Strip Clubs

[laya234]

I will probably get slammed for being a major prude for this. But here goes my story. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 4 great kids. About 3 years ago he began heavily drinking b/c he went back to a job where most of the guys drink - ironworkers. Last spring, he began drinking even more to the point that he jumped off a hotel balcony from two floors up, I believe and did enough damage to his foot that he ended up off work from April until August. He continued to drink during this time. One evening he was drinking unusually heavy. Then, he just snapped. My friend was right there and saw it. I swear I think he was possessed by the devil himself. I had a sense that things might not be good if the kids and I stayed so I packed them up and we left and stayed at my friend's house that night. I came home to find that he had trashed the living room. Ripped my favorite pictures off the wall that I had bought with my hard earned money. He only tore up stuff that was important to me. I still have issues when I think back to this. So, upon seeing this, I immediately got a protective order. He was forced to move to his mom's for two weeks until our court date. Meanwhile, he went back to work and seemed to straighten up. How stupid was my thinking....so, after the court date, he was allowed to come back home. He has held the whole being forced to leave over my head to this day as if he did nothing wrong. Then he became jealous and critical that I was on Facebook. I don't need FB so after he searched every inch of my profile page and messages, I deleted it. He says he believes I was flirting with ex's on fb which was totally not the case. I always left my profile page open - never logged out so anyone using the comp. could get on my profile. But anyway, so a couple months ago, I thought back to last Nov - Dec when he was working away in Columbia, SC. For some strange reason, and I say its women's intuition, I thought of doing a search for strip clubs around the hotel he stayed at. Sure enough, there was one right up the road. So, I called him up and asked him if he had been to any strip clubs while we've been together. At first, he said I don't know. It's been a long time since I was at one. I said, so you were at one while we were together. He ended up admitting that he went to Heartbreakers in Columbia, SC just a few months prior to my asking. He said he went in about 10pm b/c he noticed it on the way home from work. Said he went twice. Said both times he went about 10pm and only stayed for 20 min or so and that he went alone. He said that strippers were trying to get him to buy lapdances but that he didn't get one. He said a stripper did sit at the table for about 5 min of conversation and he gave her $20 and she moved on - he said this was the same scenario both times. I know most people would say I'm totally overreacting to this, but I just keep imagining all the things a stripper might have been doing to him. And he's a good looking guy that most uninhibited females would probably come onto, married or not. Now, he's never been one to flirt or mess around. I've done plenty of digging in my time and have never found him to be anything but faithful. So, either he's really good at hiding it and I'm that dumb, or he's never done anything. I just want to know how to get over the images I've created in my mind. I did start counseling and will have my second appt in a few days. What really goes on in strip clubs? Do you think it's possible he paid for a few minutes of conversation? Oh, and he says he went to get back at me for being on FB. Please don't be too mean - I've suffered enough. Thanks.

[Phoebe]

I'm glad that you're in therapy because I think that there are bigger problems in your relationship then whether or not your husband paid $20 for a 5 minute chat in a strip club.

 

For starters your husband sounds like he has a problem with alcohol, he's jealous, critical, vindictive, lies and can't take responsibility for his actions. When you've dealt with those issues and decided if that's the kind of man that you want to be with then you can worry about the strip club.

[KathyM]

As the poster above me said, your husband has multiple problems and there are multiple issues in your marriage. While you are focusing on the strip club, the ship is sinking. Your husband needs major help to recover from his alcohol addiction and you both need marital therapy. I would suggest you tackle these bigger issues, rather than letting things go and just waiting for "evidence" to come forward. Your husband needs help right now, and your marriage is something that you both need to work on. He should be enrolled as an out patient at an alcohol treatment center, and you should both be in marriage counseling.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, I think you have bigger problems to worry about other than him going to a strip club.

 

The girls are usually only interested in one thing in those clubs and that's his money; not him. At strip clubs, you are not allowed to touch the girls AT ALL! Or else you get tossed out head first by a bunch of bouncers.

[crederer]

His telling of what went on at the strip club sounds about right. The strippers do always try to give you a lap dance, and some will always sit down and talk with you (in order to try to get you to buy a lap dance). Guys cant touch the girls, though some places will do prostitution in the back illegally but most places are too scared of getting shut down over that.

 

 

So the strip club thing is definately not a big deal. Some of the other stuff you spoke about sounds wicked shady.

