My hubby and friend... happy medium possible ever?

[kowalchicky]

As I was instructed, I am putting this in a more descriptive area. I simply cut and paste due to me being lazy at 11 at night

 

 

Well all, I am new to these forums. I stumbled across them after a recent 'discussion' with my husband. I have been married for going on 3 years and I am deeply in love with my husband and I love my children equally as such. I have had a friend since 1999 that is a guy who we have a lot more in common together. IE.. I am into Sprint Car racing and so is my friend as we were both brought up in a racing atmosphere. My husband is more or less a homebody and we do not get a lot of opportunities to do stuff together and my friend is the only one whom I have any real 'fun' with and can talk to about anything and not be afraid of being judged. He was friends with my dad first and one day i said to dad "if you tell Steven to call me, i would be very much happy" SO he did and we dated for like 3-4 weeks <no enough to count> I had just gotten out of the relationship from hell and could not and did not foresee me developing any feelings other than, "This is my racing and grab a beer or 2 and vent about everyday issues buddy" We have done this for a long time. My hubby now mentions after 3 years "I am not comfortable with you and Steve hanging out" I asked, "Why?" He said to me "He is another guy and I am jealous of it" I said "Why, cuz we do not get to go out very often without the kids being it is hard to find a sitter?" He said, "Maybe, I dunno" I have emailed my friend of 5 years and told him we could not hang out anymore, and I cried the whole time in doing such. I was supposed to make a road trip this weekend, see a sprint race and head home" No big deal, at least to me and my friend, we had done this trip many many times. Now the only diff. is that I am married. Maybe if dad still lived in this state, and dad went with us as a chaperone, it may be easier to swallow? Shrug?? Anyone who has or been in a similar situation please reply or if not, please tell me what to do. I miss my friend and I love my husband and I want to find some balance to not lose either of them. My friend kept me from suicide a long time ago and now I have to write the person who saved my life off?? This sucks.

 

 

Robin

[Mary3]

You have to decide : Which is more important ? Your husband , family and children .

 

Or your Racing Buddy. ?

 

In all fairness you are doing no harm seeing this man or SO IT SEEMS : Meaning : It bothers your HUSBAND now and unless you can find a reason to ditch your marraige you need to put your Husbands needs before your OWN and your friend.

 

Some would disagree and say your husband should ignore this whole thing but lets change places. : How about if your husband and his ex gf go out of town together on trips to see Glaciers in some town ?

Try to put yourself in your husbands shoes. If you love him you will stop this. You may rationalize that you are doing nothing wrong but you are doing something WRONG, you are hurting your marraige BECAUSE it bothers your husband and you are doing nothing about it.

 

You may resent him in the end after * afterall * and leave him. Thats probrobly whats going to happen ....How do I know...It happened to me

 

I sense your marraige is in BIG TROUBLE already..

 

How do I know ? It happened to me and I lost because someone like you chose the friend over the spouse/gf....

[Haunani]

that's a tough one as to me as I (being a gal) don't *see* any problem with having friends of the opposite sex, I wish all guys would feel comfortable enough to allow his wife to go galavanting with their guy friend, but unfortunately although I think it's okay to have male friends, I cannot see my husband going galavanting with his girl - friend, innocent or not. I know it's all *innocent* , but standing in your husbands shoes, I'd have to agree. Although *innocent* and you consider him only a *buddy*, still the possibilities are there for going *astray* - He's your hangout dude, you have things in common, he's fun to be around in a kind of *brotherly love*, but yet, you did date this fellow.......so, yes, I'd agree with Mary too, if you put yourself in your husbands shoes, and the events were turned, I think I'd be a tad jealous too if my husbands *friend* was this gal who my husband shared his daily gossips and basically shared what he should be sharing with his wife, and eventually he will find you two have nothing in common anymore..........Explain as gently as you can to your *friend*, if he truly is your friend as you say, he will back off and understand.

 

Your husband's feelings should come in tact first, as hard as this may be...........is there a way to compromise? If he's allowed to go with you guys maybe he won't feel so left out and a 3rd wheel., maybe he feels like he's competing with him, you know, the *past thing*, you guys share something he doesn't, those inside jokes that keep you rolling, and the comfortable comeraderie, being that this friend is from the past, you made a committment to your husband, and your friend should understand that. If you feel you need to make a decision - your husband or your friend and you are having a difficult time with that, you need to re-analyze your marriage.

 

Good Luck

[kowalchicky]

The thing is my hubby has NO interest at all in racing. He went one time and he was bored and said "I just do not get it, as to why you want to watch these things go around in circles and get sick by breathing in the alcohol fumes <Sprints use ethyl alcohol for fuel>. I told him it was all 'part of it'.

 

I honestly could care less about him hanging out with some chick. Though I have my own insecurities I would NEVER ask him to give up a friend. We all need friends to talk to, I mean say one and their spouse have an argument or whatever who better to go to and get a 'better understanding' about things. Say my hubby and I get into an argument about anything and I am not understanding of it being a 'guy thing' I can turn to my male friend and get a male-poin-of view and maybe see where I may/may not be wrong in something. My friend and I have always been brutally honest with one another, he has said some things that hurt when it came to me 'talking to him about something wth my hubby and I. But, I thought about it and I realized that I have said some stuff to him that hurt. We do not believe in candy-coating anything. If, I have an outfit on that may look bad on me. He has told me, "You are not going out with me looking like that" Partially joking because he honestly could care less but I am very needy in 'trying to look my best', and he knows that, so I change. Plus, say for some reason my hubby and I do not work out, would I still have a friend to talk to?

