So I'm the MM...

[Praying4Peace]

Just focus on getting your D final in the most civil and courteous way possible. Its better not to have OW around. Your W and family won't appreciate it.

 

Then, you've moved out focus on getting back with OW. But don't leave her hanging. Even if she's not talking to you right now, let her know what your plans are.

 

Either way, NC stinks and I know you must feel terrible and alone right now. So does your W. In a normal D, both spouses are on their own.

[veryhappy]

I didn't realize this would elicit so many responses so quickly.

 

What can we say? We tend to have a soft spot for MM around here...They're also rare appearances and get a lot of attention when they show up. You know, like in real life...

 

I was waiting for you to give more information before commenting.

 

Your OW didn't abandon you. We can assure you she's going through hell. She's probably a normal person who feels the weight of splitting up a marriage, plus I'm sure your W's reaction scared her about where the blow up could lead. She probably also knows that the odds are against her. What happens in most cases like these is not the APs ending up together. You'll have a lot of pressure from your W, family and friends and the entire world to do the right thing. You might hesitate in a few weeks and feel the need to try again with your wife. Your OW had no other choice but to get out of your way.

 

Now...if you truly feel this was an exit A and want a chance with your OW, and do not blame her or will blame her for the downfall of your M, do act. This means move out, file for divorce, and do not go back and forth to your wife. The more you stay home, the more you go back home, we can assure you there will be no divorce. If sex has been a problem, and your W starts offering that you''ll be doomed by the oxytocin anyway combined with your sense of guilt and responsibility.

 

Decide what you want to do. If you want the OW, going home to your wife will not get that. If you want the M or have doubts, leave the OW alone to grieve her pain.

[jaseva]

I just wanted to say thank you very much to some of you for hearing me out. To the others, I'm not looking for pitty or sympathy from any annonymous internet posters. I don't think I'm the victim. I think there are three victims in my story. We all hurt from this (I assume OW does as well, but I haven't talked to her so I don't know).

 

I thought I would post to get my story out there and provide a different perspective. I see support for the women in these situations (both W and OW). I think people believe men are expected to compartmentalize their feelings or I shouldn't have any (hopefully I just haven't been around the boards long enough). I was simply looking to see what people thought and I got what I asked for.

 

How ironic that even in a forum where people are going through similar situations and are being judged in their own personal lives, some are throwing stones and casting me as someone who wants his cake and is trying to eat it too. I deserve my comeuppance right? I'm the only one who did wrong right? Not my neglectful W or my willing participant in the OW. I think we all share some blame here. I will acknowledge that I deserve the most and am by no means trying to shirk that. Thanks for reading my story and the insightful comments from some of the others. I think this can help me sort through a very messy time in my life. Overall I'm glad I found this community.

 

I think Owl is right - I need to make a tough decsion quickly, but my judgment is cloudy and sad to say the least. I'm not sure at the moment.

[jaseva]

How does one initiate the NC and stick to their guns? We communicated intimately for months on a daily basis. Most of you have been through this and have been the ones that ignored. Is it hard for you to ignore?

[Praying4Peace]

I just wanted to say thank you very much to some of you for hearing me out. To the others, I'm not looking for pitty or sympathy from any annonymous internet posters. I don't think I'm the victim. I think there are three victims in my story. We all hurt from this (I assume OW does as well, but I haven't talked to her so I don't know).

 

I thought I would post to get my story out there and provide a different perspective. I see support for the women in these situations (both W and OW). I think people believe men are expected to compartmentalize their feelings or I shouldn't have any (hopefully I just haven't been around the boards long enough). I was simply looking to see what people thought and I got what I asked for.

 

I deserve my comeuppance right? I'm the only one who did wrong right? Not my neglectful W or my willing participant in the OW. I think we all share some blame here. I will acknowledge that I deserve the most and am by no means trying to shirk that. Thanks for reading my story and the insightful comments from some of the others. I think this can help me sort through a very messy time in my life. Overall I'm glad I found this community.

 

I think Owl is right - I need to make a tough decsion quickly, but my judgment is cloudy and sad to say the least. I'm not sure at the moment.

 

Just so you know, there are posters on here that have not been in your situation (that is, haven't had an affair), rather they are BS's (Betrayed Spouses). Just like a person in an affair doesn't like to hear they were used or forgotten, a betrayed spouse can trigger off of reading something like what you've written. Also- there are betrayed spouses on here who see things neutrally and give wonderful advice. Just wanted to make sure you know that this is an open forum and anyone can reply.

