So I'm the MM...

[RickFox]

There's an easy answer, granted it's a generalization. I'm beginning to see it myself over the past several weeks... women are stronger creatures than men.

 

 

Emotionally, yes they are...so much stronger.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Interesting observations - I believe this as well.

[Quiet Storm]

Emotionally, yes they are...so much stronger.

 

I believe our strength and tolerance help us to be better mothers. Kids can be annoying, time consuming, heart breaking, heart stopping, messy, energetic. They scare you when they fall. Test your patience. I could go on. But they bring us love and joy. Maybe we are designed to be caring, accepting, strong, tolerant and to just keep on loving. Maybe that trait carries over to other relationships and causes us to be too forgiving or too accepting sometimes.

[RickFox]

I believe our strength and tolerance help us to be better mothers. Kids can be annoying, time consuming, heart breaking, heart stopping, messy, energetic. They scare you when they fall. Test your patience. I could go on. But they bring us love and joy. Maybe we are designed to be caring, accepting, strong, tolerant and to just keep on loving. Maybe that trait carries over to other relationships and causes us to be too forgiving or too accepting sometimes.

 

I agree but I'd strongly agree with Frozensprouts as well. So much better at hiding your emotions, coming across as cold and uncaring when in fact you are screaming inside.... Women do have a better understanding of getting control of their emotions IMO and hiding what they truly feel.

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't know...I think it just depends on the person...Someone I know was telling me about an affair he had last year when we were having a beer one night over the holidays..He lied to her outright about his marital status.. It lasted a year, and he dumped her right before the Holidays because she wanted to see and be with him and he obviously couldnt..He made a joke about it. Even showed me a text that she sent him where this poor woman was dying and pouring her heart out..He was joking around about it and was basically "eff her"....

 

I felt so horrible for that poor woman. Especially due to the fact that I was an absolute wreck over my deal..I could NEVER do something like that ...Not in a million years. I even called him out on it..What a jackass.

 

Just shows you how some people can handle some things and show absolutely no emotion and others cant..True for men or women..

 

TFY

Edited May 24, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Goodbye]

I don't know...I think it just depends on the person...Someone I know was telling me about an affair he had last year when we were having a beer one night over the holidays..He lied to her outright about his marital status.. It lasted a year, and he dumped her right before the Holidays because she wanted to see and be with him and he obviously couldnt..He made a joke about it. Even showed me a text that she sent him where this poor woman was dying and pouring her heart out..He was joking around about it and was basically "eff her"....

 

I felt so horrible for that poor woman. Especially due to the fact that I was an absolute wreck over my deal..I could NEVER do something like that ...Not in a million years. I even called him out on it..What a jackass.

 

Just shows you how some people can handle some things and show absolutely no emotion and others cant..True for men or women..

 

TFY

 

 

This is very sad.

[thefooloftheyear]

This is very sad.

 

 

YES it is...I couldn't believe it, frankly...Ill bet some women do the same thing I am sure..Some people are just heartless ashholes.

 

TFY

[RickFox]

Damn that's cold. That's how I see my xmw and her reaction toward me

[DelusionalOne]

So much better at hiding your emotions, coming across as cold and uncaring when in fact you are screaming inside....

 

Wait... do you know me?

 

Damn that's cold. That's how I see my xmw and her reaction toward me

 

You never know and may never know what is going on on the inside. Seriously. Just a week or so ago my xMM told people that I "hate" him. Now anyone out here who's read my posts knows that nothing could be further from the truth.

 

BUT... I have to protect myself. And I refuse to be a doormat to his breadcrumbs of let's sweep it all under the rug, be buddies now and sing kumbaya around the water cooler. Like it all meant nothing. And if it meant nothing to him and he can move on and forget... well God bless him. BUT I still demand the respect that I deal with it whatever way and for ever how long that I want...as long as I'm not bothering him.

 

I don't really know your backstory so I can't say for sure, but you don't know what is going on in your xMW's mind or her heart. But this is how she wants/needs to deal with it.

[2sunny]

There's an easy answer, granted it's a generalization. I'm beginning to see it myself over the past several weeks... women are stronger creatures than men.

 

All this great advice and this is how you respond? That's no acknowledgement of changing what YOU CAN change.

 

Now I get the feeling you just want a pity party. Playing the victim in your little play...

 

Decide what YOU are going to DO and stick with it! Map it out. Take steps to make it happen!

[Praying4Peace]

Jaseva,

Don't lose steam now! If you know what you want, go get it. If you don't....ask us! LOL. Or go see a therapist to help you sort things out. Hope you're doing okay today.

[Washingmachine1980]

The OW probably took off because this was posted all over Facebook. She is now embarrassed, humiliated and trying to distance herself from this as fast as possible. She probably thinks your wife is crazy and not too sure of what she could do next. Who knows what kind of emails she received from family and friends on her FB account. That was an awful thing for your wife to do. She definitely wanted to humiliate and embarrass you too. Are you sure you want to stay with someone like that?

[spice4life]

I don't know...I think it just depends on the person...Someone I know was telling me about an affair he had last year when we were having a beer one night over the holidays..He lied to her outright about his marital status.. It lasted a year, and he dumped her right before the Holidays because she wanted to see and be with him and he obviously couldnt..He made a joke about it. Even showed me a text that she sent him where this poor woman was dying and pouring her heart out..He was joking around about it and was basically "eff her"....

 

I felt so horrible for that poor woman. Especially due to the fact that I was an absolute wreck over my deal..I could NEVER do something like that ...Not in a million years. I even called him out on it..What a jackass.

 

Just shows you how some people can handle some things and show absolutely no emotion and others cant..True for men or women..

 

TFY

 

Wow, that guy sounds like total a**wipe! That's just cruel! I hope karma comes around and bites him the b*lls one day...he deserves it.

[thefooloftheyear]

Wow, that guy sounds like total a**wipe! That's just cruel! I hope karma comes around and bites him the b*lls one day...he deserves it.

 

Yeah...

 

But you know what the sad part is?? People with caring hearts(like many who found their way onto a site like this) are the ones who are the tortured souls...People like this guy(and dont think for one minute that there arent women out there who are just as cruel), dont sweat any of this..They dont lose one ounce of sleep over screwing someone over..They dont give a crap about Karma(or payback-whatever), because frankly it doesnt bother them..

 

Ive always had a saying in my life...

 

"An enjoyable life seems only to be reserved for fools and scumbags"...

 

I hope I am wrong, but the longer i live the more cynical I have become, unfortunately..

 

TFY

[zevahc]

I don't know...I think it just depends on the person...Someone I know was telling me about an affair he had last year when we were having a beer one night over the holidays..He lied to her outright about his marital status.. It lasted a year, and he dumped her right before the Holidays because she wanted to see and be with him and he obviously couldnt..He made a joke about it. Even showed me a text that she sent him where this poor woman was dying and pouring her heart out..He was joking around about it and was basically "eff her"....

 

I felt so horrible for that poor woman. Especially due to the fact that I was an absolute wreck over my deal..I could NEVER do something like that ...Not in a million years. I even called him out on it..What a jackass.

 

Just shows you how some people can handle some things and show absolutely no emotion and others cant..True for men or women..

 

TFY

 

I just don't get it. People like this don't deserve anyone in my opinion. Or they deserve others like themselves. Horrible.

[Sarabi]

I just don't get it. People like this don't deserve anyone in my opinion. Or they deserve others like themselves. Horrible.

Yeah...but then they appear to be the ones most likely to get someone to love.

Whilst those who sit and wait patiently, with so much to offer someone and who would really love to love and be loved in return...seem to get left behind

[spice4life]

Yeah...

 

But you know what the sad part is?? People with caring hearts(like many who found their way onto a site like this) are the ones who are the tortured souls...People like this guy(and dont think for one minute that there arent women out there who are just as cruel), dont sweat any of this..They dont lose one ounce of sleep over screwing someone over..They dont give a crap about Karma(or payback-whatever), because frankly it doesnt bother them..

 

Ive always had a saying in my life...

 

"An enjoyable life seems only to be reserved for fools and scumbags"...

 

I hope I am wrong, but the longer i live the more cynical I have become, unfortunately..

 

TFY

 

Don't worry; karma has a mysterious way of working. It may not bite them while they are living this care free life of purposely injuring others, but it will happen one day. It might be when they are breathing their last breath, but it will be profound and undeniable. Trust me on that one.

