Walk out and end mind games?

[tuberose]

Married for 4 years. Husband throws around the D word like its nothing. He wants me to leave at the drop of a hat. We had our second child 5m ago, she was accidentally concieved. We had problems in our marriage back then too, but i had her anyway mostly because he wanted me to. My worst fear was to be a single mom to two young kids, so i made him promise that we wont talk about divorcing again EVER unless i do something majorly wrong (like cheating on him, which I did not do). He agreed, and after that its the same story again. Today we had a fight and he has given me until june to leave. I waited until he was cool headed and asked him if he meant it and he said yes. I asked him if he remembers that he promised me that he will never talk about divorcing again, he said yes. What does he want?? This has happened sooooooo many times, he changes his mind at the last moment always and convinces me to stay just to repeat it at some point in the future. Whenever this happens, i cry, i yell but finally end up begging him not to make me go. He does not give inand when im just about to leave, he makes me stay. I'm really tired of his games, should I just leave this time? i'm from a different country, one time he booked my ticket for thousands of dollars and cancelled it last minute after i begged him thus losing all that money. So i cannot take that chance again. I have no job, my kids and i are completely financially dependant on him.

[CC12]

Whenever this happens, i cry, i yell but finally end up begging him not to make me go.

 

Don't yell or cry or beg. Don't react at all. Next time he tells you to leave, just ignore it. I know it's easier said than done, but you're allowing his threats to have too much power.

 

And I'm curious. Why should you be the one to leave? If he wants to separate, let him leave. It doesn't matter if he technically owns the house. You and your children are residents there. He can't just throw you out. It's illegal. You do not have to leave and you should not leave. And he cannot just ship you back to your home country. You have rights. Learn about them and use them to your advantage.

 

Next time he asks you to go, just refuse.

[Simpleoldschool]

Please entertain me for a moment as i make this post.

 

First i want you to come to a place in your mind for a second that brings you peace.

 

i want you to picture this man nice, all the time. loving gentle sweet and caring. someone who holds you. someone you arent fighting with. I want you to picture a glass of wine being shared between you both in candlelight. i want to picture yourself laughing. i want this to sink in and i want this to feel good.

 

NOW STOP. pause. that is not what you have but that is what we all deserve as people. that is not this man but someone else. That man you can call HUSBAND. not this man. hes at a point in his life right now where he is emotionally dragging you down. or this is just the way he is.

 

take one thing on at a time and realize that this is not for you. This is not what you want and you definately know that.

 

DONT LET THAT HURT. be PROUD of yourself. you dont have a job right now you can get one. these are things you can do and i will legally help you accomplish him paying you out of his but. this hits home in a way.

 

first tell yourself aloud. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BEG. you do not, you really do not need to beg. You are assuming fault and blaming yourself for his out of control behaviour and punishing yourself within your mind and heart telling yourself that you need to do things to correct this situation, that he is causing all by himself. you are not the crazy person here. you are reacting to a crazy person and i know from expierience that hurts. hurts you and hurts the children all unescesarrily. if he wasnt around this wouldnt be happening.

 

it takes two hon not one. you are only in control of yourself and you are trying from what i can tell you butt off. his choices, his actions have nothing to do with you.

 

i understand this, why because you want it to work but in all honesty someone who isnt working with you is wasting something precious. Your time. that time is yours and let me tell you it can be spent better. laughing joking with someone and finding a real love connection. someone who does call you his wife. someone who cant take his eyes off of you. someone who WANTS YOU! Your time is your life and you spend that in a way where you feel ALIVE. where you can feel those moments and reach out to a person you can touch who will love you knowing you love them.

 

first reclaim your self-worth. tell yourself you love who you are. Your mistakes are not who you are and no one should make you pay for them. its your job to realize your mistakes not the other persons job to make you pay for them, AT ALL PERIOD.

 

let me tell you something. he likes that you beg because to him that means he is still in control of you. this type of atmosphere doesnt get better, why because thats what he wants. someone to control. not a wife a spouse or a lover. someone to press under a red thumb who he can FORCE his way with. this is not a way to be treated by anyone.

 

you are left in that corner waiting mam, waiting. waiting for what? where has he shown you, you dont have to wait? where has he shown you instead you are loved. in you are telling me the truth il tell you everything you need to do step by step and have him paying you. let me know.

[Simpleoldschool]

ill tell you from expierience. he wants you in a corner. he wants you to sit there until he calls for you and only with demands. he wants you to shut up.

 

HELL NO MAM. HELLLLLL NO! you are not a damn animal and even if you were one even so.