[BetrayedH]

I've been to strip clubs (I might go once a year) and I agree with the others that his description has plenty of likelihood of being accurate. While some seedy clubs may have private rooms where some extra stuff can happen, it's extraordinarily rare and takes a huge set of cajones to initiate anything beyond a lap dance. The odds that he found a place like this while out of town and got extra services is pretty darn low.

 

As a guy in my early 40's, I can say that strip clubs aren't the big deal that they were when I was younger. The description your H gave is pretty typical for me. My preference is to go in, have a drink and a smoke, and to tip the ladies that dance on-stage. But more often than not, I'll be accosted by one annoying stripper after another to purchase a lap-dance and yes, some of them will just plop down at your table and talk until they guilt you into a lap dance. Frankly, it's irritating and it's not uncommon for me to leave after a short while. Of course, your H could have easily had a few lap dances but as others have mentioned, odds are that he couldn't touch her.

 

Where I really agree with the others is that this is a pretty minor issue compared with the rest of your story. It's time for real ultimatums about divorce if serious changes aren't made.

[laya234]

thanks for those who responded about a typical evening at a sc. i have never been and my mind runs wild. i know we have issues to work on and he has mentioned that he would be willing to go to mc. we have always managed to weather the storm. maybe i should visit a sc just to observe what goes on although i think i'd be terribly uncomfortable lol!

[Chi townD]

thanks for those who responded about a typical evening at a sc. i have never been and my mind runs wild. i know we have issues to work on and he has mentioned that he would be willing to go to mc. we have always managed to weather the storm. maybe i should visit a sc just to observe what goes on although i think i'd be terribly uncomfortable lol!

 

LOL!!! Well....a woman going to a strip club isn't too uncommon. I've heard of girls going with their guys out of curiosity. Actually, from what I understand, a lot of women find it funny and somewhat entertaining.

 

A friend of mine in college took his girlfriend to one because she was curious and he had a terrible time of it. He said that he was afraid to look at the girls because she was there. But, she was having fun with it and having a BLAST making him uncomfortable. " OH MY GOD! Those are soooo fake. Look honey, tell me those are fake. I wonder how much those cost?" "Oh honey, I LOVE that outfit she's wearing. That's hot! Do you think I'd look good in that? Do you think she'd tell me where she bought it from?" or " Oh my God, I LOVE her nails! Give her a couple of bucks so I have have a better look at them! I HAVE to find out where she had them done at!"

 

He was like, "Just shoot me now."

Edited May 28, 2013 by Chi townD

[crederer]

Strip clubs are gross. I only go when all the boys want to and it's been a long time.

 

So grimey and I feel bad for the girls who are obviously desperate.

[laya234]

Strip clubs are gross. I only go when all the boys want to and it's been a long time.

 

So grimey and I feel bad for the girls who are obviously desperate.

 

this is what i imagine them to be. my friends who've been say it is a germ infested place that just seems dirty. i just cannot imagine what a man gets out of a woman rubbing up on him who has rubbed up on every other man in the room. where's the special ego boosting feeling in that? if i were a guy, i would not want to smash my face into boobs that have been in the face of every other man in the room. but that's just me, thinking like a woman and not a man lol! pathetic comes to my mind when i think of these joints. pathetic are the dancers and most of the men.

[laya234]

i guess i freaked out about the sc b/c of all the other things i've had to put up with concerning the alcohol and his shenanigans. as far as being faithful, though, i have to say, other than visiting the sc twice, he seems to be on the up and up in that respect.

 

