It's been 2 weeks, when does it start getting easier ?

[littlelaxer]

Dear iceisles and anyone else who is goin throug the same thing....

p.s.- if this is posted twice im sorry i didnt think it worked the first time, so just bare with me!!

 

Thank you so much for responding, i was begining to feel very alone with this!! I think the best possible thing is to find someone or many people who can help you along with this terrible journey through a break up. Most importantly we have to make sure we dont cave in and beg those who have broken our hearts.

 

i htink u did good in ending the whole sending flowers because u sound like a great person but she doesnt know how to appreciate it yet. And i think with u stoppin ur sweetness she will being to wonder like you said something along the line of what the heck happend.

 

today my ex called me and i didnt answer. I was on the other line and it does that beep thing to the person callin when you are on the phone, so of course i wonder if he noticed that. also a couple hours later he texted me as said "i tried callin you earlier" i didnt text him back. Yea i wanted to but i said no!

 

like i said i have to show him that i dont need to answer ever time he calls and i dont need to respond to every text because he is the one who let ME go. oh man it is so hard, but i figure this is the only way..............either he will miss me and beg ( i say beg becuase thats just one of the things it will take for me to take him back ) or i will eventually get over him. In the long run i guess it is a win win situation.

 

so let me know how things are with u A.S.A.P.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by littlelaxer

Dear iceisles and anyone else who is goin throug the same thing....

p.s.- if this is posted twice im sorry i didnt think it worked the first time, so just bare with me!!

 

Thank you so much for responding, i was begining to feel very alone with this!! I think the best possible thing is to find someone or many people who can help you along with this terrible journey through a break up. Most importantly we have to make sure we dont cave in and beg those who have broken our hearts.

 

i htink u did good in ending the whole sending flowers because u sound like a great person but she doesnt know how to appreciate it yet. And i think with u stoppin ur sweetness she will being to wonder like you said something along the line of what the heck happend.

 

today my ex called me and i didnt answer. I was on the other line and it does that beep thing to the person callin when you are on the phone, so of course i wonder if he noticed that. also a couple hours later he texted me as said "i tried callin you earlier" i didnt text him back. Yea i wanted to but i said no!

 

like i said i have to show him that i dont need to answer ever time he calls and i dont need to respond to every text because he is the one who let ME go. oh man it is so hard, but i figure this is the only way..............either he will miss me and beg ( i say beg becuase thats just one of the things it will take for me to take him back ) or i will eventually get over him. In the long run i guess it is a win win situation.

 

so let me know how things are with u A.S.A.P.

 

I will write you a longer update when I'm at work in a few hours, but basically I'm holding firm with my strategy. I know she is thinking about me and has to be wondering what's going on. I used to write her a long e-mail and/or call every day, and now I am doing neither. I've only been at this a couple of days, and I expect it will take a week or more before the full effect hits her. She will probably e-mail me today or tomorrow, but I won't respond until mid-week. I am essentiallty making myself less available as a way to say, "I am doing ok without you." I really miss her, but I have felt much better since starting NC (or limited contact, in my case). It's one of these situations where saying nothing can speak volumes. I'll post again in a few hours with more details, and I hope that you and I can keep in touch with our very similar predicaments.

[iceisles]

littlelaxer, here is the detailed update I promised. With my ex, there was never any doubt how much I cared about her, and this only intensified in the days following our breakup. Actually, I started what is known as "pursuit" (from the Lost Guide To No Contact, V3) several days before she broke up with me in anticipation of her "needing space." Every day, I sent two or three special items to show that I wasn't indifferent to being dumped and that I was willing to work on whatever areas of our relationship were lacking. These included flowers, cards, love songs, poems, and even a 4-minute video slide-show set to our song. To put it simply, I went all out to ensure that that she wouldn't be able to doubt my true feelings for her.

 

Nearly a week passed, and I received nothing more than an unemphatic recognition of these gestures. There was no sincere thank you or show of appreciation until several days after she broke it off, at which time she did e-mail me to say that she really appreciated everything and to thank me for everything so far - whatever "so far" means is open to interpretation. After 5 or 6 days of basically no reaction, I was glad to see that my efforts were indeed appreciated, and this is when I put the brakes on the "pursuit" phase. She knew how I feel, and now it was time for me to take several steps back and give her the requested time to think.