 

i know this type of person and the whole waiting game. you are hurt. no one to talk to about it because hes cutt you off from other people. you sit there drowing in pain while hes just watching the tv and telling you something is wrong with you. one mess up, one mis-step and the divorce word is pulled out of a bag of what i like to call " super a'hole" and then its your fault. you did something wrong. he doesnt want to be with you. if he was going to divorce you he would. why isnt he? ill tell you why because he is scum. scum you wipe of a clean shoe called your life and get to walking. you dont give a damn about this person. find a person who deserves to be loved. invest feelings of love in a person you should. not this waste of space. shiiiii girl. you could have a nice new vase in the places he chooses to stand. looks better. doesnt talk shiiiii...yeah. and guess what you can stand to look at it.

 

he is abusive and i can help with that

[tuberose]

thanks everyone,

as I said before, we have 2 young children and I'm not the maternal type (please dont judge me, i do a great job as a mom, my children are well taken care of and all their needs are met. the only bad thing in their life is the explosive fights that happen in front of them and their seeing me in such a fragile and broken down state. i wouldnt want to see my mom like that). caring for my children 24*7 drains me completely and i fight with him because he always has a reason to get away and let me take care of eerything. if i ask him to stay back and help me instead of starting new ventures of his interest, he tries to kick me out by saying he has earned it and im a useless pos. when im having a bad day, i take it out on him and kids which acc to him is not normal so this marriage has to end because im a witch.

I've had enough, i think its time to walk away

[CC12]

Don't make any big life decisions when you're upset. You're understandably fed up with everything right now, and walking away might seem very appealing, but please do think about what that would mean for your future.

 

I don't know what exactly you meant in your last post, but it sounded like you're ready to leave your kids and everything else behind. Don't make any rash decisions yet. You sound depressed to me (post-partum, maybe?) and perhaps talking to a professional about this would help you work through your feelings of worthlessness and being disposable?

 

Don't give up anything until you've had time to work on yourself. You owe it to yourself and your kids.

[TaraMaiden]

thanks everyone,

as I said before, we have 2 young children and I'm not the maternal type (please dont judge me, i do a great job as a mom, my children are well taken care of and all their needs are met. the only bad thing in their life is the explosive fights that happen in front of them and their seeing me in such a fragile and broken down state. i wouldnt want to see my mom like that). caring for my children 24*7 drains me completely and i fight with him because he always has a reason to get away and let me take care of eerything. if i ask him to stay back and help me instead of starting new ventures of his interest, he tries to kick me out by saying he has earned it and im a useless pos. when im having a bad day, i take it out on him and kids which acc to him is not normal so this marriage has to end because im a witch.

I've had enough, i think its time to walk away

 

I'm going to be very blunt here, and possibly make a few people bristle, but here goes:

 

My parents were married for 57 years.

 

During their marriage, my father had an affair.

he was fully intent on leaving the marriage.

My mother told him in no uncertain terms that he had to make his mind up one way or the other, and quickly, because she would file for divorce, go back to her home country, and leave him to bring my brothers and me up, on his own.

 

Well, as you can tell, they stayed together, and the outcome was long and happy.

But here's the thing:

 

My parents stayed together because they loved one another, wanted to be with each other and saw a future together.

 

The decision of the children was not a mitigating factor.

 

My mother once described herself and my father as "Not parents, more a couple with children."

Her maternal instincts were there - but low.

I have to admit, mine are probably the same - although I doted on MY children, brought them up well and had no adolescent rebellion problems with them at all.

in fact, they are two of my best friends.

I loved them unconditionally as children, and would have given my life for them.

Still would.

 

But hurl me back in time, and I would seriously think twice about having had kids.....

 

so I can see where the OP is 'coming from'.

 

Children ARE precious.

it's not their 'fault' they're here.

We owe them the very best life we can give them, and an upbringing to match.

 

But it's hard to develop maternal instincts when you already know they're low.

 

OP, you need to think with a clear head.

At the moment, you have a lot of emotions whirring in your mind; it's critical you do not submit to making any decisions when your heart is in turmoil.

 

Your H sounds controlling and abusive.

You contribute to the mess by succumbing to hysterical behaviour, and giving in to him....

And it is definitely a bad thing to be doing it in front of the children.

'Bd thing' being a massive understatement.

 

So get yourself to a mind-frame where you can think clearly.

 

Then, get legal advice, file for divorce - and stay where you are.

 

If he states categorically that he wants you to leave, then do so.

Go.

 

But leave the children with him.

I guarantee, after 2 days, (less, possibly) he will be on his hands and knees crawling for you to come back.

 

Have the law on your side.

That is, arm yourself with knowledge about what rights you have, and be sure to be aware of what you are entitled to, and permitted to do.

 

But quit begging, yelling ans reducing every encounter to a screaming match - in front of the kids.

 

They deserve better.

 

But so do you.

