Are you proud of me yet, mama?

[pureinheart]

Changed my mind, not going to throw anything, just more work for me.

 

As God as my witness, this rant is not meant for ANYONE on LS/online (just wanted to make that clear:D)

 

Here's the great big FINGER to all of the people in my past- at work, ex H's, ex bf's, "friends", "family", WHATEVER, who judged me, screwed me over and freaking straight up lied about me. It wasn't ME, it was YOU...cool, YOU saw me coming, all traumatised and **** ...ya I guess I was priddy MESSED UP after FINALLY figuring out I was being USED as a DOORMAT- how dare I put an end to it- how totally screwed up, RIGHT? It's all on YOU now isn't it...

 

Well, I feel better:D

 

Thank you UF and thank you DOT...you've been most helpful:love: and I must bid you all a good night as it has been a wonderful, yet taxing day/life:laugh:

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow, just wow...

 

Just out of curiousity, do you find when telling others of your experiences, them looking at you funny, and you know they are thinking 'is she really telling the truth'?

 

Yes, and it's awful. I don't talk about it much in person anymore. I learned a long time ago that people with functional families don't understand people with dysfunctional families. They can't "get it" because they haven't lived through being very very scared, sad, rejected etc. on a regular basis.

 

And often the kids from dysfunctional families would either start a "no my parent is way worse" competition, or there was a real depressing co-miserable conversation. I've had those. And it's like you know that you both want to connect with each other, but you can only do it because you are both deeply sad and that's what you have in common. You can't have a "happy friendship" when you are bonding with someone over depression.

 

So many times in explaining what my Dad was like or how something was unworkable I would hear "oh I'm sure it's not that bad." "Now I'm a parent and I can tell you that parents always love their kids. Your Dad loves you. He's just protective/upset/stressed out/worried." "I talked to your father, he says that you don't listen/understand/you are 'rebelling'/that you are stressed out because you have two autistic siblings/have trouble making friends.":sick: NO! I was being regularly physically, mentally and emotionally abused. Jeez, he whacked me in the face once in just the right way that a bunch of blood ran back down my throat and I started choking on it. He freaked about me saying anything. Gawd. My siblings? Were autistic? Please.

 

Do you find yourself able to identify, and not only identify, but have an experience (or know of one close to you) so simular to theirs that it's scary?

 

There are of course moments where you feel this, OMG you GET the narcissistic parent thing! Oh thank goodness. And you are okay? You made it? Oh wow, that's great! It is neat for a bit. I think it's funny on some of the narcissism boards, there's a mix of people that have clearly been effected by having a parent with it. Then there are people I would swear are NPD victimizing people and expecting accolades and pity for being a victim. I find it's too triggery and toxic there.

 

But it does amuse me to see the "My daughter is clearly a narcissist because she wants to date Tommy. Well I hate Tommy and told her "even though you are 31 you shouldn't date Tommy. So where's your family loyalty? Are you acting like a whore? Can't you see that you're hurting me? So is that NPD? See, she is a horrible, selfish narcissist who thinks of no one but herself! I hope she gets hit by a bus on the way to go see Tommy. I have to cut her out of my life if she isn't going to take my feelings into consideration.":rolleyes:

 

You my dear friend have been through quite a lot. Also you are an amazing person:love: to be able to such a grasp of the truth and reality.

 

Thank you PIH! I actually get pretty frustrated because I am going to be 31 soon and it's like I review my childhood and my daughter's childhood with regularity and then there's still more stuff to process! I feel better about my self and my stuff, but c'mon! When does the real breather come? When does it just be finished? I really don't want to be 78 and saying, "oh, I forgot this about my Dad." Like, I get it, they were messed up. Still are in a fair amount of ways. They messed me up. But when for the love of God, do these things stop rattling around my brain. They aren't so painful or anything since the trauma therapy, but really, it would be nice to spend a few weeks without it being the "story in my head." Ugh.