 

TFY, when you begin to stop focusing on the behavior of the scumbags your outlook will begin to change. It's their journey and be happy it's not your's because you're better than that. There is a lesson in it somewhere for them and it will be revealed to them one day.

 

Chin up Cherrio!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

So where are you with all of this?

[aliveagain]

Like they say, affairs are like mushrooms, they thrive in the dark. Best way to end the fantasy is to bring it to light, that's what BS's are usually told. The truth is most WMM don't want to leave their wives, when they start an affair they don't expect to be caught, leaving their wives will cost them too much plain and simple. They want the benefit without the consequence.

[MissBee]

Perhaps I have a bit of a different take...

You note that you were only dating for five months. While I realize this was probably an exit affair and you were desperately lonely prior to meeting this woman, she may have not yet been in that same place to be so serious.

If I'm correct, I would advise you to take care of your business. You were ready to be out of your marriage and it's probably best to end it. While it will be lonely and sad, you will get through this tough time in your life. Not because you want to, but because you have to.

 

Once you're free and your emotions have settled a bit, perhaps you can approach her again and try simply dating. Not an affair and its intensity; but dating. Fun, carefree, getting-to-know-you dating. To do that, you have to go into this opportunity not as if this woman must be your future, but that she could be and as much as she's testing you; you are testing her. Don't commit before you date her or you will scare her away.

 

Slow down. One step at a time and you will get there.

 

Good luck.

 

Terrific post! I was thinking this as I read through the thread.

 

I think there is so much pressure in As, where the MP is making it a case of leaving "for" their AP. It's a pressure that isn't there in normal relationships and it's a pressure that is unfair and can be detrimental. Many affair partners, because of the affair intensity, reach levels of "soulmateship" way before most other people do and hardly ever seem to take things slow and see it as dating and getting to know someone to really see if you have a future, but expect to jump from divorce right into a super committed relationship. I think you need to put the brakes on this jaseva and tie up your loose ends with your wife.

 

While you are inlove with your OW...let's also step aside and think about it as if you were single. You've known her for 5 months. It's not that long. I wouldn't recommend anyone making life altering plans "for" anyone they haven't known even for a year...add the affair dynamics and one's prior unhappiness...well it can be very difficult to know what's what.

 

If you want to divorce your wife....divorce your wife. It is unfair to her to be staying because the OW is in NC. Also, to your OW it will read as though you're full of shyt if you don't follow through. You are done with your marriage or you're not...OW should have no bearing on this. Even if OW had held your hand through it, you guys could break up a month later, or next year. If she broke up with you a month later, would you go back to your wife? Please think about that.

 

It's better for OW not to be in the picture as you sort out your life. I agree that you can keep her updated in terms of if you really plan on divorce and when you do sign on the dotted line. She can then choose to date you normally and you two can date and take things in stride and see where it goes. The affair pressure makes APs seem to feel like they HAVE to be together, when truth is, if she was a nudge to divorce, then that's great...you should still divorce, and also you may have to accept that things with you may not last forever either. But focus on your current life and deciding what to do with that and ONLY when you've sorted it, let the OW know, and don't try to sort it out ONLY with the idea that she will be with you.

[MissBee]

I'm about to make a massive generalization, feel free to tear me a new one.

What the hell is wrong with men these days? Or maybe just men who have A's? They cannot do anything without a guarantee/riskfree/softlanding/assurance? I have read a lot of posts on here (including much older ones) and it seems like a MM cant get a divorce without knowing FOR SURE that OW/MOW is waiting for him with open arms. I feel like most would like their OW to literally be holding their hands while they sign the divorce papers with their wives present. It's so lame. And even after Ddays- can't just take some time to regroup and figure things out. Oh no. Has to be sitting in one woman's lap while sticking his tongue out at the other woman ("Did I do a good job mama? Protect me! Love me! and then jumps to the OW with the same crap).

Maybe I've watched too many sappy movies, but the very ACTION of leaving without that 'guarantee' is what makes a woman fall in love with you. But some MM's want it in reverse. I'll leave if you're waiting. Are you waiting? Oh, okay...then I'll take my time because I'm a conflict avoider. Are you not waiting? Okay then I'm pissed I'm going to go to my sure-thing W.

I know this may sound harsh but there are so many broken hearted MOW's on here who have divorced AFTER an A, while in NC and therefore have no one to come home to for any comfort. And they live.

