We broke up

[HeavenOrHell]

Yesterday I'm gutted.

About 10 days ago I emailed him saying I was finding it hard the fact he retreats into his own world a lot when we're apart as it feels like he doesn't care much about us, means he's not demonstrative or expressive when apart, for weeks or months at a time it could be good, to a certain extent, and then he'd retreat again. And I would do all the initiating visits.

 

He's a loner and that does worry him.

 

But he initiated most daily phone calls, and go online every night, so not like he wasn't putting any effort in.

 

When we were together everything was wonderful, we both felt that.

I also talked about the future in the email, I jokingly said he'll probably run away now I've said all that, and he said no that wasn't going to be his reply, he's been really loving and sweet since I sent it, so I hoped there was a way forward to us, some sort of compromise like meeting more often, but yesterday he said he needs a break, and that maybe I need one too, that it's not right of him to make me feel **** or worried about us every so often,

and he doesn't see the long distance situation changing any time soon. He said when we're together everything is great and when we're apart he retreats into his own world and that's no good.

 

He said he's not the type of person who finds it easy to move, or change jobs, which I knew. I can't move there either, as much as I love him, lack of love isn't the reason for us not moving.

 

We spoke later and he said he has problems he needs to face up to and to work things out for himself, but for now at least just be friends as it's not working.

He said he thinks one reason he can be distant is because it's his way of dealing with the distance.

 

He said sorry it was harder for me than it was for him, and that stung, but that he's not finding it easy or taking it lightly, (I'd said in the email 10 days ago he can come across like that) not quite sure what he means, maybe easier for him as he's a loner and also being on his own might be easier as he doesn't have to confront his problems.

 

I'm just stunned as up til then he was so loving, so I was hopeful.

 

I feel he was ok with us until I sent the email, I'd felt we were a lot closer the last few months and felt more secure, until about 6 weeks ago when he retreated again and I had to say something in the end. But maybe I should've just tried to enjoy what we have, cos I didn't want to lose him.

 

I am upset he won't discuss options of trying to make it work, he's just given up, and that is what I dreaded

 

All I can think about is how I'll miss our wonderful times together and our daily contact and closeness, I can't believe he's stopping all that.

 

He wants to be friends, and meet up eventually in whatever capacity, but said it's best we don't meet up for a while at least, (said we'd just end up in bed and that wouldn't help). He said he hopes we can communicate.

 

I'm not sure if he's leaving for my sake, to make it easier for me, or for his sake (hard for him knowing I'm struggling, and don't think he finds the distance easy).

 

Some friends tell me it's for the best, given the situation, others say give him some time.

 

His work is mad stressful again lately which is what led him to break up last year, the pressure of LDR and work was too much, but when we got back together we were closer than ever.

 

We both know what we had was special.

 

Really going to struggle to let go and I don't know whether to let any hope go.

 

Ultimately distance has ruined it, because he is more demonstrative when we're together and it's all I need, but we're not together most of the time.

 

I wish he'd talk to me about finding ways to try make it work, like meeting more often or me going there for 2-3 weeks at a time, but he seems to have made his mind up.

 

He did this last year (March) broke up instead of talking to me about it.

 

There was a lot of love, and tenderness and sadness in his voice last night, in a way it would be easier if he was cold and distant, but knowing we have a lot of love for each other still is hard to walk away from.

 

Three years

 

Saw him earlier this month, had a lovely few days celebrating his 40th.

[Els]

So sorry to hear this, HoH.

 

If it helps, I honestly, honestly think that it is best this way. I know you two love each other very much... but as anyone in a LDR for a significant amount of time knows, love alone is not enough. Your R has been rocky for a very long time, and it seemed to be bringing you a lot of grief a lot of the time. In the end, even if you still love him, perhaps this is best for your own personal well-being, in that you don't have a constant source of unhappiness anymore.

 

I've been following your story for a very long time, and I know how much you invested in this. It breaks my heart to read your post. But I really do agree with your friends who say that this is best, given your situation.

