So I'm the MM...

[jaseva]

I just stumbled across this forum. I don't see any threads started by the MM and my OW broke it off once my W found out (3+ weeks ago). Everywhere else I've looked there is very little sympathy for the MM. I understand why, but I know I'm in love with OW.

 

I'm experiencing NC from her (10 days) and it's the worst. I am completely devastated by OW and want her, but I feel alone and alienated by my family and peers. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here, other than the MM can be heart broken as well. People should realize it's not as simple as sex and having your cake and eating it too. I miss her so much, but now that my M break is becoming a reality, I was left by the person who promised she'd be there through it with me.

[ThatJustHappened]

If you're in love with the OW, why didn't you divorce your wife and be with her?

[2sunny]

Why not divorce and be with your OW then?

 

They both deserve to have YOU DOING somethings to change your situation if you love her.

 

Doing nothing shows that you won't change a thing...most OW don't dig that.

[stillafool]

So I guess you will do the right thing by your wife and your OW and ask for a divorce, right? When are you going to file for divorce and go to your OW?

[LilGirlandOW]

interesting and refreshing perspective, I hope my MM loves me like you do your OW. One thing you need to realize is that there is a huge possibility that your BS will feel continued ill-will and resentment towards you and everytime some small fight comes up so will OW. So maybe its worth it to take the plunge and pursue D, build a R with OW or start from scratch with a new mate. I appreciate the MM's perspective

[SunshineToday]

What good is loving your other woman like this if your not going to be with her?

 

Whats the difference if you love someone or hate someone? If you are not with them.....you're still not with them!

 

Divorce your wife if that is what you need to be happy. Because your wife deserves to have a partner that loves her too.

[lifelesson101]

Welcome, and thanks for posting - it is nice to see men here, too. I was the OW. My MM abruptly ended it with me several months back when his wife found out.

 

I am going through what you are, only in reverse. He never promised to leave his wife. But we did have an amazing friendship and always talked about how would could never envision they day when one of us would not be in the others life in some way; even in the realm of friendship and support.

 

I have not heard a peep from him, nor have I contacted him. I just hang on to some small sliver of hope that he really did love me. That he felt about me as you do your OW.

 

This NC stuff gets easier as time goes on. I promise.

 

Keep writing here. I love seeing perspective from the mans' point of view

 

. And please, don't take this wrong, but it is reassuring to know that men are human and feel things too.

[lifelesson101]

**That should have read "how we could." Missed the edit time frame, sorry.

[SunshineToday]

 

I have not heard a peep from him, nor have I contacted him. I just hang on to some small sliver of hope that he really did love me. That he felt about me as you do your OW.

 

 

 

Lifelesson, from someone who has been in an A--if you are still even caring at all how he felt about you, you are not over him yet. Once you get to a place where you can see that real love is backed up by actions and whether someone loved you or someone loved how you made them feel about themselves--it doesn't matter. He stayed with his W and went NC with you.

 

It truly does not cross my mind if my AP loved me for real or loved me for whatever--I feel shame when I even think of that time in my life. Nothing good. It would really suck for him if he was still sitting out there hoping I loved him during the A--when I didn't.

[waterwoman]

Divorce the second- rate wife then and be with your soul-mate. I'm sure you are going to tell me wife was horrible and deserved the betrayal and pain?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I wish I had had the strength to cut it off with my xom. Yes, I believe you are having a difficult time - the feelings are very real. But, if she was wanting you to back your love up with action and you were unable to do that, then I commend her for cutting it off until you clean up your side.

 

It truly is the only way to do this thing right. See what you have left to salvage - can you recover your marriage? And if you can and want to, then you cannot have you OW around during that process.

 

NC is hell - I'm sorry you are experiencing pain. It's an awful thing to have to go through.

[DelusionalOne]

Hi Jaseva. There is plenty of sympathy here to go around here. We are all, give or take a few details, in the same leaky boat. We all understand from one side or another.

 

If your xAP is NC she is probably trying to protect herself. Why don't you tell us what played out on D-Day (discovery-day)?

 

I'm fairly certain that you didn't expect your family and friends to stand up and cheer and pat you on the back when they discovered the affair.

