Are you proud of me yet, mama?

[UpwardForward]

These are the words Barbra Streisand said to her mother at her comeback concert at Madison Square Garden a few years back.

 

Successful Barbra in every way - including financial, talent.

 

I have no idea why mother's react this way to their offspring. Is it jealousy, or inferiority complex, or failure to move on and release child from their childhood, or is it just plain: offspring's decisions/goals didn't line up with the mother's/parents'.

 

I also know we're not supposed to concern ourselves w others' opinions. Or mothers who never saw you because they were glued to their own image/reflection in mirrors.

 

A reminder that our eyes should be on God, our creator. And we have a second chance with embracing/praising our own children.

Edited May 23, 2013 by UpwardForward

[UpwardForward]

Sorry, I tried to change the title. I believe the quote should have been: Are you proud of me now, mama?

[Emilia]

I didn't realise for many years how my mother's dissatisfaction with me affected me in my 20s. It's hard for me to look at it objectively as I left my home country about 20 years ago so even though I see her 3-4 times a year, our relationship is much more distant now. I never talk to her about my dating life for example. For years I blamed myself for being so distant from her but to be completely honest, I don't think she craves much more closeness. She says she does but I really don't think it's the case.

 

I think aspects of it was competition, I remember she told me when I was about 14 that I was the main reason she couldn't have a man in her life (not true and of course she had men in her life) and my moving to the UK had as much to do with her sending me away as my wanting to actually come here on my own accord.

 

Our relationship is much better now, partly because I don't give a sh*t and it's probably fair to say that I don't love her anymore. I'm very respectful and spend time with her, etc but she means very little to me. I love my sister to bits and I have some amazing people in my life.

 

It is what it is.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah.

 

"Honour thy father and Mother".

 

 

Don't say nuthin' nowhere about lovin' 'em.....

[UpwardForward]

Yeah.

 

"Honour thy father and Mother".

 

 

Don't say nuthin' nowhere about lovin' 'em.....

 

This made me laugh . Yer funny.

[UpwardForward]

I didn't realise for many years how my mother's dissatisfaction with me affected me in my 20s. It's hard for me to look at it objectively as I left my home country about 20 years ago so even though I see her 3-4 times a year, our relationship is much more distant now. I never talk to her about my dating life for example. For years I blamed myself for being so distant from her but to be completely honest, I don't think she craves much more closeness. She says she does but I really don't think it's the case.

 

I think aspects of it was competition, I remember she told me when I was about 14 that I was the main reason she couldn't have a man in her life (not true and of course she had men in her life) and my moving to the UK had as much to do with her sending me away as my wanting to actually come here on my own accord.

 

Our relationship is much better now, partly because I don't give a sh*t and it's probably fair to say that I don't love her anymore. I'm very respectful and spend time with her, etc but she means very little to me. I love my sister to bits and I have some amazing people in my life.

 

It is what it is.

 

Thank God you have and know 'love'. That's important.

[Emilia]

Thank God you have and know 'love'. That's important.

Yes that's certainly the case. I think lots of families struggle, it's not unusual the slightest.

[dreamingoftigers]

My parents pay lip service to being proud of me when pressured.

 

Otherwise they are very good at listing and categorizing each of my faults and reminding me. If only a could reprogram them into some kind of alarm and scheduling system......

 

I have married a man with the same style of communication.

It's exhausting. Quite. Exhausting.

 

I often wish I could just go back into my childhood and sit on my younger self's shoulder like one of those "angel-devil" motifs and just filter or disprove all of the crap my parents said to me.

 

I am going to be 31 next month and never failto be fascinated by just how much damage it did to my developing self and I have been ironing out these issues actively since I was 17!

 

At least I've gotten past thinking that "no one anywhere ever truly likes me and can see how broken and 'evil' and 'burdensome' I am to everyone."

I can also see how people that treat a child or spouse like that generally, as a rule, have NO leg to stand on.

 

Since a refusal years ago to accept aggressi

[Emilia]

I am going to be 31 next month and never failto be fascinated by just how much damage it did to my developing self and I have been ironing out these issues actively since I was 17!

 

At least I've gotten past thinking that "no one anywhere ever truly likes me and can see how broken and 'evil' and 'burdensome' I am to everyone."

