Pain of missing his children...

[TaraMaiden]

Sadly, the kids will suffer because of the actions of adults. The damage is done, their lives changed and he will need to learn to live with it.

The kids might feel temporary suffering, but if the parents remain realistic, sensible and level-headed, this doesn't have to have a long-term negative impact.

 

All disruption to their status quo will upset the apple cart; but it's not terminal damage.

 

While I perfectly understand peoples' sentiments here, I think it would be helpful if we were able to differentiate between what is realistic, and what is drama.

 

And I have known divorce, and my children went through it, and have survived, and are on good terms with both parents.

Edited May 24, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[Praying4Peace]

As someone who's marriage has broken up due to an A (though I am not with my AP) its hard.

 

But my kids are thriving. It was not always like this. At the start it was hellish. My exH was a mess, I was a mess. The kids saw this and suffered. Lack of attention, fighting, they saw it all.

 

At the beginning of our separation my exH would text me while with the kids that he was feeling sick, he couldn't take care of them on his own, etc. etc.

 

Now its different. We realize that they just need us to be/act normal and happy and give them ATTENTION AND LOVE. It has nothing to do with our general mental states.

 

My kids have a better relationship with Daddy than they ever have. Before it was traditional- come home at 7-8pm, talk to them a bit, tuck in, get on with your business- work/tv/reading/relaxing. Now he plans things for them on his weekends, he interacts with them on his days of the week. He does everything for them on his days. They don't see us fight. They don't live in a stressed/tense environment where we are so busy with our lame attempts at reconciliation (this is just my situation, not anyone elses) they are happy.

 

I also want to reiterate a very important point that another previous poster said: YOU will miss them more than they will. When my kids are gone some weekends, I feel lonely and depressed. But I don't feel bad for them. They are with a person that is central and important in their lives, just as important as me. They are getting something that they NEED- time with their father. We don't parent exactly the same way, but I never worry that they are not happy when they are with him.

 

Also- at the beginning they did not want to go visit him at his apartment and it really upset my exH. It was because he was always sad and wasn't able to be fully present with them. When he got over it and put their needs first, they were fine.

 

I also recommend that he and the 8 year old go to counseling.

 

I promise if he keeps things upbeat, optimistic, etc they will flourish. Even if they cry when they leave him- they'll be fine once they are with mom. They'll always be in a place with an adult who loves them and shows it. It becomes a new normal.

 

Please assure your MM (DMM?) that things take a bit of time, that's how life goes and to just be a Dad, even if he isn't their mom's husband anymore.

 

You should also make sure he gets alone time with the kids without you around. He'll come back to you happy and recharged. If you're around it'll be weird for the kids, even if they don't say anything.

 

There's plenty of love to go around for you, even if he had twice the amount of kids. Its a different type of love he has with you (the romantic kind).

 

Good luck! I speak from experience here (12, 10, 8, 4 year old).

[Athens]

Sorry Tara, I am a teacher and have taught literally thousands of kids, it effects them for life. Their parents may try to deny such, but it's evident to other adults in their lives. Shuffling back and forth between houses, new family members if one or more parents remarry and have kids, the latent undertone of a broken home, it's all evident and it's all damaging to kids. Line up 100 kids and in a few days of being with them I could tell you with sad accuracy which ones do not live in an intact family. It's the way it is and it's the kids that pay the price for the adults actions.

[TaraMaiden]

And I used to be a school Governor, and in daily contact with kids too.

 

To be brutally honest, kids that are damaged, are damaged as a result of skewed attitudes of those who bring them up.

 

Expose a child to dysfunction, and that is what it will project.

 

Which is why the OP is receiving constructive advice, to pass on to her partner, as to how to cope in such a way as to help the children come out of this better.

 

Rather than shoot the incident down in flames, and heap criticism on the guy (given that such matters are so common) I personally feel it's more constructive to offer counsel and guidelines on how to avoid falling into the trap, rather than beat him over the head with the negative consequences of those who have.

[whichwayisup]

Hi. We had an affair. He moved out of family home. Now has a flat. We are happy, but... it's finally sunk in with him what he has done. He is distraught, missing his girls. The pain of it is tearing him apart and affecting me and him. As a fatherless woman (through affairs and separation) I feel like the wicked temptress and this was all my fault. Basically, we found our happiness, but at what cost. I don't know what to do. I have raised the subject of him going back. He says he doesn't think he can. He said he wanted me so much he moved heaven and earth, and now he has what he wants, but at the cost of his daughters happiness. Feels like he has let them down. Hates himself. Things are now really tough. I just want everyone to be okay, and in turn would put my happiness aside to make him happy, and as an extension, his three daughters.

Is this just a phase, it's only been four weeks since he left them. Will it get any better for him? I am scared because I don't want our relationship to break down. He is the only man I could ever see myself being with. But I don't want him unhappy either. Does talking about it to him make it worse? I just don't know what to do.

Please help!

Thanks.

 

So he moved out and straight to you? Affair dynamic straight into a regular relationship.. is he divorced or just separated?

 

This is his issue he has to deal with and he needs to do family counseling with his daughters to fix this. he hurt and betrayed their family unit as one.

[Goodbye]

Sorry Tara, I am a teacher and have taught literally thousands of kids, it effects them for life. Their parents may try to deny such, but it's evident to other adults in their lives. Shuffling back and forth between houses, new family members if one or more parents remarry and have kids, the latent undertone of a broken home, it's all evident and it's all damaging to kids. Line up 100 kids and in a few days of being with them I could tell you with sad accuracy which ones do not live in an intact family. It's the way it is and it's the kids that pay the price for the adults actions.

 

 

So if one of your children grows up and comes to you describing great turmoil and sadness in his/her marriage, would you advocate that he/she just stick it out?

[Athens]

Goodbye, that's not the point, the point of the post was an answer to the question, how to make sure this does not effect the kids, answer, you can not. Kids pay the price for the actions of adults in their lives, be it an affair, abuse, a bad marriage, whatever.. It's the way it is and it can not be undone. The impact can be minimized by adults that care and handle the situation maturely, but it can not be erased, it just can not.

[ComingInHot]

OP wrote, " least. I keep my nose out, I support by listening, never prying, being what he needs when he needs it."

 

"Keep my nose out ..." not really, I mean if you had sex while they were together and now he's living w/you and you are "listening"

 

"Being what he needs when He Needs it". Troubling to me. Exhausting and unbalanced. But maybe not. You aren't responsible for children and family etc... that probably does help.

 

Have you gotten the W's (gf, or whatever) perspective FROM her and Not just from the cheater since you are part of this situation now.

 

One can't finish the puzzle w/out all the pieces.

I'm still for IC & GC*

[Athens]

Tara, the point is that he needs to face what he has done to his kids and accept it and then and only then can he start to minimize. You can give him a free pass by not pointing out the painful truth first, but that's not going to get him to understand the challenge he has before him because of his actions. Minimizing the actions of adults does not help the kids, it may soothe their guilt, but guilt is not always a bad thing. Hard lessons are sometimes the best lessons. Dealing with your own truth is the best way to do better in the future.

[Praying4Peace]

Sorry Tara, I am a teacher and have taught literally thousands of kids, it effects them for life. Their parents may try to deny such, but it's evident to other adults in their lives. Shuffling back and forth between houses, new family members if one or more parents remarry and have kids, the latent undertone of a broken home, it's all evident and it's all damaging to kids. Line up 100 kids and in a few days of being with them I could tell you with sad accuracy which ones do not live in an intact family. It's the way it is and it's the kids that pay the price for the adults actions.

 

Athens, I agree bc most divorced couples have no idea what they are doing with the kids and are so into themselves and their 'new lives'...dating and focusing on themselves and harrasing their ex's is the new focus.

 

As a child who lived in a pretty unhappy household, you can tell those kids too. Most of the ppl in my family are teachers and they tell me that you can tell the kids that come from a stressed out/toxic/loveless household. They have a sadness in their eyes too. You can literally see it.

 

My point? Married or Divorced parents- the kids who are showered with love are the ones who thrive.

[TaraMaiden]

Goodbye, that's not the point, the point of the post was an answer to the question, how to make sure this does not effect the kids, answer, you can not. Kids pay the price for the actions of adults in their lives, be it an affair, abuse, a bad marriage, whatever.. It's the way it is and it can not be undone. The impact can be minimized by adults that care and handle the situation maturely, but it can not be erased, it just can not.

 

Nobody here has even hinted that it can be!

We all understand that such an action has wide implications all round - like ripples in a pond.

 

MY objection is that there are 'doom-n-Gloom-mongers' who are predicting nothing but pain, sorrow and "it will all end in tears, your children will be scarred for life!" consequences, whereas what I am saying is that if the adults behave in a sensible manner (and all that 'sensible' entails) then the damage limitation will be far greater and more successful.

 

As a teacher, who sees such dysfunction in children every day - what would YOU advise this man to do, in order to make the transition for his children, as level as possible?

 

Wouldn't that kind of advice be more constructive, than

 

Sadly, the kids will suffer because of the actions of adults. The damage is done, their lives changed and he will need to learn to live with it.

....?

[TaraMaiden]

athens, i agree bc most divorced couples have no idea what they are doing with the kids and are so into themselves and their 'new lives'...dating and focusing on themselves and harrasing their ex's is the new focus.

 

As a child who lived in a pretty unhappy household, you can tell those kids too. Most of the ppl in my family are teachers and they tell me that you can tell the kids that come from a stressed out/toxic/loveless household. They have a sadness in their eyes too. You can literally see it.

 

my point? Married or divorced parents- the kids who are showered with love are the ones who thrive.

 

 

^^^ This. ^^^

 

BINGO.

[Athens]

Praying, I would add to your post, stability....nothing beats stability for a kid...

[ComingInHot]

tara wrote, " parents remain realistic, sensible and level-headed"

 

As "logical" as this sounds. The problem most people involved in a triangle have is to remain realistic, sensible and level-headed".

 

Is it realistic and sensible for a person in a committed R w/children to have sex w/another?

Is it sensible and level headed for a third party/ person to have sex w/committed person?

Is it realistic for either of the cheating persons to think the person being cheated on will not show any emotion regardless of who is around being that they are human beings w/a now broken heart and soul?

 

It is BECAUSE of the unrealistic, loss of sensibility and level-headedness from Grown supposedly mature adults that A's happen in the first place.

Now the betrayed parties are expected to be something they may not at the moment be able to.

[KathyM]

Nobody can change the past, but what your boyfriend CAN do is to be a part of his children's lives as much as possible, and assure them that the separation was not their fault. Many children of divorced families blame themselves for the divorce and think that it was somehow their fault that daddy left. Especially the four years olds are inclined to believe that. It will negatively impact the kids, but the best way to minimize the harm done is for him to reassure them that he left because he was not happy in the marriage, and it had nothing to do with them, and assure them that they will always be loved by both him and their mother, and that that will never change. And make sure he spends as much time with his kids as possible to normalize their lives as much as possible.

[TaraMaiden]

tara wrote, " parents remain realistic, sensible and level-headed"

 

As "logical" as this sounds. The problem most people involved in a triangle have is to remain realistic, sensible and level-headed".

 

You're quite right of course - and simply because some can do it, it doesn't follow others can....

 

Is it realistic and sensible for a person in a committed R w/children to have sex w/another?

Is it sensible and level headed for a third party/ person to have sex w/committed person?

Is it realistic for either of the cheating persons to think the person being cheated on will not show any emotion regardless of who is around being that they are human beings w/a now broken heart and soul?

 

This has nothing to do with having children.

This is an entirely adult-fuelled situation.

That is to say, when people launch into an affair, they never consider the wider consequences.

If the fact they're already in a committed relationship with another adult, is not sufficient to stop them banging someone else, then sure as eggs is, having children is even less of a brake....

 

It is BECAUSE of the unrealistic, loss of sensibility and level-headedness from Grown supposedly mature adults that A's happen in the first place.

Now the betrayed parties are expected to be something they may not at the moment be able to.

 

When people reach the moment when the discussion of separation/divorce raises its head, often (but admittedly, not always) the main first-wave of fury, desperation, distress, anger and bewilderment has passed.

 

Once discussions are under way to effect the next step, people tend to have more wits about them, than before.

 

When my ex and I separated, we ensured that whatever we did was based on our own situation.

We separated the children to a completely different level and dealt with their situation in our divorce, completely separately.

 

The result has been completely fruitful.

 

I reiterate: I understand that not everyone has either the opportunity or situation where they feel able to do this.

Everyone is different.

 

My point is - and has been all along - to offer the kind of advice/counsel the OP needs to pass on to her partner, on how to achieve the best possible situation with his children.

[Got it]

Hi. We had an affair. He moved out of family home. Now has a flat. We are happy, but... it's finally sunk in with him what he has done. He is distraught, missing his girls. The pain of it is tearing him apart and affecting me and him. As a fatherless woman (through affairs and separation) I feel like the wicked temptress and this was all my fault. Basically, we found our happiness, but at what cost. I don't know what to do. I have raised the subject of him going back. He says he doesn't think he can. He said he wanted me so much he moved heaven and earth, and now he has what he wants, but at the cost of his daughters happiness. Feels like he has let them down. Hates himself. Things are now really tough. I just want everyone to be okay, and in turn would put my happiness aside to make him happy, and as an extension, his three daughters.

Is this just a phase, it's only been four weeks since he left them. Will it get any better for him? I am scared because I don't want our relationship to break down. He is the only man I could ever see myself being with. But I don't want him unhappy either. Does talking about it to him make it worse? I just don't know what to do.

Please help!

Thanks.

 

I think IC would be helpful for him to work through these emotions as well as family counseling with his girls to work on his relationship with him.

 

I sympathize with his emotions, my husband felt and went through the same thing. It was and is a long mourning process and he greatly misses seeing his kids on a daily basis.

[Got it]

OP - what has helped dMM/my husband is putting in consistency with the kids, I would advise he have his own place, and spending a lot of one on one time with the kids.

 

I didn't start to interact with the kids until year 2 of the separation/divorce and then there was another 6 months between the first two meetings. I did not want to rush things and even now when we have the kids EOW I make sure that they have one on one time during that period. His relationship with them is paramount and so allowing that time to heal, nurture and grow is ideal.

 

My husband was not able to take the kids to therapy based on our state needing both parents' consent to therapy so its been a longer process.

 

One thing that has really helped with his relationship with the kids and mine as well is the introduction and involvement of my pets with them. It gives a common focal point, the kids like them, like to help take care of them, and gives them some cuddle time. Since the kids have never had pets before it has really helped bridge things and grow our relationship. And the kids helped decide on the family dog and any future pets; we make sure they have say.

 

So I recommend going slow, don't be too involved with them too early, and encourage him to get as much time with them that he can.

[Goodbye]

Goodbye, that's not the point, the point of the post was an answer to the question, how to make sure this does not effect the kids, answer, you can not. Kids pay the price for the actions of adults in their lives, be it an affair, abuse, a bad marriage, whatever.. It's the way it is and it can not be undone. The impact can be minimized by adults that care and handle the situation maturely, but it can not be erased, it just can not.

 

 

Don't over generalize. I know you fancy yourself an expert on child development. Many of us here are both mom's and professionals dealing with kids. My statement came from the fact that I AM a divorced mom and have three happy, well adjusted, loved and loving daughters...aged 12, 12, and 15. There ARE ways to conduct oneself that can make it healthy and happy for kids to growing up in "non-conforming families."

Edited May 24, 2013 by Goodbye
typo

[TaraMaiden]

Tara, the point is that he needs to face what he has done to his kids and accept it and then and only then can he start to minimize.

 

What gives you the impression this isn't happening right now?

You make it sound as if you think he's done this with a breeze....

I think the emotional upheaval he is experiencing right now is pretty much evidence that he is facing it... don't you?

 

You can give him a free pass by not pointing out the painful truth first, but that's not going to get him to understand the challenge he has before him because of his actions.

 

Er... OK... Where did I do that, exactly?

I think my posts more than amply pointed out the challenge he has before him..

 

Free pass...?

 

(Dafuq....??)

 

Minimizing the actions of adults does not help the kids, it may soothe their guilt, but guilt is not always a bad thing. Hard lessons are sometimes the best lessons. Dealing with your own truth is the best way to do better in the future.

 

Oh kerrist... You're a 'glass half empty' merchant....

 

Nobody - least of all I - has 'minimised' his actions....

 

Like I said - don't pour water onto sincere efforts to support.

 

Offer some positive support yourself.

After all, you work with kids....

What works??

[threelaurels]

Don't over generalize. I know you fancy yourself an expert on child development. Many of us here are both mom's and professionals dealing with kids. My statement came from the fact that I AM a divorced mom and have three happy, well adjusted, loved and loving daughters...aged 12, 12, and 15. There ARE ways to conduct oneself that can make it healthy and happy for kids to growing up in "non-conforming families."

 

It's true that there are ways to help kids in divorced households grow up healthy and happy, but statistics show that children of divorced households have far more negative outcomes compared to children of non-divorced households even when everything is done 'right'.

 

For example, growing up in a divorced household makes you 40% more likely to get divorced yourself. If one or both parents remarry after the divorce, it increases to 91% (Wolfinger - Understanding the Divorce Cycle).

 

Furthermore, children of divorced households are more likely to die earlier than children of non-divorced homes (The Longevity Project). The same study also found that children who experience a parental death are far better adjusted in the long run than children of divorced households.

[Goodbye]

Darn, should have read this before I divorced. Maybe exH will take me back because we were so happy. Bet my kids miss having such happy parents!

[Goodbye]

And, if you search "Divorce and Children" you can find MANY articles supporting the perspective that, in bad marriages, divorce is best...including on long term development. You can always find research, strong research, to support an opinion. That is how it is. For example, there was an article in the Huffington Post (May 18, 2012) "Divorce and Kids: 5 Ways Divorce Benefits Kids". Scroll to the bibliography; psychologists from plenty of highly regarded institutions are cited. I recall that a similar thread devolved into a competition between parents who thought the best route was to white knuckle it through a bad marriage vs. parents who thought leaving would spare people the most pain. Every situation is unique. When I read the arguments on here about how people stayed in a marriage "for the kids," it often seems like a rationalization...sometimes that is the easier way out.

 

What I DO know is that my exH and I have done the following things and our kids are doing VERY well:

 

1) We do not discuss adult matters with them.

2) We do not say negative things about the other to them.

3) We go to family counseling.

4) We do not introduce significant others to the kids or involve them in our daily lives. We've agreed we would discuss with each other before ever doing so.

5) We live in close proximity and put the children's needs before our own.

6) We both participate in their events.

 

We did not have a good marriage but we are both mature and intelligent adults. Children can thrive in a wide variety of homes, if there is love and stability in the form of predictability.

[Athens]

Tara, I do not fancy myself anything other than someone trying to make the best of the situation I was dealt. You can deny the damage affairs do all you want and soothe yourself with nasty potshots, but it does not change the collateral damage done by selfish adults on kids, don't need to be an expert to understand that, just an honest, insightful person, period.

And for the record, I acknowledge my role in opening the door that lead to my husband walked through to make the biggest mistake of his life, I know the role I played in the damage to my kids.

[goneundone]

As someone who's marriage has broken up due to an A (though I am not with my AP) its hard.

 

But my kids are thriving. It was not always like this. At the start it was hellish. My exH was a mess, I was a mess. The kids saw this and suffered. Lack of attention, fighting, they saw it all.

 

At the beginning of our separation my exH would text me while with the kids that he was feeling sick, he couldn't take care of them on his own, etc. etc.

 

Now its different. We realize that they just need us to be/act normal and happy and give them ATTENTION AND LOVE. It has nothing to do with our general mental states.

 

My kids have a better relationship with Daddy than they ever have. Before it was traditional- come home at 7-8pm, talk to them a bit, tuck in, get on with your business- work/tv/reading/relaxing. Now he plans things for them on his weekends, he interacts with them on his days of the week. He does everything for them on his days. They don't see us fight. They don't live in a stressed/tense environment where we are so busy with our lame attempts at reconciliation (this is just my situation, not anyone elses) they are happy.

 

I also want to reiterate a very important point that another previous poster said: YOU will miss them more than they will. When my kids are gone some weekends, I feel lonely and depressed. But I don't feel bad for them. They are with a person that is central and important in their lives, just as important as me. They are getting something that they NEED- time with their father. We don't parent exactly the same way, but I never worry that they are not happy when they are with him.

 

Also- at the beginning they did not want to go visit him at his apartment and it really upset my exH. It was because he was always sad and wasn't able to be fully present with them. When he got over it and put their needs first, they were fine.

 

I also recommend that he and the 8 year old go to counseling.

 

I promise if he keeps things upbeat, optimistic, etc they will flourish. Even if they cry when they leave him- they'll be fine once they are with mom. They'll always be in a place with an adult who loves them and shows it. It becomes a new normal.

 

Please assure your MM (DMM?) that things take a bit of time, that's how life goes and to just be a Dad, even if he isn't their mom's husband anymore.

 

You should also make sure he gets alone time with the kids without you around. He'll come back to you happy and recharged. If you're around it'll be weird for the kids, even if they don't say anything.

 

There's plenty of love to go around for you, even if he had twice the amount of kids. Its a different type of love he has with you (the romantic kind).

 

Good luck! I speak from experience here (12, 10, 8, 4 year old).

 

Wow. Very good information. Thank you.