On the other hand there are so many broken hearted BW's who after years of trying to reconcile, decide they've had enough. Oftentimes they haven't worked, have to pick up 2-3 crying kids in tow and restart their lives with no one waiting in the wings. Just because their jerky cheating spouses can't play nice and reconcile properly and neither can they ask for a divorce bc that would be so 'scaaaaaaary'. I call that a parasite.

What the HELL is wrong with men? Maybe they don't watch enough chick-flicks. LOL. Sorry I'm in a bad mood today.

 

OMG

 

Couldn't have said it better.

 

I was like omg...here we go again...

 

Jaseva, understand, I'm not trying to be mean to you. But your stance, as Praying pointed out, seems like so many other MM's. They seem unable to make any moves unless they are assured a soft landing...that is what cake eating is ALL about! The need to have padded comfort on all sides...wife and OW and if at any point one of them seems unstable, you feel safe that you still have the other. It seems more MW are willing to step outside of this comfort and make a choice...while MM will dawdle for years and years and years.

 

I totally agree! I would so love and respect a MM more if when I stepped aside to deal with my own mental well being he still chose to divorce, even without me there in the wings. But it's just very lame and a turn off when the ONLY way someone can make hard choices is if they have a cheerleader on the side. It's just not appealing and makes your character seem questionable.

 

There have been 1 million and one threads with OW defending why the MM can't leave. Keep defending. But Jaseva's case is an example that for many, as in love as they may be, there still needs to be this secure feeling of a sure thing and soft-landing...dare a MM feel pain and abandoned for a moment. No, the BS can handle it and so can kids, but not MM...if OW isn't there to coddle him and assure him, then how dare you expect him to leave??? Living your life only doing what's easy and comfortable isn't the kind of person I personally want to date and maybe OW doesn't want that either.

[Almond_Joy]

I'm about to make a massive generalization, feel free to tear me a new one.

 

What the hell is wrong with men these days? Or maybe just men who have A's? They cannot do anything without a guarantee/riskfree/softlanding/assurance? I have read a lot of posts on here (including much older ones) and it seems like a MM cant get a divorce without knowing FOR SURE that OW/MOW is waiting for him with open arms. I feel like most would like their OW to literally be holding their hands while they sign the divorce papers with their wives present. It's so lame. And even after Ddays- can't just take some time to regroup and figure things out. Oh no. Has to be sitting in one woman's lap while sticking his tongue out at the other woman ("Did I do a good job mama? Protect me! Love me! and then jumps to the OW with the same crap).

 

Maybe I've watched too many sappy movies, but the very ACTION of leaving without that 'guarantee' is what makes a woman fall in love with you. But some MM's want it in reverse. I'll leave if you're waiting. Are you waiting? Oh, okay...then I'll take my time because I'm a conflict avoider. Are you not waiting? Okay then I'm pissed I'm going to go to my sure-thing W.

 

I know this may sound harsh but there are so many broken hearted MOW's on here who have divorced AFTER an A, while in NC and therefore have no one to come home to for any comfort. And they live.

 

On the other hand there are so many broken hearted BW's who after years of trying to reconcile, decide they've had enough. Oftentimes they haven't worked, have to pick up 2-3 crying kids in tow and restart their lives with no one waiting in the wings. Just because their jerky cheating spouses can't play nice and reconcile properly and neither can they ask for a divorce bc that would be so 'scaaaaaaary'. I call that a parasite.

 

What the HELL is wrong with men? Maybe they don't watch enough chick-flicks. LOL. Sorry I'm in a bad mood today.

 

 

Also agree, I see this pattern of behavior for what it is a lot more often now, even in small things.

 

I get why people want to avoid fallouts, being called onto the floor and/or stepping up to take accountability for what they do wrong. Shame and guilt and accepting responsibility is a sharply painful experience.

 

But the right thing to do is more and more just not easy. And in the end, doing the right thing leaves everyone involved in a hurtful act with more peace of mind.

 

 

I HATE unpleasantness, but avoidance always makes it worse. Just do the right thing as soon as you can, the pain and guilt can't pass until you do right....unless you're a sociopath, and then I imagine there's no hope for you anyway (not saying you directly OP, just people in general that operate this way).

Edited May 26, 2013 by Almond_Joy

[thefooloftheyear]

OMG

 

Couldn't have said it better.