I can also see how people that treat a child or spouse like that generally, as a rule, have NO leg to stand on.

 

Since a refusal years ago to accept aggressi

That's the hardest part to get past

[dreamingoftigers]

That's the hardest part to get past

 

It's like feeling stripped down and 'exposed' to people for no good reason.

 

Also the permeating feeling that no matter what your intentions are, you'll still be doing something 'bad' to others. Or they'd be wishing someone else was there and not you.

 

My compass (in person) for being able to read if I am actually accepted and/or celebrated is so messed up. I spent a large part of my late teens/very early 20s even resenting when people acted welcoming or liking toward me. I felt in the pit of my stomach that they were being completely phoney and it made me uncomfortable.

 

So you can imagine what kind of friends that left me with, the kind with little genuine interest, and usually only available if you were paying for something. Which I often did. And felt like if I didn't, I wouldn't have any friends.

 

Ugh. Parents have too much power.

 

Being my parent's emotional dumping ground really left me with more internal toxicity than anything other emotional interactions in my entire life. Also with a huge, gaping hole inside of craving and wanting love & acceptance that my exes couldn't fill at all. Because I'd never believe them fully.

 

I went to a counselor when I was 20 who asked me to list off, "maybe five to ten" things I would tell myself were negative in the course of the day and see what the original source was. When I started going I couldn't stop. The vast majority of thoughts rushing around my head were self-condemning. Sitting down for about an hour, I pulled over 200, in succession, off of the top of my head.

 

My counselor saw me the next week and I asked me if I was still wondering "just why I have bouts of depression." Quite the eye opener.

 

It's a horrible template to have. I try so hard not to model self-loathing and self-depreciation to my daughter. I don't want her in any way to feel like I did & and often still do about herself. I don't tear her down or tell her how much of a "pain in the ass" or whatever she might be. Because she isn't. She's actually pretty easy and really great!

 

I do notice that my husband is REALLY rigid about her behaviour. But also inconsistent. NOT HEALTHY. She threw a couple of temper tantrums in a week a few weeks ago. (she was three, just turned four). I used to work in daycare and honestly, she's nowhere near a brat and she isn't outside the normal range for testing behaviours at all. So he starts ranting about how "this is deteriorating, we need to get on top of this with XYZ increased measure and ZYX thing to try to fix this."

 

She didn't need to be 'fixed' she's THREE! she hadn't seen enough of us that week due to finals and was acting up to get attention. After time out, we started playing and she did so much better! Imagine if we shamed her or tried putting these "extra-disciplinary measures" and "fixing her." that would have been so harmful, because to her, she's trying to get our attention (albeit inappropriately) and now she's being shown "quit bothering us, you are BAD you need FIXING." What she really needed was a time out and another shot at getting positive attention.

 

It made me cry tears of joy last week when I did her hair and she looked in the mirror and smiled so broadly and said, "thank you mommy I look so beautiful!" because I could tell she really felt and believed it. She was so happy about the way she looked and she could SEE it. Like there was no doubt in her mind at all that she was a pretty little girl. I've NEVER had that moment my WHOLE LIFE. And she loves looking in the mirror and smiles when she does it. :love:

[Emilia]

It's like feeling stripped down and 'exposed' to people for no good reason.

 

Also the permeating feeling that no matter what your intentions are, you'll still be doing something 'bad' to others. Or they'd be wishing someone else was there and not you.

Very well put. It's an ongoing battle I'm slowly winning? Hopefully. I think when I'm talking to a man he doesn't realise how hard I fight the 'fight or flight' response. I didn't realise for years that other people didn't battle with this as much as I did. What is a small gesture for someone, to me it's a huge thing where I think I'm exposing myself and would get anxious and flighty at the first perceived negative response. If a response can be read in a positive way and a negative way, I'll pick the latter It does get better but it takes me ages before I stop watching and analysing every little thing he does.

My compass (in person) for being able to read if I am actually accepted and/or celebrated is so messed up. I spent a large part of my late teens/very early 20s even resenting when people acted welcoming or liking toward me. I felt in the pit of my stomach that they were being completely phoney and it made me uncomfortable.

