I Challenge the No Contact Theory

[Leigh 87]

NO matter how endearing, inspirational, hot, and fantastic you become since your ex left; They WILL NEVER fall madly in love with you. They never were to begin with, or they would not have left.

 

You are better served moving on totally from an ex, and allowing yourself to find a person who truly IS madly in love with you; and will try to find a way to resolve things no matter HOW hopeless they seem.

 

NC is to move on.

 

Why on earth would you stay stuck on a person who will NEVER be able to fall truly in love with you no matter HOW awesome you become?

 

We could all become the BEST version of ourselves and our exes would still never "realises" that they actually are crazily in love with us after all:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

WHY try to hang out in the hope that you can seem unavailable and look super hot and show her how you don't care and how wonderful you are?

 

.....................................

 

Honestly, they could find a person that is not as hot as you; that is not as interesting as you; and they will still fall more in love with them, simply because they have the capacity to love them.

 

They did not have the capacity to love us EVEN IF we were the absolute best version of ourselves....................

 

............................................................................

 

Only like, 2% of the population leaves a person they were TRULY in love with, and come back.

 

And the dumpee would only BE in the position to take them back once they had accepted NC and learnt to live happily without them.

 

..............................................................................

 

If they somehow realised that were crazy in love with you/wanted to marry you/needed to try again with you, if you had been siting around being hung up over them, you would not be in a healthy mental state to take them back anyway.

 

...............................................................................

 

To even be in the right mindset to take a person back if they are truly serious about it, you too should be in a healthy mental state to even consider a second chance!

 

With NC, we can be in the right mind frame to think about taking an ex back. Not that this is what NC is for.

 

................................................................................

 

Look, NC is a double edged sword; you do not use to get them back, yet you NEED NC if your ever going to be READY to take them back.

[Jon Lock]

This is ridiculous.

 

You're not challenging any theory - you're not even making sense.

 

NC is a process you go through in order to move on. Full stop.

 

You aren't doing this at the moment because, and I quote; "i obviously do not want to move on". So how are you challenging any theory if you're not even undertaking the action that the 'theory' advises?

[tbf]

To challenge is to perceive a game afoot. There's no game. The definition of NC is to pack up your marbles and opt out.

[moneyneversleeps]

Countless people come here for advice on HOW TO GET THEIR EX BACK.

This is a game indeed. People choose to not believe it because they don't have their own opinions. Nor do they try things differently.

Everyone tells them that no contact is the only way to get their ex back. People keep hope. This is clearly a strategy.

If this isn't a strategy than you aren't teaching them how to reconcile. You are teaching them to move on.

 

Needless to say.

I still remain in no contact. Timing is everything. Success comes only from doing things differently. Have your own opinion. I feel like like the sheep are honing in..

I'm 3 days sober.

Booked my trip around the world and leaving in a week. I wont be back for about 7 weeks.

 

And finally, this person WAS MADLY in love with me. I just didn't treat them right. I was blind. I didn't see the signs, likely because of my immaturity and my lack of experience in long term relationships. (this was my first long term).

And i also believe people learn to love. I wasn't madly in love with my ex probably until the last year we were together.

We were seeing each other for a year and official for almost 4 years.

(from age of 18-23)

Eventually i got too involved in my work, stopped having fun with her only ( i was still partying with work and friends), i got controlling, stubborn and didn't let her express herself.

It was always my way or the highway.

People get sick of this. Eventually something has got to give. Especially because she was so motivated, intelligent, resilient and willing to make her mark on the world.

 

Ok. Here come the cynics.. Don't hold back.

[TaraMaiden]

Countless people come here for advice on HOW TO GET THEIR EX BACK.

This is a game indeed. People choose to not believe it because they don't have their own opinions. Nor do they try things differently.

Everyone tells them that no contact is the only way to get their ex back. People keep hope. This is clearly a strategy.

'Keeping hope' is absolutely NOT any part of No Contact at all, whatsoever. And those harbouring Hope, are advised in the strongest of terms, that to do so is foolish.