 

Many hugs.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks Elswyth, maybe you're right, just can't accept it yet, can't believe he won't even talk about options with me, that it's easier to give up, doesn't make me feel great, one of the things I'd said is it possible for us to try and meet once a month, but he said there would still be the same feelings there.

 

It's like a bad dream.

 

 

So sorry to hear this, HoH.

 

If it helps, I honestly, honestly think that it is best this way. I know you two love each other very much... but as anyone in a LDR for a significant amount of time knows, love alone is not enough. Your R has been rocky for a very long time, and it seemed to be bringing you a lot of grief a lot of the time. In the end, even if you still love him, perhaps this is best for your own personal well-being, in that you don't have a constant source of unhappiness anymore.

 

I've been following your story for a very long time, and I know how much you invested in this. It breaks my heart to read your post. But I really do agree with your friends who say that this is best, given your situation.

 

Many hugs.

[Els]

I think you mentioned that there was no way in the foreseeable future to ever close the distance, right? And it's been LD for about 3 years?

 

How much longer do you feel this situation would be sustainable for, given the toll that it takes on your mental and emotional well-being? Even if you did manage to meet once a month?

[HeavenOrHell]

I feel I've made him confront a lot of his issues and that's why he said he needs to face up to some things and time to figure things out.

But I've no idea if things would improve so much he'd want to try again.

 

I don't know if meeting once a month would work unless we tried it, it would have been useful to try some things out to see if it helped or not. I told him that.

 

I'm frustrated that he's walked rather than talked.

 

A future together is not on the cards no, unless I moved there, that's if he wanted me to, he usually says it would make more sense for him to move here as I have more to give up, but that he can't for the foreseeable.

 

He said in some ways moving might have been easier if we were younger and not so settled.

 

He found it hard getting to 40, on his birthday he said he felt he'd achieved nothing in his life.

 

He is too fearful to branch out though, and right now so am I.

 

I have my own issues to work on to, but I don't think I've let them get in the way of our r/ship, he's often said he doesn't feel pressure by me, that he pressures himself.

 

I'm defeated I guess.

 

 

I think you mentioned that there was no way in the foreseeable future to ever close the distance, right? And it's been LD for about 3 years?

 

How much longer do you feel this situation would be sustainable for, given the toll that it takes on your mental and emotional well-being? Even if you did manage to meet once a month?

[HeavenOrHell]

If only he'd opened up more, just him saying yesterday that part of the reason he's distant is his way of coping, it just helps to hear these things, I wish he had communicated these things and things would have been easier for me to deal with.

It was the not knowing how he felt a lot of the time when apart which was doing my head in, I took his being distant as not being too bothered about us, which isn't true.

[justwhoiam]

If you really want him, send him one last email. Tell him hopefully he's not doing that for you but for himself, as you didn't really need that kind of reaction, because now you're just in the doldrums with no way out.

 

You wish him well, and add that if that is his final decision, you will block any contact with him for a very long time with no certainty about coming back, as you still love him and can't be friends with him like snapping your fingers.

 

***

 

I'm sorry about this sad moment. I know how it feels. I go through that very same thing cyclically. It looks like men put in the effort, but when they are comfortable, it's not a priority to them anymore, as their logic is "she knows I love her anyway". Some effing logic. And they fall back into it over and over.

[CherryT]

HoH, I'm so so very sorry. It's difficult to love others when someone can't love themselves. It sounds very cheesy, but I have no doubt the love you both have for each other. But I think he struggles from loving you, the relationship and then loving himself. On one hand, he has a great relationship with you but on the other hand, he may be telling himself that he doesn't deserve this and that you don't deserve his inability to face his issues. It's a hard internal struggle and sometimes when there's no light at the end of the tunnel, they just shut down. Even if they want to fight, something in them paralyzes them from doing so.

 

I don't have much to add other than I'm so very sorry... and it's hard when the love is still there.