Yep

I do notice that my husband is REALLY rigid about her behaviour. But also inconsistent. NOT HEALTHY. She threw a couple of temper tantrums in a week a few weeks ago. (she was three, just turned four). I used to work in daycare and honestly, she's nowhere near a brat and she isn't outside the normal range for testing behaviours at all. So he starts ranting about how "this is deteriorating, we need to get on top of this with XYZ increased measure and ZYX thing to try to fix this."

 

She didn't need to be 'fixed' she's THREE! she hadn't seen enough of us that week due to finals and was acting up to get attention. After time out, we started playing and she did so much better! Imagine if we shamed her or tried putting these "extra-disciplinary measures" and "fixing her." that would have been so harmful, because to her, she's trying to get our attention (albeit inappropriately) and now she's being shown "quit bothering us, you are BAD you need FIXING." What she really needed was a time out and another shot at getting positive attention.

You are very good DoT

 

It made me cry tears of joy last week when I did her hair and she looked in the mirror and smiled so broadly and said, "thank you mommy I look so beautiful!" because I could tell she really felt and believed it. She was so happy about the way she looked and she could SEE it. Like there was no doubt in her mind at all that she was a pretty little girl. I've NEVER had that moment my WHOLE LIFE. And she loves looking in the mirror and smiles when she does it. :love:

Awww I'm so glad you have your daughter. I'm sure you are a fantastic mum

[amaysngrace]

This thread gives me a lot to think when it comes to raising my own 14 year old daughter.

 

She's my youngest and so much different than her two brothers. Her self-esteem isn't the greatest and I try very hard to let her know how special she is to me but right now the battle is getting her to see that she is special too and finding ways to be proud of herself.

 

If we can get there I know for sure I'll be proud of her.

[Emilia]

This thread gives me a lot to think when it comes to raising my own 14 year old daughter.

 

She's my youngest and so much different than her two brothers. Her self-esteem isn't the greatest and I try very hard to let her know how special she is to me but right now the battle is getting her to see that she is special too and finding ways to be proud of herself.

 

If we can get there I know for sure I'll be proud of her.

How is she though nowdays, has there been another scare or are things better?

[amaysngrace]

How is she though nowdays, has there been another scare or are things better?

 

Little by little she is getting there, Emilia. She's moving in the right direction though.

 

Thank you for asking.

[Emilia]

Little by little she is getting there, Emilia. She's moving in the right direction though.

 

Thank you for asking.

That's very good news

Not at all, you can always talk to me about these things.

[freestyle]

I'm another one who experienced being devalued, judged, criticized, & unfairly compared to others by my mother.

 

It's only dawned on me in recent years, just how damaging & emotionally abusive that actually was.....To be painted as "never quite good enough".

 

This article, that I came across on another site, is very validating for those of us who have loud inner critics, as a result of the damaging labels imposed on us, by disordered parents during our formative years.

 

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

 

 

The link will bring you directly to an article entitled, "Shrinking The Inner Critic"....

 

 

The author is a psychotherapist who lived through a traumatic childhood himself---so he speaks from his own experience---he's got a lot a great stuff on his site.

[UpwardForward]

Thank you Freestyle.

 

That was an interesting article. What I saw throughout the article was victim's fear of abandonment - and their strive toward perfection, etc. in order to find validation.

[UpwardForward]

I am very old - so that would make my mother ancient..

 

However as of late, more and more I am seeing an agitation about something that was always there, but now seems so much more concentrated.

 

This woman takes my word for nothing. Will always refer to my kids or anyone else around instead of believing me. Challenges me whenever she can find the breath to do so, even though she is so much more limited than I when it comes to information or news.

 

Me: Theriaults had an auction here the middle of January, so they didn't have to make a special trip to pick up your (200 lots) dolls. You didn't have to give them all of them.

Her: No they weren't.

 

Me: Jerry Brown (she loves him) had prostrate cancer.

Her: No He didn't. You're thinking of someone else.

 

She loves to receive letters. When she can find a misspelled word (cruize), she has to mention it in the next letter. Even though she is a terrible speller (which is cute to her).

 

I took her to the doctor in an area of her city that was unfamiliar to me. Yet I was able to drive directly there. Got her there in 20 minutes (1/2 hr early, they were still at lunch). Now she wants me to be to her house an hour early next week, as she thinks I cut it too close.

