i know this is crazy but I need to get it off...

[loredo21]

...my chest.

I didn't want to say anything because A. I know it's crazy and B. I only have enough energy to work on myself right now. I know I still have a lot of healing to do..but...I met someone. And you'd never guess this one...he's married. I know, shoot me. Let me say first that I have NO intentions of ever being apart of an A again, mine or anyone else's. I met him about a year and a half ago and knew he was interested then. But never came in contact with him again until recently. He was not married a year and a half ago. I haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with this person, and have already made my stance clear. There has been no shady contact since. Really NC at all. I am not ready to go down this path again. But I can't stop thinking about him. I honestly believe in my heart that this is a person I want in my life forever under the right circumstances. If even a friendship. (I NEVER said anything like that about xMOM, ew.) I would wait forever for him to be by my side. I don't think I could ever love anyone as much as I could love him. And would just assume wander the earth alone forever. I know. So crazy. When we were spending time together (strictly professionally) we talked about music a lot and he ended up making me some CD's. Is that normal MM behavior? I listen to them and try to dissect the lyrics thinking he must have intended for me to do that. Every song is about timing, and love and missing someone, and finding that one right person at the wrong time. I guess I am just looking for whatever encouragement one can give in this situation. Is there any hope? Will I ever see him again? My heart literally aches every day. But I will do nothing for now. I am ready for the next chapter in my life and have a lot of "me" time I need to take care of. But still. I can't help it. Timing is a real bitch!

 

I guess in all honesty it all sounds very bad. not good at all. It is only a feeling though. I promise there will be nothing done about this unless it is done the right way. I appreciate the concern as always though. This is why the title has the word crazy in it because I know it is. And I want to be okay first. And I am not out there searching for married men. I didn't even know he was married while we were talking. No ring. So, yeah that's not the issue here. I was attracted to him a year and a half ago but in a horrible place in my own M and contrary to popular belief NEVER wanted to partake in an EA. So that was that. Things have obviously changed a lot in both of our lives.

 

I fully expect to hear what a damaged idiot I am. But I did not go looking for this. Nor do I have any intentions of it going anywhere. I just needed to vent this and talk to someone about it because I am going (more) nuts holding it all in. If I am looking at the facts, he is married and hasn't tried to contact me. So I think I have my answer. But I have to believe that all of the crap I have gone through put me in his path again. Because let's just say, me harming myself put me directly in his line again. Unintentionally, I hadn't even thought about him in a year and had no clue I would ever see him again. I believe in fate. And cosmic connections. But also that sometimes the fleeting moments can shape us the most. I feel just having known him is enough for me to not settle for anything less than what I know I deserve.

And that's all she wrote.

[ThatJustHappened]

Seriously? I mean...seriously? What the hell are you thinking? You just got out of the hospital because you were harming yourself after getting involved in an affair and now you're considering starting another one??

 

PLEASE tell me you're in therapy. If not, start immediately. If you are, please increase the number of sessions you have. This is not normal. This is not healthy behavior. Something is very very wrong.

[Praying4Peace]

Hi Loredo,

 

So you did just see him recently after your ER incident? I think you said you were thrown in his path.

 

Also- a year and half ago- was he married or not? You said he wasn't, but then said he was but didn't wear a ring.

 

If he wasn't, then it seems he's moved on. He's a newlywed! He wasn't meant to be because the timing wasn't right.

 

When you knew him were you in the A with your boss? Where does that fit in?

 

If he made you a CD...umm...was it an EA? How long did you work with him?

 

I think your heart is just trying to heal the fastest way possible and that's by substitution and love from another. You are remembering him because it helps the pain right now. I know you must be in immense pain with the end of the A and the ending of your marriage. But don't try and make the pain go away so fast by inserting someone (or even the thought of someone) into your life. Find other things that make you really happy. Try things you've never tried. Or just let good old TIME do its thing. Only then can you assess who and what type of person you'd like to be with and when you meet him YOU'LL KNOW and it probably will be a single man.

[loredo21]

Seriously? I mean...seriously? What the hell are you thinking? You just got out of the hospital because you were harming yourself after getting involved in an affair and now you're considering starting another one??

 

PLEASE tell me you're in therapy. If not, start immediately. If you are, please increase the number of sessions you have. This is not normal. This is not healthy behavior. Something is very very wrong.