 

Ever since our breakup, she has continued to call and/or e-mail me about every other day. Following the guidance on these boards, I have stopped talking about wanting to be back together or the fact that I miss her. This makes me appear needy and is often considered a repellent to women. Instead, I have remained strong, maintaining a positive tone of voice on the phone and in my e-mails, and only talking about light issues - such as Halloween, work, and TV shows. This has worked well, except that she quickly fell into a comfort zone assuming that we could be good friends.

 

Enter NC. As she continues to call and/or e-mail, I will still reply with the same brief, impersonal conversation - only now about 48 hours after she initiates the contact. I am screening my calls because I don't want her thinking that I am sitting by the phone waiting for her to call. I don't want her back, but a viable friendship is hers to save at this point. If she wishes to have that, the next substantive discussion we have will need to involve unresolved issues of the recent past. She wants space, and now I am giving her boatloads of it. Once she works out whatever she needs to work out, I will be ready to seriously talk. Until that time, I am sending the message that I am moving on with my life.

 

Am I confident this will work? Pretty much. While were dating, she always knew how much I cared about her - even if she claimed that our level of affection wasn't that great at times. I ALWAYS told her how much I loved her and that I wanted to be part of her life. I broke down and cried on several occasions when we had disagreements because I couldn't stand the idea of upsetting her. Honestly, I probably came off as being emotionally weak in many areas, and perhaps that was something she never liked about me.

 

However, this only emphasizes the impact NC will have. She expects me to plead for her. She expects the long e-mails asking for a second chance. She also expects that I will call her at least once a day wanting to hear her voice. I am not doing any of these. I have receded into the shadows, and if it's not making her think yet, I'm 99% sure it will within a week's time. To go from full-throttle to barely idling in a few days time is a pretty obvious shift.

 

She always knew that she was the only one for me. It's going to come as quite as surprise that I have drastically scaled back contact with her. I know she has a heavy conscience that is unfortunately exacerbated by bouts of depression, so there is no doubt in my mind that the truth will come out one day. Until then, I am going to continue to distance myself from her and move on with my life.

 

I must say that I feel really good about this process, and haven't had any desire to initiate contact since talking to many of the folks on here and reading threads both past and present. I know I was good to her, and she will either realize that and want to reconcile or continue to live with the guilt of cheating on me and lying about it. Either way, I'm not going to be drawn into the depths of her moral and emotional perils. I very much want to be here for her as a friend, but not without the understanding that we need to have a respectful discussion about our past before moving forward in this relationship. I am not looking to play mind games with her, just trying to send what I think is a very important message. Hopefully she'll start to hear it as she continues her long journey through "space."

 

How are things going with your situation? I'd love to hear more about it when you have time. Stay strong, and I promise we'll get through this. No one ever said love was easy, and I think we will learn a lot from this experience.

[littlelaxer]

I think what u are doing is a good idea. im just like you becuase he calls every couple of days and of course i would always answer. But im not anymore! the last i talked to him as the 6th and today is the 11th. So im sure he has to be wondering what im so busy doing or why im not responding to him, when i always used to.

 

 

something along the lines that you said, i think its gonna take more then a couple of me not talking to him for him to really realize what hes missing.

 

Also, i wanted to add a little story.....right after him and i broke up this new guy was tryin to come in the picture with me. I in no way wanted to date this guy but he was a nice guy and good to talk to. All of a sudden people thought i was talking to him, and actually i met the guy for lunch cause we were friends and there is nothing wrong with that, and my ex's friend was sitting right at the table next to us! Anyways my sisters bf is telling me to stay away from this guy cause he gets weird. so i am...............but my ex thinks his responsiblity to tell me this too. He told my sisters bf that he was gonna call me and tell me to stay away form him.

 

I kinda think he should mind his own business, because he let me go.........so he doesnt really have a say in who im talking to (even though im def. not talking to anyone).

 

Whats your input on that situation...........i kinda think he thinks like, he doesnt want me right now, he wants me to wait in the backround for when hes ready but during that time he doesnt want anyone else to have me either.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by littlelaxer

 

Whats your input on that situation...........i kinda think he thinks like, he doesnt want me right now, he wants me to wait in the backround for when hes ready but during that time he doesnt want anyone else to have me either.

 

He dumped you, so you're no under no obligation to appease him or keep him informed of your personal decisions. If you want to talk to this (or any other) guy, he'll just have to learn to live with it. As a dumpee, you are essentially released from any further responsibility to the dumper and should live your life the way you want to live it. I'm not hanging out with any girls right now, but I wouldn't be telling my ex even if I was. Like my ex, he probably wants to keep you in the background (to use your wording) until he figures out what he wants to do with his life. Nobody should be relegated to the role of a "safety net" or "fallback" person after being dumped, and you have the ability to make sure that doesn't happen. Just remember - he dumped you. The burden of any future relationship (friendship or otherwise) is placed directly on his shoulders.

