zevahc Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Well, I have to vent..i've known this was coming for awhile. Have been through the situation a few times already and it's hard each time. The MW I had the A with is leaving tomorrow on vacation with her BS. We never had a dday and were in NC for about 1 week...had LC recently, literally a few lines of text. It kills me that she is going on vacation...I know it's what married people do..but this is always the hardest time for me...on one hand its good...NC is stretched out...then in another 5-6 weeks they have another thing. I sense she is on the verge of at least approaching the issues in her M. Part of me wonders (and I welcome comments) is that if me being around as that best friend part of what has allowed her to be a cake eater. The last 3 times I tried to go into NC and LC she made it near impossible by telling me how much she needed me in my life...and that despite what others say we can have a friendship. She even has gone to lengths in the past few months to say I'm the one..and she just needs time to figure it out. I REALLY doubt she's even said a thing to her H about the things that are bothering her and I feel a lot of times that she just feels comfortable because I can't just walk away. All the P stuff stopped a few months ago...but she knows I'm still here for her...huge reason I want to break away...whether or not she chooses at that time to work on things is on her...but I feel like I enable her to feel like she's safe staying in one spot...not forward in her marriage or resolving it... Anyhow..just venting...my mind is consumed with the fact they are going away for a week together...which it shouldn't be...because that's every day!!!
Lillyfree Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 i highly doubt she's said anything - people who are discussing their impending divorce don't go on holidays together ... or at least don't go on holidays and then plan another in a couple of months. you seem to be there when she needs an ego boost. instead, put your foot down, say 'get back to me when you're divorced', and walk away. 5
Author zevahc Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 If there's an emotional connection, even if you're not sleeping together anymore but maintaining a frienship, that's also cake-eating, for sure. She gets her husband, who fulfills a certain criteria, and she gets you, that fulfills the stuff that hubby doesn't. Whilst maintaining this, you maintain the status quo. You don't move on, and she gets everything she needs. If you want to change the situation, ending it is the best thing. You might not motivate her to leave (in fact, that's extremely unlikely), but you will provide yourself the freedom to move on to something better. What happens in the marriage after you leave, is her problem. Completely agree metal chick...just knowing they leave on vacation has me stirred.... I'm doing my best to get to a complete separation from things...i do think it's unlikely she'll do anything. I think she just doesn't have it in her...it's part of what hurts the most. Not that she won't choose me...but that she won't do anything...improve or resolve...it's selfish on my part to want her to figure it out...and i guess give me some closure one way or not...but it's what I want... Just won't happen (i don't think)
Author zevahc Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 i highly doubt she's said anything - people who are discussing their impending divorce don't go on holidays together ... or at least don't go on holidays and then plan another in a couple of months. you seem to be there when she needs an ego boost. instead, put your foot down, say 'get back to me when you're divorced', and walk away. No doubt in my mind she hasn't said anything. She's been fully forthcoming that she hasn't said a thing to him about the issues she has...she's tried a few times to get him to say something...but they both have the same issue...they just ignore it and nobody wants the confrontation. I didn't mean to mislead...she didn't tell me they have discussed anything, she just keeps implying that she wants to...and will at least broach the topic soon. I just know that today/tonight my emotions have been stirred and I needed to vent. My gameplan and the whole reason I've been going to weekly IC is to stay the course...doesn't mean I'm healed or ok...I'm going to individual IC because I need a "coach" and a "cheerleader" to keep me on course to get through this...i feel like i'm so far from getting in the clear that it's not even funny. I hate feeling like i can barely get that breathe I need...and that it might not come for months...or even years...but every day is a day I'm trying to take a step further forward. She just makes it so hard. I've been very clear to her how bad this all hurts me...and that I cannot be in this forever...it's precisely why we ended the PA. She even knows that I can't be in this friendship...it doesn't make sense to me anymore...not because I don't want it...but because I can't heal or be a normal friend...not right now. I wish I could...and maybe one day. But I seriously doubt for a long long time. Probably never. Unless I can completely not love her...it won't happen.
