I am an addict - to Love, relationship and sex amongst other things- me

[magneet]

good day all

 

I have posted on this site before when I went through the breakup with my longterm GF [3 years], I am 28 now. We have been broken up for 18 months and back in full blown contact since I came back from overseas.

 

After doing intensive research and reading [back then I figured out I have got co-dependancy issues], and now I assume I am a love addict.

 

Our relationship is very much a push-and-pull from her side.

 

I could go into detail, but I think everyone knows what this entails...

 

If she can't have me she does waht she can to get me back, once she has me in an emotional grip she pushes me away, I get "needy" according to her to keep her, and so its starts again.

 

I thought I wanted to marry this woman - yet when we are together I know things are lacking, like her sweet, warm and nurturing side which I have experienced with other women and immediately fall in love with them.

 

All the material I have read about this kind of stuff says that you should break it off, focus on youself and let the "parter" be.

 

 

[what makes it tough for me is that she is the most important person to me, I don't really have family and I have moved around a lot hence no best friends group anymore - I do have many friends but few on "that" level].

 

Anyway, question 1:

 

Is there a possibility to FIX this and still keep her, so that these horrible emotional cycles stop repeating themselves?

 

If so, I mean I can keep her, be with her, and get us fixed.

 

Question 2 - how do I learn to handle this?

[last year I fell apart, I lost my job, abused sex, porn and alcohol, went into debt to buy myself happy - I was a total wreck. hence I came back to my home country where I feel comfortable in order to deal with this, but now she is back in my life].

 

I am handling it much better - but she is still affecting my happiness.

 

I realised this 2 weeks ago when she was all lovy dovy for 3 weeks and then one week very off towards me.

 

Oh, the big problem we have had for a very long time [whilst dating as well] is the lack of intimacy. She does not enjoy it and is not attracted to me whatsoever - in the sexual way that is.

 

 

I mean, sometimes she starts crying or just lies there so that I can stop being unhappy for going months without it.

 

I always thought that if we can fix the intimacy problem - all will be fine.

 

 

PS, my therapist asked if I am willing to give up a lot of my personality or needs [like wanting someone sweet, and nurturing] in order to be with her.

 

 

PSS - she says she doesnt want to date me, yet is in constant contact with me - phoning, texting, and craving my emotional support... i dont want to be a surrogate BF, either or. [which makes it tough as she is staying 1500km away - hence we see each other 2x monthly when we fly to each other for the lat couple of months. 18 months ago we still lived in the same city].

 

Please help me - any and all advice will be appreciated.

 

But first and foremost - is there a chance of saving what we have got to make it work?

[magneet]

to put this in one paragrpah:

 

is it possible to be with the girl, to fix these constant bad cycles of push and pull, to get out of the love addiction and co-dependanccy whilst still staying with her?

 

All the material that I have read states that one should break it totally off... Is that the only way?

 

I am in therapy for the last 5 months.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm puzzled... you already have a post on this.

Why are you posting a new thread?

 

Just 'bump' your other one....

And I see, even with the input you received in the other thread, that -

 

but she is still affecting my happiness.

 

You are still putting your happiness and how it is being affected, onto her.

 

Your happiness is NOTHING to do with her.

Your Happiness is entirely self-affected.

 

You have to get through your head, several things:

 

One:

YOU CANNOT FIX HER.

 

Two:

It is not up to you to convince her she needs fixing.

And even if she feels she does, that's up to her to initiate.

not you.

 

Three:

You need to remain NO Contact and stick with your therapist.

 

Four:

You need to own your part in this - and fix yourself.

 

You are trying to exert control over a situation you want to be beneficial to you.

She doesn't want sex.

you do.

 

You cannot change this.

She has to, and has to want to.

 

I mean, sometimes she starts crying or just lies there so that I can stop being unhappy for going months without it.

 

How the hell could you put her in that position?

Effectively forcing herself to endure something she detests, simply to please you?!?

That's just atrocious....

 

Listen very carefully:

 

First of all, you have to find where the problem lies.

Secondly - finding the problem is not the same as finding the solution.

Finding the solution may take years - and may not even come to fruition.

 

You need to quit this obsession.

It's becoming sick, and you need to give both her, and yourself, complete space.

 

Do not Contact her again.

Do not respond to attempts on her part to contact you.

Eliminate, eradicate and block, delete and erase all and any means for either of you to be able to do this.

 

I know this will fall on deaf ears.

 

But then, you have proven your addiction is stronger than you are.

[magneet]

I think I posted something similar again as I had one question - and that was if it is possible to get it all right and still have the same person... [plus giving background]...

 

its 02h30am, might not be thinking straight. thanks for such a thorough answer - I really appreciate it.

[magneet]

im obsessed and addicted... putting it like that, or saying it out loud is kinda weird...

 

just to clarify it, i didnt force her into sex if it came across that way - she said she wished or hoped for it being different and because its not [plus the fact that she is not attracted to me] makes her cry...

 

i should stop writing now, i think im confusing myself.

 

and TM, its not falling on deaf ears... I am getting there - I really am... thanks again for a long message.

[TaraMaiden]

You cannot make anyone - even with intense therapy, over a long period of time -"attracted sexually " to you, if the initial sexual attraction is not there.

 

There is NO intimate relationship here.

There never will be.

 

She cannot develop and cultivate something for you, if there is no grain of temptation there.

 

This is not a 'therapy' issue.

 

This is a "Not into you" issue.

This is a "Love you but not IN love with you" issue.

 

She cannot nurture something that isn't there to be nurtured.

There will never be good, satisfactory, passable or enjoyable free, abandoned willing sex between you two.

 

You really, honestly have to get that notion, out of your head.

 

 

Once you manage to get that idea completely knocked off the "To do" list, and understand - but really understand - know, and accept that it's never going to happen in the way you idealise - then maybe the rest will follow.

[TaraMaiden]

And I've just realised.

 

You're not a surrogate BF.

 

You're a surrogate Brother.

 

That's what having sex with you feels like to her.

 

Just completely wrong.

 

No wonder she cries.

This is screwing her up.

And not in a good way.

 

She doesn't love you intimately.

She loves you like a kindred spirit.

A close relative.

Someone on whom she can rely for support, company and safety.

 

That's why she wants you around..... to be there FOR her.

But not necessarily "with" her.....

[magneet]

You are spot on - a she had said the exact same thing to me. A few times. "I love you more than anyone but like a brother, and want you in my life"

 

Yet we did try for a long time.

 

Your harsh words speak the truth.

 

I do have one question though - with regar to everything that you have said.

 

How does one work with this? What are the steps forward?

 

I mean, she wants me continuously in her life - for emotional suppor etc.

 

And it's fine as I regard her as my family - an also feel lost eithout her in my life. But I also have romantic emotions towards her. Which make it tough - for me at least.

 

Should one continue being "brother and sister"?

Should one continue with constant conversation and emotional support?

Or should one break it off.

 

Or is it just a realization I néed to make - come to terms with it and then everyrhing should go to a platonic level?

 

 

The problem is the more contact we have the more it becomes like this again where I become emotionally involved with her. Maybe a I crave her - possible.

 

 

It is etter now than what it was a year ago.

 

And TM - you really really speak the truth. I really appreciate that.

 

Bottom line - if I come to terms of being a family member only.

I assume romantic feelings wil need to go.

 

What are te steps ?

 

Cutting out of life or continuing as is - which needs a lot of time from me?

 

I am askin this again, a you have had different realizations about this "dilemma" that I am in.

 

Warm regards.

[TaraMaiden]

Well, it comes down to two basic stark choices:

Go complete No Contact and re-build your life, without her.

 

'Heal' yourself and address all your issues until you feel you have a fixed handle on how to process everything rationally and to a satisfactory conclusion. (Even acceptance of something being the way it is, is a conclusion in itself; I'm not suggesting a line has to be drawn under everything....)

 

Or maintain a reasonable amount of contact with her, accepting the fact - and telling her that you have accepted the fact - that you are like a brother to her. And nothing more.

 

But discuss with her that you will need to detach (exactly as was said to you in your other thread!) and be a little more emotionally distant for a while, until you succeed, within yourself, in coming to terms with your decision.

You will not cut her off completely, but you must distance yourself to a safe degree, because you need to heal from a particular mind-set which hitherto has merely worn the situation down.

 

And another thing: Regardless of which option you choose -

 

You also need to apologise if you ever unwittingly put her into a position of feeling compelled to do something to make you happy, even if it went completely against everything she wanted.

Apologise for the confusion it caused, and tell her you're sorry it happened and that you would never have willingly hurt her or made her do anything against her internal will.

 

I'm very sorry if it sounds as if I'm blaming you for her tears and distress during sex.