 

So now...what do you want to do? Do you want to save your marriage? Do you want to end your marriage and possibly be with your xAP? Either way, life is seriously going to suck for awhile. But you can't stand still. You need to make a decision, commit to it and move forward.

 

There is a lot of good advice out here from some really great people if you decided to stick around.

 

There are a few guys who post out here. For the most part, no matter what side you are on, you are treated with respect, sympathy, sometimes brutal (but much needed) honesty and a bit of tough love.

[waterwoman]

Jaseva - I apologise for my previous response. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit as they say. I'm a BW so I tend to trigger about MM who seem to care only about OW...... however.....<deep calming breaths> what were your plans? Did you mean to end your marriage? What were your expectations? Where does your wife figure in this?

[Owl]

I just stumbled across this forum. I don't see any threads started by the MM and my OW broke it off once my W found out (3+ weeks ago). Everywhere else I've looked there is very little sympathy for the MM. I understand why, but I know I'm in love with OW.

 

I'm experiencing NC from her (10 days) and it's the worst. I am completely devastated by OW and want her, but I feel alone and alienated by my family and peers. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here, other than the MM can be heart broken as well. People should realize it's not as simple as sex and having your cake and eating it too. I miss her so much, but now that my M break is becoming a reality, I was left by the person who promised she'd be there through it with me.

 

OK...how did she leave you?

 

I'm guessing that you told her that you need to work on the marriage, or do something to save your family...and she told you to do so without her?

 

What do you expect from her? Did you choose her over your wife, over your family? Or did you throw her under the bus when confronted?

 

If you love her that much...show her that. Tell your wife you're divorcing, file for divorce, move out, and pursue your OW.

 

Really...you've already devestated your wife and family...what's stopping you at this point?

[2sunny]

You state a "marriage break"... What does that mean? Divorce? Was "the break" your idea or your wife's idea?

 

What is your intent moving forward?

[Goodbye]

I just stumbled across this forum. I don't see any threads started by the MM and my OW broke it off once my W found out (3+ weeks ago). Everywhere else I've looked there is very little sympathy for the MM. I understand why, but I know I'm in love with OW.

 

I'm experiencing NC from her (10 days) and it's the worst. I am completely devastated by OW and want her, but I feel alone and alienated by my family and peers. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here, other than the MM can be heart broken as well. People should realize it's not as simple as sex and having your cake and eating it too. I miss her so much, but now that my M break is becoming a reality, I was left by the person who promised she'd be there through it with me.

 

 

Welcome, sorry you are hurting. What are your plans? To repair things with your W? How did she find out? Does she want to reconcile? Had you told your OW that you were planning to leave your W for her? How long had she waited?

 

Sorry to fire off so many questions, just trying to understand your situation. Be careful with playing the victim. My exMM did this, and it is really what ended it emotionally for me. When you say "I was left by the person who promised she'd be there through it with me." Really, as a OW with a MM, she has no security at all. She may promise you things in the heat of love, but when push comes to shove, she is smart to protect herself. She could easily flip it around and look at the situation where you had promised to be faithful to a woman and you are now having an affair with her, so maybe promises don't mean much? I don't say this to be mean, I'm just telling you that the OW MAY love you, but may not trust you. All you can do, if you want the OW, is divorce, see if she'll break NC to talk to you and see where it goes from there.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[jaseva]

To everyone - thanks for the welcome. I think I'll at least be lurking for awhile, since I'm in the middle of this. I didn't realize this would elicit so many responses so quickly.

 

To DO and Owl,

 

I'm still not quite hip to all of the shorthand here (what's BS?), but I'll give it a try to give you the back story...

 

I am in love with the OW. She said she loved me and although very skeptical of our chance for success (obviously there was nobody in our corner and hardly anyone we could talk to about it), she said she wanted to be with me. We talked about me splitting up w the W and I never intended to lead OW along. I really felt like it was unfair to OW, myself and W to go on like this. I've never been the ""MM" in an "A" before and was never someone who endorsed this kind of behavior, although here I was in the middle of it.

 

I had my first appointment w/ an attny to start drawing out a road map to D all set. It fell through and I re-scheduled w/ someone else. We were both frustrated abt the short delay, but I set another appt 2 weeks later. Things were fine and moved as they normally did between us. The day before my appt - W found out enough through looking through my phone that we were discovered. I told her I wanted a divorce and I was seeing an attny the next day.