 

This is what I tell people, and I say this a lot:

 

"There's no 'i' in team, and all 'hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'."

 

Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE.

 

However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world “except one”.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'Hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'.....

Hope does nothing but leave a Hole in your heart, and make it bleed longer.

 

If this isn't a strategy than you aren't teaching them how to reconcile. You are teaching them to move on.

Yes...that is PRECISELY the whole, focused point of No Conatct.

 

You ahven't got that yet, clearly.....?

 

Needless to say.

I still remain in no contact. Timing is everything. Success comes only from doing things differently. Have your own opinion. I feel like like the sheep are honing in..

Darling, you do whatever you want to do. Whatever your strategy is, good luck to you.

But you can't call it No Contact, because you are operating on ideology that completely counteracts what NC stands for.

Let's just say you have suspended communication for your own ends....

 

I'm 3 days sober.

Booked my trip around the world and leaving in a week. I wont be back for about 7 weeks.

 

Just send the postcard to TaraMaiden, LoveShack, the WWW.

 

I'll be sure to get it and pass on your good wishes to everyone..

 

And finally, this person WAS MADLY in love with me. I just didn't treat them right. I was blind. I didn't see the signs, likely because of my immaturity and my lack of experience in long term relationships. (this was my first long term).

Ah.

There you have it.

The operative word is 'WAS'.

I doubt her feelings are quite as strong in that particular direction, now....

 

And i also believe people learn to love. I wasn't madly in love with my ex probably until the last year we were together.

We were seeing each other for a year and official for almost 4 years.

(from age of 18-23)

Yes, no wonder it all hit the fan. Your brain wasn't ready for common sense.

 

Eventually i got too involved in my work, stopped having fun with her only ( i was still partying with work and friends), i got controlling, stubborn and didn't let her express herself.

It was always my way or the highway.

People get sick of this. Eventually something has got to give. Especially because she was so motivated, intelligent, resilient and willing to make her mark on the world.

Well, let me tell you that even if you do persuade her, it will take you a long time, and she will want to see ready, job-done evidence that you have changed for the better.

She will want to see proof.

Actions. Permanent ones. Established. Not Words.

 

(...Even then, she may not be persuaded.)

 

As GI_Joy put it elsewhere,

 

Your relationship was some awesome dinner you guys made together, but somewhere along the way the dinner got spoiled, so you have to throw it away. Now would she really keep going back to the trash can to grab a bite of it because she misses how good it tasted? Hell no! She would leave it in the trash where it belongs and go make a new dinner with someone else!

 

Ok. Here come the cynics.. Don't hold back.

 

No, really.

Do what you want.

But (1) don't call it 'No Contact' because that's bull, and (2) EXPECT disappointment.

[tbf]

You are teaching them to move on.

The heavens have opened and angels are belting out their rapture. Finally, finally you get it!!

[Eternal Sunshine]

you sound like you are couple of steps away from a restraining order

[moneyneversleeps]

A bit crazy the last couple of days. So an update you on my situation is due.

Currently 1am, just got home from romantic dinner and barely above average sex. Tried sleeping the night with her but seriously didn't have the attention span or the energy to do so.

On my way home called the 2nd girlfriend.. Yep the second. It appears that I am exclusively tied to two women at the moment and didn't even realise what i had got myself into :s Now i understand how people fall into relationships, half asleep and with no intention to ever be with them for the long term - no matter how much they improve themselves (i think i owe that line to leigh).

 

You would all be glad to know that I still remain NC - exactly 28 days from the last text msg today. Yep, this stubborn, arrogant a-hole finally took some advice on board.

And finally- i know people don't think someone can change in 3 months, but I believe i have, or at least on the right track.

 

The ironic part- she left to find herself and i am the one that found my inner light. Truthfully, i believe she is still in square one, but that shouldn't matter anyway.

 

And that brings me to my final bone of contention.