 

I was like omg...here we go again...

 

Jaseva, understand, I'm not trying to be mean to you. But your stance, as Praying pointed out, seems like so many other MM's. They seem unable to make any moves unless they are assured a soft landing...that is what cake eating is ALL about! The need to have padded comfort on all sides...wife and OW and if at any point one of them seems unstable, you feel safe that you still have the other. It seems more MW are willing to step outside of this comfort and make a choice...while MM will dawdle for years and years and years.

 

I totally agree! I would so love and respect a MM more if when I stepped aside to deal with my own mental well being he still chose to divorce, even without me there in the wings. But it's just very lame and a turn off when the ONLY way someone can make hard choices is if they have a cheerleader on the side. It's just not appealing and makes your character seem questionable.

 

There have been 1 million and one threads with OW defending why the MM can't leave. Keep defending. But Jaseva's case is an example that for many, as in love as they may be, there still needs to be this secure feeling of a sure thing and soft-landing...dare a MM feel pain and abandoned for a moment. No, the BS can handle it and so can kids, but not MM...if OW isn't there to coddle him and assure him, then how dare you expect him to leave??? Living your life only doing what's easy and comfortable isn't the kind of person I personally want to date and maybe OW doesn't want that either.

 

I am not defending tho OP, or any particular MM in any scenario....

 

Even though there have been huge strides in workplace and salary equity, divorce laws heavily favor the woman....Dont take my opinion-just ask any divorce lawyer. It becomes a scary proposition...According to some lawyers(including my own-some of these laws were written a long time ago when a divorced woman was shyt out of luck and had no prospects-they are currently being revised but its still a long ways off)

 

Id rather not get into the discussion of this and derail the thread, but if I gave you two examples I know of you all would crap yourselves. You would wonder if they(men) had any representation at all....Its a financial death sentence for the man in many cases.. And there was no affair in either case. In one case SHE was leaving him and HE didnt want to end it, yet SHE wound up with everything and he will forever be resigned to living a meager existence while she will do great..

 

All I am saying is that these are some of the reasons that some MM want a "soft landing" ...They are already getting their heads bashed in..

 

I know you fine ladies are going to hammer me on this, but its the truth...ANd I am not saying it should be a reason NOT to leave if you are miserable, but it might just be a reason why some might want to cushion the blow.

 

TFY

Edited May 26, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[findingnemo]

TFY, your argument makes some sense. But it doesn't explain why in countries where men don't lose their shirts in a D, the behaviour is still the same. They almost always leave with a woman ready to take them in. Rarely have I heard of a D initiated by a man who doesn't have a OW here. So it must be a man thing...not a legal disparity issue, IMO.

[MissBee]

I am not defending tho OP, or any particular MM in any scenario....

 

Even though there have been huge strides in workplace and salary equity, divorce laws heavily favor the woman....Dont take my opinion-just ask any divorce lawyer. It becomes a scary proposition...According to some lawyers(including my own-some of these laws were written a long time ago when a divorced woman was shyt out of luck and had no prospects-they are currently being revised but its still a long ways off)

 

Id rather not get into the discussion of this and derail the thread, but if I gave you two examples I know of you all would crap yourselves. You would wonder if they(men) had any representation at all....Its a financial death sentence for the man in many cases.. And there was no affair in either case. In one case SHE was leaving him and HE didnt want to end it, yet SHE wound up with everything and he will forever be resigned to living a meager existence while she will do great..

 

All I am saying is that these are some of the reasons that some MM want a "soft landing" ...They are already getting their heads bashed in..

 

I know you fine ladies are going to hammer me on this, but its the truth...ANd I am not saying it should be a reason NOT to leave if you are miserable, but it might just be a reason why some might want to cushion the blow.

 

TFY

 

 

Jaseva doesn't seem to be worried about that. He was planning a divorce. But now that he isn't sure if OW will be around, all of a sudden, the divorce proceedings are halted.

 

That is the kind of soft landing I am speaking about. He clearly went to an attorney before and wasn't worried about "financial death sentences."

 

I am talking about emotional soft landings and not practicalities like finances.

 

It seems more MW are willing to be emotionally uncomfortable while many MM are not at all willing to possibly be alone or feel abandoned or uncomfortable in any way.