 

Why haven't you broken NC if you want to talk to her?

[secretlady76]

How does one initiate the NC and stick to their guns? We communicated intimately for months on a daily basis. Most of you have been through this and have been the ones that ignored. Is it hard for you to ignore?

 

Yes, it is hell to ignore each other after time being so close to one another.

 

Your OW is judging your feelings for her through your ACTIONS, not your WORDS. So far you haven't provided her with any evidence to suggest that it is her that you want.

 

Putting that to one side, in all honesty, there is no way you can dissolve a marriage with OW in the background. You need to leave the marriage because it is not working, not because you have an OW. It seems to me that you're not prepared to leave the marriage until you know for sure that OW will be there for you at the other end. That is not right for her or for you or for your wife.

 

You need to put OW to one side and decide what YOU ARE GOING TO DO.

[veryhappy]

How does one initiate the NC and stick to their guns? We communicated intimately for months on a daily basis. Most of you have been through this and have been the ones that ignored. Is it hard for you to ignore?

 

Been there, done that. I initiated and stuck to NC because I knew it was the best for me in the end, and continuing would only bring more and more pain. It felt like death, and I was a complete mess for the first month. Crying spells, intense feelings.

 

It's not easy for her. Don't make it about you. Respect her pain, and leave her alone if you can't offer anything. Don't make it about her soothing your hurt feelings. She has herself to protect too. You still haven't filed, have you? What is she supposed to think?

 

Make up your mind. If you do decide to work on the M, do send her some kind message so she can truly move on and doesn't hang on to silly hope.

[sweet_pea]

I think it's important to know: are you getting a divorce for sure?

[Goodbye]

To everyone - thanks for the welcome. I think I'll at least be lurking for awhile, since I'm in the middle of this. I didn't realize this would elicit so many responses so quickly.

 

To DO and Owl,

 

I'm still not quite hip to all of the shorthand here (what's BS?), but I'll give it a try to give you the back story...

 

I am in love with the OW. She said she loved me and although very skeptical of our chance for success (obviously there was nobody in our corner and hardly anyone we could talk to about it), she said she wanted to be with me. We talked about me splitting up w the W and I never intended to lead OW along. I really felt like it was unfair to OW, myself and W to go on like this. I've never been the ""MM" in an "A" before and was never someone who endorsed this kind of behavior, although here I was in the middle of it.

 

I had my first appointment w/ an attny to start drawing out a road map to D all set. It fell through and I re-scheduled w/ someone else. We were both frustrated abt the short delay, but I set another appt 2 weeks later. Things were fine and moved as they normally did between us. The day before my appt - W found out enough through looking through my phone that we were discovered. I told her I wanted a divorce and I was seeing an attny the next day.

 

I did see the attny. OW became very affraid and concerened. W put it on Facebook blast that I was having the A. OW received friend requests (ignored) from my W as well as a text from her to leave me alone. I think reality set for the OW that this was happening, but I was prepared by the attny as well as financially to make the move.

 

I suppose things got too heavy for OW and she thought it best we go our separate ways. Of course I feel very abondoned at this point and alone. Now I'm left to pick up the pieces of the mess I know I created. W is desparetly trying to work things out and the only reason I'm still here is b/c I feel confused bc the person I love left me at the lowest point of my life before encouraging me to do it.

 

I'm sure many of you will think I had it coming. I realize it's weak, but it's been just a few weeks since D-day and almost 2 weeks of NC from OW. It's still early in this process but that's where I am. I've never felt so low.

 

 

So now are you holding off on filing for divorce in case the OW is serious about it being over? So now you make your wife the consolation prize? You said you wanted a divorce. Do you?

[DelusionalOne]

Just so you know, there are posters on here that have not been in your situation (that is, haven't had an affair), rather they are BS's (Betrayed Spouses). Just like a person in an affair doesn't like to hear they were used or forgotten, a betrayed spouse can trigger off of reading something like what you've written. Also- there are betrayed spouses on here who see things neutrally and give wonderful advice. Just wanted to make sure you know that this is an open forum and anyone can reply.

 

That was far more diplomatic than I was going to be. Well said. (and I'm being sincere).

