Preparing for Marriage

[rg009]

Sorry I didn't know which thread to post in. This is kind of breakup as well as cheating. Anyways, I hope you're ready for story time. Let's start at the beginning. My GF and I have been together for almost 2 years. We both have had serious relationships in the past (longer than 2 years) and considered marriage in the past. She is turning 22 this year and I'll be turning 27.

 

Our relationship has been amazing during the first year despite certain obstacles (work, schedules), but we've worked really hard and invested in each other and are committed. We rarely fight and everyone who knows us is envious of our chemistry. Both our families think we are matched and we fit each other very well. My family likes her, her family likes me and we each love them. We have been around each other so much (practically living together) and the longest we've been apart physically has been 4 days. Sex is great, although sometimes I want it when she doesn't. However to be fair there are periods where she is wildly horny for me and she can't keep off me. We see each other as each other's "the one". We share the same humour, same interests, same goals. We fit. We meet each other's checklist of needs really well.

 

In the beginning we both looked for flaws in each other because we have been hurt in the past and didn't want to fall in love blindly. So far there isn't much we dislike about each other. There are a few little things, but they aren't deal breakers. We know the good outweighs the bad (little as there is). We have passed the honeymoon phase and aren't skeptical anymore. We know each other really well and know what each can offer and where we need improvement. We practice honesty and good communication even to the point where we know the truth will hurt the other person. We can't lie to each other. We agree to always compromise if we find a challenge and work on making the other person happy and we've been successful at that. We enjoy that we can work through challenges together and we get extreme satisfaction working towards our shared goals.

 

I guess the story gets interesting starting from January with school. She enrolled in the college program I graduated from (after being inspired and motivated by my success in it). She had a year left in university, but it was never what she wanted to do. Being with me gave her the push to pursue what she really wanted to do. We both want to pursue careers in acting. I left my full-time job (that I took on to pay off my school debt) to be a TA at this college so we would be together more. It all worked out and we timed it perfectly. I quit after making enough to pay off my debt and she finished up a semester at her University as to not waste the money and maximize her credits. So I am now debt free, and have some savings towards a place of my own. She is on her way to doing what she really wants. I started working at the college part time and she started attending as a student. The program is 4 semesters so she will graduate next May. After leaving my full-time job I have been actively pursuing my own goals. Seemingly we were both very successful and happy following our shared dream.

 

Now of course with these big life changes came new challenges. She met new friends in her classes and I met new friends in mine. Since it's a community college the classes are small and so everyone is really close and intimate. I understand this and we are ok with it. Since my GF is so attractive it's a given that other guys will go after her. We've dealt with this in the past. Everyone knows she has a BF and when they meet me (as we are always together and make friends together) Usually the guys who are interested in her back off because they see how awesome we are and respect me and respect our relationship.

 

Unfortunately one of her classmates did not back off. He kept trying to make moves on her. I discussed the situation with my GF as it was really irritating me that he didn't respect me or the idea of me. So she agreed to give him "the talk" she usually gives when things like this happen. She took him aside and said she doesn't see him as anything more than a friend. He is like a brother to her, and she loves me. The difference with this talk however, is she added that she doesn't want to lose his friendship, because usually when she gives this talk to guys they go NC and she loses their friendship. So he responds to her by saying he likes her and won't back away.

 

She is obviously one of the more popular ones in the class so she wants to avoid awkwardness with the group by staying friends with everybody. Anyways, she tells me how the talk went and I was relieved at her attempt to fix it, but still annoyed that he didn't back away. So whenever we all hang out I feel like I have to do extra work to make him back off while she just takes a passive attitude. She doesn't reciprocate what he does, but she doesn't stop him from doing things either.

 

Anyways this went on for awhile and it kept bugging me because the friend side of me wants her to be happy that she has new friends, but the BF side of me is so pissed off at the dude that keeps going hard at her. As expected, they have class everyday and so he usually becomes the topic of our arguments. Since I am a teacher at the same school I let my insecurity get the best of me and I started to check up on her a lot to see how she handles things. I discovered I was just really paranoid. She is always faithful to me not flirting physically in any way despite the guy always trying to be touchy with her. We are both open and trusting with each other so she tells me everything that happens when I ask. Sometimes she will show me their texts to give me peace of mind and she really makes an effort to make me see that nothing is going on. Sometimes she will explain what she doesn't like about him, but she hasn't really made fun of his attempts at hitting on her. The gut feeling I get is that she thinks he's alright, not amazing but not disgusted by him, and I'm the one she wants bc I'm so much better.