[nugget_718]

I'm really sorry HoH you are going through this right now. Getting your heart broken is the most excruciating moment someone has to go through. Your whole world is shattered beyond belief and you felt so broken deep down yet there is no physical pain. You will hear many advise and most of them will be...it will get better in time....and please believe them coz it does. I have been there and still going through it myself but it gets better everyday. I could have written your post 2 weeks ago when I had the most dreaded "talk" with my ex-LDR bf. Our issues are almost to a tee as yours....no 3rd party, no falling out of love, just the circumstance that were in....LDR. While it is true that the hardest will be not having that daily contact anymore, you will get used to it like I did. Someone once told me this, that when a man pulls away, what you do and what you think are critical. You need to keep your calm, cool and relax self so you can control your emotions. Don't let your emotions control you coz that is when you sometimes do unthinkable things like begging, pleading or much worse getting angry and exploding with unnecessary exchange of hurtful words. Give him the space he needs and in return it will help you look back at the relationship from a different perspective. If you want him back, you've got to let him go first.

[LittleTiger]

Yesterday I'm gutted.

 

HOH, I am so sorry (((((Hugs)))))

 

You two obviously love each other very much so it does seem very sad that you couldn't work things out. As Elswyth says though, love really isn't enough by itself and LDRs are probably the most difficult type of relationship to sustain.

 

If your partner is regularly exiting the relationship, emotionally speaking, it isn't at all surprising that you are struggling to cope......and he does do this on a very regular basis.

 

That alone is enough to put me in the 'this is for the best' camp.

 

Then, on top of that, you also have the fact that you clearly cannot close the distance. It isn't anybody's fault but it is a huge obstacle for both of you. I know for certain that I couldn't deal with a situation like yours.

 

Have you considered perhaps going NC for a while? Just until the edge has gone from the pain. I realise it's not what you might want to do but it might make it easier for both of you to cope.

[Forever Learning]

I'm so sorry for all the grief you are experiencing HoH. Hang in there as best you can. I know it's beyond tough. Hopefully with each passing day it will get a little bit easier. ((( hugs )))

[LittleTiger]

I feel I've made him confront a lot of his issues and that's why he said he needs to face up to some things and time to figure things out.

But I've no idea if things would improve so much he'd want to try again.

 

I don't know if meeting once a month would work unless we tried it, it would have been useful to try some things out to see if it helped or not. I told him that.

 

I'm frustrated that he's walked rather than talked.

 

If only he'd opened up more, just him saying yesterday that part of the reason he's distant is his way of coping, it just helps to hear these things, I wish he had communicated these things and things would have been easier for me to deal with.

It was the not knowing how he felt a lot of the time when apart which was doing my head in, I took his being distant as not being too bothered about us, which isn't true.

 

You may well have made him confront his issues - and, again, that's a good thing........because, at the moment how he is isn't making you happy.

 

You are frustrated with him and you wish he could have been different -

- I'm frustrated that he's walked

- If only he'd open up more

- I wish he had communicated these things

 

and, at the same time, you acknowledge that this is how he is.

 

So it probably doesn't matter whether you see each other every month or for two or three weeks, or whatever else you think might make a difference, he will still be how he is.

 

Which suggests that, until he does face up to these issues, if indeed he actually wants to, you are never going to be happy in a relationship with him - at least not one that involves any significant time apart.

 

I hope you understand what I'm saying because I am truly saying it with the best of intentions. I would like to see you find some peace with this because it has clearly been hurting you for so long.

[umirano]

HeavenOrHell, I am very very sorry to hear this. I can so identify with you. Together we just click, but the longer we're apart the more difficult things become. Every time it happens, I get upset and eventually put it on the table. Sometimes peacefully, sometimes not so much. I guess we're younger and thus more emotional. I don't see how else you could have dealt with your situation. I held a gun to her head (figuratively, yes!) so many times but "we" always fall back into this trap. And we aren't even one year down range. So you said it's over because you knew it will never change, but secretly you hoped for him to beg you to stay and try again?

 

On another note, and because of my own experience I have to disagree with justwhoiam:

 

It looks like men put in the effort, but when they are comfortable, it's not a priority to them anymore, as their logic is "she knows I love her anyway". Some effing logic. And they fall back into it over and over.

