Adultery - How Do You End An Almost Perfect Marriage And Go On With Your Life?

[vee]

I was married almost 11 years, together almost 12. We had what I thought was a near perfect marriage. We always appreciated eachother, loved eachother and rarely fought. At least, I thought we would never get a divorce. My husband told me where to meet him when we died, that he would never remarry if anything happened to me, that he would always love me. He always told me, his family and all friends what a perfect wife I was. Get the picture?

 

During the last year or so, he slowly spent more time away from me (and our dogs). During the last 8 months, the situation got increasingly worse. Also, he started to treat me badly; he became hostile and nasty, through no fault of my own. When asked why he was speaking so mean to me when I don't deserve such treatment, he would hang his head and say, "I'm sorry. You are right." I trusted him completely. I trusted him with my life. I never suspected another woman. Never.

 

Then on July 3rd he told me he was not happy, but it wasn't me. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I thought our marriage was near perfect, and his lapses in judgement were temporary. I asked him if it was another woman and he swore on his Mother's life that it wasn't. He said it like a mantra, over and over again. Well, it is another woman and I don't know how long they've been together. He left August4th. He still calls periodically to say he loves me and will always love me. He asked to see a marriage counselor 3 months after he dropped the bomb.

 

I know I have to divorce him. I gave him everything and he betrayed me. But the pain will not go away. The feelings of loneliness, desolation and embarrasment will not go away. (Yes, mortification that someone could leave me for another.) I don't want tp socialize or go out. I just want to cry. (I do have a psychologist now and am looking into group therapy.)

 

Adultery is such a unique and painful experience. No one deserves this, even if the marriage wasn't great. Why is it so rampant? Why would another woman (or man) steal a spouse? What kind of person does that? I need to hear from some men - why would you do this to a loving and trustworthy woman/wife? And finally, how in God's name do I get over something so traumatic. How will I ever meet someone else when I feel like I'll never recover from this ultimate betrayal?

[Merin]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much...

 

Infidelity is the worst kind of betrayel.

 

You know to begin with (and please understand I'm not saying this to be mean) but a person CANNOT STEAL away your spouse/mate if that spouse/mate doesn't really want to go... I understand that it doesn't make it right for someone to become involved with a person who is married to another, but ultimately the person who is at fault is your husband.

 

He is the one who made vows to you and promises that he didn't live up to... the other person involved didn't promise you anything.

 

Time is about the only thing right now that is going to heal you... I think it's great that you're in therapy... this will help a lot in working through your anger and trust issues... know that this isn't about you, or what you did wrong (I know thats easy for me to say) but really this is about your husbands issues as to why the affair took place to begin with.

 

At this point, I would stop allowing him to call and tell you pretty words like "I love you" ect. because all obviously he isn't willing to do the right things for you... so empty words is all he is giving you, and it only adds to your confusion.

 

Stay busy, let your family and friends support you...

 

Good Luck

[Scott S]

I'm sorry to hear.

 

Painful, indeed! Unique - not necessarily, unfortunately. It happens more than you think.

 

My ex comitted adultery with her oldest & best friend's husband, & left our marriage to be with him. Adding insult to injury, she expressed her belief that I was being unreasonable about all this. Apparently she never considered how fortunate for the two of them that it took place in South Carolina & not Saudi Arabia. But I digress. My point being is that I can speak with the authority of some experience.

 

You don't necessarily have to divorce him. You mentioned that he calls periodically, says he still loves you, & has talked about a marriage counselor. Does he seem remorseful about all this? Does he want to come back? Do you want to have him back? Does he want to try to mend the relationship? Do you? Can you forgive this & start moving past it? Can the both of you work together rebuild trust?

 

If you can't, no one would blame you. Certainly not me, anyway.

 

And finally, how in God's name do I get over something so traumatic. How will I ever meet someone else when I feel like I'll never recover from this ultimate betrayal?

 

You're in counseling now, so you're doing the right thing. It's going to take a long time. Right now, don't even think about trying to meet someone else. You are in no condition to attempt another relationship at this time.

