Partner wants to become stay at home father

[Ninja'sHusband]

@ Ninja: I dont necessarily want him to be the breadwinner. I want him to be my partner. I had a vision of BOTH of us working towards our goals, while also being financially responsible (ie, in his case at least work part time while working on his writing). I would never ever ask him to be the sole breadwinner while I stay at home, even if it is to watch the kids. It just doesn't make sense to me this day and age and it boggled my mind when he asked that of me.

 

Ok I should have said dominant breadwinner. The way I understand it is most women want the man to make more money than them or they get resentful. Men often don't care if a woman works at all...until they end up in my situation =\

[Mint Sauce]

OP, even if his last position reassured you, I'd suggest you don't close your eyes yet. His prospects seem very unstable, not a converged stable solution after years of reflection. He still sounds like a dreamer.

 

BUT, and this is to me the major point: only dreamers achieve really great things. His history seems to suggest he is NOT out of touch with reality: he's always employed, and if he takes time-off to write, he writes 2 screen plays.

 

If he's capable and ambitious, he may very well realize those dreams, and become a professional writer or director. I've seen dreamers who turn everything they touch into a success. Is your BF one of those?

 

On the other hand, it sounds like you're too set on big money to be happy with a successful (but not rich) husband writer. You write it as if you're working hard just to have a roof over your head, but in between the lines, it sounds as if that roof has to come with a swimming pool...

[LittleTiger]

Interesting thread - glad you managed to work things out. I hope this doesn't rear it's ahead again further down the line though.

 

I have to say I do find it surprising, as someone who clearly works in a field that you love, how resentful you seem to be that your future husband would like the opportunity to do the same.

 

If you were concerned about his work ethic that's one thing, but apparently your annoyance seemed to stem from how 'unfair' you think it is that he should get the opportunity to stay at home while you would have had to suffer the 9-5 grind.

 

If you're not happy with your lot in life, I don't see how it makes it any better that your partner should have to suffer too. He isn't in any way responsible for how hard you have had to work to achieve your life's dream, and nor is he responsible if that dream hasn't worked out quite as you imagined.

 

To me, a relationship is a team. Team members can have different roles at different times, depending on circumstances, and flexibility is important. Equal contribution to a marriage does not usually mean equal financial contribution.

 

You may have sorted things, for now, but what happens when the children start arriving? If your, by then, husband is starting to make money from his writing or photography, and doesn't need to be a part of the 9-5 grind, are you going to resent him for being able to stay home and spend more time with the kids? Or are you going to be grateful that you can continue to pursue your chosen career in the knowledge that you have a loving, supportive husband who's work pattern means he can pick up the kids from school?

 

I just think it's something you might want to consider before you get married - to your current boyfriend or anyone else.

[Pillow]

 

On the other hand, it sounds like you're too set on big money to be happy with a successful (but not rich) husband writer. You write it as if you're working hard just to have a roof over your head, but in between the lines, it sounds as if that roof has to come with a swimming pool...

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting the swimming pool, the large house, the nice food. I want all of that. I've been in a poor/crappy neighborhood and I'm sick of it: crime rate goes up, house value down, crappy grocery stores, less access to nice gyms, pools, and good people. Money makes life easier and better. I know the difference: I went to a good, privileged college with rich kids like Harvard, compared to a school where mostly poor kids go. People struggling don't get to travel as much or go on vacations as often or even have investment portfolios, summer houses etc.

 

I agree with the OP.

[LittleTiger]

There is nothing wrong with wanting the swimming pool, the large house, the nice food. I want all of that. I've been in a poor/crappy neighborhood and I'm sick of it: crime rate goes up, house value down, crappy grocery stores, less access to nice gyms, pools, and good people. Money makes life easier and better. I know the difference: I went to a good, privileged college with rich kids like Harvard, compared to a school where mostly poor kids go. People struggling don't get to travel as much or go on vacations as often or even have investment portfolios, summer houses etc.

 

You're right, there is nothing wrong with wanting all of this and money certainly does make life easier.

