How many OW gets happy ending?

[Summer Breeze]

Depends where you get your statistics from. Some have more legitimacy than others.

 

You are comparing apples to oranges. The statistics I mentioned involved affairs that actually led to the affair partners marrying each other. Highly doubtful almost half of all affairs end up with the affair partners marrying each other.

I was going to respond to this in your original post but you brought up a few other things I might make mention on. This study is from 2,000 successful businessman and, as you said, ended in M. I think most OW wouldn't think that M is necessarily the 'happy ending'. I don't care if DMM and I end up M. I'm not sure if we're actually even going to last but I definitely feel like I've had a happy ending. I feel even more that he made his choice about getting a D with me well out of the way so he's done what he needed to do and hopefully having his happy ending--maybe without me in the long run.

 

75% of affairs ended in marriage? I think we can rule out that statistic as bogus.

I read LFHs post as 'give it a go' and that's the first step when an A ends and the WS moves to have an out in the open R with the OW. Because an A ends doesn't mean it jumps into another M so I don't see the logic in making that the definitive 'happy ending'. I'm amazed at the pressure I felt to make sure dMM and I worked. He left his xW when I was years behind him so I knew he didn't leave for me. But the pressure to make sure it works and hang on because of what he did was immense. Fortunately we've worked through that and are coming out the other end and enjoying it for what it is.

 

The divorce rate is 50% for first marriages, 65% for second marriages. That is a statistic that is upheld in a variety of studies. I find it hard to believe that 80% of these marriages you refer to lasted. That would go against all of the studies and statistics that I have read.

 

I can't validate any statistics, and of course, neither can you, without doing studies of our own. So I'll consider the statistics from affairs of people I know IRL. Of the 15 affairs I can think of offhand involving people I know IRL, one ended in marriage between the affair partners. And that marriage is now dissolved. None of these couples ended up with a happy ending.

 

We are talking about two different things. I'm talking about affairs that end in marriage. You are talking about several other types of endings. I don't consider what you have to be a successful ending. Your MM is still married to his wife. You only see him part time.

 

I'm not trying to twist anything. I'm going by the statistic that is out there that I believe is the most reliable. I have no horse in this race. I used the statistic that I believed was the most reliable, and it is certainly the one that has proven to be the most accurate from the real life affairs of the people I know.

 

I know more people than I care to admit who have been in As. Probably 60% have left Ms and carried on their new Rs. Of them most are still together. From observations of people I know the number is way high of 3%.

 

I'm not being snitty here. I think my biggest thing is the fact that being M isn't necessarily the happy ending everyone has in mind. As I said my happy ending was that we've had the opportunity to see what we'll have between the two of us.

[GettingOver]

Is this how you felt as an OW? If so, I'm sorry that your self esteem was that low. I have never "accepted everything" and I was never taken advantage of, I'm so sorry that you did and were. And I have no idea why you would assume that being in an affair = not respecting myself or having any boundaries? Marriage is not sacred to everyone, nor is it the end all of relationships. It is an agreement that once was valid and often becomes invalid over the years due to both parties not valuing it any longer and they null and void their vows long before the actual divorce. I would never be in a marriage like the one my boyfriend had with his ex wife. Talk about no self respect and no boundaries!

 

People that have affairs are not all lacking self esteem, boundaries, or self respect. In fact, I would venture to say that there are many more of those types of people in marriages than in affairs, but that's just from personal observations. Being in an affair takes a lot more active participation with someone than marriage does as they tend to not just auto-pilot themselves, affairs that is, like marriages often are allowed/expected to by those in them. I would even venture to say that I had many more boundaries in my affair than I ever did in my marriage as society had trained me to accept craziness in marriage as "part of the package". Whereas, in my affair, I knew what I wanted, what I would accept, and what was a dealbreaker for me and I was able to walk away without a look back because we were not all wrapped up in one another in a million aspects - house, families, finances, etc.

In the beginning of the affair I did not feel that way bacause it was just blooming or perhaps I was blinded by my feelings. I started accepting what I did not like cause I was afraid to loose him at all ... It was hard to accept that you can never come first (with married older men it is always the case...) but I could not see him finding any compromise at all - teh further the more. I don't want to say that every OW disrespects herself, but the one who wants her MM for 100%, not 50% but still stays in the A and accepts all the excuses probably does. And I am not the only one. If everone is happy and are getting what they want at least for 90% - then I guess it is ok no matter if it's a marriage or an affair. But I wanted more and agreed for less, the more I accepted the "less" the less I have been given... So I basically I "demonstrated" that I accept all the excuses and hang around untill he can finally concentrate on me/visit me/find time to chat, etc. But I finally stopped it cause due to his behavior my feelings grew weaker. Yes, I tend to loose myself in a person I love and as a result it is very hard to let go even if the situation sucks

[Anna-Belle]

It's been 5+ years of EMR, but we are now 3 months post Dday and my MM is in the middle of separating from his wife. He'll be moving into an apartment of his own in June and their house is due to be for sale soon.