 

Anyways, I guess my big mistake was not letting it go and my insecurity got the best of me. During one of my breaks on location a student performed a card trick and I was her first victim. The trick was a signed card swap by touching lips (google the trick for how it works). I went along with the trick and afterwards everyone watching said playfully "whoa what is your GF gonna say?!" so I immediately felt guilty, walked out and told my GF what happened. Surprisingly she wasn't upset by the kiss itself, but at the fact that I didn't say anything to the girl that did it. She said I wasn't sticking up for our relationship. Truthfully I was shocked by it all and my first instinct was to tell my GF which I did. So she told me to take the girl aside and give her "the talk". I did that, told her it wasn't cool especially since I have a GF and it can't happen again. My mistake was letting it happen in the first place and I hurt my GF by allowing it. So the girl apologized and asked me to apologize to my GF for her.

 

After this incident our relationship went downwards pretty fast. The guy that keeps hitting on her who I don't like was the first to find out about my mistake with the card trick and he obviously saw it as an opportunity to swoop in. I still felt really bad about it and my GF started to trust me less and began talking to the other guy more. So my actions that week were to win her over again and fight for her. I guess she felt I hadn't been doing that lately and from her perspective other guys were fighting for her. So I started following through on surprises and dates I've been planning before. I would spend my free time designing our engagement ring, searching for wedding venues, anything to make her happy. I really wanted to reinvigorate the relationship and get it back to the way it was in its early stages. So I'm doing all this behind the scenes work while the other dude is getting in her head about how I'm not good for her because I let someone kiss me.

 

This culminated at the end of the semester at a party we hosted at her apartment. I wanted to show her that she can have new friends and be happy. That I wouldn't be a jealous BF like her exes who suffocated her and didn't allow her to have any friends. So we had fun and played amazing hosts, but I made my second mistake in all this by getting really drunk.

 

By the end of the night I was acting foolish stumbling all over the place trying to get her attention (I guess I was still feeling insecure about that other guy). But she seemed occupied with entertaining the remaining guests (which included that other guy). I was taking care of one of her drunk classmates who was vomitting over the trashcan and--I kissed her shoulders. I understand that it looked like I was trying to make sexual advances, but I honestly felt it was more paternal and me trying to comfort her. This was just the beginning. After this happened I told my GF I wanted to sleep and suggested we go to bed together because we both had an early morning the next day (we were gonna shoot a short film together). She said she wasn't sleepy and told me she would come to bed when more people left. So I went to our room and there were 3 people on our bed! One was the girl whose shoulders I kissed, second was her girlfriend she brought to the party, and third was another classmate (a guy). So I pushed them all to the side and collapsed on the bed beside the 2 girls. In my sleepy drunken state you can imagine how close we were (4 people squished on a double bed). Big mistake--I put my hands in inappropriate places on the girl beside me. So what happened next? My GF walked in seconds later and saw this and all hell broke loose. The girl whose shoulder I kissed just fed the flames telling my GF I kissed her and tried to do things to her. Her friend told my GF I was trying to sleep with her. I admitted to everything and didn't put up much of a defence since I was drunk and slurring my speech. I tried to apologize but she wouldn't hear it. I almost fought with the guy that likes her, but he seemed happy that I screwed up and everything was going in his favour. By the end of it my GF slapped me in the face and left with the guy that likes her while the remaining guests held me back from fighting and chasing after them.

 

I didn't get any sleep that night trying to sober myself up for the shoot the next day (this all happened around 6am, and the shoot was at 10am) So instead of sleeping I kept drinking water to get the alcohol out of my system and then I showered and kicked the rest of the people out of the apartment. I did my best and showed up first to the shoot at 10am. My GF actually showed up too, but when she arrived on set she gave me the most painful glare of disappointment. We worked on the film all day and went back to her apartment that night to talk about what happened since I needed to be sober to make any sense. I basically screwed up and she couldn't trust me anymore. So she broke up with me.

 

We spent a few days apart which was really difficult. It was the longest NC in our relationship. Afterwards I went to her place since most of my things are there and found that she had let the guy sleep there during this period. She told me she let him have sex with her. I was devastated and heartbroken, because I thought she was the type that would feel worse if she did that. But I have no one to blame but myself. I pushed her in that direction and wanted us to get back together so desperately, I suggested she do something, anything to try to get over my drunk incident.

 

So I looked passed it and we agreed that we want to work on our relationship and we have been since then. We got back together, as difficult as it was, and we tried to get to the bottom of how we got into the downward spiral. We both admitted to hurting each other and apologized and realized the time we've been spending together made us feel complacent, routine-ish and comfortable. So we decided to rebuild our relationship and work on trusting each other all over again. Things looked really hopeful.

