My Husband's Binge Drinking is Ruining Our Marriage

[Angela2121]

My husband had a hard childhood. He did not have the appropriate role models to show him how to live a successful life. His brothers and sisters grew up thinking that just getting by was good enough. When I met him, we were both in a transitional period in our lives. We had fun together, but it was apparent from the beginning that he had an issue with alcohol.

 

I was in denial from the beginning because my husband doesn’t drink every day. He doesn’t even drink every week. But when he does choose to drink, it was normal for him to just not come home at all. Fortunately these issues got better and we ended up getting married and having two kids. Now, four years later, we still have these same problems. What a surprise right. I know that it was dumb on my part to get involved with somebody that showed me who they really were prior to getting married, but I was always hopeful for change.

 

I have had to guide him through the steps of becoming a productive member of society. He has become a wonderful father and a good husband, with the exception of drinking. Unfortunately, the binge drinking has not stopped. He has consistently missed work for our business that we own together, and I have had to make the phone calls to our clients telling them whatever excuse I could figure out to say as to why he would not be showing up. I have constantly bailed him out and given him second chances.

 

This time, I really thought he was getting it together. He landed a fulltime good paying position that he has been extremely excited about. He just started. And once again, I’m sitting at home with my two children wondering where my husband is and if he will even show up to work tomorrow. I know this sounds crazy to whoever is reading this, but I am loyal and I believe that people can change. More than anything, because generally I keep this a secret from my family and friends, I just need a little bit of support. I know this is not healthy behavior and I know the chances of a change are close to none without him seeking help for himself. My husband’s binge drinking is not only ruining his life but mine as well. I don’t even know where to go from here.

 

If anybody has gone through this situation, please let me know how you handled it. We have children together in a marriage that I believed in. It is easy for someone to say just end it, but I’m struggling to do so.

Edited May 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dietryn37]

Sounds like u havr been threw a lot . If u love him stay .If u are at the end of your rope u have let him go befour u let go .

[TaraMaiden]

As far as I am given to understand, from someone who is a mentor in AA (and obviously refers to himself as an alcoholic, even after 7 dry years) is that there is a difference between an alcoholic, and a dependent.

 

An Alcoholic will drink, first thing in the morning.

They handle and hold their drink so well, most people would never know. The only people who can spot an alcoholic like that - are other alcoholics...

 

When they buy alcohol from their 'regular place', they avoid eye contact with the check-out person, and will often also buy chewing gum and deodorant.

They're masks for the smell....

 

I serve a couple of alcoholics at my shop...

 

An Alcohol dependent can go for long periods of time, without touching a drop.

But when they do, and when they start, they don't stop until they fall over, senseless.

 

The first thing YOU need to do - is to contact AA.

 

They provide a massive support system for those who have to live with people addicted to alcohol, in either 'bracket'.

 

The second thing you must do - and they will tell you precisely the same - is to understand that you can do nothing for him.

 

And doing what you have done to date, merely actually enables his behaviour, because while you are there covering for him, making excuses and backing him up - there is absolutely no reason on earth why he should change.

 

One of the first things the AA encourages - and expects those attending meetings - to do, is to Admit - to others, and to themselves - that they have a problem.

And trhis problem is their responsibility.

 

Leaning on the past, or seeking excuses, justifications, reasons or anything, for what is going on today, is merely a crutch and a cop-out.

 

I know many people who had dysfunctional, severe, even violent childhoods, but who are not continuing the dysfunction now, in their own lives.

 

Your husband clearly needs help.

But he has to see he needs help, has to want it, and has to get it himself.

 

You need to worry about you, and your children.

Clearly, what is happening now, isn't working.

 

Contact the AA, for your own sanity. They will help you.

 

But tragically - you cannot do the same for him.

[knitwit]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in similar shoes, and I remember how horrible and painful it was for me. Hugs to you.

 

Addiction f@cking s#cks. I hope that he isn't too far gone, but disappearing and missing work are two signals that usually indicate he is pretty far into it. Most people who haven't gone into addiction would stop at the first instances of losing time/disappearing and having work problems due to alcohol/drugs.

 

My strongest recommendation is for you to get to an Alanon meeting- they are the "AA" for family/loved ones of alcoholics. Kids/little ones are welcome. If you google you'll likely find some forums for friends/loved ones online as well. If you contact AA, they will absolutely be able to help you find an Alanon meeting (sometimes they even happen at the same time but in different rooms, so that spouses/family members can drive together.)

 

Alanon will help you learn about addiction and will offer you support, from people who are also in your shoes.

 

Alanon is about learning how to handle a relationship and your life with the addict, so they are not going to tell you to run (which is what most people will tell you once they know of your story.) They will support you in your decisions, but will also give you reality checks so that you are as aware and knowledgeable as possible.

 

You'll learn the 3 C's- you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. There is a 4th- you can, however, Contribute to the drinking. In fact, most of the ways we would normally care for someone = enabling/contributing when it comes to addiction. The best thing, the most caring thing, you can do for him is to stop your contribution. It is incredibly counter-intuitive and very hard. That is why support is so necessary.

 

Most importantly, Alanon will help you develop and maintain strong boundaries, so that his actions do not ruin your life, or your kids' lives.

 

I am really big on it because Naranon was a life-saver for me. It took me a while to find my "home" group, but once I did, my life improved markedly.

[Quiet Storm]

I agree. Go to Al Anon. They will teach how to deal, whether you decide to stay or go.

 

He is not feeling the consequences of his actions because you are the buffer. He doesn't have to face angry clients. He doesn't have to explain to his boss. He doesn't have to be accountable to his kids.

 

My mother did the same thing. She would cover for my dad. Then she would be yelling and mad at him. And from a child's perspective, she looked like the mean one. She was being mean & yelling at Daddy.

 

Looking back, I see what she was dealing with. She didn't know what to do, or how to react. So she tried to keep things as normal as possible. You are in your own sort of denial. And your kids will be affected by it, no matter how much you buffer them.

 

He needs to FEEL how much of a problem this is, in order for him to realize that he has a problem and needs help. Right now, he has someone that protects and covers for him. It's not a problem. He can drink, pass out, be late, ignore his family and obligations, skip work....and all is OK when he's done his little binge. He won't be prompted to change until he feels consequences.

[Balzac]

He has consistently missed work for our business that we own together, and I have had to make the phone calls to our clients telling them whatever excuse I could figure out to say as to why he would not be showing up. I have constantly bailed him out and given him second chances.

 

Look up codependent. ALANON will help you to recognize your

role/actions in the relationship with alcoholism.

[Balzac]

Al-Anon Sixty Years of Hope

 

You need to take the first step for yourself. Stop worrying about him. He has to heal himself.