 

If it's your number one priority though, you will need to find a partner who feels the same way - or be prepared to make all that money by yourself and not be resentful if their ambitions are different to yours.

 

The OP appears to want the guy she is with - but only if he is prepared to make a significant contribution to achieving her financial goals. Possibly even to the detriment of his happiness and fulfilment.

 

I don't see how this relationship can go the distance because they quite clearly have different values.

[4givrnt4gtr]

@ Mint sauce: Yes it did reassured me. Quite frankly, I don't necessarily care that he as of now doesn't have everything perfectly set to have a stable employment. What I care was that he understood that being an adult means keeping the responsibility of himself, instead of just, like someone said, revert to being a teenager and having someone else meet his needs while he pursues more lofty interests than the mundane paycheck. Thats a luxury that I needed him to understand we don't have right now.

 

 

Im not set on big money at all. Ive never been. Like I said, its not about the money, its more about being with a responsible partner, who is working hard, and is able to stand on his own two feet. I don't know where you got that the roof I need has to come with a swimming pool, and I must say its very judgemental. As I said I am a graduate student, going to school full time and working part time, who for a very long time lived in a studio apartment and was quite fine with it. Now I live in a small one bedroom with my partner, and I would have no problem staying right here. Not really sure why desiring to have a gainfully employed partner, who puts just as much effort as I do to make sure our basic needs are met equals me wanting luxury. Maybe in some parts of the world having just one salary is enough, here, not so much, even with two salaries, it can get pretty rough.

 

@ Littletiger: You know...I was kind of surprised myself at the strong reaction I had to all this. I don't resent that my partner wants to follow his dream. I really really want him to do it, but do it responsibly. I guess I had hoped I would be with someone who doesn't mind working hard and not expect someone else to pick up the slack so they can chase their goals. Again, i think its more about values than anything else.

 

"your annoyance seemed to stem from how 'unfair' you think it is that he should get the opportunity to stay at home while you would have had to suffer the 9-5 grind."

 

Well to be honest I don't know anyone who like the 9-5 grind. But dealing with it its much easier when you know you have a partner who is working towards a common goal, instead of feeling like you are putting the time so someone else can have the luxury to chase a dream without any responsibilities. Like I said, I quite honestly wouldn't mind working full time, if I know he is picking up some of the slack by working part time while also chasing his dream. Show me a bit of common sense and good intent, and I will gladly support your dreams to the end.

 

 

"To me, a relationship is a team. Team members can have different roles at different times, depending on circumstances, and flexibility is important. Equal contribution to a marriage does not usually mean equal financial contribution."

 

Agreed, and I think we are both trying to become this team, except that old habits die hard, and when you've been single for a long time, its hard to lose the "my needs/wants first" mentality, not just financially, but in general. Just for a quick silly example, the first time he and I went camping last year when we first started dating, he brought one small camping pad. Now, when you are a team I would think we would think of how we can share this mattress so we BOTH are comfortable. Instead, he inflated it, put his sleeping bag and went to sleep, leaving me on the floor. I was pissed, thinking he was a selfish jerk. I talked to him about it, and he was dumbfounded. It didn't even occurred to him that I would want to share the mattress and how it made him look. THe next night he insisted I take the mattress and he would sleep on the floor. Would take no for an answer. I insisted we found a more shared solution, and finally figured out how we could both sleep in the mattress comfortably.

 

SO there you go. Im feeling this whole situation is much like the mattress....I love him to death, but he sometimes has a hard time putting himself in someone else's shoes, which sometimes makes him look inconsiderate, and in this case irresponsible. However, just like in the mattress situation, once he becomes aware, he is quick to correct things, and we are able to find a comfortable solution for both of us.

 

"You may have sorted things, for now, but what happens when the children start arriving? If your, by then, husband is starting to make money from his writing or photography, and doesn't need to be a part of the 9-5 grind, are you going to resent him for being able to stay home and spend more time with the kids? Or are you going to be grateful that you can continue to pursue your chosen career in the knowledge that you have a loving, supportive husband who's work pattern means he can pick up the kids from school?"

