good parts - the so-called hysterical bonding. All of a sudden we were doing things as a family; my parents were affectionate again; life was really good. At 15, I went with my mom when she took my dad's company car to the mall. I thought it was to go shopping. She was looking for evidence. When I caught her, she lied but I knew something was wrong. A few months later, when I was selected for the Homecoming Court and the night of the dance, I overheard my parents arguing about his OW. I knew and I was devestated. I confronted my Dad, skipped the dance and asked him to leave.

 

He came back a few days later - he had stayed at our family's camp. Begged my whole family for another chance. A week later, my dad's other woman called our house and called my mom a gold digger for holding on to him and me an fu----- sl--. My dad promised us we would never, ever have to deal with her again. That was five years into the affair at that point.

 

The day my sister got married three years later, my dad's other woman showed up at the church. My dad and uncle got her to leave before my sister ever saw her or knew she was there. That day, it finally ended. My mom kicked my dad out. He stayed gone for six months but they went to counselling. He changed jobs (they worked together), we sold our house, changed our phone number and moved on with our lives.

 

I can't say how I know that my dad hasn't seen her since that day, but I do know. In the depths of my soul, I know every part of my childhood and early adult life when she was in our lives and when she wasn't because my dad was a different person. He not only withdrew from my mom, but he withdrew from us and he hated himself.

 

Two years ago, I got the wedding my sister never had. It took me an extra 20 years to finally feel okay about getting married. Please do not post that living in a household as a child that infidelity doesn't impact the kids. It devastates them. I spent years hating my father and years getting to know him again and loving him and learning to understand my parents' relationship in a way that kids should never know.

 

Sorry... I lost my point again.