 

As a side note, I've been looping Journey's "I'll Be Alright Without You" on my CD player and it really makes me feel better. Music, much like time, seems to heal quite well. Keep me updated on your situation and I'll do the same.

[guayaba]

My advice

 

Give her some time, I broke up with my BF for somehow the same reasons (personal growth) but during the time of our separation I came into realization that I loved him so much!

 

Time is the key!

[Urban Rubble01]

So guayaba, I have a few questions.

 

Basically I was just wondering the specifics of your situation. How long were you guys together ? How long apart ? How old were you guys ? Stuff like that. Did he call you in the time apart ? Did you guys see each other ? The reason I ask is because I'm trying to figure out what I should do and how I should act. She says she still wants to hang out, and so do I, but I've heard that may not be a good idea because if I don't see her she'll start to miss me, which is good. We've been talking on the phone once every week or two and we've planned to see each other every now and then (I was thinking about once a month). Anyway, anything you could tell me would be greatly appreciated. Thanks !

[littlelaxer]

I have the same questions!! i would appreciate it too if those were answered............as im sure many others would want to hear too!

[iceisles]

It's a great feeling to know we aren't going through this alone. Just knowing that I can find support from people on this site makes me feel a lot better.

[iceisles]

littlelaxer, I have a real strong feeling that my ex is using me with this whole "lets be friends" thing. I only hear from her when she needs something, and I'm not going to let her keep me around as a safety net. This is totally against my nature, but I will be ignoring her calls and e-mails for at least a week - possibly longer. She thinks I am weak and that she can string me along with ease, and that's not going to happen. I'm on to her game, and I'm tossing out all the cards and refusing to play anymore.

[littlelaxer]

iceisles,

 

i totally understand what you are saying..........its just like myself. There is no way i can do the friends thing, atleast now thats for sure.

 

I too am totally cutting off contact. You have to. Theres really nothing else you can do. Let me tell you it is super hard. Becuase there are times where i will be sitting around and think "oh ill just say hi" but i cant becuase then i will be back to where i started.

 

I havent heard anyhting today from him, im thinking he was waiting for me to respond all day, but i didnt. You have to do the same.

 

The only question i have is how long should i not answer for. Im thinking a week too. And when i decide to answer it will be short and sweet. I guess this is all we have left to do!!

[iceisles]

Originally posted by littlelaxer

iceisles,

 

i totally understand what you are saying..........its just like myself. There is no way i can do the friends thing, atleast now thats for sure.

 

I too am totally cutting off contact. You have to. Theres really nothing else you can do. Let me tell you it is super hard. Becuase there are times where i will be sitting around and think "oh ill just say hi" but i cant becuase then i will be back to where i started.

 

I havent heard anyhting today from him, im thinking he was waiting for me to respond all day, but i didnt. You have to do the same.

 

The only question i have is how long should i not answer for. Im thinking a week too. And when i decide to answer it will be short and sweet. I guess this is all we have left to do!!

 

A week is perfect. It will be hard for me because she is very sweet when she calls. I have to remember what her motives are, though, and the nearly unanimous opinion is that I'm just a fallback guy. I will respond to her contact about a week later, likely in the form of a very short e-mail. My ex will definitelty get mad that I am not around for her, but perhaps that's what she needs. They say on here that you can't consider being friends until all of your emotions are fully resolved, and I'm starting to see that. It's going to be tough, but I'm glad that we can support each other through this.

 

On a side note, I tried to PM you yesterday but it wouldn't work for some reason.

[iceisles]

Just an additional thougt I wanted to add. I plan to keep this up for several weeks, perhaps even a month. Once she gets rattled a few times (and trust me, she will become frustrated), I will respond with something like, "I've been really busy lately, but hope all is well with you. When you're ready to talk about the issues of our past, I should be able to make some time to discuss that. Just let me know when would be good for you." That will be like a neon sign that says, "Only talk to me about something important - if not, I'm moving forward without you." With my situation, I know a few have suggested not to reply whatsoever. However, my ex will get really steamed if I do that and I can avoid a potential tirade with a short, once-a-week reply to let her know I'm here but doing just fine without her. I'm not ruling out cutting off complete contact indefinitely, but I do have my doubts about it working to my advantage at this point.