 

Credits my good cooking with the expense of the groceries used, etc etc

 

And yes, I know it is my burden to overcome instead of trying to analyze why she is this way..

[freestyle]

 

And yes, I know it is my burden to overcome instead of trying to analyze why she is this way..

 

 

My opinion & experience is that the analyzing IS what helps one to overcome the burden......

[pureinheart]

These are the words Barbra Streisand said to her mother at her comeback concert at Madison Square Garden a few years back.

 

Successful Barbra in every way - including financial, talent.

 

I have no idea why mother's react this way to their offspring. Is it jealousy, or inferiority complex, or failure to move on and release child from their childhood, or is it just plain: offspring's decisions/goals didn't line up with the mother's/parents'.

 

I also know we're not supposed to concern ourselves w others' opinions. Or mothers who never saw you because they were glued to their own image/reflection in mirrors.

 

A reminder that our eyes should be on God, our creator. And we have a second chance with embracing/praising our own children.

 

I fell from grace at 15 when my mother found out I had tried marijuana. Funny at 14 I came home drunk off my butt from her Vodka, but guess that wasn't bad:confused:

 

After that there was no way of redeeming myself.

 

I was angry for a long time about that, but have just recently released her from my unforgiveness (she passed in 2003).

 

After my stepfather passed (2007) I took over their place as I had grown up there. I gutted the place and in the process of fixing it up I heard her talking to me...in an audible voice and know it was her and I'm not crazy- she said PIH, I love what you've done here and am proud of you and I love you.

 

Since her passing, I'm beginning to understand what she must have been going through. I realise now it was not easy being her.

 

It took a long time to get "here" with a lot of pain and heartache, ranting, bitching and complaining...all I can say is, it's important to release the frustrations in whatever way a person sees fit.

 

It does feel good not carrying the anger and resentment.

 

UF, this is a really good thread, and the crybaby I am, well, it was very hard to type through all of the tears...but managed anyway:laugh:

 

Bold- that priddy much is what it boils down to eh?

[pureinheart]

I am very old - so that would make my mother ancient..

 

However as of late, more and more I am seeing an agitation about something that was always there, but now seems so much more concentrated.

 

This woman takes my word for nothing. Will always refer to my kids or anyone else around instead of believing me. Challenges me whenever she can find the breath to do so, even though she is so much more limited than I when it comes to information or news.

 

Me: Theriaults had an auction here the middle of January, so they didn't have to make a special trip to pick up your (200 lots) dolls. You didn't have to give them all of them.

Her: No they weren't.

 

Me: Jerry Brown (she loves him) had prostrate cancer.

Her: No He didn't. You're thinking of someone else.

 

She loves to receive letters. When she can find a misspelled word (cruize), she has to mention it in the next letter. Even though she is a terrible speller (which is cute to her).

 

I took her to the doctor in an area of her city that was unfamiliar to me. Yet I was able to drive directly there. Got her there in 20 minutes (1/2 hr early, they were still at lunch). Now she wants me to be to her house an hour early next week, as she thinks I cut it too close.

 

Credits my good cooking with the expense of the groceries used, etc etc

 

And yes, I know it is my burden to overcome instead of trying to analyze why she is this way..

 

Your mother sounds like a pill!

 

You know UF, all you can do is release it because we can't change our parents, but we can learn (like you said) to not make the same mistakes with our kids.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "old" and "ancient":lmao: but my mother was raised during the Great Depression. She had some radical stories about severe poverty and being picked on by other kids because of it. I think that may have tweeked her in some ay. Possibly this is the case with your mother too.

 

Also they were raised during a much different era. When tragedy hit, everyone sucked it up and stuffed all emotions...most never dealt with their issues and carried them to the grave. This can cause rather odd behavior in the ways of showing and giving affection and love.

 

I passed this on to my kids- this detachment. As I started to deal with my issues, and then my grandkids and seeing how my daughter is with them and their relationship...I'm learning how to love. Funny, she is teaching me:laugh:

 

Just keep releasing this stuff UF, you got a lot of excellent support here, and as you can see, you are not alone! You have my heartfelt prayers and love...stand in there! (((((((((hugs))))))))

[dreamingoftigers]

My mother did acid when she was 14.

 

She's 56, she hasn't touched drugs since the 60s. Her mother hasn't gotten over it.

