Goodbye Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 I'm glad you are waking up to the fact that you are a big ol' slice of cake. I was too. Sweet, frosted cake...and plenty of it. Not anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 25, 2013 Author Share Posted May 25, 2013 Zevkahc The lines your MW is feeding you are almost word for word the lines I would feed to the exOM. But as others have said, it was purely about eating that damn cake. I would just keep him hanging on in the backgound so I knew he was there. If I felt he was backing off, I would start doing the but this is so hard for me, blah, blah blah routine to persuade him to put his life on hold again. Throughout all this, I never wanted to leave my H. My primary focus was me and my selfish needs. You need to start putting yourself first. Take back control of your life and doing things you want to do with people who genuinely want to be with you and are able to be with you. Thanks Anne for keeping it in perspective. I've felt this was the case for awhile. Almost makes me sick to my stomach. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 You know what..! I'm gonna resist the urge to text her and say exactly this tonight....because she leaves tomorrow ok vaca. I'll wait the week until she is back. Or even 3 weeks until all the travel and stuff is over if I can use this for NC. But this is exactly what I needed to hear. I want to point out how quick she shut down when she thought there was a dday and I'm not playing this game...it is a load of crap. It is slapping me in the head. Hi z..... Just wanted to add....I was in a A for 7 years....and the thing that made me runnnnnnnnnn was him being on vacation with the wife. It was about 3 years ago...he went to the beach for 2 weeks...and I lost it! He was calling me for his entertainment, ego building and sexual flings over the phone. And it hit me...right there on the phone with him...I thought to myself and said it out loud "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING"? and I lost ALL respect for him and myself. From that day on I started pulling away BIG TIME and kicked his sorry arse to the curb. Jack Ass is his name now. I have become MUCH stronger since my days with the JA.....you can too! I felt I was being used in a bad way...and I am TOO GOOD of a person to be someone's second best. Oh HELL TO THE NO! She will never leave her husband just like MM would never leave his wife. They are where they want to be! Hugs to you..... Lost.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 25, 2013 Author Share Posted May 25, 2013 Hi z..... Just wanted to add....I was in a A for 7 years....and the thing that made me runnnnnnnnnn was him being on vacation with the wife. It was about 3 years ago...he went to the beach for 2 weeks...and I lost it! He was calling me for his entertainment, ego building and sexual flings over the phone. And it hit me...right there on the phone with him...I thought to myself and said it out loud "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING"? and I lost ALL respect for him and myself. From that day on I started pulling away BIG TIME and kicked his sorry arse to the curb. Jack Ass is his name now. I have become MUCH stronger since my days with the JA.....you can too! I felt I was being used in a bad way...and I am TOO GOOD of a person to be someone's second best. Oh HELL TO THE NO! She will never leave her husband just like MM would never leave his wife. They are where they want to be! Hugs to you..... Lost.... Thank you Lost...I've been on here for the most part to gain this perspective...I see my siutation is not unique and it empowers me...I've eaten told her a few weeks ago she is just eating cake...and that it won't change....but I do blame myself for allowing it so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 Thank you Lost...I've been on here for the most part to gain this perspective...I see my siutation is not unique and it empowers me...I've eaten told her a few weeks ago she is just eating cake...and that it won't change....but I do blame myself for allowing it so long. z... It all takes time....Believe me YOU WILL GET THERE! And when you do...you will feel incredible. Keep posting here..the LS posters are some of the most intelligent, caring people here on this planet! Love....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 25, 2013 Author Share Posted May 25, 2013 z... It all takes time....Believe me YOU WILL GET THERE! And when you do...you will feel incredible. Keep posting here..the LS posters are some of the most intelligent, caring people here on this planet! Love....... Thanks Love....i DO feel like i'll get there...and finding this forum is a prayer come true. It has helped so much. I feel stronger and better each day. I almost feel like I laned in an abusive relationship that I can't find the strength to leave....but each passing moment, day, and awareness or rather acceptance of truth helps me grown stronger. One thing that bothers me...and i see a lot of people share this on here...is this need for closure...for some reason, I want answers. I want to know why....what she is thinking, why she thinks it etc...when in reality, I think she is probably just as lost and confused as I am. I know the truth is...she has stability in her current relationship