Lillyfree Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 No doubt in my mind she hasn't said anything. She's been fully forthcoming that she hasn't said a thing to him about the issues she has...she's tried a few times to get him to say something...but they both have the same issue...they just ignore it and nobody wants the confrontation. I didn't mean to mislead...she didn't tell me they have discussed anything, she just keeps implying that she wants to...and will at least broach the topic soon. I just know that today/tonight my emotions have been stirred and I needed to vent. My gameplan and the whole reason I've been going to weekly IC is to stay the course...doesn't mean I'm healed or ok...I'm going to individual IC because I need a "coach" and a "cheerleader" to keep me on course to get through this...i feel like i'm so far from getting in the clear that it's not even funny. I hate feeling like i can barely get that breathe I need...and that it might not come for months...or even years...but every day is a day I'm trying to take a step further forward. She just makes it so hard. I've been very clear to her how bad this all hurts me...and that I cannot be in this forever...it's precisely why we ended the PA. She even knows that I can't be in this friendship...it doesn't make sense to me anymore...not because I don't want it...but because I can't heal or be a normal friend...not right now. I wish I could...and maybe one day. But I seriously doubt for a long long time. Probably never. Unless I can completely not love her...it won't happen. i'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. i understand how hard it is at the moment... but it does get easier. the only way for you to heal is to completely detach, and that means NC. LC only prolongs the hurt for you; for her, she's got a foot in the door and validation from someone outside her marriage. and i'm sorry to say this - but she's not a friend to you. especially after you've told her how much it hurts you. if she were a true friend she would leave you alone, not keep you on a string. these are actions of a selfish person. it will be hard, i know. but you have just started, and first couple of months are hell. you just need to stick it out. 1
spice4life Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Zevahc, you've have to get out for you're own sanity as hard as that seems right now. This could go on for years if you let it. Believe me, this will never get any easier for you because you're not wired the way she is. She's fine with multitasking relationships and from reading your posts, it is clear that your not. Stay strong and allow yourself to sit through the pain and let her go. For your own sake and for your daughter's sake too. Being involved wih her while she's married is taking away the emotional energy you need to focus on you and your daughter. I know it's really hard right now, but you will heal. 2
Author zevahc Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 i'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation. i understand how hard it is at the moment... but it does get easier. the only way for you to heal is to completely detach, and that means NC. LC only prolongs the hurt for you; for her, she's got a foot in the door and validation from someone outside her marriage. and i'm sorry to say this - but she's not a friend to you. especially after you've told her how much it hurts you. if she were a true friend she would leave you alone, not keep you on a string. these are actions of a selfish person. it will be hard, i know. but you have just started, and first couple of months are hell. you just need to stick it out. She keeps telling me how selfish she is...and that's was part of why we broke it off. She's told me that she wants me to be happy and move on...and that if she in fact at some point finds herself single...or has the guts to say something in her marriage...well, then maybe I'll be availble.., she's not asking me not to move one...she just makes it very very difficult.
Lillyfree Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 She keeps telling me how selfish she is...and that's was part of why we broke it off. She's told me that she wants me to be happy and move on...and that if she in fact at some point finds herself single...or has the guts to say something in her marriage...well, then maybe I'll be availble.., she's not asking me not to move one...she just makes it very very difficult. you're allowing her to make it difficult. put yourself first. 2
Author zevahc Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Zevahc, you've have to get out for you're own sanity as hard as that seems right now. This could go on for years if you let it. Believe me, this will never get any easier for you because you're not wired the way she is. She's fine with multitasking relationships and from reading your posts, it is clear that your not. Stay strong and allow yourself to sit through the pain and let her go. For your own sake and for your daughter's sake too. Being involved wih her while she's married is taking away the emotional energy you need to focus on you and your daughter. I know it's really hard right now, but you will heal. I know you're right...and believe me i'm trying...it's a day by day thing...and i feel like it's getting better. I don't want it to go on for years...i get closer to sustained NC each time. And it also gets easier....this vacation of hers helps...forced NC and I'm hoping can kick start a longer or permanent NC. When she returns she'll be gone for work..then i'm on vacation etc...so it's possible we'll have a solid 3 week NC. And I think that's what I need for a good kick start. I hate feeling like I have no control over my life...it's the whole reason I went to IC. This is NOT me..it's not who I am. I've always been able to end relationships when they were not the right one for me. I remain friends with almost every ex i have because i've always ended them at the right time and because it was the right thing....i'm friends with almost all but my ex wife. And those are healthy positive relationships with good boundaries...how i can't do it now is beyond me!