 

You'll need to allow the time to heal. And heal you will. I felt the same way once. I swore I would never date again. Following my divorce, my New Year's resolution was a vow of celibacy. After a few years, I healed enough mentally & emotionally to date again. I met a lovely, wonderful Christian woman in a church small group, and we've been married going on 9 years now.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Scott S

 

You don't necessarily have to divorce him.

 

Let me clarify this point. I'm not saying you mustn't divorce, or that you shouldn't.

 

What I meant was that divorce is not necessarily an inevitable result of adultery, although it certainly is not a marriage-enhancer.

 

If you both (especially you) want to save & heal your marriage, then by all means work together with a therapist, a pastor, family counselor, etc. to work through the issues, forgive, rebuild trust, & rebuild the relationship.

 

If you don't want to, or if you can't, then proceed as you believe you need to.

[DazednConfused]

Oh Vee;

 

You are an amazing person. This is unique only in the sense that it has happened to you. So it is unique to you. Noone understands your heart but you and the pain you are experiencing is currently unbelieveable.

 

You had a great thing with a great person, and he stepped on your heart. I feel, know, and understand your pain. Honestly, i know sometimes the pressure is so great that you wonder how you can breathe.

 

Only you can decide what is best for you, and to do that you may want to try to put your hurt aside long enough to think clearly. When you decide what it is you want, you have to stick by it, through all the doubt and anguish that is to come.

 

Just know and understand two things:

 

You are not alone; there are alot of people here who have been there, and who will help you if they can, even when you just need to vent.

 

This is not your fault. No matter what your husband gives as the reason for his despicable thoughtlessness, you did nothing to deserve being treated this way. Do not accept that any of this is your fault.

 

You probably made your share of mistakes in your marriage, but none of them are a plausible excuse to cheat.

 

If you choose to reconcile or if you choose to divorce, it will be a long and painful road for you. Either way you will have to come to terms that this happened.

 

We are pulling for you.

 

-Dazed

[brashgal]

There are many of us in your situation. I also have trouble understanding how other women can get involved with married men but it happens a lot. It's the "life is short" and "I deserve to be happy" "me first" mentality,

people don't stop to think about the others they will hurt in the process.

 

Do you want to seek marriage counselling with him? You might want to explore that in your individual counselling sessions. If you decide you don't, it is easier to 'get over this' if you have no contact with your ex.

 

Don't even think about meeting anyone else romantically for awhile, takes some folks a couple years to get over this kind of trauma. Concentrate on yourself, hobbies, friends, family - time passing does help. I feel for you. Hang in there.

[johan]

The other woman/man is never at fault, in my opinion. The one who has to take all the blame is the married person who cheated. Your vows were with your husband. He's the one who made the agreement to be married to you. It would be nice if the rest of the world respected your vows and stayed out, but you didn't make any agreement with them. It just sucks that there are people out there who don't care. Your husband was supposed to protect you from them.

 

I'm sorry for your pain and hope you can find a way to emerge from this gracefully and stronger than you were. I think getting professional counseling is a great idea. Just don't expect to find the answers to everything there. You still have to do the work yourself.

 

It really seems like the relationships that appear "perfect" and loving are often the ones that have all their problems buried away somewhere. I think people who fight a lot and stay together have a better chance of making it last. Everything is on the table. I've learned that, and I am looking for a girl who has no problem fighting with me, but who does it respectfully and listens at the same time. She also should be about 5-4, 28-32, athletic, enjoy long walks on the beach, hikes in the mountains, ...

[Blackmanx]

Sometimes, we got no choice but to move on. I've had people that I loved hurt me. Those people, both male and female were people that I cared about but that's no excuse for their behavior. I dont put up with violent behavior or bs from anyone anymore. Male or female, black or white, straight or Gay. It's just not worth it. peace.

[nadia2515]

I am sorry u r going thru this. I have also been there and I know it isn't easy, to say the least. I did divorce my husband but it was after the third time I found out he had cheated on me. My situation was a little different. He didn't leave me and he didn't have 'another women', he had one night stands with 3 different people.

 

I also thought our marriage was 'perfect' up untill I found out the first time. I was devastated because he acted like he worshiped the ground I walked on. He was stuck to my side like an extra limb. He was so 'in love' with me. I always thought that if there was truly one man out there that wouldn't cheat, it was him.

 

Well, I was wrong. The first time, I forgave him but ofcourse it ruined a lot of what we had as far as trust, love, respect. The second thing I found out about actually happened before the first thing so after begging and pleading and all these excuses for not telling it all, I forgave him AGAIN. The third time was ofcouse the last draw. It was something I was waiting for. An excuse to be done with it because I never truly forgave him for the first time much less the second and I was miserable with him. He was dirty and disgusting to me. Not that I didn't have reason enough already to leave, I just felt like I needed something else just to give me

peace of mind when I left. So anyway, that's what I did and he cried and begged and blah, blah, blah.

[nadia2515]

Anyway, I guess my story is a bit too long.

 

We have been divorced for 4 years now and we have been close friends for the last 3. Immediatly after our divorce, he completely and honestly changed into everything I ever wanted him to be. It really opened his eyes to lose his wife and 2 children and know that it was really too late to do anything to change it. He could have bought me a limo and a $10 million mansion and it would not have changed anything and I made that very clear to him. At first I thought he was just trying to win me back and it wasn't real but it was, it really did open his eyes and he is still, 4 years later, a great person. If I could go back, I would honestly say, as bad as the situation was, I wish I would have hung in there. Maybe left him for a month to make him see the real consequences he was facing then went home and start over. He's a great Dad and a great friend and I still think that one day when the time is right, God will put us back together.

 

My story is to encourage you to do what u feel is right for u. Don't base your decision on what u think the world expects u to do or what your therapist says u should do or your mom or best friend. This is your life and your future and this is something that u both have a 'lot' invested in. Was he in a relationship with someone or did he have a one night stand? If he was with someone, is he still with her? If so that's a whole nother story. Anyway, this is a very long term decision, this will affect you foe the rest of your life, literally. Pray about it, if it's something you're willing to do, go for it. You have nothing else to lose. Good Luck!

[Scott S]

Originally posted by johan

The other woman/man is never at fault, in my opinion. The one who has to take all the blame is the married person who cheated. Your vows were with your husband. He's the one who made the agreement to be married to you. It would be nice if the rest of the world respected your vows and stayed out, but you didn't make any agreement with them. It just sucks that there are people out there who don't care. Your husband was supposed to protect you from them.

 

I would have to nonconcur on this point. The OM/OW should certainly know better than to become involved with a married person. It does "Take two to tango," and the interloper did make the choice to become involved in such a relationship.

 

Ironically, it seems to never occur to the interloper that if he/she did leave his/her spouse to take up with them, they may find themselves in an identical situation in the future. They cannot fathom how he could cheat on her, completely disregarding the fact that he cheated on his wife to be with her.

[vee]

Thank you all for your attempt to help me get through this traumatic time.

 

Unfortunately, I believe that I must divorce him because he left me for another woman that he is in love with. The betrayal levels are infinite. I was so good to him; I treated him like gold. He, too, told me how I am the only woman in the world for him. I was convinced that this man would never cheat on me, never mind fall in love with someone else.

 

Concerning the woman he is with, she is 47 years old - not a child or a young person. She is divorced with 2 children. She knew he was married. Before he left, the mean things he said to me did not sound like him, they sounded like a stranger's words. At the time, I did not know it was another woman because he swore on his mother it wasn't. Now that I know, this woman and him discussed the situation throroughly and I am sure some of the nasty verbiage were words from her mouth that he parroted. Therefore, she does have culpability in this situation. Of course, my husband's choices are painfully acknowledged. I know he was the adulterer, not her.

 

Why is it that the person who commits adultery and finds another woman/man is in a relationship having fun, enjoying their lives, while the injured spouse sits home crying and depressed. When I am told that I am not "ready" to date, although I understand the logic behind healing, I feel it is so unfair that he is having fun in an exciting relationship while I sit home sad and hurt. This is just another level of the betrayal because the injured person can not really go on with their life. They must heal first.

 

Finally, I want to reiterate my heartfelt thanks to you all for trying to help a virtual stranger.

 

To all of you that are hurting, let's hang in there together...

[whichwayisup]

Vee, sorry for your pain.

 

We are here for you, kind words and support, virtual hugs, you name it you got it here on this site.

 

Be good to yourself, talk to your family and friends, lean on them for as much support as you can get. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist to help you through this.

 

All the best.

[Scott S]

Originally posted by vee

 

Why is it that the person who commits adultery and finds another woman/man is in a relationship having fun, enjoying their lives, while the injured spouse sits home crying and depressed. When I am told that I am not "ready" to date, although I understand the logic behind healing, I feel it is so unfair that he is having fun in an exciting relationship while I sit home sad and hurt. This is just another level of the betrayal because the injured person can not really go on with their life. They must heal first.

 

They're having "fun" because they are enjoying the novelty of the situation. The heady feelings of a new romance. It will wear off in due time, often leaving little or no basis for a lasting relationship.

 

Another thing that often happens is that after a while, this relationship is tainted by cheating, adultery, etc. "How could this happen?" they wonder. It never occurs to them that someone who would cheat on a spouse could certainly cheat on someone else as well.

 

Whether you're "ready to date" is something only you can decide. Others, while meaning well, should not be telling you when to feel how.

 

I'm glad you're finding some solace here, but I encourage you to talk face to face with live people (i.e. a pastor, counselor, trusted friend, etc.) as well. This will help you through the healing process. You've suffered a loss, you need to allow the grief process to work.

 

Take care.

[nadia2515]

I can definetly see that he has left u no choice but to divorce him. He'll get his fill of this little fun affair and when the new wears off, he'll be on his knees begging you for forgiveness. If you do decide to start dating anytime soon, just have fun. Let your partner(s) know that you are having fun because rebound will sneak up on you and you will end up hurting someone else. You don't want to do that. It may be hard not to get serious if someone gives you love and affection right now but it is wise to avoid having 'feelings' for anyone right now. If you are religious, don't compromise your christianity just because you've been hurt. God will be your best friend right now if you'll let him. Good luck vee, this will just make you stronger.

[Mr Spock]

The thing about "love" is that you can't own it. Marriage is a vow taken by people to express their love-but why is the marriage forever if the love is not? Obviously, there were things wrong in your relationship that allowed this situation to develop. Not YOUR fault it happened-but these factors exsisted.

 

People fall in and out of love all the time. It happens, and if it's not mutual it HURTS. Rejection sucks, in every way. Reading through the posts it's easy to see what side of the infidelity triangle people are coming from.

 

What do you do now?

 

Well, first of all, you file for that divorce. You don't feel you could handle him if he ever returned after this betrayal. So stop waiting around for him to come back-he's not going to. He feels GUILTY he hurt you, but he's in a new relationship.

 

Second of all, stop blaming. Period. Yourself, him her-it won't allow you to move on. Time will heal your wounds.

 

Thirdly, cut off contact with him except through your lawyer. You don't need him constantly re opening that wound while you try to get on track.

 

Learn from your mistakes. You could give him blowjobs EVERY DAY and he could still sleep with someone else because men will f*ck mud. You've had your eyes opened in a very abrupt and painful way-but now you know not to take anything for granted.

 

It helps to pour out your feelings, so keep on posting.

[vee]

I've learned that, and I am looking for a girl who has no problem fighting with me, but who does it respectfully and listens at the same time. She also should be about 5-4, 28-32, athletic, enjoy long walks on the beach, hikes in the mountains, ...

 

This added personal touch made me laugh. (This is a great thing, right about now.) It was a very cute touch.

 

Oh well, I do not fit your criteria. I am 5'2", 100 lbs, athletic and 49 (yikes!). I can't believe it myself.

 

Anyway, thank you for your compassionate words. I hope everything works out for you.

 

Vee