and I provide the "cake" so to speak...but I truly think her as the WS doesn't really know what or where the end game is either...it's really two lost people caught in a bad situation. So there really is no "closure", only moving on...I have to accept that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 Thanks Love....i DO feel like i'll get there...and finding this forum is a prayer come true. It has helped so much. I feel stronger and better each day. I almost feel like I laned in an abusive relationship that I can't find the strength to leave....but each passing moment, day, and awareness or rather acceptance of truth helps me grown stronger. One thing that bothers me...and i see a lot of people share this on here...is this need for closure...for some reason, I want answers. I want to know why....what she is thinking, why she thinks it etc...when in reality, I think she is probably just as lost and confused as I am. I know the truth is...she has stability in her current relationship and I provide the "cake" so to speak...but I truly think her as the WS doesn't really know what or where the end game is either...it's really two lost people caught in a bad situation. So there really is no "closure", only moving on...I have to accept that. Brother, I hear ya ten thousand times. You want answers, why did she do this to you, did any of it mean anything to her, were they just words, did she ever truly intend to be with you, and the list of questions will go on and on. They will bother you from time to time but if you let the NC stick and you steer clear for a good time you will give yourself the answers you need to keep moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 25, 2013 Author Share Posted May 25, 2013 Brother, I hear ya ten thousand times. You want answers, why did she do this to you, did any of it mean anything to her, were they just words, did she ever truly intend to be with you, and the list of questions will go on and on. They will bother you from time to time but if you let the NC stick and you steer clear for a good time you will give yourself the answers you need to keep moving forward. Ultimately that is what I felt like made it so hard to get over my ex when I was the BS 10 years ago. In the end I just ended up not caring what those answers were. And there weren't good ones anyways...it took me 3 years to stop at least feeling like I loved or cared for her, but I think it was because I was searching for answers and I couldn't rid her from my life (we had a kid). I'm working through some similar emotions. Difference being there is nothing tying me to her other than I felt much different with her. It was more real etc...and I have to come to terms with the facts are still the facts. And it's time to be happy with an available person. Make someone else that person I share and enjoy life with. I want to marry a best friend... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 Make your own closure by learning from this. Knowing that obviously if she wasn't married, who knows, maybe the two of you would have had a great relationship. But, that isn't ever gonna happen. Forgive yourself and forgive her. See her as a broken woman who is selfish and has no issues selfishly (not maliciously) hurting both you and her H. She is far from perfect! Don't ever put her on that pedestal either. Closure really does come within. Even if she told what you she was feeling and thinking, how long would it take you to wonder if she was telling you what you wanted to hear, if it was really true or not? It's like one question and her answer will lead to other questions, that may not be good enough. You know how you felt about her and obviously she cared about you. It just wasn't enough to for her to end things and start over with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 thisMake your own closure by learning from . Knowing that obviously if she wasn't married, who knows, maybe the two of you would have had a great relationship. But, that isn't ever gonna happen. Forgive yourself and forgive her. See her as a broken woman who is selfish and has no issues selfishly (not maliciously) hurting both you and her H. She is far from perfect! Don't ever put her on that pedestal either. Closure really does come within. Even if she told what you she was feeling and thinking, how long would it take you to wonder if she was telling you what you wanted to hear, if it was really true or not? It's like one question and her answer will lead to other questions, that may not be good enough. You know how you felt about her and obviously she cared about you. It just wasn't enough to for her to end things and start over with you. Great Answer! There it is z....... wwiup hit the nail right on the head! Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 Make your own closure by learning from this. Knowing that obviously if she wasn't married, who knows, maybe the two of you would have had a great relationship. But, that isn't ever gonna happen. Forgive yourself and forgive her. See her as a broken woman who is selfish and has no issues selfishly (not maliciously) hurting both you and her H. She is far from perfect! Don't ever put her on that pedestal either. Closure really does come within. Even if she told what you she was feeling and thinking, how long would it take you to wonder if she was telling you what you wanted to hear, if it was really true or not? It's like one question and her answer will lead to other questions, that may not be good enough. You know how you felt about her and obviously she cared about you. It just wasn't enough to for her to end things and start over with you. Past few weeks reading on here. Great post... I sat and thought about it past day and realize I'm probably more of the problem than her. She has already told me to move on and that she has to at least take a shot at her marriage. She made her choice, I just can't or haven't been able to accept it as truth. So that is my fault. Where she makes it hard is she wants to continue in a friendship and that is impossible right away. So she makes it very hard. She does say things that keep me wishing or wanting. But it's my fault for not listening and walking away and healing on my terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 Past few weeks reading on here. Great post... I sat and thought about it past day and realize I'm probably more of the problem than her. She has already told me to move on and that she has to at least take a shot at her marriage. She made her choice, I just can't or haven't been able to accept it as truth. So that is my fault. Where she makes it hard is she wants to continue in a friendship and that is impossible right away. So she makes it very hard. She does say things that keep me wishing or wanting. But it's my fault for not listening and walking away and healing on my terms. If she wants a friendship and is saying things to lead you on, she's still part of the problem. Don't be so hard on yourself. She's keeping you hanging on in case she decides its "YOU". But her fallback position, which she'll keep as long as possible, is to make NO decision and keep both of you hanging on. It's extremely unhealthy. I think you are going to come out of this stronger and healthier and ready to face anything : ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 Past few weeks reading on here. Great post... I sat and thought about it past day and realize I'm probably more of the problem than her. She has already told me to move on and that she has to at least take a shot at her marriage. She made her choice, I just can't or haven't been able to accept it as truth. So that is my fault. Where she makes it hard is she wants to continue in a friendship and that is impossible right away. So she makes it very hard. She does say things that keep me wishing or wanting. But it's my fault for not listening and walking away and healing on my terms. Yes, she made her choice. To stay married and give her marriage a real shot at working again. Her consquence to that though is, losing you. She cannot have you in her life, even as a casual buddy/friend. It just doesn't work that way and it certainly isn't fair to you. You two can never 'be friends' again because of the A. You'll always be a distraction/threat to her marriage and her to you, she'll be a distraction, preventing you from closing your heart from her and moving on, to find love again with someone else. She is selfishly hanging onto you and that's not healthy for either of you! Especially you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 Past few weeks reading on here. Great post... I sat and thought about it past day and realize I'm probably more of the problem than her. She has already told me to move on and that she has to at least take a shot at her marriage. She made her choice, I just can't or haven't been able to accept it as truth. So that is my fault. Where she makes it hard is she wants to continue in a friendship and that is impossible right away. So she makes it very hard. She does say things that keep me wishing or wanting. But it's my fault for not listening and walking away and healing on my terms. Handing her all your power isn't healthy for you. Take control of your happiness! Yes, you may have handed her the power over you - but you CAN change that now! A friendship? No way!!! That's for HER benefit (so you don't get interested in someone new, so you don't start dating, so she can continue to manipulate and control you). It leaves no room for you to find an available gal. Just stop responding to her, go silent! Block her. When you MAKE room for someone new - you will have the space to be interested in a new woman. IF you ALLOW he MW to greedily occupy all that space in your head and heart - you won't have the open space for someone new. Start living for you - your happiness! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 Yes, she made her choice. To stay married and give her marriage a real shot at working again. Her consquence to that though is, losing you. She cannot have you in her life, even as a casual buddy/friend. It just doesn't work that way and it certainly isn't fair to you. You two can never 'be friends' again because of the A. You'll always be a distraction/threat to her marriage and her to you, she'll be a distraction, preventing you from closing your heart from her and moving on, to find love again with someone else. She is selfishly hanging onto you and that's not healthy for either of you! Especially you! It should be obvious, but that's exactly what I was told in IC. I get that...the past few weeks have been eye opening...IC has really helped, but I think it has been a combination of the IC and validation through reading the exact same things on here...once again, should all be obvious, but this is about encouragement and empowering myself to stick to my guns...NC has been good past few days...it's helped me gain some clarity. In my last post, I was only being hard on myself because I truly believe that I have to make my own choices...she isn't going to make them for me, and likely won't make the one in my best interest. Sure she is part of the problem, but ultimately only I can control my future and my situation. In that regard I don't feel like pointing fingers or blame...regardless of what she's said or does. I have to be the one who cares more about me and my future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 Honor yourself - more than you honor her. Tap into the power that tells you - you deserve better than to participate in someone else's marriage! DO what's right - it may help to think of how her H must feel if he were able to see how you participate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 It should be obvious, but that's exactly what I was told in IC. I get that...the past few weeks have been eye opening...IC has really helped, but I think it has been a combination of the IC and validation through reading the exact same things on here...once again, should all be obvious, but this is about encouragement and empowering myself to stick to my guns...NC has been good past few days...it's helped me gain some clarity. In my last post, I was only being hard on myself because I truly believe that I have to make my own choices...she isn't going to make them for me, and likely won't make the one in my best interest. Sure she is part of the problem, but ultimately only I can control my future and my situation. In that regard I don't feel like pointing fingers or blame...regardless of what she's said or does. I have to be the one who cares more about me and my future. Z...May I ask how old you are? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 Z...May I ask how old you are? I'm mid 30's...in another post (and I think this thread), I indicated I've been the BS before. I was about 23 years old when that happened. I thought I would NEVER be who I've become. I'm not a bad person. This is against ever fiber of who I am. I've never cheated, never considered it, never wanted to. When this began I truly felt blessed by the friendship and enjoyed so much. I've had many female friendships that never crossed boundaries...and many with married women I might add. Several of my great friends are married women (none know about this). This happened so slowly until one day the line got crossed. I can say I've learned some things....one, never to say never. Second, that perhaps all those other friendships were but a few steps away from disaster if that other person made a move. I won't ever regret the love I feel for this person...but I just am sad that I let it happen how it happened and go to the extent it did. I know how the H would feel if he knew....i've been there. It's what has led me to crawling out of this hole...I WANT to do the right thing by everyone...and more than ever, for me and my future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 It should be obvious, but that's exactly what I was told in IC. I get that...the past few weeks have been eye opening...IC has really helped, but I think it has been a combination of the IC and validation through reading the exact same things on here...once again, should all be obvious, but this is about encouragement and empowering myself to stick to my guns...NC has been good past few days...it's helped me gain some clarity. In my last post, I was only being hard on myself because I truly believe that I have to make my own choices...she isn't going to make them for me, and likely won't make the one in my best interest. Sure she is part of the problem, but ultimately only I can control my future and my situation. In that regard I don't feel like pointing fingers or blame...regardless of what she's said or does. I have to be the one who cares more about me and my future. This is so true zevahc...especially the part in bold. Now you have to hold onto this like it's a life raft when you're feeling weak and want to give in. I certainly know how you're feeling. You want to believe the person you're sharing intimate parts of your life with feels the same about you. It's hard to think of your situation as typical because you want to believe they are a better person and that what you have is special and means something. That's why it's so hard not to respond when they contact you. But, in the end, you know in your heart what the reality is and that you do have choices; you can chose to continue allowing contact and hurting yourself or you can chose to close the door and heal. They really do not factor into this because the power to do what's best for you is your responsibility. If you walk away you are doing her a favor in a sense because you relieving not only yourself of the pain the affair causes, you are relieving her of it as well. Someone has to have the strength to stop the madness right? It also shows that you do truely care for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 This is so true zevahc...especially