 

I rarely ever cut down parents as I'm too busy cutting myself down due to my parental mistakes (and have a ton of them) ...but gf, your parents need help- bad. Borrowing money from you and putting you in debt like that:sick: ...blaming your childhood on sibblings disabilities....are you kidding me????? ....and I thought I was in denial....wow

 

You have no idea how weird it is to read that in print. LOL I just got so used to living it that it's just "what it is." And I am scared to death about what my child is picking up from me. I have my work cut out for me.

 

I'm sure you realise that it is nothing less than a miracle that you aren't strung out on drugs???? Hey, I got the "drug" talks too...it didn't do jack because my mother was so far into denial it wasn't even funny....and she couldn't figure why she had a dope fiend for a kid- how embarrassing, you know? How that must have looked...

 

Yes, I think it is rather....odd that I didn't end up with a major habit of the illegal kind. Or alcohol. BUT my mother seemed to be more in control of her emotional impulses (compared to my father she seemed like a pacifist, it actually took me until an exercise in therapy at 22 to realize that she was actually quite abusive. Despite my father's more BLATANT and physical abuse, during EMDR hearing my mother laugh at me and insinuate that I was crazy for saying my father was abusive etc. and her shaming me repeatedly actually stuck out more to me:confused:).

 

But my father on the other hand was a total loose cannon. Just blast, blast, blast...... Physical, emotional, verbal whatever. The man had no filter. And he was an alcoholic. So I always equated alcohol with nutso. I attended a domestic violence group last year () and we watched a video in the class. The instructor mentioned how abusers go off like this and that during "tense times, often when they can't cope or feel out of control." I mentioned that my Dad was like that every single day. I really think that he didn't believe me. And he worked at the shelter!

 

My Dad was really really unregulated every day. He had very serious social problems and he started his own business because somehow he managed to even piss off the Transit Union. Just wow. He fires people all the freaking time. Or they quit, suddenly. I see new people going in and out of the place every time I go there. If they wave or whatever, I mentally question how long they are going to last and if I will see them again next time.

 

My mother, as I mentioned before, covered off the drug thing. She also covered off the sexual angle as well. (It's kind of funny actually). My mother always wanted grandchildren. Always. So when I was 14, she told me that if I had a teenage pregnancy it "wouldn't be a big deal" because "your father and I will raise it.":sick: Talk about making sure I did not get pregnant as a teen! Holy crap! I am not kidding. I was very nervous of pregnancy. I had one boyfriend that I was intimate with in my teens at 17-18. I held out for awhile too. We were veeeerrrrryyyyy careful.

 

One thing that I DID do was I developed a very indepth fantasy life. I would literally just sit wherever I was and just disappear into another personal world. One where I was admired, in control, there was always a drama that I expertly solved. In fact, the fairy tale stories where the 'princess got saved' held 0 appeal to me. I saved people. I kicked ass and no one could stand up to me. To be completely honest, that fantasy world lasted until I went for trauma therapy and then I just never felt the desire to go back and "live" there like I did.

 

It was so consuming that my daughter is actually named after "my daughter" in that place.

 

It was a source of great shame to me that I had this "secret place" but now I totally see why. I guess that's part of why I "didn't need" drugs to escape. I had my own escape. And in some ways it worked for me for a long time. But in others, it really just underlined how much my reality sucked and how inadequate I truly felt. I couldn't effectively stand up and conquer in real-life, so I had to go somewhere else to do it.

 

When I met my husband, it was like my fantasy life got breathed into life. He was amazing to me. In fact, I was devoted to him in every way, including mentally. It was so shattering to have that dissolve with his infidelity. I couldn't even escape into my "secret place" anymore because the mind movies would play over and over.

 

I was glad when the EMDR stopped that. It almost makes me sound delusional. But I wasn't. I knew what was real and what wasn't. I didn't go around trying to be someone I wasn't. Although, in some ways I did often stand up for strangers and a couple times helped in emergency situations. I learned about "diffusion of responsibility." So if I see something go down, I call someone or if it's too urgent for that, I get involved.