 

hey yo, i said nothing about starting another affair. in fact i clearly stated i would not do that. it is NOT even a consideration. But the feelings are there. I'm sorry if "feelings" aren't normal to you. Perhaps YOU need therapy? Not feeling must suck...maybe you should read thoroughly before reacting.

[loredo21]

Hi Loredo,

 

So you did just see him recently after your ER incident? I think you said you were thrown in his path.

 

Also- a year and half ago- was he married or not? You said he wasn't, but then said he was but didn't wear a ring.

 

If he wasn't, then it seems he's moved on. He's a newlywed! He wasn't meant to be because the timing wasn't right.

 

When you knew him were you in the A with your boss? Where does that fit in?

 

If he made you a CD...umm...was it an EA? How long did you work with him?

 

I think your heart is just trying to heal the fastest way possible and that's by substitution and love from another. You are remembering him because it helps the pain right now. I know you must be in immense pain with the end of the A and the ending of your marriage. But don't try and make the pain go away so fast by inserting someone (or even the thought of someone) into your life. Find other things that make you really happy. Try things you've never tried. Or just let good old TIME do its thing. Only then can you assess who and what type of person you'd like to be with and when you meet him YOU'LL KNOW and it probably will be a single man.

 

I know. I am doing a lot of things to heal. I don't normally connect with people this much, if at all. There was no connection with exMM. It was more of a right place right time thing. I guess he was my exit A. I never had strong feelings for him and although I did feel rejected and that hurt it was simply a blip on the radar for me. I ended up harming myself because of my H's reaction to me that day. It had NOTHING to do with the A. Though the circumstances leading up to that day could be directly related to the A. When I met new-guy a year and a half ago he was not married. He was interested and made it clear he was single but I was not in the right place. Now recently he was not wearing a ring but I found out he was M after our contact. It could be described as a very brief EA but not really. We connected but there was no inappropriate activity. Except for the CDs and I still don't even know what those mean. There is no connection to him and my exMM. They never overlapped. My A was only a few months long in between the 2 contacts with this other man. Phew. Jiminy, this is a lot.

Y'all can judge me and say whatever you want to say but I only came here to vent and talk about it. I am not in an A. Have no plans to ever be in one again. My PLAN is to be single and figure out me and what I want out of life and to go out there and do it. I can't help when feelings arise. I don't go hitting on every MM I come in contact with. It is merely a coincidence that he is married. Yes timing was horrible, and I understand nothing will probably ever come of it. I may be nuts, but I'm not stupid enough to put myself through that again.

[Praying4Peace]

How did he come into your head? Did you see the CD? Did you see him around?

 

Just trying to help you figure out what triggered these memories of him.

 

Even people who find it hard to connect with others sometimes do so in a work environment- its like a hostage situation lol.

[loredo21]

How did he come into your head? Did you see the CD? Did you see him around?

 

Just trying to help you figure out what triggered these memories of him.

 

Even people who find it hard to connect with others sometimes do so in a work environment- its like a hostage situation lol.

 

he didn't come into my head, we literally saw eachother and he made me the cd's this time around. as a married man. he didn't pop into my head as a memory. i saw him and had to spend time with him. it wasn't at work...so...yeah. thanks for your support Peace. you are one of the best posters here.

bye for now.

[ThatJustHappened]

hey yo, i said nothing about starting another affair. in fact i clearly stated i would not do that. it is NOT even a consideration. But the feelings are there. I'm sorry if "feelings" aren't normal to you. Perhaps YOU need therapy? Not feeling must suck...maybe you should read thoroughly before reacting.

 

I'm already in therapy. I have issues of my own. Telling someone they need therapy is not an insult.

 

You're lashing out at me for pointing out something you already know. You need to cut contact with this man.

[Praying4Peace]

he didn't come into my head, we literally saw eachother and he made me the cd's this time around. as a married man. he didn't pop into my head as a memory. i saw him and had to spend time with him. it wasn't at work...so...yeah. thanks for your support Peace. you are one of the best posters here.

bye for now.

 

Loredo- if someone is bothering you so much, just put them on Ignore.

 

So I gotcha on the timeline. I'm sorry, wasn't getting it. Wow, so you just saw him and he gave you the CD. How much contact have you guys had? What's on the CD? I thought everything you were posting were memories of when you worked together and he was obviously interested. That's why I was really worried! LOL!

 

I know you aren't getting back into an A. I realize you are venting and sharing. Just picture him telling you he isn't interested in you like that anymore because he's married. Or better yet, if you see him or talk to him again tell him about your A and how its affected you. Maybe he'll learn to keep his Love Song Mixes to himself! LOL!

[sweet_pea]

Now that you know he is married, this is the time to back away. The way you talk about him worries me, especially because you say you would never go down the A route, but talk about wanting him in your life forever & all of these deep + loving feelings. Focus on your healing right now.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I thought I posted already on this so excuse me if this is redundant.

 

Loredo - honey - you have been through so much. Please don't do this. You have too much on your plate right now. Let yourself heal. You need to focus on YOU right now. Men should not be in the equation.

 

I was told by someone once that when the same thing keeps happening to you and the lessons aren't learned (whatever it is you need to learn about yourself) that the same issues will pop up later in a different form down the road. This seems very soon for you but I submit to you that this is the same problem.

 

Please, please work on whatever the lesson is you need to learn. Otherwise you will be back to square one. This is truly said out of love.

 

And, btw - these cd mixes? Omg - my xom was famous for these - I rue the day I ever took the first one from his hand. Some days I wonder if he didn't give the exact ones to his wife. So cruel.

Edited May 23, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[loredo21]

Honestly Loredo, this is what I was afraid of for you months ago.

That you were goign to be left lost and looking for something that you didn't even realize you wanted.

It was obvious from the first post of yours I ever responded on that you DON'T feel completed by your marriage and you just CAN'T fake that. You can't create it out of nothing... you can't.

I'm sorry you are facing another really complicated situation.

 

Have you gotten to IC yet?

 

And no.. you aren't an idiot.. but you do need to figure out what you need and want to make you happy and I don't think you are going to be able to do that while you're married to your husband.

 

Heeey LFH.

H and I are in the beginning stages of our dissolution. Paperwork is filed and we're on our way. You were right all along. I wasn't all in R with my H. And I knew it would never work. So we ended things. You must've missed that memo

And it's so weird, your post here appeared out of nowhere. It wasn't there the first 10 times I looked at this thread. Strange. Thanks for your thoughts lovely.

[Lillyfree]

hi loredo.... i don't really have an advice. just wanted to give you a hug.

 

 

*hug*

[whichwayisup]

Don't befriend and have a MM as your 'best friend' especially if you can see yourself with them, think they are your soulmate/soultwin etc..

 

Fact is, he hasn't contacted you. He is more important to you than you are to him.

 

He has a best friend already. His wife. And she has to be his number one.

 

RUN. You're setting yourself up for a HUGE fall and hurt if you choose to try to have a friendship with him. Might as well stick pins in your eyes now.

 

Sorry if what I've said is harsh, but the LAST thing you need is a 'friend' who you 'like' and happens to be married.

[whichwayisup]

hey yo, i said nothing about starting another affair. in fact i clearly stated i would not do that. it is NOT even a consideration. But the feelings are there. I'm sorry if "feelings" aren't normal to you. Perhaps YOU need therapy? Not feeling must suck...maybe you should read thoroughly before reacting.

 

Sweetie, could this be tranference of feelings?

 

People connect all the time, emotionally, spiritually, physically.. The feelings are there. Accept them, accept it is what it is, then box it. Put it away forever.

 

The key is, how you handle it and what you DO. Don't try to hang on to him though and all that you feel. Reliving and hoping or wishing will do a lot of harm to you! And that you do not need!

 

Stay well.

[loredo21]

Honestly, has no one else ever experienced a "spark"?!?

You must've had that spark with your AP, no?

Your H's?

(sorry if you never have because it is truly amazing.)

Yes, I understand that the timing and circumstances are not ideal. But we had a connection...I will do nothing to encourage this spark. But what is so bad about me thinking if the siuation was different that we might have something great? What if there is honest to god potential there, and in the future if the timings better and we are both single and able to be together...what is so wrong with that? Is it so bad to have hope that something wonderful could happen?

I didn't write this post as a prompt to want something with him right now. There will be no contact. There will be no affair. But if I am not allowed to be hopeful for my future then I have nothing.

I am working on myself. I know I can no longer waste my precious energy on this for now. Maybe when I am in a better place I can use this hope to find someone and be in love again. But let me be clear, the are no men. Im going to be single for a very long time. I don't want to date and most men make me want to puke. So yeah you don't have torry about me trying to interject a man in my life to band-aid all of my issues. It's not gonna happen. I have so many awesome things planned this summer that are just for ME! You all worry too much.

[loredo21]

hi loredo.... i don't really have an advice. just wanted to give you a hug.