Goodbye Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Yes, she is a big time cake eater. As others have noted, and I'm sure you understand, friendship just isn't possible in this situation. You have emotional desires she cannot fill and she wants you to fill the needs not filled by her husband. Ouch. I know it hurts, but be done. Don't be the leftover. I can relate to the pain you are feeling with the vacation. That would sting. I remember my exMM went away on a "guys weekend." I knew he was lying and he was away with his wife. I had such intrusive thoughts of what they were doing, how they were spending their time. It is such as HUGE waste of emotional energy. I know you can't just shut off your feelings, but you need to try and minimize the time you spend thinking about her...or at least try and dedicate equal time to the things you didn't like about the relationship.
Author zevahc Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 you're allowing her to make it difficult. put yourself first. you're exactly right...like i said...i'm the enabler for her, spoon feeding her the cake... I want to tell her... "look, if you really cared about me you would leave me alone and quit stringing me along....please leave me alone and let me heal"...but for some reason I can't or haven't...i've come very close. In not so many words I've said it once...and she left me alone for 2 days...then came apologizing.
Author zevahc Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Yes, she is a big time cake eater. As others have noted, and I'm sure you understand, friendship just isn't possible in this situation. You have emotional desires she cannot fill and she wants you to fill the needs not filled by her husband. Ouch. I know it hurts, but be done. Don't be the leftover. I can relate to the pain you are feeling with the vacation. That would sting. I remember my exMM went away on a "guys weekend." I knew he was lying and he was away with his wife. I had such intrusive thoughts of what they were doing, how they were spending their time. It is such as HUGE waste of emotional energy. I know you can't just shut off your feelings, but you need to try and minimize the time you spend thinking about her...or at least try and dedicate equal time to the things you didn't like about the relationship. Only thing I haven't liked about the relationship is that she's unavailable...yes, it's a huge one and should be enough. And I'm beginning to be able to see that I am leftovers...and it makes it hurt. She even recently told me that i'm not #2, I'm #1...but then again...that even makes me mad...because REALLY? That's not true....it's a lie... 1
Lillyfree Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 you're exactly right...like i said...i'm the enabler for her, spoon feeding her the cake... I want to tell her... "look, if you really cared about me you would leave me alone and quit stringing me along....please leave me alone and let me heal"...but for some reason I can't or haven't...i've come very close. In not so many words I've said it once...and she left me alone for 2 days...then came apologizing. just say it. you have no idea how liberating being completely honest and open can be in a situation like this you will feel a relief. and a sense of pride and accomplishment. because you will be refusing to be an emotional fluffer. you will be putting yourself first... as lady grey said - get pissed off. use her vacation as a chance/excuse to go NC. block her if you have to. it's amazing how much we change in a couple of weeks of NC - for me, that's when the anger kicked in. and i made the most of it 5
DelusionalOne Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 The last 3 times I tried to go into NC and LC she made it near impossible by telling me how much she needed me in my life...and that despite what others say we can have a friendship. She even has gone to lengths in the past few months to say I'm the one..and she just needs time to figure it out. Zevahc, you do realize that this is emotional blackmail right? Whether or not it is deliberate... it's wrong. You don't do that to people you love. Reading your posts... you have it all figured out. But knowing something and really admitting it to yourself... two entirely different things. There is no need for her to change things... they are perfect for her just as they are. But you got a really good indication, just the other day, on what would happen if a D-Day happened. She shut you down, instantly. Those red flags slapping you in the head yet? You KNOW what she would do if her H found out. My guess...he's on the scent.... and he's looking. I don't think it will be long. Please extricate yourself from this before that happens.... you think this sucks? Wait until THAT happens. 5
whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Yes you are helping her have her cake and eat it too. She gets the benefits of staying married, living the life she's gotten used to, has her husband, her friends, neighbours, in laws, family etc.. She then has you on the side to fulfill her other needs. It's ALL about HER. Seriously, when was the last time she asked you about YOU and what is going on in your life? Stop putting her first and prioritize your own life. She has hers in place, now it's time for you to do the same thing. To you, she is your everything, it's more than just an A (EA) and to her it IS just an A (EA) because she has a life built with someone else, she has a husband already and her main focus isn't on you. End it. She is living 'life' with her H, going on holidays with him. It upsets you, makes you feel hurt, jealous and crazy, walk away. What you are doing to yourself, hanging onto this woman is only hurting you more and more each day. Enough already! Tell her to go suck an egg (jokes)! Do stand up to her and tell her you're sick and tired of being second fiddle, that you deserve better and more!! She is not leaving or divorcing her husband anytime soon, you know this so stop giving yourself hope and stop allowing her to manipulate you. If you keep on this path, your life will continue to be lonely and sad. You waiting for her, your life on hold! End it and grieve the loss once and for all. 3
Author zevahc Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 It's time to get pissed off z, instead of letting her pee on you. Pretty words don't mean a thing at the end of the day. Her actions show you she likes cake and is going to eat it as long as you allow it. Do you truly understand what NC is? If not, please look it up. Carhill and taramaiden have a link in their sigs. This light contact thing is just rationalization that you are doing in your own head. Endings hurt.........they hurt bad, but you can survive it, and you can learn something and find someone who is deserving of all this love. It is so NOT her! Stop wasting it on this and her. She isn't worth it. Thanks for keeping it real. I do understand what NC is, but I will read it again to recharge. NC has been broken 3 different times since January...each time it gets longer....or goes from NC to LC...then I get back to "let's do NC again"...for my health. I get it...i'm enabling her to have her cake. I'm getting there....this has been a process. Truthfully much harder than when I was the BS. Only because I didn't have to do anythign there....except heal. Healing was hard....but...it wasn't a willpower thing....it was just a time thing....super depressed then...but i didn't have choices...just moving forward and raising a kid. Now...i go through bouts of depressed, happy, sad, happy, frustrated...etc...the cycle is exhausting...i want NORMAL....this isn't normal...it's not me. Ok..done venting..goodnight everyone..and thank you for keeping it real and listening to my rant....definitely feels good to be put back in check for now 2
Author zevahc Posted May 24, 2013 Author Posted May 24, 2013 Zevahc, you do realize that this is emotional blackmail right? Whether or not it is deliberate... it's wrong. You don't do that to people you love. Reading your posts... you have it all figured out. But knowing something and really admitting it to yourself... two entirely different things. There is no need for her to change things... they are perfect for her just as they are. But you got a really good indication, just the other day, on what would happen if a D-Day happened. She shut you down, instantly. Those red flags slapping you in the head yet? You KNOW what she would do if her H found out. My guess...he's on the scent.... and he's looking. I don't think it will be long. Please extricate yourself from this before that happens.... you think this sucks? Wait until THAT happens. You know what..! I'm gonna resist the urge to text her and say exactly this tonight....because she leaves tomorrow ok vaca. I'll wait the week until she is back. Or even 3 weeks until all the travel and stuff is over if I can use this for NC. But this is exactly what I needed to hear. I want to point out how quick she shut down when she thought there was a dday and I'm not playing this game...it is a load of crap. It is slapping me in the head. 3
Praying4Peace Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Please read that NC Guide, it will empower you. Let your MOW see her life, as she chooses it to be, in real technicolor. Right now she thinks she's such a martyr...being nice to you ('oh move on...I'm no good for you'), staying in her marriage and being responsible. *Sigh* such hard work! But in reality she's eating cake. You know this. One of two things will happen when you go NC and you'll never know which: 1) She finds that though she misses you, she's okay and she remains married, either happily or crappily. 2) She finds that her days and nights were bearable because she had you in the background as her romantic fallback guy. Her Prince is outside whenever she needs him. How romantic. Makes life bearable...and she can LC you every now and then to make sure you are there and also 'be nice' to you for being so loyal. Look, she's not evil, these things can be subconscious and not entirely intentional. You have to create a 'precipitating event' or this situation can go on for years. There are people here who have been in 8 year Affairs! By that time she'll be tired of you anyway, she'll blame you for always pressuring her, she'll tell you that she very clearly said 'you deserve more, go find another', and she'll think her H is gods-gift because of her guilt. You keep going down on the food chain and her H keeps going up. The 3 week NC is going to be perfect for you. A forced 3 weeker is what made NC finally stick for me. Oh yeah, I was a barely functioning human at that time.