 

The most aggressive people I have met outside of my family actually do not stack up to my father and how he was everyday. My father once tried to kill me by strangulation in my late teens. That's when I moved out on my own. I finished high school and worked at a Taco place to support myself. Anyone that is aggressive outside doesn't tend to want to start much crap with an over-sized woman. Plus even if they did, odds are they won't strangle me, and I already survived that. It might be somewhat reckless. But I won't live in fear of bullies or angry men with an agenda. So many people are intimidated easily. I would think that is because they haven't had to deal with it regularly.

 

Oh girl, hearing your story and just starting a thread in Spirituality because I'm all kinds of happy that after almost 30 plus years of detachment and denial that I'm FINALLY free from it....pissed doesn't even begin to communicate the feelings right now ...THIRTY PLUS YEARS...I want to cuss really bad right now. Online.

 

I know what you are saying. I look at it now and think.... "my whole youth, really? This ate my whole youth?" But I am okay with it for now. When I was suicidal, I didn't expect to make it more than a few months and/or maybe die of cancer or something in some dramatic, tragic death:rolleyes: So I am turning 31 and realized that even with my poor attitude toward health: My life expectancy has been much longer than I could have predicted 10 years ago.

 

It's not that I blame it on my mother- but this can be generational and it was. It wasn't till '93 that some nice people got me into a church were there was some hardcore counseling....but the patterns were already established. As I learned, I tried to teach my kids and thank God most of it was broken- BUT a lot of damage was done...I need to go throw something real fast.

 

Your post really helped me DOT...supposing it's better late than never, meaning the denial thing...but I'm pissed as hell right now.

 

It's weird. It's like "it's your life" but somehow you want to think, "ah nah, it ain't no big thing." But on the other hand "it's your lifeyou get one, so it is a big thing."

 

In one way you don't want to make too much of it, and in another you think "screw this, I am not ignoring that anymore, this stuff happened. Whether they want to acknowledge it or not, here I am. My memories are proof enough for me!"

 

And damned if I am going to spend the next 30 years telling my daughter that how I treat her or don't treat her "is everyone else's fault because Mommy got treated that way too.":rolleyes:

 

I'm glad that you got some help and are trying to snap it all back into place where it was supposed to be.

 

Did you find that when you had your children that you could really see how angry or crazy they must have been to treat you so poorly?

 

I really noticed it when my daughter was 2-3 how she was just a happy, cute little thing and she would do something she knew she wasn't supposed to. Or she'd knock over some milk or something. I didn't think "Oh hey, time to freak out on her until she bawls her eyes out and then start whacking the crap out of her to stop and shame her asking her if she's "trying to be the big winner?" It really put into perspective just how disjointed they really were. And in my Dad's case how he could cope with so little and get so loaded so regularly that he couldn't effectively judge what to do. My Dad though I think has a lot of rage from his own intensely unstable and abusive childhood. I just wish he didn't pass it on. I think he thought that being married to one woman and not using a belt was enough to be a great parent. And toys. I never lacked for toys. I had a million toys and no friends.

 

They completely failed to put the fun back in dysfunctional!

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry PIH, try to read for my responses.

 

The first response isn't in bold. arg.

 

I should've split them up.

[Emilia]

The most damaging thing for me has been the constant lying I think. I don't know whether that fits on this thread strictly speaking but I'd be curious to hear others' experiences.

 

It didn't take me very long to realise that my mother lied a lot either just to make her point or because she believe her own version of events. I remember being about 10-11 years old and she said something about my friends that made me go . She was questioning why I was being friends with them when they did or said this or that and it was confusing because I couldn't remember any of it. Luckily I wasn't a stupid kid and just filed it away without believing it.

 

Those lies are easy to deal with, I've no idea whether they were/are gaslighting category but really I have no evidence that she tells me the truth on anything. It's usually when I question a particular judgement or decision she makes. I do this since she tells me about them and if they have significancy, I'll question them. I'm pretty sure a lot of what I get back as response is lies.

 

Now as an adult I try to read between the lines constantly when it comes to important relationships with people. It has become much better since I realised it but basically my trust issues are related to not being able to trust what I was told growing up.