i do appreciate receiving a man's point of view about the clubs. i couldn't get past the fact that those places are all about sex, but it seems, from these responses, that is not the case which makes me feel better. i do take care of myself so it is not that i'm jealous of strippers, i guess it is just the idea of him seeing a real live half naked woman that was bothersome. but i guess i just need to get over it and worry about the bigger issues.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I will probably get slammed for being a major prude for this. But here goes my story. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 4 great kids. About 3 years ago he began heavily drinking b/c he went back to a job where most of the guys drink - ironworkers. Last spring, he began drinking even more to the point that he jumped off a hotel balcony from two floors up, I believe and did enough damage to his foot that he ended up off work from April until August. He continued to drink during this time. One evening he was drinking unusually heavy. Then, he just snapped. My friend was right there and saw it. I swear I think he was possessed by the devil himself. I had a sense that things might not be good if the kids and I stayed so I packed them up and we left and stayed at my friend's house that night. I came home to find that he had trashed the living room. Ripped my favorite pictures off the wall that I had bought with my hard earned money. He only tore up stuff that was important to me. I still have issues when I think back to this. So, upon seeing this, I immediately got a protective order. He was forced to move to his mom's for two weeks until our court date. Meanwhile, he went back to work and seemed to straighten up. How stupid was my thinking....so, after the court date, he was allowed to come back home. He has held the whole being forced to leave over my head to this day as if he did nothing wrong. Then he became jealous and critical that I was on Facebook. I don't need FB so after he searched every inch of my profile page and messages, I deleted it. He says he believes I was flirting with ex's on fb which was totally not the case. I always left my profile page open - never logged out so anyone using the comp. could get on my profile. But anyway, so a couple months ago, I thought back to last Nov - Dec when he was working away in Columbia, SC.

 

 

Here is how much of the O.P. went on before even the first hint of strip clubs.

 

How can anybody see strip clubs as anything near to the actual problem which needs urgent attention???

[crederer]

I think pretty much everyone stated the strip clubs are NOT the problem. But all the other stuff is...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think pretty much everyone stated the strip clubs are NOT the problem. But all the other stuff is...

 

Guess you should probably read the O.P., for what would likely be the first time.

[Chi townD]

Really dude? Read ALL the posts and every one of them states to her that she has a bigger problem than the strip clubs.

 

My original post, BetrayedH, crederer, Phoebe AND KathyM.

[jolie_baby]

I wouldn't consider going to strip clubs a big deal... My ex always asked me before he did - it was him with guy friends- and am always OK with that, because I know he wont have sex or anything of the sort..

 

I also went to one myself, with a close guy friend, just to check out what goes on in these places... the club was neat and clean, no touching allowed, no alcohol, so I didn't really mind it...

[laya234]

holyFS, thank you for your input. this is exactly how i feel. I guess that's why i was so hurt by the sc more so than the alcoholism and other stuff. i know that he has never been one to frequent these places, even in his single life. and maybe this is only because the nearest sc is about 2 hours away. but he says he did it to get back at me for having an ex on fb. i never communicated with anyone on fb but my closest friends and just liked seeing how the lives of past friends have turned out. but, i got off fb b/c i didn't want it to be a problem or more fuel for his flame. and as far as sc go, i never saw the point either. i certainly don't have any desire to see male strippers, but that's just me. and i try to be a good wife but my emotions sometimes gets the better of me. i'm working on this but it is hard work. it's nice to know that not every man enjoys these establishments.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Really dude? Read ALL the posts and every one of them states to her that she has a bigger problem than the strip clubs.

 

My original post, BetrayedH, crederer, Phoebe AND KathyM.

 

 

OK,

 

Here's a post for you below:

 

Are you in fact the original poster signing in with a secondary ID? Just to offer your inaccurate commentary while simultaneously claiming the "original post".

 

Or is the problem that you don't understand what "original post" references?

 

Perhaps the word "all" is too challenging for you as well?? ("ALL", no less )

 

 

Another possibility is that you don't understand the definition of "everyone".

 

 