 

No, not at all, I would love for him to make a living doing what he loves. It would make him happier, in turn making me happy. As long as he is doing something productive, I am happy, whether it makes him work 3 hours, 8 hours or whatever hours. As long as he is pursuing a career that is giving him some kind of results, regardless of what they are. I just don't want to be married to a wanna be (gentleman) of society (and thankfully, it looks like I won't be).

 

@ T3H: You know, I was prepare to stay where we live so that he could continue working where he was. THe only reason we are moving is because he said he wants to quit and wants to go wherever my career takes me. Otherwise, I do tend to put my own wants after the needs of my partner, so this actually wouldn't have been a problem. Now in regards of my partner asking me to be a stay at home parent, I think I would push for the same compromise I arrived with my current partner. I want to work part time, and be home with my children. Everyone wins.

[4givrnt4gtr]

You're right, there is nothing wrong with wanting all of this and money certainly does make life easier.

 

If it's your number one priority though, you will need to find a partner who feels the same way - or be prepared to make all that money by yourself and not be resentful if their ambitions are different to yours.

 

The OP appears to want the guy she is with - but only if he is prepared to make a significant contribution to achieving her financial goals. Possibly even to the detriment of his happiness and fulfilment.

 

I don't see how this relationship can go the distance because they quite clearly have different values.

 

 

I dont like money for money's sake. And my only financial goal is to be able to pay bills and not live paycheck to paycheck. Im pretty sure most people want this...unless you love the thrill of not knowing where your next meal is coming from *living on the edge!*

 

Aside from this, I could be very very happy knowing my husband just published a book, which sure, may have given him just $3000 or so, but aside from the money, gave him the pride that he put in the hard work it takes to publish this book, while also be able to have his own money so he doesn't have to think twice when he is about to go get himself a cup of coffee.

 

Its just as simple as that.

[LittleTiger]

I dont like money for money's sake. And my only financial goal is to be able to pay bills and not live paycheck to paycheck. Im pretty sure most people want this...unless you love the thrill of not knowing where your next meal is coming from *living on the edge!*

 

Aside from this, I could be very very happy knowing my husband just published a book, which sure, may have given him just $3000 or so, but aside from the money, gave him the pride that he put in the hard work it takes to publish this book, while also be able to have his own money so he doesn't have to think twice when he is about to go get himself a cup of coffee.

 

I agree, we all need enough money to pay the bills. However, I believe in doing what you makes you happy and 'living on the edge', as you put it, is something many artistic people do, as well as people who run small businesses.

 

If security makes you happy, that's great. From what you've said about your boyfriend though, I suspect 'security' isn't his number one priority.

 

If he wants to pursue his dream then perhaps he should do so while he can, that is, while the two of you have few responsibilities. If he doesn't do it now, he may resent you later - but if he does, you may resent him. Values can make or break a relationship. That's all I'm saying.

 

I guess by the 'get himself a cup of coffee' remark you don't believe in sharing finances in a marriage? That's something I don't understand but it does seem to be pretty common these days.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I agree, we all need enough money to pay the bills. However, I believe in doing what you makes you happy and 'living on the edge', as you put it, is something many artistic people do, as well as people who run small businesses.

 

If security makes you happy, that's great. From what you've said about your boyfriend though, I suspect 'security' isn't his number one priority.

 

If he wants to pursue his dream then perhaps he should do so while he can, that is, while the two of you have few responsibilities. If he doesn't do it now, he may resent you later - but if he does, you may resent him. Values can make or break a relationship. That's all I'm saying.

 

I guess by the 'get himself a cup of coffee' remark you don't believe in sharing finances in a marriage? That's something I don't understand but it does seem to be pretty common these days.

 

Yeah security makes me happy, thus the reason I chose a career that I know can help me pay the bills. It wont make me rich but I know I will be able to eat. And you know thinking more on it...i don't think my boyfriend doesn't feel security is not a priority...what I suspect is that he has never experienced not having that security, having come from an affluent family, and it sometimes feels like he takes it for granted to an extent. God willing we will never experience a lack of funds for at least the basics, but since I come from the opposite background, where that has happened, I can't help but be more cautious than he is. I guess in the end if we can negotiate it, it may be a good balance. I can learn to relax a bit more, and he can learn to appreciate having stability more as well.