[Athens]

Happy ending? Thats pretty sick if you think about it- for you to have a happy ending someone else gets wrecked-families come apart, kids are shuffled back and forth, happy ending? pretty doubtful-

[Got it]

The statistics show that 3% of all affairs end up with the affair couple getting married to each other. Of that 3%, 65% of those marriages end in divorce, using the statistics for failure rate of second marriages in general. Of course, second marriages arising from an affair often also have significantly more trust issues in addition to the normal issues which erode the marriage, so that 65% is likely higher. That would mean that roughly 1% of affairs have happy endings. The other 99% do not.

 

I think you need to give the context on this stat as well to get a good picture of what you are actually quoting. This stat is based on a small sampling of men in one company who were studied over a period of time. It was less than 2000 men, and the 3% is based on the number of men who had affairs, divorced, married their OP and where together with them for at least 5 years. This study did not study women working in the company, people who did divorce but didn't marry, etc.

 

So when you take that stat, and really look at what it is comparing, trying to extrapolate across the entire population is ridiculous.

 

We need to make sure to give the big picture on the information, the context of it, when dispensing it as facts. Outside of that it can be and is very misleading.

Edited May 29, 2013 by Got it

[Finally Settled]

Happy ending? Thats pretty sick if you think about it- for you to have a happy ending someone else gets wrecked-families come apart, kids are shuffled back and forth, happy ending? pretty doubtful-

 

I'm sure it doesn't require reminding, but I will do so regardless-this is a thread for the happy endings of the other woman, not the betrayed spouse.

 

You are one hundred percent correct that a happy ending for one does not result in a happy ending for all. If I had initiated a divorce at any time in my marriage it would still have created an unhappy ending for my exwife.

[KathyM]

I think you need to give the context on this stat as well to get a good picture of what you are actually quoting. This stat is based on a small sampling of men in one company who were studied over a period of time. It was less than 2000 men, and the 3% is based on the number of men who had affairs, divorced, married their OP and where together with them for at least 5 years. This study did not study women working in the company, people who did divorce but didn't marry, etc.

 

So when you take that stat, and really look at what it is comparing, trying to extrapolate across the entire population is ridiculous.

 

We need to make sure to give the big picture on the information, the context of it, when dispensing it as facts. Outside of that it can be and is very misleading.

Every study has its limitations. If there is a more accurate study out there on the subject that uses a larger sample population that would have more accuracy, feel free to post it. I'd say 2,000 men is a pretty large study population. Many studies have far less than that number.

[Goodbye]

Uhm, OP correct me if I'm wrong but...I think she was asking the OW's on the board how many of THEM had a "happy" (whatever that means) ending. I doubt she was really looking for a statistical analysis.

[Got it]

Every study has its limitations. If there is a more accurate study out there on the subject that uses a larger sample population that would have more accuracy, feel free to post it. I'd say 2,000 men is a pretty large study population. Many studies have far less than that number.

 

It wasn't just the 2000 but the perimeters around it, i.e. that it resulted in marriage (not counting those that live together but not marry which is increasing in all demographics across the board), and that they were married for a minimum of 5 years at that point.

 

So while the pool is of adequate size there are other narrowing perimeters that need to be acknowledged.

[So happy together]

Happy ending? Thats pretty sick if you think about it- for you to have a happy ending someone else gets wrecked-families come apart, kids are shuffled back and forth, happy ending? pretty doubtful-

 

I do not believe my 'happy ending' was what caused the 'wrecked families" etc. My relationship is a new beginning for a man who was stuck (he felt at the time) in a horrible marriage. He is now out of that and we are pursuing our relationship out in the open. They were broken long before I came upon the scene and everyone will be better for it, yes, even the stbxw. Hopefully she will move on and find someone more compatible, rather than stay in an unhappy marriage in which nobody is having their needs met.

[ComingInHot]

LFH, I am truly happy that you feel if your ending happened you be happy* You and your stitch are or seem Very different from OP' s.

 

She hasn't been back to comment on Anything yet.?.? But I kind of would like to hear what she has to say because she really doesn't sound "happy".

[letmoc]

I know that even if I "won" i'm not sure I could trust him.

[SidLyon]

Just want to know how many OW gets happy ending with the MM in the end.

And how long does the whole thing take ?? have you two broke up or seperated for a while im between ?? THanks

 

The OW that my H had the affair with has "apparently" got a happy ending, so far. But not with my H but with another MM that she was also having an A with.

 

Basically the other MM was persuaded to leave his wife and 4 children on (co-incidentally??) the day after an e-mail was sent to her by me and my WH telling her that the A (with my H) was over.

 

Her so called happy ending has come at the expense of 3 families (including extended family), as her BH died shortly before all this occurred. This all happened nearly 5 years ago, and more recently the rumour is, she's chasing yet another MM at her current work.

 

I believe it's not over 'til it's over, especially in her case, and somehow I doubt this will really be a "happy ending".

[William]

As about 15 out of the last 20 postings have been deleted as either off-topic or inflammatory, but largely without infractions, we'll change that moving forward. Please adhere to the topic and post in a civil and respectful manner. Thanks.