So I'm the MM...

[Praying4Peace]

People talking smack about each other to non relevant parties is frowned upon. All spouses would be relevant parties. Anything else is just gossip. The only reason my H would tell these people is to embarrass me. Lets forget culture and religion and focus on these widely accepted ideas:

 

The Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you)

 

The concept of turning the other cheek, which can be found in almost every major world religion.

 

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

 

My H had a right to tell whoever he chose. But married or divorced, we are bound for life through our kids so it's better to have a good relationship. Look to Lilmiss's case for the perfect example- her H did it to punish her, it didn't deepen any feelings for him on her end even though the pressure was on to reconcile...outside pressure not internal heart pressure. Then when her H had an A she didn't do the same thing and he probably loves her to death for it.

 

I don't blame my ExMM for not leaving his marriage. I have a lot of self confidence- too much to EVER ask someone to be with me out of anything other than love. People do not own other people.

 

I do fully understand needing support and also things done in the heat of the moment. I'm referring to calculated outings. I agree that affairs die in the light, but that light should be exposure to the betrayed spouse and possibility of divorce. If you need more exposure to convince someone to stay...you've got serious issues. The whole town does not need to sign the divorce petition, their vote doesn't count.

 

To the original topic: I can understand that a person would want to know the truth of their life. Of course! But just like OW/OM have personal non altruistic reasons for outing, I believe BS's like it when the AP tells bc "you made them look bad to your spouse"

 

As my MMs BW said to my H. There is no way those two are falling out of love unless we get them to hate each other. So they went all out- telling each of us lies about what we supposedly told them. Guess what? It didn't work. We still care immensely for each other.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You know it is ironic - one of the first things my husband said to me after my affair was exposed was "are you trying to kill my mother?" And of course she had to sit in church while my name was read along with the other man. Then when I discovered my husbands affair he of course was fearful if his mother found out it would kill her. He is all about not disappointing his parents - always has been. He has told both of our daughters about it but has yet to tell our son. My daughters look at me quite a bit differently because I chose to not tell them - they were around us more and knew something was wrong and would ask me and I said they needed to talk to their father. I keep telling him it would be smart for him to tell our son because I do believe this stuff eventually comes to light and it would be better for him to hear it from him. My husband will use the victim role and say "you have the right to tell whomever you want". Well, I suppose I do, but I'm not going to. I just won't do it. It's already hard enough - what we are dealing with. I won't add public humiliation to his plate.

 

Do I want to sometimes? Hell yes! There are days I am so angry because of the difference in the way both of our situations were handled and I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I know it would be out of anger and revenge - there would be no purpose behind it other than to inflict pain. If I say I love my husband, I can't do that to him - not anymore. I caused too much early on. And I believe he sees that.

 

He truly regrets how the church handled things and he knows he could have stopped it. He knows it impeded our recovery and it is still a big source of contention between us. I just mostly choose to ignore and not think about it. Not sure it's a good way to deal with it but that is what I do. It could be that that might be the one thing down the line that I truly can't get past. Who knows?

 

Let me tell you, no one in this town believes that wide spread nuclear exposure is the way to go - they have experienced it, watched it and think it was completely mishandled.

 

But whatever gets your desired end result I guess, have at it.

[findingnemo]

I just stumbled across this forum. I don't see any threads started by the MM and my OW broke it off once my W found out (3+ weeks ago). Everywhere else I've looked there is very little sympathy for the MM. I understand why, but I know I'm in love with OW.

 

I'm experiencing NC from her (10 days) and it's the worst. I am completely devastated by OW and want her, but I feel alone and alienated by my family and peers. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here, other than the MM can be heart broken as well. People should realize it's not as simple as sex and having your cake and eating it too. I miss her so much, but now that my M break is becoming a reality, I was left by the person who promised she'd be there through it with me.

 

Jaseva, are you still here? How are you feeling now?

[crederer]

She could have backed off for many reasons.

 

I know some OW like the high that comes with doing something taboo. Now it's in the open, maybe she lost some of that feeling and wasn't actually sure she wanted to be committed to you. maybe she was with you because she has committment issues and this was an easy way for her to keep from being committed.

[Goodbye]

Feels like emotional blackmail to me- embarrass him and inflict so much emotional distress that he has to shape up and behave in order to save face. Now, I know that the WS also inflicted emotional distress of the worst kind but two wrongs don't make a right.

 

I will always always think so kindly of my exH. He didn't out me to anyone. Even though he's my exH now, he says if MM's BS ever tried to ruin my reputation he would stand up and say it wasn't true and who wouldn't believe him as he's my EX!

 

 

And you share CHILDREN with him. It is best to not drag the co-parents name through the mud. Best for the children, and best for both of you who are together as parents, like it or not.

[Goodbye]

She could have backed off for many reasons.

 

I know some OW like the high that comes with doing something taboo. Now it's in the open, maybe she lost some of that feeling and wasn't actually sure she wanted to be committed to you. maybe she was with you because she has committment issues and this was an easy way for her to keep from being committed.

 

 

Was that one of your H's reasons? The high from the taboo?