 

He had a girlfriend where he left me high and dry and was miserable the whole time they were together and wept to have his best friend back at times. When they broke up, it was because she refused to help in anything and all with her 3 kids he was taking on. He was playing Tony Danza from Who's the Boss 9 times out of 10. HE quickly came to me, in hopes I would forgive him. I did obviously, though I give him #$!@ about it at times... he checks out a girl and I am like ' is she my new competition'? He is bothered when I say that stuff but he understnads it. Funny thing is I have a 'guy mentality' I have always beleived in the 'bros before hos' idea' and the only reason I have chosen to even think of giving up the friendship is due to the kids. My philosophy has always been, 'if you make me choose between you or another, you will lose because it was unfair to make me lose something that I hold dear to me.

 

It is not my fault that his best friend is 3.5 hr away, and that she is ugly and I do not feel intimidated by her. My husband has always been able to say whether or not he thought a guy was attractive or not. HE does not beleive my friend is any way, shape or form atractive, so what is the big deal? My hubby is very cocky to the point he jokes all the time but he does believe it at times in saying "you married me for looks and earning potential" my friend is not GOds gift to women, but what guy is? Or girl for that matter being God's gift to men, and he lives at home with his mom, so that discredits his idea I would cheat on him, If you're gonna cheat, go a step forward and not backwards. I do not and have never believed in 'getting back together' you obviously broke up for a reason, there is a very definite possibility it would happen again. I was in a relationship t one point where I tried the 'getting back together thing and sure enough, it went to $#@% again.

 

My hubby knows my 'guy mentality and philosophies, so I am so confused' He went out last night and my friend said something to him as he was at the same bar playing pool at the table next to my hubby's I have not heard how that went down as my hubby was passed out on the couce aat 130 and I tried for 1 hour to get him up to get to bed, as I had been there for 1.5 hr. at the time. I guess that may be why I quit drinking heavily. I can do 1 or 2... but he has to do like 10 plus shots... very college boy-like. I will update on that later...

 

 

 

Robin

[Haunani]

Originally posted by kowalchicky

I have been married for going on 3 years and I am deeply in love with my husband and I love my children equally as such.

 

Please re-read this statement - then in the next breath you state;

 

Originally posted by kowalchicky

Plus, say for some reason my hubby and I do not work out, would I still have a friend to talk to?

 

My philosophy has always been, 'if you make me choose between you or another, you will lose because it was unfair to make me lose something that I hold dear to me.

 

It is not my fault that his best friend is 3.5 hr away, and that she is ugly and I do not feel intimidated by her.

 

So are you saying that your husband has a best friend too, and it's of the opposite sex? And she's also an ex-girlfriend. I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound as if I'm attacking you, but I don't think the issue here is whether or not you should/could remain friends with your male friend from before hubby came into your life, but whether or not your husband will lose if he makes you feel/forces you to *choose* between the two of them.

 

I'm not sure what you're asking then. In one side you truly love your husband and your children - no doubt. But if you know that this relationship you have with this male that has been your friend before time and he makes you SO happy - in a kinda male bonding, and you're husband is adamant about not wanting to go, couldn't you still come up with other solutions if it's that he's not jealous of this man, like movies or bbq's where all of you guys have fun together. It sounds to me as if you're putting more emphasis on the relationship you have with your male friend and somehow your husband can either accept it or not, and if he doesn't - Oh well, that's his problem.

 

Are you in this marriage with both feet or one? It doesn't matter if you don't mind he has a *chick* on the side as his best friend, he obviously minds that YOU do. Sounds like there are more issues with this marriage than just this.....I may be wrong, but it's just what I'm *reading* into. Has this topic of conversation been a sore spot since your marriage? Does your husband join you guys in any other events besides the obvious sporting he hates? Do you and your husband and/or family or just do anything together without your friend?

 

I know your thinking that you and your friend have been buddies from before you met your SO, and that he should just learn to accept it. Did it bother him before? If he didn't mind before, was there a significant reason as to why he started not liking it after all.......there has to be something more. If he accepted this before, why is he fighting it now. Maybe he didn't accept it before and just went along with it because he loved you and hoped in time, you'd trade your buddy for him eventually. Do you only hang out with this guy or do you go out and have girls night too? Or is this guy your only friend.

 

Sure it's good to get another guys *perspective* on subjects, but men have a tendancy not to want to air their laundry, especially to another guy. I'm sorry, if it were that all of you were kosher with this relationship and he came over as a *family friend* to do things together with all of you or if your husband was totally okay with you having an opposite sex friend - I mean totally and honestly doesn't mind, and now he does. Somethings not right. That's just my opinion.

[Mary3]

With you being so defensive about this : YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE YOUR DECISION !

 

YOU are going to LOSE your marraige ..........

 

Was it worth it ?

 

Some people really have f***ed up priorities...

 

Oh well like you said your buddy will be there for you....

 

 

This is too sad ...