 

In my RS it's the other way round, she always communicated scarcely, and at times disappeared on me completely. Like a submarine, and then I sat here wondering where and how she'll resurface. The first time I didn't really react for a long time, I was just heartbroken. One night I sat down, without even calling her I composed the breakup e-mail. When she read it later she called/texted/sent e-mail immediately and I accepted her excuses. Then it happened another time, I called, and she confirmed things were ok. Usually I was worried she'd silently break up. After that she communicated more, but it came and went in waves.

 

Right now, it's the same thing again. I'm at a loss. I don't feel like calling her and checking up on her all the time because I don't want to seem controlling. And know for a fact that she is able to communicate but she chooses not to. On the other hand I know that she feels sad / bored and gets into a rut sometimes, which means I should check up on her. I'm really conflicted. Tonight I'm not reaching out after having been blown off lately. I don't feel like being a long distance therapist. I want to be a good boyfriend, and god damn, I am one! I traveled, paid for trips, made each of our meet ups special to the best of my abilities. I met her family, learned about the host countries, I communicate more than in any other RS I have been in. Hell, she can know my whole day, if she wants to. All I expect is her to communicate without me having to ask for it every day.

 

So, justwhoiam, my experience is way different.

 

HeavenOrHell, are our cases somewhat similar? And are you going NC or what is your strategy? Are you even sure it's final? He doesn't sound like someone who comes back easily?

 

All the best to you, again, I'm very sorry, I think I have an idea of the pain you're going through.

[Forever Learning]

You may well have made him confront his issues - and, again, that's a good thing........because, at the moment how he is isn't making you happy.

 

You are frustrated with him and you wish he could have been different -

- I'm frustrated that he's walked

- If only he'd open up more

- I wish he had communicated these things

 

and, at the same time, you acknowledge that this is how he is.

 

So it probably doesn't matter whether you see each other every month or for two or three weeks, or whatever else you think might make a difference, he will still be how he is.

 

Which suggests that, until he does face up to these issues, if indeed he actually wants to, you are never going to be happy in a relationship with him - at least not one that involves any significant time apart.

 

I hope you understand what I'm saying because I am truly saying it with the best of intentions. I would like to see you find some peace with this because it has clearly been hurting you for so long.

 

I have to agree.

 

And, don't underestimate peace.

 

It is a really wonderful thing to have in life.

 

I lived in turmoil for 16 years in a crazy relationship.

 

Peace is way better than limbo and uncertainty.

 

Being single is peaceful for me. I enjoy it. Being single can be a good thing, if a relationship just isn't working, for whatever reason.

 

Just a thought, I know it's not what you want to hear, I do understand that, and I know the entire situation is very emotionally painful.

[LittleTiger]

It looks like men put in the effort, but when they are comfortable, it's not a priority to them anymore, as their logic is "she knows I love her anyway". Some effing logic. And they fall back into it over and over.

 

I think you are talking about 'some' men because this isn't my experience. Kiwi man and I are in a very 'comfortable' relationship and he still goes out of his way to make sure I feel happy and loved and special. In fact, the longer we have been together, the more attentive he has become.

 

If you find your man is falling back into not making an effort, on a regular or cyclical basis, I would ask yourself if you're with the right man!

[Chris516]

I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

I wish it would have worked out.

[AJinlove]

My heart goes out for you HoH, stay strong; hugs and smiles for you from me.

[Els]

Hope you're feeling a little better, HoH. Keeping you in my thoughts.

[pettie]

((( Big hugs )))

[cerridwen]

How are you, H?

 

Where are you two with things?

 

Sending you love from America.

[amayana]

Oh no HoH!!! I had no idea

So sorry I didn't post anything earlier! I hope you're ok, can't believe it's been a month and I didn't even realise. Sending you all my love!

[kiwildr]

Sending you massive big hugs from NZ ((())) ....

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you! Break up didn't last long, seeing him in 2 weeks, seems neither of us are ready to give up just yet.

Thank you for the kind words

[kiwildr]

That is good news

[missunshine]

aweee that's awesome!! these break ups don't really last long... one just can't bear them for too long ) however, I think you should both think about your distance issue seriously, cause as Elswyth said, love alone is truly not enough.