[pureinheart]

It's weird. It's like "it's your life" but somehow you want to think, "ah nah, it ain't no big thing." But on the other hand "it's your lifeyou get one, so it is a big thing."

 

In one way you don't want to make too much of it, and in another you think "screw this, I am not ignoring that anymore, this stuff happened. Whether they want to acknowledge it or not, here I am. My memories are proof enough for me!"

 

And damned if I am going to spend the next 30 years telling my daughter that how I treat her or don't treat her "is everyone else's fault because Mommy got treated that way too.":rolleyes:

 

I'm glad that you got some help and are trying to snap it all back into place where it was supposed to be.

 

Did you find that when you had your children that you could really see how angry or crazy they must have been to treat you so poorly?

 

I really noticed it when my daughter was 2-3 how she was just a happy, cute little thing and she would do something she knew she wasn't supposed to. Or she'd knock over some milk or something. I didn't think "Oh hey, time to freak out on her until she bawls her eyes out and then start whacking the crap out of her to stop and shame her asking her if she's "trying to be the big winner?" It really put into perspective just how disjointed they really were. And in my Dad's case how he could cope with so little and get so loaded so regularly that he couldn't effectively judge what to do. My Dad though I think has a lot of rage from his own intensely unstable and abusive childhood. I just wish he didn't pass it on. I think he thought that being married to one woman and not using a belt was enough to be a great parent. And toys. I never lacked for toys. I had a million toys and no friends.

 

They completely failed to put the fun back in dysfunctional!

 

Your entire post is amazing, and I don't believe your daughter will have any problems- well she will, but not from you, she'll have those typical growing pains. At 31 I could articulate NOTHING, I existed, hoping things would get better with little or no work on my part. At 27 I started, but there was WAYYYY too much, so I did what I did best- escape.

 

The interesting thing about drugs, street drugs in particular, is they're usually used as an escape, but after a time the reality is back in ones face. This could be why your dad is reactive in negative ways. Who cares about the spilt milk, just clean it up, why get pissed, freak out, whatever.

 

Oh yes! I swore not to be like my mom in certain ways and that was the driver, also hearing my friends parents and some of the tactics and terminology. Like calling their kids stupid, good for nothing, and some of the other wonderful terms. If one wants to set their kid up for disaster, that's a good start.

 

Oh and "stuff" or toys...I bought my kids too. With working so much and being detached as hell, thought buying them off would work- it didn't.

 

You know, if I could help or warn anyone about my life and what happened because of denial, then it's all worth it. I remember a friend of mine, not really resentful, but frustrated that she could help us come to certain places (spiritually) that took her years to learn- she was happy to do it, but I understand her frustration now...that learning curve is a b*tch with a capitol B..lol.

 

I had this really weird thinking...the concept of living forever, but knowing that the lifestyle could take me sooner than expected, so always expected to die t the same time:confused:...well I'm 53 and still here, there must be a reason because by all of the natural laws I shouldn't be.

 

You know, I'm blown away that we're all here (LS) striving to do the right thing, whatever that is, but being open and trying to grow, be the best we can be...some putting links out there that blow my mind as far as growing tools...real eye openers, some validating certain things and others exposing the real issues at hand...stuff that will kill us, or be harmful to us.

 

Hey, in your other post, you spoke of your parents housing location:confused: ...I always thought the rule of thumb is to find an area that is in your income range, find the worst house in that area and fix it up...meaning, if I were looking for a house, I'd pick the neighborhood suited to my income and buy the worst house on the block. I my thinking it's a better investment...lol am an HGTV addict to the max...it's mostly centered around Canada and it's just amazing...anyway, their suggestions are what I described and it makes sense. BTW I absolutely love Canada, my dad loved Canada and every chance he got he was there.

 

According to HGTV, your parents did the bass akwards thing...they'll make money on it, but not like they could have...

[pureinheart]

Sorry PIH, try to read for my responses.

 

The first response isn't in bold. arg.

 

I should've split them up.

 

I got it...and again, it was amazing!