Quiet Storm Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 Yes, she is still cake eating. For many women, the physical aspect of an affair isn't the main need for them. The primary need the that OM is fulfilling is emotional. They may feel emotionally disconnected from their husbands, and OM provides the attention and the validation that they are not getting from their marriages. So by being a friend, you are still meeting her emotional needs. She is not feeling the void in her marriage, because you are filling it. Most cakeeaters want to stay married. They usually love their spouse, and wish their spouse would meet the missing needs. Their optimal situation would be that the spouse meets their needs 100%. When the spouse is not capable of meeting their needs, or refuses to meet those needs, the cheating spouse seeks to get those needs met outside of the marriage. It means that her needs are met. She is fulfilled. But her needs are met by two people, instead of one. So by being available to meet those needs, you are supplementing the marriage. Your presense is making their home life better & less stressful (on the surface, anyway). She has an outlet for her emotions. If her husband doesn't like dealing with her emotions, he is no longer being bothered to meet her needs. She is no longer feeling the stress of that. 4
Author zevahc Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Thank you all for your replies. I felt like crap last night...but i sat and thought today about everything I read here on this post. Everyone is spot on about her eating cake (me providing it easily), and just the fact that she only needs me to fill that emotional need is obvious. She has told me point blank that she loves her husband...but that he's not "the one". That is enough for me to know this is a never ending saga if I let it be....i found myself angry today...that i'm such an idiot...i started feeling better and more fueled throughout the day....and while I'm sure i'll have more hard days I'm looking forward to this first week with complete NC, hoping it helps fuel me onto 3-4 weeks...and so on and so forth...I told myself earlier today that I'll make it a game and see how long I can make it...my brain works on a competitive level...so i'm competing with myself to be good at it now....whatever works, right? 4
DelusionalOne Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Angry is good. It will get you thru a few days. But it will come and go. The hard part is going to be the first time she contacts you and you have to ignore/reject her. That will suck and probably have you second guessing. Forewarned is forearmed. 2
Author zevahc Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 Angry is good. It will get you thru a few days. But it will come and go. The hard part is going to be the first time she contacts you and you have to ignore/reject her. That will suck and probably have you second guessing. Forewarned is forearmed. I have thought about that also. Honestly, this is part of my homework from IC. I'm supposed to figure out what life is like without her in the picture and be prepared to talk about it. It seems pretty obvious to me but IC does help some. I a lot of times feel like this board is a better resource than IC but I'm staying the course with everything because I want success and feel I need all the support I can get. I don't like failing! 3
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I have thought about that also. Honestly, this is part of my homework from IC. I'm supposed to figure out what life is like without her in the picture and be prepared to talk about it. It seems pretty obvious to me but IC does help some. I a lot of times feel like this board is a better resource than IC but I'm staying the course with everything because I want success and feel I need all the support I can get. I don't like failing! You will only fail if you throw in the towel and continue your A with your MW. Bottom line is, she does love her husband and you as well, but she loves herself more. And that 'more' means the life she has created with her H, and she is not going to give all that up for you. If she truly loved you enough, she WOULD divorce and be with you. People divorce all the time, quickly might I add too if need be. She just wants you in her life as an affair partner! You want more, but you will never get it from her. So, screw that. GET MAD! BE fed up! Cut her out of your life and continue posting on here, write to all of us when you feel like reaching out to her, post here instead. Rely on your therapist, good friends too to help you through this. KEEP BUSY! Join a gym and punch the crap out of that punching bag a few times a week. 2
Author zevahc Posted May 25, 2013 Author Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) You will only fail if you throw in the towel and continue your A with your MW. Bottom line is, she does love her husband and you as well, but she loves herself more. And that 'more' means the life she has created with her H, and she is not going to give all that up for you. If she truly loved you enough, she WOULD divorce and be with you. People divorce all the time, quickly might I add too if need be. She just wants you in her life as an affair partner! You want more, but you will never get it from her. So, screw that. GET MAD! BE fed up! Cut her out of your life and continue posting on here, write to all of us when you feel like reaching out to her, post here instead. Rely on your therapist, good friends too to help you through this. KEEP BUSY! Join a gym and punch the crap out of that punching bag a few times a week. That's been one of the bigger issues...until I found this place...and got an IC. I couldn't talk to anyone. My friends (save one that doesn't live in state) DO NOT know....and i won't tell anyone. Edited May 25, 2013 by zevahc
anne1707 Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Zevkahc The lines your MW is feeding you are almost word for word the lines I would feed to the exOM. But as others have said, it was purely about eating that damn cake. I would just keep him hanging on in the backgound so I knew he was there. If I felt he was backing off, I would start doing the but this is so hard for me, blah, blah blah routine to persuade him to put his life on hold again. Throughout all this, I never wanted to leave my H. My primary focus was me and my selfish needs. You need to start putting yourself first. Take back control of your life and doing things you want to do with people who genuinely want to be with you and are able to be with you.
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