 

What I meant by get himself a cup of coffee was more a projection of how I would be. We would definitely share finances, but if I were in that position where I don't have any income, I would think twice about getting an extra cup of coffee thinking that what if that would push our budget out of line etc. Whereas if I have an income, I can use part of it for discretionary personal things, without worrying about affecting our home budget.

Or worse! Jesus! I cannot imagine my partner asking me for money for gas or coffee!!! I wouldn't want that for him, just like I wouldn't want that for me. I guess its just personal preference of having a more interdependent relationship instead of having a sort of financially dependent, somewhat parentified relationship.

[LittleTiger]

What I meant by get himself a cup of coffee was more a projection of how I would be. We would definitely share finances, but if I were in that position where I don't have any income, I would think twice about getting an extra cup of coffee thinking that what if that would push our budget out of line etc. Whereas if I have an income, I can use part of it for discretionary personal things, without worrying about affecting our home budget.

 

Or worse! Jesus! I cannot imagine my partner asking me for money for gas or coffee!!! I wouldn't want that for him, just like I wouldn't want that for me. I guess its just personal preference of having a more interdependent relationship instead of having a sort of financially dependent, somewhat parentified relationship.

 

If you share finances in a marriage this isn't possible! Everything is shared and the partners contribute equally, although not necessarily in financial terms. There is nothing dependent or 'parentified' about it because it's an equal partnership. Or at least it should be.

 

I don't really understand how you could be so horrified at the thought of 'asking' your husband or wife for money when the money belongs to both of you. I guess younger people just have a different view of marriage.

[Star Gazer]

I've never in my life met a man who wanted to be a house-husband, and the stay-at-home-FATHERs I know all fell into that role after having children and had to adjust to it (it wasn't something they initially wanted).

 

This guy sounds lazy, and I think you're right that he's interested in dating a woman with a graduate degree because she can provide for him.

 

I agree with TBF. Run.

[sunshinegirl]

What I meant by get himself a cup of coffee was more a projection of how I would be. We would definitely share finances, but if I were in that position where I don't have any income, I would think twice about getting an extra cup of coffee thinking that what if that would push our budget out of line etc. Whereas if I have an income, I can use part of it for discretionary personal things, without worrying about affecting our home budget.

Or worse! Jesus! I cannot imagine my partner asking me for money for gas or coffee!!! I wouldn't want that for him, just like I wouldn't want that for me. I guess its just personal preference of having a more interdependent relationship instead of having a sort of financially dependent, somewhat parentified relationship.

 

I guess this perspective hinges on how you're assuming you'll manage finances as a couple. People do things differently, of course, but in my marriage we pool all income into a single joint account and treat everything as a shared expense EXCEPT we each get a small weekly 'allowance' that we can use for personal discretionary stuff - Starbucks, meals out with friends (not each other), etc. There's no dependency in the way you're talking about, and there's no "I'm making more money than you, therefore I get more decision-making power or I get more play money."

[4givrnt4gtr]

If you share finances in a marriage this isn't possible! Everything is shared and the partners contribute equally, although not necessarily in financial terms. There is nothing dependent or 'parentified' about it because it's an equal partnership. Or at least it should be.

 

I don't really understand how you could be so horrified at the thought of 'asking' your husband or wife for money when the money belongs to both of you. I guess younger people just have a different view of marriage.

 

The more I discuss this with you guys the more I realized I have a very strained relationship with money. I think I am projecting a lot on my partner, what I would never ever want to do myself. For example, Im imagining being on the side of the spectrum where I dont earn anything, and my partner does and basically all the money in the account is because he worked it. He made it.

I wouldn't feel like an equal partner if I dont at least put like I dont know $100 bucks in that account. I would feel terribly guilty if I wanted to make an extra, perhaps unecessary purchase, as small as getting a cup of coffee, if I am not adding anything to the account on a regular basis. Again, I understand the ideal concept of seeing that everything belongs to both of us. But if I were to stay home not making any money when surely there are things I could do to help out financially, while my husband gets up at 5 am to work 12+ hours to cover for all our expenses, getting home late at night, I would have a really really hard time as seeing the money he has made as mine. I dont know...It just doesn't compute in my head. I know I know I know its not ideal and it shouldnt be this way but I can't help it. Maybe I should look into this...though up til now this has served me so that I always pull my own weight regardless, and not become complacent just because a potential partner may have good income.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I guess this perspective hinges on how you're assuming you'll manage finances as a couple. People do things differently, of course, but in my marriage we pool all income into a single joint account and treat everything as a shared expense EXCEPT we each get a small weekly 'allowance' that we can use for personal discretionary stuff - Starbucks, meals out with friends (not each other), etc. There's no dependency in the way you're talking about, and there's no "I'm making more money than you, therefore I get more decision-making power or I get more play money."

 

I like this idea. We actually discussed having a joint account, but the details have yet to be hashed. I like this idea though to put everything together and both of us having an allowance from that shared pot.

[Mr. Lucky]

But if I were to stay home not making any money when surely there are things I could do to help out financially, while my husband gets up at 5 am to work 12+ hours to cover for all our expenses, getting home late at night, I would have a really really hard time as seeing the money he has made as mine.

Breaking my own promise to bow out .

 

If you had a child, there would be an extended period of time where you'd be waking up before 5am to do a job that lasted well beyond 12 hours each day.

 

Why don't you put an equal value on that role ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[4givrnt4gtr]

Breaking my own promise to bow out .

 

If you had a child, there would be an extended period of time where you'd be waking up before 5am to do a job that lasted well beyond 12 hours each day.

 

Why don't you put an equal value on that role ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Please Don't bow out, I like these questions. Helps me understand myself more. Hm...I think that, well Im about 99.9% sure that this is because I haven't had children yet, but, I feel like I don't see child care as "work" per say. It may be tough, it may be exhausting and take all day long. But at the end of the day, they are the most important thing in the world, and outside work or not, I probably would be the one getting up at 2, 3 or 5 am, to take care of my babies. I guess its a completely different value to me, and view it more as a privilege than anything else. Again, I may be eating my words a few years from now, but I guess this is the way I feel.

Now going to work, well we all know how that is, specially if its demanding. All in all, yes, I want payment for outside work because, well, it sucks. House work and child care, I would do it a thousand times over working, even in my field. But thats not my reality, so perhaps thats in a way I feel like, man...I get to stay home, clean my house the way I want to, when I want to, care for my kiddos AND spend money I didn't go out to get??? whaaa??! Again, I may be delusional...but only time will tell

Edited May 25, 2013 by 4givrnt4gtr

[Eggplant]

How is he at cooking? Does he cook regularly? Is he good at it? What about cleaning? Is he organized? Is his home clean?

[melodymatters]

We're both learning things here 4g, so that's a good thing right ?

 

I have recently realized that I too have a "differently abled" way of approaching finances vis a vis a relationship. My mom was such a " I don't want to know about the finances, I just want to take you and your sister to ballet lessons and shop at Saks" kinda gal, that it shaped me to become highly financially independent.

 

What I'm realizing now: as I read your thread, while going through my own small businesses naturally slow season, while H keeps getting promotions and raises, is that I have NO problem being the "earner", and taking care of what needs taking care of for our family, but I have a really, really hard time being the "grantee" !

 

MY husband wants to do things, buy things for me, and I'm quietly freaking out, thinking " I don't want him to pay for my haircut, or that cute cupboard I saw at the vintage shop, I'm NOT a child !"

 

H keeps trying to tell me to relax and that this is natural and I deserve to have someone take care of me for a change. It's lovely of him, but it's a stretch!

 

I'm glad you are feeling good about the situation. You certainly sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Best of luck with everything, hopefully BF was just being a bit clueless with his word choices at that moment. It's good to dream big, as long as they have their basis in reality !

[LittleTiger]

Of course he's supportive - he sees you as his meal ticket so it's to his advantage that you succeed.