As a single man, i have improved in every aspect of life. The only thing missing, is literally her. I figure i can spoil others, or just myself anyway.

So why do relationships allow us to get so complacent and sloppy? Why do they prevent us from living in the present moment to the fullest extent?

 

I still get my ups and downs. But currently I'm no longer angry at her. This needed to happen. We were too young. Whether she comes back or not i guess it doesn't matter. Now I know i can win her back and i know exactly how. My moment of clarity has come - how did I not see it before..

The trouble is, I don't know if this is what i want anymore.

[BustedUpInside]

A bit crazy the last couple of days. So an update you on my situation is due.

Currently 1am, just got home from romantic dinner and barely above average sex. Tried sleeping the night with her but seriously didn't have the attention span or the energy to do so.

On my way home called the 2nd girlfriend.. Yep the second. It appears that I am exclusively tied to two women at the moment and didn't even realise what i had got myself into :s Now i understand how people fall into relationships, half asleep and with no intention to ever be with them for the long term - no matter how much they improve themselves (i think i owe that line to leigh).

 

You would all be glad to know that I still remain NC - exactly 28 days from the last text msg today. Yep, this stubborn, arrogant a-hole finally took some advice on board.

And finally- i know people don't think someone can change in 3 months, but I believe i have, or at least on the right track.

 

The ironic part- she left to find herself and i am the one that found my inner light. Truthfully, i believe she is still in square one, but that shouldn't matter anyway.

 

And that brings me to my final bone of contention.

As a single man, i have improved in every aspect of life. The only thing missing, is literally her. I figure i can spoil others, or just myself anyway.

So why do relationships allow us to get so complacent and sloppy? Why do they prevent us from living in the present moment to the fullest extent?

 

I still get my ups and downs. But currently I'm no longer angry at her. This needed to happen. We were too young. Whether she comes back or not i guess it doesn't matter. Now I know i can win her back and i know exactly how. My moment of clarity has come - how did I not see it before..

The trouble is, I don't know if this is what i want anymore.

 

Your brain must be huge. You came up with a master plan for getting your ex back and still had enough time to go on TWO "romantic" dates and have some barely average sex (I am sure it was all due to her and nothing to do with your skills).

 

So, of the thousands of people on this site, and the millions of people out there who have been dealing with breakups and wanting to get their ex's back, YOU have come up with the perfect plan.

 

Will you get serious??!!! It is so painfully obvious that you are hung up on your ex because you obsess about her moving on or improving her life and then go on to note all the ways in which you are better off without her. Then, you list all the ways in which other women are oh so attracted to you, implying that she is somehow missing out.

 

I understand that you are probably hurting and just need some confirmation to help soothe a bruised ego, but let all the pretense go and you will find a lot more support and helpful advice on this site.

[Leigh 87]

A bit crazy the last couple of days. So an update you on my situation is due.

Currently 1am, just got home from romantic dinner and barely above average sex. Tried sleeping the night with her but seriously didn't have the attention span or the energy to do so.

On my way home called the 2nd girlfriend.. Yep the second. It appears that I am exclusively tied to two women at the moment and didn't even realise what i had got myself into :s Now i understand how people fall into relationships, half asleep and with no intention to ever be with them for the long term - no matter how much they improve themselves (i think i owe that line to leigh).

 

You would all be glad to know that I still remain NC - exactly 28 days from the last text msg today. Yep, this stubborn, arrogant a-hole finally took some advice on board.

And finally- i know people don't think someone can change in 3 months, but I believe i have, or at least on the right track.

 

The ironic part- she left to find herself and i am the one that found my inner light. Truthfully, i believe she is still in square one, but that shouldn't matter anyway.

 

And that brings me to my final bone of contention.

As a single man, i have improved in every aspect of life. The only thing missing, is literally her. I figure i can spoil others, or just myself anyway.

So why do relationships allow us to get so complacent and sloppy? Why do they prevent us from living in the present moment to the fullest extent?

