I thought I can keep it casual

[movingon45]

We were college sweethearts. On and off because he was a struggling artist and I was so needy. Had a school reunion after 25 years. Texts became sexual after 2 years of keeping it clean. My H is impotent (we have no kids) so I thought I'd try having sex with the exMM who has a perfect family with 2 kids (we didn't do it in college so I was curious). We did it 3 times. He calls our A "serious f*ck" and that we're "on call."

 

Then I broke the A with him because we were supposed to meet out of the country, but he said that he didn't get my message because his phone was thrown in the tub! However, I saw that he was online on instagram because he liked some photos. Big fight because he denied it and I insisted that I saw what I saw.

 

Went NC for a few months, then LC. Just like in college we were on and off. His texts became sexual again a few weeks ago, and I thought well maybe we can have the A again. I just have to keep it casual and I have to learn to compartmentalize like him. I thought it's a win win situation because I get to have the sex with him which I don't get from my H and he well maybe he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. We have not had a chance to meet again though after the fight.

 

Now, his family went on a 3-week vacation. It's just week 2 and I'm already going crazy checking my phone. We didn't say not to contact each other, but I think it's a given that we shouldn't. I don't think I can make it casual. The waiting is killing me! Also, I know that the grass is always greener, but I really suffer from looking at his family photos on instagram of an ideal family. He's now very successful, while my H is not (he's not penniless though). I chose my husband over him in college because he was nothing then and now everything has changed!

 

My question: for those who are able to have fwb, how do you do it? Is it true that men can compartmentalize, while women can't because we get emotionally attached?

[NPP10]

This is why I cannot do FWB with my xMM, or anyone. He wanted to be "just friends" after Dday. I said that is fine--but just friends because I won't be attached how I was. I told him it wasn't fair to me.

[TaraMaiden]

My question: for those who are able to have fwb, how do you do it? Is it true that men can compartmentalize, while women can't because we get emotionally attached?

 

In a generalising nutshell, yes.

 

Obviously, those who are able to have fwb, fall outside this generalising nutshell.

 

Note:

I am not a fwb.

[PennyV]

I'm a woman in a FWB relationship. We are both married and it works for us.

 

I think it's true what you say about compartmentalisation being the key. My AP says I have a box that he is in which I open when we are together and close when we are not. We both stick to a fairly strict set of contact rules, regarding timings, 'safe' single purpose email addresses and mobile phones etc which makes it all seem very calculated and maybe it is but that is the only way it works.

 

He is my sounding board, someone I can always turn to for an honest and unbiased opinion and I do the same for him. Neither of us criticise our BS's although we have both on occasion vented frustration as one would with any friend. Many will call it justification (and they may be right) but for me he fills a void which reduces my stress levels and makes me easier to live with.

 

I do have strong feelings for my AP and I know he loves me and that in fact he struggles with his feelings more than I do. He stays with his BS because he has children and a full time relationship with me is not an option. I stay because I love my BH but cannot and will not live without the intimacy which he is unwilling to offer.

 

Many will say that I should divorce my BH and I would say that everyone is entitled to their opinion. I personally choose not to judge nor to offer advice. I am simply posting to answer OP's original question.

[TaraMaiden]

70% of that elaboration was unnecessary.

I'm hoping that simply because you took the decision to provide all that information, you won't be flayed alive.

 

You're not in a FWB situation.

 

You're in an adulterous relationship.

It is what it is, and if you're ok with that, then fine.

 

A proper FWB situation is one where neither side is either attached to each other or anyone else.

Which means, effectively, that you would be absolutely free to have a casual FWB with anyone you wanted, without getting hurt, or hurting others.

 

There is no commitment, no promise, no tie, no complication.

 

I'm guessing that if your AP were to start having an affair with yet another woman outside his marriage, you would find that hard to bear.

Or if you were to do the same, I'm wondering how he would feel about that.

 

You're having an extra-marital affair.

It is, what it is.

You need to be honest, and call it what it is.

[BrokenPrincess]

I had a FWB while in college and a few years after. Our physical compatibility was phenomenal, and I genuinely liked him as a person but did not want a romantic exclusive relationship with him. Over the years, we tried twice to "date" properly because we got along decently well and obviously were physically compatible, but we just weren't a perfect match like that--different hobbies, conversations could get boring or awkard, sense of humor didn't always click...it just wasn't natural. We took a couple years off in the middle while I had a boyfriend I loved and lived with, and then after that breakup, we resumed FWB for a couple more years until I met my now H.

 

Here's why it worked--we were on equal footing (both single) so there wasn't an inbalance of power or pressure of things at stake (like primary relationships or family), we respected each other as friends, and we both did not want to be more than FWB.

 

From what you have described, I don't think it has anything to do with being able to compartmentalize or with genders. You clearly want more than FWB with him. Otherwise, you wouldn't care if he hasn't called you in a few days or be fantasizing about what could've been. It doesn't sound like your relationship has ever been balanced and it seems like there have been some lapses in respectful behavior.

 

If you truly want to pursue just a sexual partner, this is not the guy to do it with.

[PennyV]

I'd rather not be flayed too! But what will be will be, I suppose!

 

I accept what you say and do agree to a certain extent. The point I was making (or trying to!) was that for me, as the OP asked, compartmentalisation is key. We are like imaginary friends.....he is there when I need/want him although not at my beck and call but is not part of my daily life or my social circle.

[HonestNeurotic]

FWB is easy compared to an affair. I am now in an open marriage, and I was not when I was seeing my ex AP for four years. Which was all just sex and no emotions. I kinda think more like a dude when it comes to emotional stuff.

 

Now I am in an affair, and I truly only wanted the sex, but emotions have come into play and it's much more difficult to separate the two - sex and love. i.e, when we "break up", I will NOT be able to keep him as a friend. As I could with FWB's that I've had in the past when I was single. THOSE guys are still my friends. This is a love affair. I'm fine with it continuing in perpetuity on my side, however, I don't think that he really is. I think one day he will want more. And I am totally fine just being married to my H.

 

For the most part - men define themselves by their work, women by their relationships. Me? I felt worse when I got laid off than I did when any dude ever broke up with me.

 

All that to say that yes, I think it can work, but both of you need to have the same expectations.

[movingon45]

I'm a woman in a FWB relationship. We are both married and it works for us.

 

I think it's true what you say about compartmentalisation being the key. My AP says I have a box that he is in which I open when we are together and close when we are not. We both stick to a fairly strict set of contact rules, regarding timings, 'safe' single purpose email addresses and mobile phones etc which makes it all seem very calculated and maybe it is but that is the only way it works.

 

He is my sounding board, someone I can always turn to for an honest and unbiased opinion and I do the same for him. Neither of us criticise our BS's although we have both on occasion vented frustration as one would with any friend. Many will call it justification (and they may be right) but for me he fills a void which reduces my stress levels and makes me easier to live with.

 

I do have strong feelings for my AP and I know he loves me and that in fact he struggles with his feelings more than I do. He stays with his BS because he has children and a full time relationship with me is not an option. I stay because I love my BH but cannot and will not live without the intimacy which he is unwilling to offer.

 

Many will say that I should divorce my BH and I would say that everyone is entitled to their opinion. I personally choose not to judge nor to offer advice. I am simply posting to answer OP's original question.

 

Thanks. Yes, same with sounding board and filling the void. We have never exchanged ILY's and neither have expressed desires to leave BS. He has never criticised his wife. He'd always ask me about my sexual life and I'd always refuse to say anything bad about my H. I tell him that I want to leave our BS's out of it. He doesn't know that my H is impotent, but he does know that I don't always come. Actually I never came!

 

My H does not want to do anything about his condition and I've been suffering in silence. Divorce is not an option and I can't give more info for fear of being found out because what I write here or anything on internet can be searched.

[latergater]

I'm a woman in a FWB relationship. We are both married and it works for us.

 

I think it's true what you say about compartmentalisation being the key. My AP says I have a box that he is in which I open when we are together and close when we are not. We both stick to a fairly strict set of contact rules, regarding timings, 'safe' single purpose email addresses and mobile phones etc which makes it all seem very calculated and maybe it is but that is the only way it works.

 

He is my sounding board, someone I can always turn to for an honest and unbiased opinion and I do the same for him. Neither of us criticise our BS's although we have both on occasion vented frustration as one would with any friend. Many will call it justification (and they may be right) but for me he fills a void which reduces my stress levels and makes me easier to live with.

 

I do have strong feelings for my AP and I know he loves me and that in fact he struggles with his feelings more than I do. He stays with his BS because he has children and a full time relationship with me is not an option. I stay because I love my BH but cannot and will not live without the intimacy which he is unwilling to offer.

 

Many will say that I should divorce my BH and I would say that everyone is entitled to their opinion. I personally choose not to judge nor to offer advice. I am simply posting to answer OP's original question.

 

Sorry. What's FWB?

[Praying4Peace]

Sorry. What's FWB?

 

Friends with Benefits

[Sarabi]

Sorry. What's FWB?

 

Friends with benefits

 

The benefit being that you copulate...to populate (or not)

[movingon45]

 

It doesn't sound like your relationship has ever been balanced and it seems like there have been some lapses in respectful behavior.

 

If you truly want to pursue just a sexual partner, this is not the guy to do it with.

 

Thanks. English is not my first language, so forgive me if I clarify first. What do you mean by lapses in respectful behavior? That his texts became sexual? At first, I was totally repulsed and I didn't respond for days. I even googled what he's doing and the term was "sexting"! And then I was attracted and it became fun. He'd ask me if I felt sexy about it and yes, it's true.

 

Why do you think that he's not the guy to pursue as a sexual partner? I thought he is because I know him and he's very honest about what he wants. This is the first A that I've had and I'm not really attracted to others and I don't put myself out there. In fact I was contented being in a sexless marriage until I had this A.

[movingon45]

I'd rather not be flayed too! But what will be will be, I suppose!

 

I accept what you say and do agree to a certain extent. The point I was making (or trying to!) was that for me, as the OP asked, compartmentalisation is key. We are like imaginary friends.....he is there when I need/want him although not at my beck and call but is not part of my daily life or my social circle.

 

Oh so true about "imaginary friend" and all that you wrote there. That's why he said "on call".

[movingon45]

 

For the most part - men define themselves by their work, women by their relationships. Me? I felt worse when I got laid off than I did when any dude ever broke up with me.

 

All that to say that yes, I think it can work, but both of you need to have the same expectations.

 

Why did you feel worse when you got laid off? Sorry, my English is not that good. Thanks.