 

After about two weeks of trying this out, committing to each other and working at it, she realized something important. She told me she really does love me and wants to be 100% committed, but because she has always had BFs and never had her single life, the last few weeks opened her eyes. She needs to find herself, what she likes, experience things on her own and feel independent. She felt who she was as a person was inherited from all her previous boyfriends including me, even her decision to pursue acting was from me. She said she doesn't know herself or what she has to give. So she wants to get everything out of her system so she can settle down with me for good without regret or doubt. I agreed since I feel I've had my time to find myself and I know I want to settle down with her. Especially after that drunk night I know I never want to hurt her again. I know she needs to discover what she loves and not just depend on what her BF loves. So she broke up with me again, sat her parents down and told them she needs time alone because she is really serious about me. So she is going to focus on herself before she commits to me completely. She told me to do the same and get whatever doubts or sex or things I need to do out of my system so that when we get back together we won't regret it and we won't be tempted by what-ifs.

 

So here I am a week later since we've been broken up. I realized I don't want to have sex with anyone else but her. I have been keeping myself busy with my own projects and other films. But inevitably my BF side feels crushed and misses her. We hang out and talk and do things friends would do. I've been in friendmode towards her as opposed to being a clingy BF ball of mush. From what I've read from other stories here on LS I should be doing NC, but I'm really confused about it. I told a friend of mine and he said to think hard on what's important to me.

 

Anyways, since my GF and I still talk as friends (with benefits) she told me she let the other guy have sex with her again after she broke up with me the second time, but has been saying no to him since then. She wants to practice saying no because she believes if she can say no to him, then she can say no to anyone and any temptation in the future when she's with me. She's trying to make herself stronger. She knows she doesn't love that guy, and doesn't want to have a future with him. I know she means that and I can see how in love she is when she's with me. I know she wants to be with me.

 

I guess what bothers me is with this new guy she's now had more sexual partners than I have. She knows it could be an issue for us in the future which is why she told me to do it with someone else if I want to. The thing is I don't know if I want to. It just seems like I'm ready to settle down for marriage and she isn't. She apologized to me because she thought she was ready when we first got together, but now it's different. She knows I am the one she wants to marry, but if I asked her right now, she'd say no because she's not ready for marriage.

 

I'm trying to prepare for marriage too, but as you can see I keep lurking around these forums. I've asked friends and family and it's the same thing, everyone sees us as an awesome couple and wants us to be together. I guess I need more insight from other people.

Edited May 24, 2013 by rg009

[rg009]

I guess it's still too early so this shouldn't be a surprise to me, but she spends time with him one on one after class, essentially treating him like a boyfriend minus the sex. She hides it from her other classmates because she told everyone she needs to be single so she is trying to avoid people asking her questions. She tends to hide me now too, but is still open to everyone else about how much she loves me. What is really going on here?

[veggirl]

That was tooooo long.

You cheated on her and she had revenge sex?

 

Regardless she is 21 yrs old...look up GIGS on this website, she is sooo far from ready to settle down and you'd be CRAZY to marry a girl that young.

 

The issue she has now had sex with one more person than you have?

Who cares? If drunk girl at the party in the bed had rolled over to fk you and your girl hadn't walked in, you'd likely have fked her.

 

Regardless you guys have too many issues now to even THINK of marriage. That needs to be backburnered for at least a few years.

[TaraMaiden]

way, way too long.

Your ex- is much younger than you.

She is essentially a FWB.

 

She has sex with others, but you are intent on marrying her.

 

That basically sums it up.

 

What I would reply with is:

You're insane.

 

Leave her be.

She has a lot of growing up to do.

She's not fully mature yet (and I hate to be blunt, but it's rubbing off on you!)

 

Quit this for good.

 

There is no future in this, right now.

 

Revisit the issue in 4 years.

See how you feel then....

[therhythm]

Ok, so to understand you well, your ex girlfriend is having sex with other guy while you are preparing for marriage? You need to be kidding me man!

She was already craving sex with this other guy and she took the first chance she could to run and f.uck him!

 

She is stringing you along while she is living la vida loca!

If you have the minimum self respect just go No Contact with that woman, you can't be FWB with someone you love, it will destroy you...

[ExpatInItaly]

Neither of you is ready to be married. She is very young and she's told you she doesn't want to settle down. The fact that she's told you to go have sex with someone else is very, very telling...any girl who were truly into her (ex)boyfriend wouldn't be able to stomach that, let alone encourage it.

 

My thoughts are that the relationship was already faltering and her attention drifting elsewhere. When you kissed someone else and put your hands in "inappropriate places" (what exactly did your ex see?) she seized opportunity to take a break from the relationship. She's now plainly told you she wants to be single and is not ready to marry you. Listen to her, hard as that may be.

Edited May 25, 2013 by ExpatInItaly

[Tinie]

All I see from this is two very immature people who have a lot of growing up to do.

 

At 22 she's probably not mature enough for marriage. Her actions say that much. It's difficult at that age to decide who to be with for the rest of your life.

 

The minute she had her chance, she ran to that other guy. How do you know she is saying no to him when he offers sex to her? She could be lying because two guys tripping over themselves to make her happy is better than one.