 

And what do you mean he "helps you a ton around the house?" Why is working your butt off 60+ hours a week AND taking care of everything in the house YOUR sole responsibility - and he's a great guy for 'helping?'

 

Honestly? He sounds like a lazy leech who sees you as his ticket to being able to live a life of leisure.

 

Of course you've lost respect for him. I would too, in your shoes.

 

Wow, somebody got out of bed on the wrong side this morning!

 

To me, he sounds like a genuinely decent guy who has an idea about what goals he'd like to pursue and, rightly, chose to discuss it with the woman he plans to marry. They both handled it well and reached a compromise that works for both of them. It's a shame that kind of communication doesn't happen more often in relationships!

[Janesays]

I used to write for a living. Writing is not something I could do 'anywhere.' I put a lot of work and effort into what I was doing, so I needed space and quiet and lots and lots and lots of TIME. When I was actively employed as a writer, I'd easily write 10 hours a day....not something I could have done if I also carried ANOTHER full time job.

 

I will never understand people who claim they can write 'anywhere' or that they can whip something up 'in an hour or two.' Usually the people that say this aren't very skilled writers, nor do they make a lot of money at it.

 

I was fairly well paid as a writer. Not Stephen King level, mind you, but I cleared a good 80K a year. But then again, I took it very seriously and devoted plenty of time to it. Time I wouldn't have had with another job.

 

Give your husband a year, two tops, to make a viable career out of writing. If it fails, no biggie. He can get a different job then.

[LittleTiger]

Has nothing to do with what side of the bed I got out of.

 

You mean you are always like this?! (Sorry, I couldn't resist!)

 

Seriously, you have no idea what his earning potential as a writer is. Some people are incredibly successful - given the opportunity to follow their 'pipe dream'.

 

Besides which, being a SAH parent is a lot tougher than going out to work - whether you have a Doctorate degree or not - especially if you are trying to write a book at the same time!

[Els]

This guy claims he ONLY wants to date women who have Doctorate degrees

 

Where was this mentioned?

[Star Gazer]

Where was this mentioned?

 

Did you read the OP?

 

When I met him he told me that when he was looking for a relationship, he wanted to make sure the girl he met was well educated with a doctorate and said that this was because he like to have intelligent conversations. Now Im doubting was the only reason for this.

[Almond_Joy]

Ive been in a relationship with my partner for over a year. I met him online and we hit it off right away. Our personalities seem to fit wonderfully, and so far we have not had any major issues. We've talked about getting married very seriously and were planning to get engaged in the next few months.

 

Our relationship had been great until now, and I had no qualms whatsoever about wanting to marry him. We've been living together for 4 months and they have been quite wonderful. As of now, I am a full time student in a graduate program, getting a doctorate degree in a health field. I also work part time, and have to do clinical hours. All in all, I work/go to school for almost 60+ hours per week.

 

He is also a very hard worker so far. He has worked at a local company for the past 5 years, volunteers for over-time, and his bosses love him. He received a pay increase and change in responsibilities earlier this year. Unfortunately this change did not sit well with him, he doesn't like it and has tried to talk to his bosses about changing this.

 

Despite this, I was so proud of him, and well, us, because we both seem very responsible and if we continue working, we should be pretty stable financially, specially once I graduate. When I met him he told me that when he was looking for a relationship, he wanted to make sure the girl he met was well educated with a doctorate and said that this was because he like to have intelligent conversations. Now Im doubting was the only reason for this.

 

A few days ago my partner asked me how I would feel if once I graduated and got a job he became a stay at home husband/father. I was taken aback, as it had never occurred to me that I would ever become the breadwinner of a family. I always thought that to be in a healthy relationship both partners pitch in equally, both financially and in the home. I said that I was not comfortable with that, and that I didnt think I could financially provide for our family alone.

 

He said that he thought I could, and that in any case, we could also use his savings to help us. I asked him what he planned to do if he was not working and he said that he wanted to pursue his creative side, and try to become a writer. Ive known that this was a long term goal for him, but I always figured he would pursue it WHILE working, at least part time!