 

I still get my ups and downs. But currently I'm no longer angry at her. This needed to happen. We were too young. Whether she comes back or not i guess it doesn't matter. Now I know i can win her back and i know exactly how. My moment of clarity has come - how did I not see it before..

The trouble is, I don't know if this is what i want anymore.

 

 

 

 

I am improving myself too. But I am doing it for myself, as it will really make my life better as a whole, and it will make it more likely that I will find a healthier relationship when I start dating again.

 

My ex thought it was great how I am trying to make positive changes to my life; he loved that I reconnected with friends, had a lot of friends to re connect with after years of only having him and few friends.

 

Among other changes, though; IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH to make him fall in love with me. That ship has sailed.

 

It really is like putting a burnt dinner in the trash - no matter how good it tasted before being burnt, on one will just take it out of the trash!

 

People re build and start from scratch with a new person.

 

Look, it IS very rare, we are talking 100 to one here, that once relationship ends, the DUMPER realises how in love still are and come back.

[moneyneversleeps]

Your brain must be huge. You came up with a master plan for getting your ex back and still had enough time to go on TWO "romantic" dates and have some barely average sex (I am sure it was all due to her and nothing to do with your skills).

 

So, of the thousands of people on this site, and the millions of people out there who have been dealing with breakups and wanting to get their ex's back, YOU have come up with the perfect plan.

 

Will you get serious??!!! It is so painfully obvious that you are hung up on your ex because you obsess about her moving on or improving her life and then go on to note all the ways in which you are better off without her. Then, you list all the ways in which other women are oh so attracted to you, implying that she is somehow missing out.

 

I understand that you are probably hurting and just need some confirmation to help soothe a bruised ego, but let all the pretense go and you will find a lot more support and helpful advice on this site.

 

I don't get it.

You have provided no substance in your entire comment. You seem angry. You must be a dumpee.

I didn't go on two dates. I am a serial dater. As soon as I split with my ex I have been 'dating' a new girl pretty much every week.

Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes it doesn't. I don't really care. It makes me feel better about myself. It works. I feel like she is missing out on great things that I celebrate and that makes me sad.. Weird huh? I love to impact other people's life and spoil them with fun/excitement.

And yes. I can pretty much guarantee I can get her back now.

It's funny though. Apparently hope was meant to be dangerous, but the more I move on, it is kind of sad, because I know she can also move on too.

Love doesn't exist at all. It's just a mixture of lust, attraction and safety.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Everyone tells them that no contact is the only way to get their ex back.

 

Are you sure you're on the same site as the rest of us? "No contact" is not a strategy for getting an ex back. It's a strategy for recovering your self and your life after the devastation of a break up.

 

 

If this isn't a strategy than you aren't teaching them how to reconcile. You are teaching them to move on.

 

That's more like it.

[TaraMaiden]

.......

And that brings me to my final bone of contention.

As a single man, i have improved in every aspect of life. The only thing missing, is literally her.

So why do relationships allow us to get so complacent and sloppy? Why do they prevent us from living in the present moment to the fullest extent?

 

"The consequences of our actions take hold of us quite indifferent to our claim that in the meanwhile, we have 'improved' ".

Nietzsche.

 

if you still miss her and want her in your life, you have a funny way of showing it.

Randomly dating other women . including screwing them - is not an improvement, in these circumstances, and what's more, I highly doubt your ex would see that as 'improvement' either.

What you believe is improvement, I think you'll find we see as desperation.

Desperation to prove everything is fine and dandy, and that you can move on, but which in fact just fills the by yawning hole and gap in your life, left by her departure.

 

You seem to put the responsibility of complacency and sloppiness onto the 'relationship' as if it's a separate dynamic you happen to be connected to.

You ARE the relationship. Complacency and sloppiness is down to you. Own it.

If you do not live in the present moment - then you do not live at all. You just float and go along for the ride.

And again, that's on you.....

 

I still get my ups and downs. But currently I'm no longer angry at her. This needed to happen. We were too young. Whether she comes back or not i guess it doesn't matter. Now I know i can win her back and i know exactly how.

Really? Do tell.....

 

My moment of clarity has come - how did I not see it before..

What moment of clarity? Damned if we can see it either....

 

The trouble is, I don't know if this is what i want anymore.

Well she bloody well won't I can tell you that for nothing. Particularly when you expose the fact you've been gaily parking it elsewhere, in the meantime....

 

.......

I didn't go on two dates. I am a serial dater. As soon as I split with my ex I have been 'dating' a new girl pretty much every week.

Sometimes it leads to sex, sometimes it doesn't. I don't really care. It makes me feel better about myself. It works. I feel like she is missing out on great things that I celebrate and that makes me sad.. Weird huh? I love to impact other people's life and spoil them with fun/excitement.

And yes. I can pretty much guarantee I can get her back now.

It's funny though. Apparently hope was meant to be dangerous, but the more I move on, it is kind of sad, because I know she can also move on too.

Love doesn't exist at all. It's just a mixture of lust, attraction and safety.

 

There is so much wrong with the above, I truly have no idea where to begin.

You are a mass of self-contradictory, desperate statements. I actually feel quite sad for you.

Phukking everything you can to get over a pain you quite clearly are not ready to drop, wanting your ex back yet claiming you are happy as you are.....

 

Sad. Desperately sad.

Desperate AND sad......

[BustedUpInside]

You seem angry. You must be a dumpee.

 

Duh.......... I have only been posting about being dumped for like three months now.

[Jon Lock]

Love doesn't exist at all. It's just a mixture of lust, attraction and safety.

 

This says it all really. Such a naive comment. It clearly demonstrates you're lack of experience in this matter - which admittedly, on my behalf, is extremely intricate and complex, and furthermore very much down to the life experience of the person. But if this is your opinion of love, your version of love, so be it. It's you that has to live with the consequences of such a fickle and nonchalant attitude.

 

And what's great about this - about my little 2 cents above (^) - I don't believe in the whole fairytale bull***t that is portrayed in the media as "love"; I'm a realist. But the drama that you seem to love wallowing in, is as meaningless and pathetic as the Hollywood Love we're constantly exposed to.

 

But of course, you are completely entitled to whatever makes you happy and I wish you the best of luck.

[moneyneversleeps]

ok

so i think i took it too far tonight.

yep still waiting for my timing to reconcile.. yet i have made no effort.

2 days ago i met someone. approx 12 years older than me.

she is awesome. tonight i went over and did the deed. After, her kids came home. i had dinner with them. we were like one big happy family. I got them to call me uncle. F**k knows why.

i had a great time and the sex was definitely above average.

the single life is definitely interesting.

 

PS side note: one of the children was only 8 years younger than me so we got along pretty well.

[TaraMaiden]

You keep screwing random women and still expect us to believe you want to reconcile with your ex.....?

 

What do you think we are - stupid?

 

Your ex- isn't stupid either.

 

I'd love to be in on the reconciliation talk.

 

(If indeed, it ever takes place... )

 

That would be priceless....

[Xinreeki]

yep still waiting for my timing to reconcile.. yet i have made no effort.

 

Why do you even what to reconcile, when you are so happy being single?

[moneyneversleeps]

You keep screwing random women and still expect us to believe you want to reconcile with your ex.....?

 

What do you think we are - stupid?

 

Your ex- isn't stupid either.

 

I'd love to be in on the reconciliation talk.

 

(If indeed, it ever takes place... )

 

That would be priceless....

 

What do you expect me to do?

Wait around?

Im sure she isn't sitting at home twiddling her thumbs either.

and if im single why cant i be sleeping around with random women?

[simplyamazing]

What do you expect me to do?

Wait around?

Im sure she isn't sitting at home twiddling her thumbs either.

and if im single why cant i be sleeping around with random women?

