Pain of missing his children...

[8218]

Hi. We had an affair. He moved out of family home. Now has a flat. We are happy, but... it's finally sunk in with him what he has done. He is distraught, missing his girls. The pain of it is tearing him apart and affecting me and him. As a fatherless woman (through affairs and separation) I feel like the wicked temptress and this was all my fault. Basically, we found our happiness, but at what cost. I don't know what to do. I have raised the subject of him going back. He says he doesn't think he can. He said he wanted me so much he moved heaven and earth, and now he has what he wants, but at the cost of his daughters happiness. Feels like he has let them down. Hates himself. Things are now really tough. I just want everyone to be okay, and in turn would put my happiness aside to make him happy, and as an extension, his three daughters.

Is this just a phase, it's only been four weeks since he left them. Will it get any better for him? I am scared because I don't want our relationship to break down. He is the only man I could ever see myself being with. But I don't want him unhappy either. Does talking about it to him make it worse? I just don't know what to do.

Please help!

Thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

How old are the daughters?

[8218]

One is eight years old, the other two are four years old.

[secretlady76]

As a parent I'll tell you one thing. They will come first. No discussion. He will feel like his heart has been ripped out of his chest. And it won't get better for some time. He won't be able to see them when he wants to, he will have to deal with them clinging to his leg as he leaves to go back to you. They will be heartbroken that Daddy is no longer at home with them. It will massively impact them.

 

All you can do is support him. Put your needs and wants to one side and let him do what he needs to has role of their father. Time with them will always be top priority. You will quite rightly be second fiddle.

[TaraMaiden]

Right.

 

Well,in that case, he must have some access to them.

The disruption will be felt far less by the two younger ones. They will adapt far more easily.

 

I suggest when he is with the 8-year-old, he be upbeat, loving and have as much fun-time with him/her as he can.

 

He can't lose face in front of the kids, he has to convince them that this is the way things are, they're loved and his time with them will be quality.

Focus on enjoyment and love.

 

In fact, his time with them now, being more precious,, may actually prove beneficial in that he will recognise how precious it is. And invest all of himself.

When we are at home with our children, on a permanent basis, we take for granted the fact we live with them, and do not dedicate as much time to them as we maybe should.

 

In this way, every second is precious.

Use them wisely, productively and constructively.

 

The fact that he misses them, is now sinking in.

He would never have known this feeling, had he been with them all the time.

NOW - he sees the full consequence of his actions.

Turn that negative around and use it to his advantage.

 

He must never lay blame or rsponsibility for this at the feet of his ex-.

This has to be approached neutrally, and sensibly.

 

He should agree with her that while she has every reason to confide in the children that 'daddy met someone else' and be bitter and angry, he has to take this on the chin. He should ask her to be truthful, by all means, but not spiteful. This is between them, not the children.

 

It's up to him to implement a damage-limitation exercise, and try to explain, without painting her in a bad light.

 

These things happen.

They've been happening for a long time, and will continue to happen.

 

It's up to him, as the mature adult, to be the dad.

not just a parent.

[8218]

Thank you.

I don't expect to take priority, what kind of man would he be if I did. I guess I just sit tight, support him, and if he chooses to go back, then that is that. I can't stand seeing him so devastated. Yes, his heart has been torn out of his chest.

[8218]

Thank you so much for this. It makes sense and I have come to these conclusions too. I am confused about whether we are just going through the stages of what impact this affair, separation and relationship has. I know there will be a lot of hard times to come. I just needed some advice because I have never been in this position before. It's hard to keep my head screwed on emotionally at all times. I get the strong feeling that all this is what it is. And it can't be explained away or planned. We just have to get through it, or not.

[TaraMaiden]

Show him this response.

He may well see the truth in it and implement what he feels works, form it.

 

I realise things are very raw at the moment.

 

I also think (callous as it sounds) his children miss him far less than he misses them. It's logical.

The impact will be less severe on them, because their minds are infant, and do not process things in the same way.

 

(Oh were that we could think more like children, at times!)

 

With the passage of time, things will level out; the children will grow, mature and develop: Things do not stand still.

But it's up to him now, to make the best of things now, to ensure he develops and cultivates a positive, strong and productive relationship with his children.

 

The kind where they can confidently say, in some future time, "My parents divorced when I was young, but my dad has always been there for me."

[8218]

I completely agree that his children will miss him far less than he misses them. He is rattling around in a flat at the moment, working from home, doesn't have his children bounding around and giving him cuddles, the weather is ****, it's not great is it. He is feeling massively isolated. I grew up in a mental household, both parents had other people coming round, were in relationships with other people in relationships...phew. Had to work everything out myself. Who was with who and what meant this or that. Was very confusing. As a result I no longer keep in touch with my father and although I speak to my mother, I have a lot of bad history between us. I have always said that this could have been made better if they spoke to me about what was going on. Showed they loved me. Anyway.

He just feels so guilty and is trashing himself at every opportunity. That is not going to help anyone. I just need to be very careful with what I say to him as he is hypersensitive. I just hope we can get through this.

Thanks again x

[threelaurels]

Has he had any contact with his wife regarding custody or sought the help of a lawyer to arrange for a custody agreement? Those are probably his first steps for seeing his kids again right now.

 

You should not meet his kids or even be in the picture for them right now. Things are very unstable for them right now, and they need to adjust before you get introduced. It is generally recommended that children do not meet a new partner until one year post-divorce.

 

He should definitely speak with his wife about what to tell the kids. Ideally, both parents should break the news that they will be getting divorced and explain the custody situation to them. Given their ages, the kids should not be told anything beyond "daddy broke a promise to mommy". Of course, they should also remind them that both parents love them very much. When they are older, they will inevitably find out what really happened.

 

All you can really do at this point is love and support him. Maybe you could suggest that he visit a therapist?

[TaraMaiden]

Sadly, if you would excuse me saying so, there is no 'we' in getting through this.

 

Tragically - whatever anyone's moral opinions on the matter, which are not relevant here - you're merely hanging on for the ride.

 

But the person who HAS to get through this - is him.

 

By virtue of your childless state, and being his partner, this is something that, while you try to support him, he has to try to weather and come to terms with, on his own.

 

And if he is being hypersensitive then of course, any approach by you has to be done over egg-shells.

 

Don't 'baby' him, if you know what I mean.

 

he was adult enough to make the decisions he has, up to now.

He needs to get a grip, "man up" and deal with this maturely.

 

Being overly sympathetic, is doubtless kind, but may not be helpful.

[ComingInHot]

8218 wrote, " I get the strong feeling that all this is what it is. And it can't be explained away or planned. We just have to get through it, or not."

 

My VERY wise elders always told me Be Careful What You Wish For, You Just Might Get It".

 

It sounds like you got exactly what you wanted. Only you didn't anticipate the consequenses. So did MM.

Has he "FILED" for D yet? Or is he just living w/you right now.

 

Honestly, when you wrote, " we found our happiness,", I didn't see you as "happy".

 

It could be that you two just need to find your new "normal".

 

Just because he is D'ing his W (if he is...?), does not mean, he "left" his children. It may be that he will be a better, more attentive parent now that he is out of his M.

He shouldn't feel bad about leaving his daughters if he really hasn't.

He SHOULD feel badly about cheating on them, betraying them, lying to them and Teaching them that screwing around on spouse and kids is "okay" and being an OW is just fine.

That is what he should be struggling with!

 

No one can turn the clock back but since You are a very real part of al this pain, You should do all that You can going forward to help put the pieces together.

I'd like to suggest that You tell MM to get his butt into IC then/at the same time get the his 8 year old & him into family counciling!!

Eventually But Not anytime soon, MM (hopefully soon to be DMM) will bring you into his daughters lives. It should be done After therapy in w/the full support of His Wife. Like in a year or two (whatever the therapist thinks professionally)

Good luck 8218.

[Goodbye]

He left his wife, not his daughters. I assume he has shared joint custody. It does take some time to get used to the new routine. But, if he was working and spending time with you...chances are he wasn't with his daughters all the time. He can use his free time to spend with his daughters and make it count. I may spend (slightly) less time with my girls since I divorced, but the time I spend with them is so much better.

 

He left his wife because he chose to. You are not the "temptress." Just make certain you NEVER put yourself between he and his daughters. Allow him to use his free time to be with them.

[sybo24]

My exMM left me and went home three weeks ago because his children did not speak/text/contact him in the 8 weeks he was gone. It killed him everyday and being around me children made things even worse for him.

 

I asked him why he was going back to his wife and why didn't we just end things he stay in his flat and sort things out with his kids. It didn't mean he had to go home to work things out with his children, but he did.

 

I have to realise that he went home because he chose the life he had with his family over a life he thought he wanted with me.

 

Hard to accept but accept it I must.

 

I would have preferred he just told me he wanted his wife and life back!

[8218]

Hello and thanks for the replies.

 

He is not married to his ex. He sees his kids twice a week. We all live in very close proximity to each other. Things are being handled carefully. Hi ex does not want for anything, except for the obvious - that what happened, never happened. I have to be blunt and say if they were happy he would not have left. He has been unhappy for years. I don't need to explain, you've heard it all before. Anyway. Things could have been handled better, i.e. in an ideal world we would not have had an affair. But we did. And it is out in the open now. All we can do (individually) is limit the damage. I give him and his ex plenty of space. They are semi-amicable, civil at least. I keep my nose out, I support by listening, never prying, being what he needs when he needs it. I think I came on here seeking emotional advice, for both me, and more importantly, for him, specifically regarding how to get over or help ease the pain of missing your children as a father. I'm grateful for all the replies and opinions and am taking everything in. Ultimately the situation is what it is, as I said before, and it will either work or it won't. It is going to be heartbreaking for me if it doesn't, but I (sort of knew)to expect this having seen it countless times, not least through my own eyes as a child and later in life.

I'll let you know how things develop.

[TaraMaiden]

This just makes me very sad.

I hope he never gets over it, he should have to live with the pain of what he did to his family.

 

He has been unhappy for years? He has four year old twins. Was he not getting enough attention? How can someone be not happy for years with kids that young? I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with twins.

 

Paperangel, I don't feel that's warranted.

Your Pain is not someone else's pain.

What you may experience is not a yardstick for what you feel other people deserve.

 

There is no point or use in projecting how you feel, onto the shoulders of someone else.

[8218]

No, this isn't right. 'What he did to his family'. It is not that simple. What was he meant to do? He tried, for years, to explain what was wrong. It fell on deaf ears, time and again. 'Oh yes I'll change, I'll do this, I'll do that' was what he got. No, no changes were made. He has been treated as a cash cow and someone who doles out love and attention and care and got nothing back from anyone but his children. Was he meant to stay there and turn into a bitter, unhappy angry father living a life full of regret for staying with someone he didn't want to be with? How is that any good for his kids? It is an impossible situation. And like I stated in my first message, we are paying for it now, will always pay for it, him the most. His kids are his world. Staying in an unhappy relationship was not an option. I'm not even going to go into what the other considered options were, but they were not good. Not at all.

[8218]

I want everyone to be happy. What is deemed as selfish actions doesn't make a selfish person.

[goneundone]

I understand children come first, but to what extent? I've seen men use children from ex-relationships to manipulate their current partners. Children come first but only in the sense of their well-being. Just because a man has children doesn't mean that you put your heart aside and allow him to mistreat you. Everyone here is saying that there is nothing you can do, and that you will always be secon fiddle. I disagree, if you and this man have what it takes, you will get through this together, as a team. You seem very empathetic with a cring heart, so I do believe you want what best. I would suggest books... Or counseling if you both are not big readers.. Together AND separate. There are books on how I help children cope through divorce, read them, get educated. Your man is grieving a loss right now, help him and allow him to grieve fully. Then move towards a positive loving future. We create our destiny, likewise he will be creating his and you will be creating yours. Now is not the time to sit back an be "second fiddle." Now is the time to be loving, patient, and understanding. Now is the time to come together as a team and work through the heartache. I'm a book hoarder, so if it were me I woul get books on being a step mom, helping children cope through divorce, and building intimacy in relationships. Good luck and don't let anyone tell you that you are second fiddle an there is no "we" in this situation.

[spice4life]

From what I've read regarding men and divorce is that feeling like they failed their family is part of how they grieve. Its a very normal feeling. Divorce is tougher on men than women, but he will be fine once he makes it through the mourning period. He is grieving the loss of the "ideal" of what he thought his life would be. Very normal and everyone who goes through divorce feels this way while they grieve.

 

He needs to understand that his feelings are normal and there are solutions that will allow him to spend more time with his children. Joint custody is one way and it wil give him the best of both worlds.

[goneundone]

I understand children come first, but to what extent? I've seen men use children from ex-relationships to manipulate their current partners. Children come first but only in the sense of their well-being. Just because a man has children doesn't mean that you put your heart aside and allow him to mistreat you. Everyone here is saying that there is nothing you can do, and that you will always be second fiddle. I disagree, if you and this man have what it takes, you will get through this together, as a team. You seem very empathetic with a caring heart, so I do believe you want what's best. I would suggest books... Or counseling if you both are not big readers.. Together AND separate. There are books on how to help children cope through divorce, read them, get educated. Your man is grieving a loss right now, help him and allow him to grieve fully. Then move towards a positive loving future. We create our destiny, likewise he will be creating his and you will be creating yours. Now is not the time to sit back and be "second fiddle." Now is the time to be loving, patient, and understanding. Now is the time to come together as a team and work through the heartache. I'm a book hoarder, so if it were me I would get books on being a step mom, helping children cope through divorce, and building intimacy in relationships. Good luck and don't let anyone tell you that you are second fiddle an there is no "we" in this situation.

 

Sorry for all my typos I'm posting from my phone... I think I corrected everything above..

[TaraMaiden]

Well maybe you are right and I'm just having a bad day.

 

But you are right it is pointless to try to make selfish people aware of the long lasting affects of what they do.

 

Do whatever, hope you and WS are fabulously happy and he gets over missing his kids.

 

Yes, you must be having a bad day.

You're still 'poking'. And somehow, I detect a mild sarcastic inflection, there....

 

Honey, take a break, you're not being rational.

 

Leave the PC and go for a good walk.

 

[Finally Settled]

It will be a difficult road and he will deal with this issue for the rest of his life. Try to be supportive. Do not have children with this man. In this manner you can spare your children.

 

If you are in a position both financially and emotionally to have children, there is no reason not to have children with this man.

 

I will tell you from personal experience it is Hellish to leave your children behind. However, the truth is they do get over it and if the situation is handled well many of the bridges are mended in time.

 

I agree you both may need to seek help to make sure this transition is done as smoothly as possible.

[Athens]

Sadly, the kids will suffer because of the actions of adults. The damage is done, their lives changed and he will need to learn to live with it.

[stillafool]

Doesn't he get visitation rights with his kids? How often does he see them?