 

So I said that I would rather him work, so he said that in that case he may be able to work as a photographer, and perhaps even work for natural geographic traveling etc. I asked him how would that affect our having children and how I didn't want to have my children grow up with an absent father. I told him that it kinda felt like he wasn't ready to settle down yet, as most of his "goals" didn't seem to support having a family. He said that that wasn't the case, and that he would "figure it out".

 

The next day I did more research about the whole stay at home father business. I read about the perks of it, specially for the children, and how it would allow me to pursue my career. ALthough this is attractive, I am definitely not a type A career woman. Still, its a plus.

 

So we discuss this more, and I said that maybe we could give it a try for a year or two and see how it turns out. Given this new change I looked to see what kind of opportunities this could give me since we are not to be tied down by his employment. I found a great opportunity, which, if it works, would help me us get out of school debt pretty fast. I told him about this and he was really excited, and said he couldn't wait to quit his job and travel the world (the opportunity involves travel).

 

All this has left a sour taste in my mouth. What I thought our partnership was kinda disintegrated and turned into a role reversal, 1950s thing. He even said that maybe he could volunteer, like at a soup kitchen or something like that. And Im thinking...um...you sound like a lady of leisure, not a 20 something year old man with his whole career in front of him.

 

It also made me question whether his desire to have a girlfriend with a doctorate was more about the earning potential (which would allow him to pursue his "creative side" freely) rather than having an intelligent conversation.

 

Most importantly, it changed the way I view him, and even my desire to marry him. I want to marry a partner, an equal, not a trophy husband. This is making me incredibly sad.

 

I talked to him more about it yesterday, and told him i did not want to be the sole bread winner, that I really did not like the sound of him not working and that all this is making me incredibly anxious. He told me to calm down, that he had not planned in not working at all, that he was just not going to work for "the man". He said he may get a part time job, while we travel for my work, and that he should not worry about us financially, that he would make sure we were always taken care of. Plus, with the opportunity I found, most of our needs would be taken cared of anyway.

 

I dont know what to think about this, Im really distraught, mostly because I didn't see it coming and it is not something I want in my life.

 

As I said we were planning on getting married within the next two years and having a baby the year after that. Now Im seriously considering delaying all that and see how it goes for the first year that we would be traveling with my job.

 

I dont know what to do about all this. Am i overreacting? Am i being too cautious? What would you guys do in this situation?

 

This man sold you a wolf ticket.

 

He knew he didn't want to work the kind of job that offers stable income when he met you. I think he was waiting to see that you could provide financial security for him long term.

 

If that's the kind of relationship he wants, ok, but he shouldn't have told you different in the beginning. That's straight up manipulative.

 

Personally I'm of the equal partners on all fronts approach also, so I could see why this doesn't sit well with you. If you push him to keep doing what he initially said, which is keep on the career path he has, I think he will become unhappy and resentful. I don't think that you would be to blame for that and probably wouldn't want to be with someone who would be feeling that way most of the time.

 

I think you should leave, you two are on two different pages in terms of expectations as he's now revealed.

[Almond_Joy]

SO!!!

 

Just to give the resolution to this little mess....

 

My SO came home, and I think he had noticed how upset Ive been about all this. He asked me if I had any more feelings about the whole thing, and I told him that though I love him dearly and hope to be supportive of his dreams, I really REALLY needed him to be gainfully employed, even if it was just part time. He did not skip a beat, had no qualms about it and said "sure!" I told him that I figured he could still work on his writing and have at least some type of income that would avoid him burning through his savings. He agreed and even laughed when I said that maybe this way we could both work really hard and perhaps retire early. He said he was not planning on retiring at all, and wanted to have a long prolific life writing. He also said that he thought about it before he even asked me and felt that it was best for him to keep a full time paid employment until his writing took off and he could totally live off of his writing, but not stop working until then. Im so relieved and glad we are both on the same page again. Such a huge burden off of my shoulders.

 

So it all turned out well, thankfully. There is a reason why I love this man

 

Obviously got to this after my previous response, glad he reassessed and you two are back on the same page. Thumbs up to happy endings!