[Steadfast]

...Well, as you can tell, they stayed together, and the outcome was long and happy.

 

But here's the thing:

 

My parents stayed together because they loved one another, wanted to be with each other and saw a future together.

 

The decision of the children was not a mitigating factor.

 

My mother once described herself and my father as "Not parents, more a couple with children."

 

I'm not bristling Tata. I'm applauding. A very wise woman, your mother.

 

In my opinion, you've hit on the number one cause of family problems; the tragic mistake of couples allowing their children to steer the ship, to be the focus of the relationship, the viewing of them as 'little people'. People with rights...people who demand. People whose input in the relationship, structure or decision-making must be heard and considered.

 

This not only undermines the parents relationship, it robs the children of their childhood. It steals their ability to respect the parents time and effort. We cannot be respected if we do not give respect. Respect is earned by our actions. Respect is not something we're entitled to.

 

And save all the objections about this family structure being a cruel dictatorship. It is a dictatorship, but it is the opposite of cruel. It is the most loving, nurturing gift a parent can give a child. Children who do not listen do not learn. We have a world full of adolescents in adult bodies.

 

I must disagree on one point however. Measured against 'modern' standards her maternal instincts might have seemed low, but taking into account what you wrote I'd say she parented in an honest, forthright fashion. Too many parents try to become the people depicted on television. That is not real life. Your mother was an individual, as we all are. Stuffing our talents and our strengths to fit a mold is tragic.

 

Thanks Tara. As usual, you're a few notches higher than everyone else.

[tuberose]

Thank you all for your insightful replies! Gave me more perspective on my current situation. I'd like to add some missing details here. All this started because i had had a longand exhusting day and told him i hate the children. I do my job as a mom pretty well, even though I do not enjoy it. As I said before, my children are well cared for, i give them all my attention and TLC. But there are days when they drive me up the wall and I look at all the things I am missing out in my life and how my life has shaped this way because I chose to give my best to them makes me so mad that I hate them. I really love my children, but there are times when that love turns into total hatred and i regret having them. I know this is temporary and it will get better. But with child 1 I had untreated PPD, unsupportive husband and lots of other things, so when i ound out i was having child 2 when i was least expecting, i freaked out and my hormones really acted up during my pregnancy. Instead of being an understanding partner, he was a super jerk. He did the very same things even then and i did everything i could to find a job when he asked me to leave. One offer fell apart when my interviewer realized i was pregnant because they wanted someone to keep going as they could not afford to have me take maternity leave. All this mademme develop a dislike for my unborn child, although i feel like crap when i think about it now. I absolutely love her (actually i absolutely love them both), but i really feel very sad about the control i would have oevr my life had i not had them.

Another major problem in this marriage: his parents (especially mom)

Flashback a year

Hus parents are very intruding. His mom wants to dictate everything that happens in our household. Theres a lot of things she did that has ruined my life, but that will run tn pges long, so i will spare the details. Most of our major fights are because of her, she is the reason why he started threatening me about divorce. In my seventh month of pregnancy the very same 'you leave or i leave' came up and the next day his parents arrived in our house along with all my and his relatives who live in the area to solve our personal fight. Im a very private person and i have never been so humiliated my entire life. Thats when i found out that every sinle small ight we had was being reported to his mom verbatim.

I never want that to happen again (the realtives coming over to stop me from doing anything part)which is why i cnnot give him a chnce to know my next move.

As it lways happen, he apologized to me today and everyone is happy at the moment and everything is perfect. But I am tired of this. This will happen agin when we hav our next fight. Maybe in a week, or a month, or a couple months... I dont know, i am just very tired. I think i should really leave this time. And on a good note. I am living a very insecure life and i do not want to live in a fear of when i will be kicked out for being ocal about my frustations

[tuberose]

Thanks tara for sharing your mom's story. I do not think i can ever tolerate n affair, i really admire your mom's strength. I do not at ny cost want to leave the kids with him. He is a great dad, but he will never be able to take care of them the way i o. They love us both, but i think they will have happier days with me alone.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks tara for sharing your mom's story. I do not think i can ever tolerate n affair, i really admire your mom's strength. I do not at ny cost want to leave the kids with him. He is a great dad, but he will never be able to take care of them the way i o. They love us both, but i think they will have happier days with me alone.

Exactly.

That was my point.

 

But here's the thing:

he's their Father.

He damn well SHOULD be able to take care of them in exactly the way you do.

He's their dad, not some occasional guy who comes in and out of their lives periodically.

 

He has to be made to see that his behaviour is completely unreasonable and irrational.

 

The whole thing is just completely wrong, dysfunctional and unhappy, that something drastic needs to happen to make something change.

 

Like we have all said:

Take legal advice.

And put him in a situation where he HAS to face the consequences of his behaviour.