 

The rest of her children have ALL done drugs. But my mother stands out because she was caught so young.

 

Last time I was out there, she asked me, "You don't think Gordie (my mother's brother) has done drugs do you?"

 

Erm.....uhm.....he kinda SOLD them for YEARS and UHM yeah him and my aunt make hash brownies together .... he's kind of (very) insane now from all of the stuff he's done and he looks like he belongs in rehab....... erm, really?

 

Wow. Just wow. I don't even know why she'd be so up in arms over this considering her husband brought copious amounts of cocaine through Florida in the 80s. :rolleyes:

 

I fell from grace at 15 when my mother found out I had tried marijuana. Funny at 14 I came home drunk off my butt from her Vodka, but guess that wasn't bad:confused:

 

After that there was no way of redeeming myself.

 

I was angry for a long time about that, but have just recently released her from my unforgiveness (she passed in 2003).

 

After my stepfather passed (2007) I took over their place as I had grown up there. I gutted the place and in the process of fixing it up I heard her talking to me...in an audible voice and know it was her and I'm not crazy- she said PIH, I love what you've done here and am proud of you and I love you.

 

Since her passing, I'm beginning to understand what she must have been going through. I realise now it was not easy being her.

 

It took a long time to get "here" with a lot of pain and heartache, ranting, bitching and complaining...all I can say is, it's important to release the frustrations in whatever way a person sees fit.

 

It does feel good not carrying the anger and resentment.

 

UF, this is a really good thread, and the crybaby I am, well, it was very hard to type through all of the tears...but managed anyway:laugh:

 

Bold- that priddy much is what it boils down to eh?

[UpwardForward]

My cousin died at 38. Some time after, my mother and grandmother minimized his death because they said it was due to drugs. (I had been told it was from his heavy smoking).

 

Regardless, about 18 yrs later - after my father died, this next door neighbor who was on drugs, flattered my mother. Lived with her for a brief time. Went through $7000 of her money, took her jewelry. Meantime we didn't know about all of this because she made up reasons for us to not come.

[pureinheart]

My mother did acid when she was 14.

 

She's 56, she hasn't touched drugs since the 60s. Her mother hasn't gotten over it.

 

The rest of her children have ALL done drugs. But my mother stands out because she was caught so young.

 

Last time I was out there, she asked me, "You don't think Gordie (my mother's brother) has done drugs do you?"

 

Erm.....uhm.....he kinda SOLD them for YEARS and UHM yeah him and my aunt make hash brownies together .... he's kind of (very) insane now from all of the stuff he's done and he looks like he belongs in rehab....... erm, really?

 

Wow. Just wow. I don't even know why she'd be so up in arms over this considering her husband brought copious amounts of cocaine through Florida in the 80s. :rolleyes:

 

Wow, I feel so bad for your mom, it almost sounds like different, or blind eye standards were set. It's funny, with all of the flack she most likely took, whether verbal or non verbal, your mom never told on her siblings or dad/stepdad and I'm sure she knew. I'm assuming your mom never said anything based on your grandmother asking you.

 

I think what that generation didn't get was the fact that IME no one uses drugs, epecially street drugs without cause, meaning for some it's not about "experimentation", it's about escape. I mean seriously DOT, acid at 14...me getting drunk off my butt- there's something wrong. Instead the fingers got pointed and labeled screw ups- no hope.

 

LOL, so that's where KSC (Kennedy Space Center) was getting all of the coke! Just kidding. Dude, I was supposed to go there back then on business. It would last for months at a time, my co-workers would come back with big time bucks. Ohhhh it was soooo tempting, although at that time, 80's, I knew I'd get hooked on coke. Everybody was doing it. The stories were insane. Then recently watched a documentary about it- yuk.

[pureinheart]

My cousin died at 38. Some time after, my mother and grandmother minimized his death because they said it was due to drugs. (I had been told it was from his heavy smoking).

 

Regardless, about 18 yrs later - after my father died, this next door neighbor who was on drugs, flattered my mother. Lived with her for a brief time. Went through $7000 of her money, took her jewelry. Meantime we didn't know about all of this because she made up reasons for us to not come.

 

Oh man, 38 is soooo young, I am so sorry UF:( Aren't drugs such a wonderful thing and experience, especially for those around them:sick::sick::sick: