Junkshakemail Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Hey guys, Here is a short history, I have been engaged for 5 months now to a girl I dated for 5 years on and off. It was going great will last month when our old problem of religion came up. I am an atheist (I was born muslim) and she is a muslim, I didnt tell her directly but she always knew that I dont follow religion I slowly eased her into it and its now full blown problem. She says religion is a key factor for her and in her future husband, but I maintained that religion and relationship is separate and we dont need to mix them. I respect her for her faith and I wound never stop her to follow or ask her to be an atheist but she feels I should at least have the basic in religion. But I dont understand why cant she just keep it separate from the relationship like I want to. She told that I always have it my way and now she says she will try to accept but she is being very distant and uninterested but maintains that she loves me and want to be with me ( I figured she is just upset) Normally I would have broken up in a relationship but we are far into this with our families involved and the wedding preparation starting. Any help is appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 You may not think religion should come into play within the relationship, but what about when or if you have kids together? It sounds like that would be a major issue in child rearing in determining how you raise your child. It also sounds like she has made it clear what she wants in a relationship and if there is no working around it, you have no choice but to move on. Don't change your religion or lack thereof just because she wants you to. You have to want to do it yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junkshakemail Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 Thank you very much for your reply, Definitely having kids would be a problem and we havent spoke about it. The problem is we both love each other so much and have gone though so much to let it go. She feels that she has to adjust to everything and she makes it sound like I do nothing. The current state is she said she will be adjusting to me but I am just getting this weird feeling this will always haunt us and we can never get past this. We shouldnt be feeling this way after our engagement right ? Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 You don't get to choose what's important to HER in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Thank you very much for your reply, Definitely having kids would be a problem and we havent spoke about it. The problem is we both love each other so much and have gone though so much to let it go. She feels that she has to adjust to everything and she makes it sound like I do nothing. The current state is she said she will be adjusting to me but I am just getting this weird feeling this will always haunt us and we can never get past this. We shouldnt be feeling this way after our engagement right ? Engagement isn't all roses and a lot of people encounter difficulties during this time. Have you thought about pre-marital counseling? This may help you both with this issue. If you are truely meant to be together, both of you will find a way to compromise. I'm not religious myself and never could see myself being religious because a lot of religious context goes against my beliefs. I'm willing to support someone who is more religious but not go to church every week kind of thing. It's really about how you both feel. It sounds like for her it is a deal breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Hey guys, Here is a short history, I have been engaged for 5 months now to a girl I dated for 5 years on and off. It was going great will last month when our old problem of religion came up. I am an atheist (I was born muslim) and she is a muslim, I didnt tell her directly but she always knew that I dont follow religion I slowly eased her into it and its now full blown problem. She says religion is a key factor for her and in her future husband, but I maintained that religion and relationship is separate and we dont need to mix them. I respect her for her faith and I wound never stop her to follow or ask her to be an atheist but she feels I should at least have the basic in religion. But I dont understand why cant she just keep it separate from the relationship like I want to. She told that I always have it my way and now she says she will try to accept but she is being very distant and uninterested but maintains that she loves me and want to be with me ( I figured she is just upset) Normally I would have broken up in a relationship but we are far into this with our families involved and the wedding preparation starting. Any help is appreciated Marriages between an atheist and a staunchly religious person rarely work out. Faith and marriage go hand in hand for religious people. Your fiancé will not be able to separate those two things in the long run. My husband is an atheist. I pray and believe in God, but I never go to church. I wish my husband was not an atheist, however I understand that we all must walk our own spiritual paths. I never pressure my husband to change his beliefs and he respects mine, though he doesn't agree with them. I know it is sad to call off a wedding, but it is far less painful than a divorce. If I am not mistaken, divorce is a huge taboo for Muslims isn't it? I would recommend pre-marital counseling which is not religiously based. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junkshakemail Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 Thank you all for your replies, Yes divorce is a huge thing in my culture, I can definitely understand how she feels about religion and I respect her faith and would never stop her from any thing. But she does not seem to share my view of us having different paths yet she says she wants to get married to me. I thought it was a deal breaker too but she keep insisting its all up to me if I want to go ahead when I repeatedly saying that I dont have a problem. We definitely need a pre-martial counselling but the problem is we are in a long distant thing till we get married and she comes over here. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 May I ask if this marriage was arranged? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 Normally I would have broken up in a relationship but we are far into this with our families involved and the wedding preparation starting. Oh, man.... You CANNOT marry someone because you are so far along in wedding planning. You stated it right here. You would have broken up! Are you going to give yourself a lifetime of hurt just because your families are involved in wedding planning? What would be more financially expensive - calling off the wedding now or going through a divorce later. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted May 23, 2013 Share Posted May 23, 2013 I'm not even extremely religious, or even moderately religious, but I don't think I could date an atheist. I think religion is right up there as one of the biggest causes for divorce along with the issue of kids, and spending money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junkshakemail Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 May I ask if this marriage was arranged? No it wasnt arranged we know each other for about 10 years and dated about 5 to 6 years 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junkshakemail Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 Oh, man.... You CANNOT marry someone because you are so far along in wedding planning. You stated it right here. You would have broken up! Are you going to give yourself a lifetime of hurt just because your families are involved in wedding planning? What would be more financially expensive - calling off the wedding now or going through a divorce later. Very try, I would not want us to be unhappy for the rest of our lives and then get a divorce. She says she is going to adjust, will have to think this whole thing cover Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 I would suggest living together first before deciding to marry. It sounds like you need a trial run since you aren't living together. Then you'll really know what it's like to be married. Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Pink Sugar makes a good suggestion...not sure if cohabitation is acceptable in conservative cultures and faiths. Link to post Share on other sites
hppr Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Dating off and on for 5-6 years is a long damned time. 5 month engagement is a long one as well. Makes me think you two don't get along very well and you mention disagreements on religion which is a huge deal. My take is that if you are okay with a marriage that is exactly like those 5-6 years of on-off dating then fine, if not then you need to call it quits before things get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junkshakemail Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 I would love to live and try it out but the culture comes in the way and I understand that. You might be surprised how well we get alone while we are not fighting thats the reason we were in a relationship this long and I decided to ask her to marry me and I didnt want to loose her. Thats the problem which is stopping me from breaking up, normally we are great together but given this problem she is very cold I try to talk normally but its taking a toll on me which in turn is being reflected in the relationship. I have decided to act cold towards her to show how much it hurts me while she is being like this, I know this is immature but there is only so much I can talk and pretend when she hardly responds and talks. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 I would love to live and try it out but the culture comes in the way and I understand that. You might be surprised how well we get alone while we are not fighting thats the reason we were in a relationship this long and I decided to ask her to marry me and I didnt want to loose her. Thats the problem which is stopping me from breaking up, normally we are great together but given this problem she is very cold I try to talk normally but its taking a toll on me which in turn is being reflected in the relationship. I have decided to act cold towards her to show how much it hurts me while she is being like this, I know this is immature but there is only so much I can talk and pretend when she hardly responds and talks. It IS immature. Don't play mind-games. What are you, 16...? You need to come clean, tell her what is what and advise her that you do not intend to change your stance: it is what it is. Postpone/call off the wedding. This is ridiculous. Man up, be mature, tell he what you need to tell her and that you refuse to accept responsibility for these decisions. She cannot forever be putting the ball in your court because - please trust me on this - she will expect, once you are married, that you will change, and do things her way, because after all, you love her - right? You may love one another, but there are many ideals you do not share. Sadly, these are known as 'deal-breakers'. And Love is not enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junkshakemail Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 It IS immature. Don't play mind-games. What are you, 16...? You need to come clean, tell her what is what and advise her that you do not intend to change your stance: it is what it is. Postpone/call off the wedding. This is ridiculous. Man up, be mature, tell he what you need to tell her and that you refuse to accept responsibility for these decisions. She cannot forever be putting the ball in your court because - please trust me on this - she will expect, once you are married, that you will change, and do things her way, because after all, you love her - right? You may love one another, but there are many ideals you do not share. Sadly, these are known as 'deal-breakers'. And Love is not enough. Thank you for a very brutally honest answer. I have already made my stance said that this is who I am and she should love me for me and not who she wants me to be. This fight is at the end for almost a month so I am completely exhausted and I tried telling her that she is acting different and cold. You are very true that love alone cannot support the relationship, but now she says she will accept and wants to marry as well I am worried if this will never get solved and if I am making a mistake of my life Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Thank you for a very brutally honest answer. I have already made my stance said that this is who I am and she should love me for me and not who she wants me to be. .... ......but now she says she will accept and wants to marry as well I am worried if this will never get solved and if I am making a mistake of my life Yup. Marry her, and it will be. I am who I am.....not who she wants me to be.....now she says she will accept.... Look at the above. She is pacifying you. Trying to put your mind at ease. lull you into a sense of security. Please, please believe me. Once married, this will again, change, because she will have you where she wants you. How old are you guys? (Checking thread to see if ages have been mentioned....) Nope. Ages? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junkshakemail Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 Yup. Marry her, and it will be. Look at the above. She is pacifying you. Trying to put your mind at ease. lull you into a sense of security. Please, please believe me. Once married, this will again, change, because she will have you where she wants you. How old are you guys? (Checking thread to see if ages have been mentioned....) Nope. Ages? I am 24 and she is 23 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Did you know, biologically/anatomically speaking, your brains have not fully finished forming, yet? Postpone this marriage for at least 2 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Did you know, biologically/anatomically speaking, your brains have not fully finished forming, yet? Postpone this marriage for at least 2 years. ^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^ A thousand times This! Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 Dating off and on for 5-6 years is a long damned time. 5 month engagement is a long one as well. Makes me think you two don't get along very well and you mention disagreements on religion which is a huge deal. My take is that if you are okay with a marriage that is exactly like those 5-6 years of on-off dating then fine, if not then you need to call it quits before things get worse. Actually, most couples are engaged for 12-18 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Junkshakemail Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 Thank you guys for all your replies, I will definitely keep it in mind. Looks I have a tough decision to make Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 No. In my opinion, you have some tough news to deliver. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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