I will probably get slammed for being a major prude for this. But here goes my story. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have 4 great kids. About 3 years ago he began heavily drinking b/c he went back to a job where most of the guys drink - ironworkers. Last spring, he began drinking even more to the point that he jumped off a hotel balcony from two floors up, I believe and did enough damage to his foot that he ended up off work from April until August. He continued to drink during this time. One evening he was drinking unusually heavy. Then, he just snapped. My friend was right there and saw it. I swear I think he was possessed by the devil himself. I had a sense that things might not be good if the kids and I stayed so I packed them up and we left and stayed at my friend's house that night. I came home to find that he had trashed the living room. Ripped my favorite pictures off the wall that I had bought with my hard earned money. He only tore up stuff that was important to me. I still have issues when I think back to this. So, upon seeing this, I immediately got a protective order. He was forced to move to his mom's for two weeks until our court date. Meanwhile, he went back to work and seemed to straighten up. How stupid was my thinking....so, after the court date, he was allowed to come back home. He has held the whole being forced to leave over my head to this day as if he did nothing wrong. Then he became jealous and critical that I was on Facebook. I don't need FB so after he searched every inch of my profile page and messages, I deleted it. He says he believes I was flirting with ex's on fb which was totally not the case. I always left my profile page open - never logged out so anyone using the comp. could get on my profile. But anyway, so a couple months ago, I thought back to last Nov - Dec when he was working away in Columbia, SC. For some strange reason, and I say its women's intuition, I thought of doing a search for strip clubs around the hotel he stayed at. Sure enough, there was one right up the road. So, I called him up and asked him if he had been to any strip clubs while we've been together. At first, he said I don't know. It's been a long time since I was at one. I said, so you were at one while we were together. He ended up admitting that he went to Heartbreakers in Columbia, SC just a few months prior to my asking. He said he went in about 10pm b/c he noticed it on the way home from work. Said he went twice. Said both times he went about 10pm and only stayed for 20 min or so and that he went alone. He said that strippers were trying to get him to buy lapdances but that he didn't get one. He said a stripper did sit at the table for about 5 min of conversation and he gave her $20 and she moved on - he said this was the same scenario both times. I know most people would say I'm totally overreacting to this, but I just keep imagining all the things a stripper might have been doing to him. And he's a good looking guy that most uninhibited females would probably come onto, married or not. Now, he's never been one to flirt or mess around. I've done plenty of digging in my time and have never found him to be anything but faithful. So, either he's really good at hiding it and I'm that dumb, or he's never done anything. I just want to know how to get over the images I've created in my mind. I did start counseling and will have my second appt in a few days. What really goes on in strip clubs? Do you think it's possible he paid for a few minutes of conversation? Oh, and he says he went to get back at me for being on FB. Please don't be too mean - I've suffered enough. Thanks.

Edited May 31, 2013 by SincereOnlineGuy

[laya234]

i can assure you that i am not chi town. besides, i wouldn't be telling myself that i have a bigger problem than what my original question was about. i know what my other problems are, but my question was about the clubs, not my other problems. perhaps i shouldn't have given a background and just asked about the clubs only and then we wouldn't be here at this point, i guess. so, everyone, from now on, just ignore the first part of my post and only answer the last questions that i asked. thanks. i wanted to know what a typical visit for a guy is to a club and is the scenario i was told seem accurate. that's really all i wanted to know.

[crederer]

Sincere, you uh...you a little unstable, bro?

[Woohoo]

Strip club means nothing here. Unless he is doing/selling cocaine.

 

I only go to strip clubs WITH women, they really aren't that bad. Just ladies dancing around poles and a little bit of grind with the lap dances.

 

The destroying just your stuff. Yeah, deeper issues. He is bitter.

 

He may not be attracted to you anymore. He may be disappointed. He may think he could have done better. He may feel trapped by you.

 

He DOES NEED a therapist.

 

You too. Your doing the right thing and get it all out!

[pteromom]

The issue I see is that he is a controlling and manipulative jerk.

 

He makes you shut down FB (after going through it and making sure there is nothing he can hold against you in there.) Please! Are you a child????

 

He blames YOU for his decision to go to a strip club. As if the pain you cause him just picked up his feet and marched him in there.

 

He destroys all the things that are important to you. Then downplays his actions.

 

This is much much bigger than a strip club. Honestly, all you are doing by being upset by it is giving him more ammo. Next time you are out of line, he can just threaten to go to a strip club again, or just go to one if you do something he disagrees with.

 

COUNSELING. Please. Individual and marital.

[strongnrelaxed]

All my life I have heard about and seen men act like this. It is not until the past few years that I have come to find what drives men to act in these ways. There could be many reasons, but if he is suspicious there is a reason for it. Men have intuition too.

 

When women read these sorts of posts, I am sure at least a few think "uh oh honey, he is on to you"

 

Look in the mirror and make sure you are not digging yourself and your family into a hole from which you cannot get out. If your conscience is clear then good for you. If not, you might want to look at that and accept your part of the blame.

[BeholdtheMan]

I guarantee you that 99% of husbands would flip out if they knew their wives went to male strip clubs to get lap dances from well-muscled naked dudes. Your outrage is perfectly natural.

 

Don't let other people convince you that double standards are OK. If a husband can be outraged at certain behaviour, a wife has the same right.

 

Ask him how he'd feel if the tables were turned, ask him to imagine how he'd feel. Let him know that's what you're feeling right now.