 

I did see the attny. OW became very affraid and concerened. W put it on Facebook blast that I was having the A. OW received friend requests (ignored) from my W as well as a text from her to leave me alone. I think reality set for the OW that this was happening, but I was prepared by the attny as well as financially to make the move.

 

I suppose things got too heavy for OW and she thought it best we go our separate ways. Of course I feel very abondoned at this point and alone. Now I'm left to pick up the pieces of the mess I know I created. W is desparetly trying to work things out and the only reason I'm still here is b/c I feel confused bc the person I love left me at the lowest point of my life before encouraging me to do it.

 

I'm sure many of you will think I had it coming. I realize it's weak, but it's been just a few weeks since D-day and almost 2 weeks of NC from OW. It's still early in this process but that's where I am. I've never felt so low.

[Nattie]

I just stumbled across this forum. I don't see any threads started by the MM and my OW broke it off once my W found out (3+ weeks ago). Everywhere else I've looked there is very little sympathy for the MM. I understand why, but I know I'm in love with OW.

 

I'm experiencing NC from her (10 days) and it's the worst. I am completely devastated by OW and want her, but I feel alone and alienated by my family and peers. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here, other than the MM can be heart broken as well. People should realize it's not as simple as sex and having your cake and eating it too. I miss her so much, but now that my M break is becoming a reality, I was left by the person who promised she'd be there through it with me.

 

Most people here will just tell you to divorce your W and be with OW. I'm the OW, and also married, and I don't want a divorce. He claims he's out of there the minute his son graduates, but I don't want him to get divorced for me. I wouldn't leave my family for him, I would never ask him to in return. MM have feelings too... in a perfect world we'd all be completely 100% in love with one person, and one person only, that love would never fade or experience betrayal. This is not a perfect world, and you sound like a good guy.

[Owl]

BS=betrayed spouse...in this case, your wife.

 

I'm curious...was your OW married? If so, I can imagine that she may have backed out because she may not have truly been willing to end that relationship.

 

If not...I'm confused and don't 'get' why she would have freaked out and ended the relationship.

 

Here's my thought for you. You're at a crux. You need to make some painful decisions, and you don't have the luxury of thinking them through completely and fully over time.

 

Your wife wants to reconcile. Understandable...many BS's choose that.

 

The question remains...if you were so removed from your wife and your marriage to start filing for a D...then why would you not continue that process even without OW there as support?

 

Either you want to be with your wife, or you do not.

 

Regardless of the OW's support.

 

So...you need to take a SHORT period of time here to seriously consider whether or not your marriage is repairable. I don't have any clue on that...I'm a formerly BH (betrayed husband)...my wife and I WERE able to very successfully reconcile our marriage. But not every situation is the same.

 

You need to stop and review your situation, and make a choice...very quickly...as to whether or not you want to try to reconcile the marriage, or end it.

 

Focus on that. OW's presence or lack thereof shouldn't be a factor.

 

Work on your near term future with that in mind...see what leads from there.

[ThatJustHappened]

To everyone - thanks for the welcome. I think I'll at least be lurking for awhile, since I'm in the middle of this. I didn't realize this would elicit so many responses so quickly.

 

To DO and Owl,

 

I'm still not quite hip to all of the shorthand here (what's BS?), but I'll give it a try to give you the back story...

 

I am in love with the OW. She said she loved me and although very skeptical of our chance for success (obviously there was nobody in our corner and hardly anyone we could talk to about it), she said she wanted to be with me. We talked about me splitting up w the W and I never intended to lead OW along. I really felt like it was unfair to OW, myself and W to go on like this. I've never been the ""MM" in an "A" before and was never someone who endorsed this kind of behavior, although here I was in the middle of it.

 

I had my first appointment w/ an attny to start drawing out a road map to D all set. It fell through and I re-scheduled w/ someone else. We were both frustrated abt the short delay, but I set another appt 2 weeks later. Things were fine and moved as they normally did between us. The day before my appt - W found out enough through looking through my phone that we were discovered. I told her I wanted a divorce and I was seeing an attny the next day.

 

I did see the attny. OW became very affraid and concerened. W put it on Facebook blast that I was having the A. OW received friend requests (ignored) from my W as well as a text from her to leave me alone. I think reality set for the OW that this was happening, but I was prepared by the attny as well as financially to make the move.

 

I suppose things got too heavy for OW and she thought it best we go our separate ways. Of course I feel very abondoned at this point and alone. Now I'm left to pick up the pieces of the mess I know I created. W is desparetly trying to work things out and the only reason I'm still here is b/c I feel confused bc the person I love left me at the lowest point of my life before encouraging me to do it.

 

I'm sure many of you will think I had it coming. I realize it's weak, but it's been just a few weeks since D-day and almost 2 weeks of NC from OW. It's still early in this process but that's where I am. I've never felt so low.

 

Can't blame the OW for leaving you. You did nothing about your situation until your wife found out. Of course she doesn't believe that you love her..you did nothing to show her that you did. You waited until you were forced into leaving your marriage rather than willingly leaving for her.

[Praying4Peace]

I just stumbled across this forum. I don't see any threads started by the MM and my OW broke it off once my W found out (3+ weeks ago). Everywhere else I've looked there is very little sympathy for the MM. I understand why, but I know I'm in love with OW.

 

I'm experiencing NC from her (10 days) and it's the worst. I am completely devastated by OW and want her, but I feel alone and alienated by my family and peers. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here, other than the MM can be heart broken as well. People should realize it's not as simple as sex and having your cake and eating it too. I miss her so much, but now that my M break is becoming a reality, I was left by the person who promised she'd be there through it with me.

 

Hello, welcome. There are other MM's on here as well. I feel sympathy for the MM's who really had feelings, not just serial cheats/philanderers.

 

What do you mean by "my M break is becoming a reality"? How long was your affair? I'm assuming she's not married, since you refer to her as OW not MOW. The reason your OW broke it off when your wife found out is because you asked her to, no? If not, it was because at some point it becomes really uncomfortable to be second best, and nothing drives that home like the W finding out after a Dday.

 

Hope you share more of your story. I am in NC months now and I still miss him though I can eat and get out of bed now.

[jaseva]

Can't blame the OW for leaving you. You did nothing about your situation until your wife found out. Of course she doesn't believe that you love her..you did nothing to show her that you did. You waited until you were forced into leaving your marriage rather than willingly leaving for her.

 

 

Not true, maybe I didn't post that clearly enough. The appt w attny was set weeks before W found out. The day before I was to see the attny, she found out in a case of very poor timing.

 

We didn't go along like this for years. I wasn't stringing OW along. She never gave me an ultimatum. I began planning for D on my own accord with or w/o OW.

[Praying4Peace]

Jaseva,

 

I think she probably got freaked out by the A BLAST saying you two had an affair and the texts from your wife saying to leave you alone. How would she know if things have changed between you and your wife if she gets messages like that.

 

It is good for her to step aside and let you handle things. Did she tell you she wasn't going to talk to you during this mess, or did she tell you that it was OVER for some reason?

 

I feel like you two have communication issues which is understandable after a Dday with all the emotions bouncing everywhere.

 

You should probably get in touch with her and let her know how you feel and that you expected her to be there for you through the divorce. Though I would recommend you don't ask her to do that.

 

Take care and don't feel bad, you can go through a D yourself too- I did.

[Wellington]

Goodness. My stomache was in knots reading about your story. Wow, wow, wow.

 

If I were your OW, I would be thinking this.....

 

I am scared *#itless right now. As much as I want this to happen and love you, Im still scared and need a little time to process and smooth things in my camp. I would hope that you would continue through with your D but it's something you NEED to do without me. As much as we need each other right now, having some separation to do what we need to do is best. Having contact, even though I miss you horribly, would only add fuel to the fire and this particular situation needs to be handled VERY gently for all involved. There has been enough hurt.

 

By all accounts, she sounds like she really does love you. Just give her time. I left my H and my MM was planning to separate from his W. 2mos later and he unfortunately is still with her, but I realized I wasn't happy with my H (with or without MM) anyway. I am breathing again and will be happy with or without MM. I came out the other side just fine and you will too.

 

This too shall pass.

[jaseva]

OW is single. Whole affair lasted 5 months. Marriage has been unhappy for years. Contemplated D for a few years. OW was the nudge that gave me the balls to do it.