I'm absolutely certain you did nothing to force, coerce or oblige her to 'give of herself' but at the time, she may have, and probably did, feel it was the only way to please you or keep you....

 

This is important.

To her, it will mean the world.

 

You see, when a woman does something for a man, even if it appears that she is willing herself to do it, or she truly wants to try to do her best to give, - it feels, subconsciously, like a violation.

I know that's a strong word, but just lying there, or crying, demonstrates an inner-core resistance.

You do not want that resistance to build to a revulsion of sex with anyone.

 

If you apologise unreservedly for ever having unwittingly put her in that position, her respect for you will increase. She will appreciate you more for the man you are, than the BF you wanted to be.

And it will lay her mind at ease, because she will have no resentment to build on.

 

My suggestion would be to combine the two.

 

Talk to her, advise her you are going NC, and after a period of therapy, when you are more relaxed and detached, and you can think of her in neutral, "indifferent" terms, - then and only THEN - will you get in touch with her again.

Ask her to please respect your space.

 

you WILL be in touch again, but only when you feel, as the French say, "Comfortable in your own skin".

[jphcbpa]

I would suggest slaa. make slaa your "other woman", make the men in the program your "other woman". She sounds like the avoidant in this dance. this is not about her or what she does/does not do. this is about you and what you are missing, your emptiness, insecurities, your abadonment issues ect.

[TaraMaiden]

SLAA.

[youngnlove89]

Holy cow. You are the man version of me. Read my threads!

 

It's a never ending story.

 

 

good day all

 

I have posted on this site before when I went through the breakup with my longterm GF [3 years], I am 28 now. We have been broken up for 18 months and back in full blown contact since I came back from overseas.

 

After doing intensive research and reading [back then I figured out I have got co-dependancy issues], and now I assume I am a love addict.

 

Our relationship is very much a push-and-pull from her side.

 

I could go into detail, but I think everyone knows what this entails...

 

If she can't have me she does waht she can to get me back, once she has me in an emotional grip she pushes me away, I get "needy" according to her to keep her, and so its starts again.

 

I thought I wanted to marry this woman - yet when we are together I know things are lacking, like her sweet, warm and nurturing side which I have experienced with other women and immediately fall in love with them.

 

All the material I have read about this kind of stuff says that you should break it off, focus on youself and let the "parter" be.

 

 

[what makes it tough for me is that she is the most important person to me, I don't really have family and I have moved around a lot hence no best friends group anymore - I do have many friends but few on "that" level].

 

Anyway, question 1:

 

Is there a possibility to FIX this and still keep her, so that these horrible emotional cycles stop repeating themselves?

 

If so, I mean I can keep her, be with her, and get us fixed.

 

Question 2 - how do I learn to handle this?

[last year I fell apart, I lost my job, abused sex, porn and alcohol, went into debt to buy myself happy - I was a total wreck. hence I came back to my home country where I feel comfortable in order to deal with this, but now she is back in my life].

 

I am handling it much better - but she is still affecting my happiness.

 

I realised this 2 weeks ago when she was all lovy dovy for 3 weeks and then one week very off towards me.

 

Oh, the big problem we have had for a very long time [whilst dating as well] is the lack of intimacy. She does not enjoy it and is not attracted to me whatsoever - in the sexual way that is.

 

 

I mean, sometimes she starts crying or just lies there so that I can stop being unhappy for going months without it.

 

I always thought that if we can fix the intimacy problem - all will be fine.

 

 

PS, my therapist asked if I am willing to give up a lot of my personality or needs [like wanting someone sweet, and nurturing] in order to be with her.

 

 

PSS - she says she doesnt want to date me, yet is in constant contact with me - phoning, texting, and craving my emotional support... i dont want to be a surrogate BF, either or. [which makes it tough as she is staying 1500km away - hence we see each other 2x monthly when we fly to each other for the lat couple of months. 18 months ago we still lived in the same city].

 

Please help me - any and all advice will be appreciated.

 

But first and foremost - is there a chance of saving what we have got to make it work?

[TaraMaiden]

Holy cow. You are the man version of me. Read my threads!

 

It's a never ending story.

 

 

It's only 'never-ending' if you decide that's the way it's going to be.

[youngnlove89]

It's only 'never-ending' if you decide that's the way it's going to be.

 

I know, but I'm too emotionally weak to let go. I'm hurt while with him and without him.