 

 

*hug*

 

Awwww sweetheart! Thank you, It means a lot!

*im squeezing back*

[loredo21]

Don't befriend and have a MM as your 'best friend' especially if you can see yourself with them, think they are your soulmate/soultwin etc..

 

Fact is, he hasn't contacted you. He is more important to you than you are to him.

 

He has a best friend already. His wife. And she has to be his number one.

 

RUN. You're setting yourself up for a HUGE fall and hurt if you choose to try to have a friendship with him. Might as well stick pins in your eyes now.

 

Sorry if what I've said is harsh, but the LAST thing you need is a 'friend' who you 'like' and happens to be married.

 

I know this. I stated the "facts" in the original post. I'm not an idiot. I know he's a newlywed probably enjoying life. But we did bond. I'm not making those feelings up. I don't need to run because I'm not even there. There has been NC since we didn't have to see eachother everyday. That was a mutual thing, as I've stated things would need to be done right. If friends his W would need to know about me and be my friend too, if it's meant to be more I will just have to wait on time to do it's thing. I did say I would love him but that love could easily be a friendship love. Men can have female friends if it is all legit and out in the open. It is society that has this idea that male and females being friends is somehow taboo. stupid. and him not contacting me is obvious, duh. he's a good guy who would never cheat and he won't ever ccontact me while married. But that says NOTHING about me being less important to him than him to me.

and here' s a novel idea: did anyone ever stop to think he is miserable in his M and may be separating or something....not saying it's true, but it is SO not black and white. There are a lot details that we could be missing here. he didn't wear his ring. That could have huge meaning or it could mean nothing.

Edited May 24, 2013 by loredo21

[sweet_pea]

No one is talking about society being the reason y'all can't be friends. It's the fact that he is married, you had an affair and are currently healing from that, as the reason why. The way you are describing your feelings for him just doesn't seem like it would be a good idea. I know you say that it would not cross the line but you don't know that. Being friends with a guy who you hope to be with romantically, especially if is taken, is just not a good idea.

 

I do not think it is beneficial to you to hope for a friendship with him if he hasn't reached out to you. If you are met with disappointment, then what? If he isn't contacting you, then it does show where his priorities are.

 

Also, I'm unclear as to why you brought up the possibility of him being miserable in his marriage? What were you trying to say with that?

 

I really hope you focus on yourself and getting to a better place! Good luck, girl. (None of what I said was meant to be mean)

[StripeyShirt]

Loredo, I don't doubt that your feelings are real, and what you say is true.

 

However, I feel the need to very kindly and gently point out where they are coming from. I don't think what you are feeling is for this man himself, and specifically for him. I dont doubt there is a spark - we have all felt that, and some of the most amazing and long lasting relationships start from a very small spark. But if the only contact you have had with this man is in a professional setting, then you cannot possibly know enough about him to feel an all encompassing love.

 

I have a feeling that you have a great love and a need to express that, and you seem to focus it on anyone other than yourself. Its almost as if feeling a great and overwhelming love is deflecting your thoughts from more negative great and overwhelming feelings. I wonder if you have a void that you just need to fill to stop your mind going somewhere it doesnt want to go?

 

Loredo, I think the power of your feelings is being generated by something within you, and not because this man is perfect for you. He is just what you have happened to attach your feelings to. I think it would be great if you could detach your feelings before you go any further, and try to heal from the other things that have caused you so much pain.

 

I know you know all this is wrong.

 

Just imagine how fantastic life will be when you love yourself this much, and when you are free to love someone that way, who can love you that much back.

[ThatJustHappened]

Honestly, has no one else ever experienced a "spark"?!?

You must've had that spark with your AP, no?

Your H's?

(sorry if you never have because it is truly amazing.)

Yes, I understand that the timing and circumstances are not ideal. But we had a connection...I will do nothing to encourage this spark. But what is so bad about me thinking if the siuation was different that we might have something great? What if there is honest to god potential there, and in the future if the timings better and we are both single and able to be together...what is so wrong with that? Is it so bad to have hope that something wonderful could happen?

I didn't write this post as a prompt to want something with him right now. There will be no contact. There will be no affair. But if I am not allowed to be hopeful for my future then I have nothing.

I am working on myself. I know I can no longer waste my precious energy on this for now. Maybe when I am in a better place I can use this hope to find someone and be in love again. But let me be clear, the are no men. Im going to be single for a very long time. I don't want to date and most men make me want to puke. So yeah you don't have torry about me trying to interject a man in my life to band-aid all of my issues. It's not gonna happen. I have so many awesome things planned this summer that are just for ME! You all worry too much.

 

You just got out of the psych ward because you tried to hurt yourself, you're in the middle of a divorce, you just got out of an affair, and now you're talking about being attracted to another married man and wondering if his marriage is doing well. Can't imagine why anyone would be worried about you...

 

I know you think I'm a b*tch for some reason and you'll probably attack me again for this, but I've only ever been nice to you, and I only say the things I say because I care, and I can see you starting to rationalize having feelings for a married man..but most affairs start small. Random feelings of attraction, friendship..and then things escalate into more and the cheaters wonder how they got there. All I'm saying is that you should be careful because you're very vulnerable (and rightfully so) right now and the last thing you need is more pain.

[Journee]

Loredo,

 

I'm surprised by the way you are lashing out at people who are just showing concern for you. You are important and people care enough to post to your situation.

 

It is quite the shock that after all you have been through as of late your thoughts would even venture in that direction. Especially in speculating that he may be miserable and this could leave an opening for you all. Even if you do not want to engage in an affair ,your words here are dangerous.

 

I'm concerned for you. You can be mad at me if you feel the need but I want better for you. This train of thought is a wreck waiting to happen. For you. I don't really care about MM right now. Entertaining feelings for this man may hurt you in the end. It's hard to hear but his M is none of your business and you certainly have no place as his friend when you have such strong feelings for him. A "spark" as you put it. You would not be a good friend to him in that regard as he is married.

 

Your romanticizing this situation will be detrimental. We worry for you because we care. Now stop being mean to us :l

 

I worried snout you through all of your tough times here. You are still in my thoughts.

 

((((hugs))))

[Praying4Peace]

Hey Loredo,

 

Yes, I know that "spark". Believe in that. It's real. But it can happen many times with many different people. If the fact that you experienced it with this man solidifies your belief in love, than hold onto that. But don't hold onto *him*. He just symbolizes what you want to feel for someone who is all yours in the future.

 

You know how you mentioned that your exMM/boss didn't really give you that type of feeling? See how much he messed up your head WITHOUT even that spark, connection? So this one- run like the wind. Make up some story in your head about how he's so messed up he's giving out CD's to women a year into his marriage and how he'd probably do that to you if he was your husband (oh wait, that story sounds real! lol).

 

I'm so glad to hear you have great plans for the summer.

 

When I read your posts, I don't think you are planning to get into another Affair. I don't think you want to make contact with Sparky (that's my name for him). I think you just want to believe there is love out there somewhere. That there is destiny and connections and things that are meant to be. The fun of it is....we don't know when or where. So live life fully and let things unravel...

 

P4P

[Quiet Storm]

loredo, I think you need something to be happy about. You may be thinking about this because it gives your mind a break from the problems.

 

Are there things that make you happy that are unrelated to men or romance?

 

Have you ever tried DBT therapy? If not, you may want to ask your doctor or therapist about it. You can do some research about it online and see if you think it could benefit you.

 

The negative reactions aren't because you noticed an attraction or felt a spark. It's because you have been through a lot of emotional turmoil recently, and your focus on this guy doesn't make sense to a lot of us.

 

You should focus your thoughts on learning to be OK on your own. In a reality that is not clouded by romance & sparks. Just be. Sit with yourself. No distractions. No drama. No focusing on other people & what they are doing, thinking or feeling. No escaping, even if it's through the the fantasy of your own thoughts. No numbing your feelings. Be comfortable and content with just you.

 

Romance & sparks are awesome... but they are extra. It is healthiest when they are experienced by people that are content & happy already. If you don't have a strong foundation (you), then romance & sparks often lead to heartache and drama. They begin to feel like a need, and we end up doing self destructive things to have that need fulfilled.

 

If we depend on outside forces & the feelings of others to be happy or content, then that sets us up to feel empty & alone when others leave or hurt us. When we are comfortable and happy with ourselves, then we will be okay no matter what others say to us, and what others do to us. Bad things happen, but we will cope.

 

We need to be equipped to handle the problems and emotions that come with romance & love. Right now, I genuinely do not feel like you are capable.

 

It's going to be hard for awhile. Accept that. There is no magic pill or man or relationship that will make it better. You have to do the work, first. Your goal needs to be a happy & content you.

Edited May 24, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[waterwoman]

Hey loredo sweetie, take time to breathe, look around you and just be alive xxx