 

 

Well, usually if you want to get back with an Ex... you don't go sleeping around every day of the week.

[landshark]

Ok, moneyneversleeps, here goes, you're logic is tight but we're talking about emotions and feelings here. I did NC, got my **** together and got together with her. I had a feeling (and intel) that she was seeing someone, but did it anyway. It went well so I thought, and I asked her to go skiing and she agreed and invited me to her graduation ceremony. Texted her to confirm and she cancelled saying that she had "an injury." Found out that she went up with the guy in question, then two weeks later got together with her (a meeting in which she showed up stoned) and confronted her about her new bf. She admitted it and said that she still wanted me to come to graduation with her AND THE BF AND HER PARENTS...talk about stepping in it, I jumped into a vat...NC works and from Caliguy and TaraMaiden if she wants to get back together she will do the calling. Having to jettison yourself into her presence is usually counterproductive as many posts here will prove. She asked me if I was seeing someone and I told her it was none of her business and that I don't talk about present gfs with past. Period. Make new friends, work out like a fiend (I lost thirty pounds). Bottom line, when you contact them you lose currency. My ex knows loud and clear what I want: to have a conversation about what happened, put the relationship on the table, put a blowtorch to it and take the ashes and make something better. She needs to make the first move and I'm having a tough time (obviously) but will not wait for the phone to ring. Interested to hear your thoughts...

[moneyneversleeps]

Landshark.

Your gf is treating you like a doormat. I can't believe she invited you and cancelled only to go with someone else. Unacceptable. Especially of a high value man such as yourself.. Seriously, you will feel like **** if you go.. I suggest you say ok, then call a little closer to the date and cancel on her. See how she likes it.

 

So here goes guys. I BROKE NO CONTACT TODAY. and here is how it went.

she was happy that i called. she also said she was scared to call because she thought i wouldn't want to contact her.. she immediately asked to catchup.

 

So now here is the fishy part. She asked to catch up in 2 weeks because she is busy.. So for all of you out there, this is her trying to pretend that she has 'heaps on' and trying to play me.. Unacceptable. Not sure of my game plan yet. I need a way to stop her power trip now.

[Xinreeki]

Landshark.

Your gf is treating you like a doormat. I can't believe she invited you and cancelled only to go with someone else. Unacceptable. Especially of a high value man such as yourself.. Seriously, you will feel like **** if you go.. I suggest you say ok, then call a little closer to the date and cancel on her. See how she likes it.

 

So here goes guys. I BROKE NO CONTACT TODAY. and here is how it went.

she was happy that i called. she also said she was scared to call because she thought i wouldn't want to contact her.. she immediately asked to catchup.

 

So now here is the fishy part. She asked to catch up in 2 weeks because she is busy.. So for all of you out there, this is her trying to pretend that she has 'heaps on' and trying to play me.. Unacceptable. Not sure of my game plan yet. I need a way to stop her power trip now.

 

 

Again, WHY do you even what to get back with her? If she is this manipulative and you're happy single (where you have the opportunity to sleep with lots of new women), why try and get her back at all?

 

Why not just stay happy single for now, until you find someone who is a better match for you and who ISN'T manipulative like she is?

 

Sounds like you would be MUCH better off with someone who wasn't always trying to use "power plays" on you like this...

 

It makes no sense to me, why you even want her back...

[moneyneversleeps]

xinreeki

ALL women play games and have power trips.

Women are much more developed/advanced creatures socially.

So they play games and don't even realise it.

[Xinreeki]

xinreeki

ALL women play games and have power trips.

Women are much more developed/advanced creatures socially.

So they play games and don't even realise it.

 

How can women be "more advanced creatures socially" and yet not even realize what "games" they are playing, when you, being a "less socially developed creature" (by your own admission), have all these "games" figured out?

 

Your logic is flawed sir. Who is more socially advanced?

 

You, being able to figure out all these "power trips"? Or women, who supposedly "play games" without even realizing it?

Edited June 3, 2013 by Xinreeki