 

Jaseva.....NC is hellish. It is extremely difficult to ignore someone you loved and communicated with everyday. BUT, if you don't know what you want, then it is the kindest thing you can do for her. Let her heal. You figure out what you are going to do. This is a very difficult situation for all involved.

[Wellington]

OW is single. Whole affair lasted 5 months. Marriage has been unhappy for years. Contemplated D for a few years. OW was the nudge that gave me the balls to do it.

 

Then do it!! Get your stuff sorted out, take the time you need, finalize things and let OW know how you feel. Give her a realistic timeline and tell her you will be back for her.

 

Everyone is hurting right now. Everything is fresh. One year, two years down the road everything will seem like a distant memory.

 

Im pulling for you!!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

How does one initiate the NC and stick to their guns? We communicated intimately for months on a daily basis. Most of you have been through this and have been the ones that ignored. Is it hard for you to ignore?

 

This is the hardest part for sure. Many of us, as you can tell, have been there.

 

I am curious though - is this all-out fb exposure being prompted by something? This is a tactic used by another site and they are all about full out exposure. Their method is to kill the affair. I'm not saying its wrong or right, but I am curious because this smells of that. As one who went through a very public exposure I can tell you, for me it was the most horrific thing i had ever been through and it was not helpful in recovery at all. In fact it most certainly delayed it for me.

 

If you are going to go through with this divorce, then do it. If you truly love your ow and that is where you want to be then you have to prove it. It honestly isn't fair to your wife either if you are straddling the fence on this - you need to be all in one way or the other.

 

But the rub in this is that you also need to be prepared for the possibility that ow will not be there when this is all finished. It is a risk. But in the end, the marriage is between you and your wife and your obligation is to deal with that first.

 

And I speak from being a FOW and my xom threw me under the bus.

[xorro]

You need to get a divorce.

Once you have, contact the OW and let her know how you feel. Maybe she'll take you back, maybe not.

You need to let your wife go regardless of whether you get the OW. Having expressed your love for the OW, you forfeit your right to your marriage, even if your wife forgives you. If she still wants to stay married, you need to let her know you are in love with someone else, and let her decide from there.

Yes, women don't tend to be very sympathetic toward the MM since so often he does all he can to conceal his affair, and convinces his wife he is faithful. Thus she stays faithful, and feels more betrayed when the cheating is revealed. You don't have a right to expect monogamy if you're not willing to give it. Some wives would choose to have someone else on the side if they knew their husband did. Monogamy is not easy, so it's particularly galling to find that you've been in a one-sided 'committed' relationship.

[spice4life]

Wow, this story is heart wrenching. Your OW may have taken the d-day and lack of filing for divorce as a sign that you were floundering about leaving your wife. I'm sorry if I missed it, but did follow through and go to the Attorney the day after d_day? If you canceled then she might have gotten scared and thought the writing was on the wall that you were going to stay with your wife.

 

I know it's a confusing time for you right now and I would feel abandoned too in this situation. If you are serious about your OW then drastic times call for drastic measures; track her down and talk to her. No matter how confusing things are for you right now, you need to be 100% clear with her about your intentions and follow them up with real actions.

 

Another poster named "Got it" left her MM too when she saw him waffling about leaving right after a D-day. He tracked her down and proved he was serious and they are married now. So it can work out, but you need to show you mean business no matter how tough it is right now. If you just sit there acting confused then your sending mixed signals about your true intentions. If I were her I would gotten scared too and would have protected myself from more hurt and left. Establish cyrstal clear communicaton so there is no room for confusion if you are really serious.

 

On the flip side, if you are waffiling about your decision to divorce then don't contact her. That will only hurt. Wait until you have made up your mind about what you're going to do then reach out.

 

I could be wrong. It just seems that there has been some sort of miscommunication or misunderstanding about intentions. Another thought comes to mind. Maybe the cancellation of the appointment with the lawyer and then the subsequent d-day THE DAY before the next one made her feel you were just stringing her along and playing games.

Edited May 23, 2013 by spice4life

[Goodbye]

I had a reaction to that as well. The lawyer appt. getting cancelled and all that. If she has trust issues, she is going to really question your commitment. My exMM would say that he was going to go see a counselor to help him figure out how to exit his marriage and he'd claim to have appts. that would always get delayed or cancelled. Oh and WHY does it take WEEKS to get an appt. with a lawyer? Seriously? I had two different, highly regarded divorce lawyers, and both saw me within days of my first call. They want the business, lol.

[georgia girl]

Perhaps I have a bit of a different take...

 

You note that you were only dating for five months. While I realize this was probably an exit affair and you were desperately lonely prior to meeting this woman, she may have not yet been in that same place to be so serious.

 

If I'm correct, I would advise you to take care of your business. You were ready to be out of your marriage and it's probably best to end it. While it will be lonely and sad, you will get through this tough time in your life. Not because you want to, but because you have to.

 

Once you're free and your emotions have settled a bit, perhaps you can approach her again and try simply dating. Not an affair and its intensity; but dating. Fun, carefree, getting-to-know-you dating. To do that, you have to go into this opportunity not as if this woman must be your future, but that she could be and as much as she's testing you; you are testing her. Don't commit before you date her or you will scare her away.

 

Slow down. One step at a time and you will get there.

 

Good luck.

[Saba]

There are some aspects of this story that sound dodgy to me. You had an appointment with a lawyer without telling your wife that you want a divorce. That appointment got cancelled. You still didn't tell your wife you wanted a divorce. You had a d day and still didn't leave the marriage.

 

Your OW is right to cut you off. Step up to the plate.

[whichwayisup]

I just stumbled across this forum. I don't see any threads started by the MM and my OW broke it off once my W found out (3+ weeks ago). Everywhere else I've looked there is very little sympathy for the MM. I understand why, but I know I'm in love with OW.

 

I'm experiencing NC from her (10 days) and it's the worst. I am completely devastated by OW and want her, but I feel alone and alienated by my family and peers. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here, other than the MM can be heart broken as well. People should realize it's not as simple as sex and having your cake and eating it too. I miss her so much, but now that my M break is becoming a reality, I was left by the person who promised she'd be there through it with me.

 

See it from your (ex) OW's point of view. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. She loves you, puts you first. You are her 'everything'. She waits for you to call her, may even cancel plans to come see you when you call her and have time to be with her.

Then she deals with you going home to your wife and children. She gets to be alone all night, meanwhile you're in bed with your wife. You go on family outings, celebrate bday's, holidays, go on vacations with your wife and kids. Your OW loves you, quietly hurting and will sacrifice her own happiness and mental health day in and day out, settle for less JUST so she can have you in her life, on your terms/time frame.

 

My guess is, she got sick and tired of waiting. Sick and tired of hoping "one day he will be mine." Sick and tired of hurting. Sick and tired of feeling second fiddle to your wife and family.

 

Yes, you love her. But, not enough to end your marriage, divorce, lose a lot that you have now in your life, to start over with her. She knows this and it probably killed her inside to end things with you, but for once, respect that SHE put herself first. Good for her!!

 

If you love her, let her go and let her grieve. Leave her alone.

 

You cannot have it both ways, it just isn't fair to her and also to your wife and family unit. Living a lie is also killing who YOU are. I'm sure when you said your vows the last thing on your mind was having an A one day and falling for another woman.

 

Do counseling. Figure it out. ONLY contact your (ex) OW once you've been divorced for a while and make sure you are okay being alone in the future. Meaning, dont' just divorce and hope that she will pick up where you two left off - DIVORCE because you cannot stand to be married to your wife anymore and you'd rather be alone, reguardless of if your (ex)OW is waiting for you or not.

[whichwayisup]

How ironic that even in a forum where people are going through similar situations and are being judged in their own personal lives, some are throwing stones and casting me as someone who wants his cake and is trying to eat it too. I deserve my comeuppance right? I'm the only one who did wrong right? Not my neglectful W or my willing participant in the OW. I think we all share some blame here. I will acknowledge that I deserve the most and am by no means trying to shirk that. Thanks for reading my story and the insightful comments from some of the others. I think this can help me sort through a very messy time in my life. Overall I'm glad I found this community.

My advice? Grow a tough skin around you and don't let what others say get to you. Some on here do care, even if their advice is harsh. Respectfully said, but will still be harsh (trust me, I WILL be harsh with you at times, but only because you'll need a swift kick in the butt, a reality check, but I say it with genuine care). Others will take shots at you and try to make you feel bad/guilty. Ignore it and dont' react to it. if you react, they react and it just gets worse and you'll be pissed off.

[latergater]

Welcome, and thanks for posting - it is nice to see men here, too. I was the OW. My MM abruptly ended it with me several months back when his wife found out.

 

I am going through what you are, only in reverse. He never promised to leave his wife. But we did have an amazing friendship and always talked about how would could never envision they day when one of us would not be in the others life in some way; even in the realm of friendship and support.

 

I have not heard a peep from him, nor have I contacted him. I just hang on to some small sliver of hope that he really did love me. That he felt about me as you do your OW.

 

This NC stuff gets easier as time goes on. I promise.

 

Keep writing here. I love seeing perspective from the mans' point of view

 

. And please, don't take this wrong, but it is reassuring to know that men are human and feel things too.

 

Lifelesson - My story is exactly like yours. How long has it been since your MM's W found out about you? You sound so "healthy." I'm jealous -- what's your magic potion?

[ComingInHot]

OP wrote, " I suppose things got too heavy for OW and she thought it best we go our separate ways. Of course I feel very abondoned at this point and alone. Now I'm left to pick up the pieces of the mess I know I created. W is desparetly trying to work things out and the only reason I'm still here is b/c I feel confused bc the person I love left me at the lowest point of my life before encouraging me to do it."

 

It's hard to do the right thing when the "soft landing" isn't there, but You should Still do the Right thing at this point and D your Wife.

At least Respect her enough to let her go.

[stillafool]

How does one initiate the NC and stick to their guns? We communicated intimately for months on a daily basis. Most of you have been through this and have been the ones that ignored. Is it hard for you to ignore?

 

I think your OW was right to step away from this situation until you straighten it out. You are still miserable with your wife so why don't you go ahead with the divorce. Once you are divorced and moved out your OW will come around because she loves you. If you stay with your wife you will never have the life you want with the OW. Why stay? Show the other woman you are strong and leave and file for divorce. Your wife doesn't know it now but you would be doing her a great favor by leaving. She deserves a man who loves her the way you love the OW.

[NPP10]

I think your OW was right to step away from this situation until you straighten it out. You are still miserable with your wife so why don't you go ahead with the divorce. Once you are divorced and moved out your OW will come around because she loves you. If you stay with your wife you will never have the life you want with the OW. Why stay? Show the other woman you are strong and leave and file for divorce. Your wife doesn't know it now but you would be doing her a great favor by leaving. She deserves a man who loves her the way you love the OW.

 

However, don't be surprised if your OW doesn't wait around for you either. As I told my xMM--I will always care and love you, but I'm not waiting around for you either.

[Praying4Peace]

I'm about to make a massive generalization, feel free to tear me a new one.

 

What the hell is wrong with men these days? Or maybe just men who have A's? They cannot do anything without a guarantee/riskfree/softlanding/assurance? I have read a lot of posts on here (including much older ones) and it seems like a MM cant get a divorce without knowing FOR SURE that OW/MOW is waiting for him with open arms. I feel like most would like their OW to literally be holding their hands while they sign the divorce papers with their wives present. It's so lame. And even after Ddays- can't just take some time to regroup and figure things out. Oh no. Has to be sitting in one woman's lap while sticking his tongue out at the other woman ("Did I do a good job mama? Protect me! Love me! and then jumps to the OW with the same crap).

 

Maybe I've watched too many sappy movies, but the very ACTION of leaving without that 'guarantee' is what makes a woman fall in love with you. But some MM's want it in reverse. I'll leave if you're waiting. Are you waiting? Oh, okay...then I'll take my time because I'm a conflict avoider. Are you not waiting? Okay then I'm pissed I'm going to go to my sure-thing W.

 

I know this may sound harsh but there are so many broken hearted MOW's on here who have divorced AFTER an A, while in NC and therefore have no one to come home to for any comfort. And they live.

 

On the other hand there are so many broken hearted BW's who after years of trying to reconcile, decide they've had enough. Oftentimes they haven't worked, have to pick up 2-3 crying kids in tow and restart their lives with no one waiting in the wings. Just because their jerky cheating spouses can't play nice and reconcile properly and neither can they ask for a divorce bc that would be so 'scaaaaaaary'. I call that a parasite.

 

What the HELL is wrong with men? Maybe they don't watch enough chick-flicks. LOL. Sorry I'm in a bad mood today.

[jaseva]

There's an easy answer, granted it's a generalization. I'm beginning to see it myself over the past several weeks... women are stronger creatures than men.