the part in bold. Now you have to hold onto this like it's a life raft when you're feeling weak and want to give in. I certainly know how you're feeling. You want to believe the person you're sharing intimate parts of your life with feels the same about you. It's hard to think of your situation as typical because you want to believe they are a better person and that what you have is special and means something. That's why it's so hard not to respond when they contact you. But, in the end, you know in your heart what the reality is and that you do have choices; you can chose to continue allowing contact and hurting yourself or you can chose to close the door and heal. They really do not factor into this because the power to do what's best for you is your responsibility. If you walk away you are doing her a favor in a sense because you relieving not only yourself of the pain the affair causes, you are relieving her of it as well. Someone has to have the strength to stop the madness right? It also shows that you do truely care for her. It's funny you mention this..because our last conversation was exactly this...I asked the words...who is going to be the strong one...one of us has to. And that means one of us almost has to be the #@$ and hurt someone here...commit to saying....I can't and won't talk to you anymore. It's looking like it will be me. I'm getting there...day by day, moment by moment. I had hoped we could just come up with some terms (it's fantasy I know)...like...hey, let's agree we won't talk, or contact one another until Sep. 1 or something to that effect...doesn't work!!! Anyhow...I agree. I love her and told her that I want her to really be able to figure her life out one or the other...she's never truly worked on things...and she says she is...but that's impossible based on how she keeps coming back to me for her emotional connection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 I'm mid 30's...in another post (and I think this thread), I indicated I've been the BS before. I was about 23 years old when that happened. I thought I would NEVER be who I've become. I'm not a bad person. This is against ever fiber of who I am. I've never cheated, never considered it, never wanted to. When this began I truly felt blessed by the friendship and enjoyed so much. I've had many female friendships that never crossed boundaries...and many with married women I might add. Several of my great friends are married women (none know about this). This happened so slowly until one day the line got crossed. I can say I've learned some things....one, never to say never. Second, that perhaps all those other friendships were but a few steps away from disaster if that other person made a move. I won't ever regret the love I feel for this person...but I just am sad that I let it happen how it happened and go to the extent it did. I know how the H would feel if he knew....i've been there. It's what has led me to crawling out of this hole...I WANT to do the right thing by everyone...and more than ever, for me and my future. Of course you're not a bad person. That's evident in your posts. You only made a mistake and you're allowed because you're human. Someone said this to me once and it has stuck with me, "It's not about how you fall; it's about how you choose to land." There is a lesson in all of this for you - to help you in life as you move forward - and that is the silver lining. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 Of course you're not a bad person. That's evident in your posts. You only made a mistake and you're allowed because you're human. Someone said this to me once and it has stuck with me, "It's not about how you fall; it's about how you choose to land." There is a lesson in all of this for you - to help you in life as you move forward - and that is the silver lining. Thank you again. Forgiving myself has been its own journey. I'm not there. But its part of me being whole for my futures spouse and for my kid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zevahc Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 Can of derailing my own thread...but I'll never understand men/women who can keep it platanoic. It wasn't the P aspects that kept me in this...sure it was nice..but I truly L this person...I don't see how people can jump from one to the next PA and not really care...that isn't me...that's why I had to get out...i care too much for her..and i guess everyone else involved..everything and everyone consumes my thoughts...about how it impacts them Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 zevahc, I think you're doing beautifully in such a conflicted and heartbreaking stitch! You state for Your future W and dughter. This clearly shows that you are acknowledging you are not where you want to be to attain the future you want. Stay STRONG my friend. Say goodbye for now to this M cheating person that you love so you can learn to love Yourself More** 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 First rule of engagement is: Do not engage! Don't reach out - don't respond! When YOU ignore her long enough - she will go away! She will most likely find another man to fill your shoes. Get busy finding someone available. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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