[littlelaxer]

hey....so tomorrow will be a week since him and i have spoken, but he has tried to call me and text me those times. I dont know, i wonder all the time what hes thinking. Its alomst scary to think he might like not talking to me but i dont know we were together for a year i dont understand how he can just throw that all away.

 

so i keep on tryin to do the no contact. man i just want to text Hi but i cant! Hes in the air force and hes going home for about two weeks at the end of this week. I kind of have hopes that him being back home, talking with his sisters and mom, maybe they will knock some sense into him. Also being away from his buddies here, maybe he will do some thinking. I dont know! You have any ideas on it?

 

 

I dont know what u mean by PM. im dont know to much about this site. But let me know and maybe i can figure it out!!

[iceisles]

Originally posted by littlelaxer

hey....so tomorrow will be a week since him and i have spoken, but he has tried to call me and text me those times. I dont know, i wonder all the time what hes thinking. Its alomst scary to think he might like not talking to me but i dont know we were together for a year i dont understand how he can just throw that all away.

 

so i keep on tryin to do the no contact. man i just want to text Hi but i cant! Hes in the air force and hes going home for about two weeks at the end of this week. I kind of have hopes that him being back home, talking with his sisters and mom, maybe they will knock some sense into him. Also being away from his buddies here, maybe he will do some thinking. I dont know! You have any ideas on it?

 

 

I dont know what u mean by PM. im dont know to much about this site. But let me know and maybe i can

figure it out!!

 

Just stay strong with the NC. I know how much you want to say "hi", but limiting contact with him is really the best thing you can do right now. It's very possible that his mom and sisters will talk some sense into him, and his time away from you will only help sort out the issues in his life. I'm sure he misses talking to you, and he certainly won't forget about you. Unless he doesn't have a heart, this will only make him think about you more.

 

My ex will probably call before week's end again, but this time I'll be letting the machine pick up. What you have to remember is that you need to regain control of the situation, even if it means taking the other person out of their comfort zone.

 

BTW, a PM is a private message on here. I just wanted to see if you wanted to talk more on AIM or Yahoo Messenger about our situations.

[littlelaxer]

yea sure i wouldnt mind talkin on AIM. Just let me know how u would want to do that

 

 

Oh hey he just textd me and said "ok then" hmmmmm...........i guess he noticed i wasnt responding!

[iceisles]

Originally posted by littlelaxer

yea sure i wouldnt mind talkin on AIM. Just let me know how u would want to do that

 

 

Oh hey he just textd me and said "ok then" hmmmmm...........i guess he noticed i wasnt responding!

 

Mine gets nasty when I'm not here. She said "fine, whatever" on my machine last time I wasn't home. I wasn't good enough to talk with while we were dating, but now she can't get enough of me. Lol.

 

If you have AIM, just e-mail me at [email protected] and let me know what your SN is. Hope to talk soon.

[littlelaxer]

let me know if u got it cause i sent it to u

[Urban Rubble01]

Well, the thread got a bit de-railed, but that's no problem. Glad to see it's getting use.

 

So I hung out with her last night. It was so perfect that it scares me. I try to keep the mindset that it's most likely over to protect myself. But I have such a hard time believing that.

 

I live about an hour from her (she's going to the UW) so I drove up to see her. We had planned to go see a band that we both love. So I went up early and we hung out for a few hours before the show. Everything was good, suprisingly like normal. No awkwardness, we laughed like nothing happened. We ate dinner, walked around to all the same spots we normally do. After the show I drove her home and had to go in and grab some things. We talked for a minute. I kind of made it a point to tell her that I hope she actually wants to see me and isn't just hanging out to please me or make it easier on us. She said that's not it, she wants to hang out with me and that tonight was really good. When I was leaving we hugged and I gave her a little kiss on the cheek. What suprised me was that after that, I was kind of looking at her saying I'd see her later and she grabbed me and actually kissed me. I mean, nothing huge but she kissed me on the lips. So that made me feel better.

 

I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know that this break (or whatever it is) is what we need. It's just hard because we seem so... normal. I guess I have to learn to look at it objectively and if it looks good, be happy about that but at the same time prepare to lose her. That's hard to do, very conflicting.

 

But yeah, it was good, but that kind of scares me. I'm planning on not calling her for awhile. Her birthday is in 2 weeks so if I can go that long without calling that'd be good. It might be kind of harsh not to call her on her birthday, but I'll keep it short.