MW feeling guilty for OM

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah I know, but ask me less than 48 hours ago and he probably would have got it if that was all he wanted. Smacking myself now! Don't flame me, I am walking away. Day 2 of NC.

 

Just as dichotomy said "I think you might have been in trouble if this guy was a cool cucumber and was just fine with some kind of pure sex FWB thing" (sorry don't know how to multi-quote from different posts).

 

My issue now isn't should I or shouldn't I - it's feeling so guilty for hurting him and wanting to make sure he is ok. I know though if I respond to him it will just spiral back out of control. I know I have to leave him alone to deal with the end of the A, but it hurts.

 

Go through the grief. By all accounts once you see him for the crutch he was during your marital strife, you'll lose the attraction pretty quickly.

[AussieLady]

Sorry my last post was typed before at least the previous four came through.

I will go back and answer some questions.

 

Please know you have all helped me to see that I have to end it with this OM.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think its important to see things as they are and then make a decision based on that. It seems strange to me to see posters calling OM

-angry

-controlling

-immature 16 year old

-manipulative

etc.

 

I do agree that he needs to not make you feel guilty. I would never want someone to be with me out of guilt. YUCK. But theres so much black and white thinking here- her H is 'perfect' because he didn't cheat and her OM is "trash' because he did cheat. Neither of them is perfect and that's why OP is having a hard time. She feels guilty all around because she's not listening to her inner voice...only she knows the truth about her marriage and her H and what her ultimate goal is.

 

If you get all riled up by some of the very specific posts (seriously people, some of you write like you've met and known the OM and his hateful tendencies in an up close and personal way) you'll realize later it didn't come from within. You were hanging on to someone elses depiction. If you go NC the truth will come to you....your M or him.

 

And for what its worth- seems like a no win situation for a man in love here. If its without sex- ewwww he's needy clingy and weird. Or, he's just trying to GET sex. If there's a PA- ewwww he just wants sex and is telling you what you want to hear.

 

Men have feelings too. But OP- your feelings are more important and don't feel guilty. You both have to do what's right for you.

 

I personally don't think the husband is anywhere near perfect.

 

Also: IMHO OM/OW tend to "prop up" the marriage for the MM/MW at first because they get their needs met enough to tolerate home. The complications (for MM/MW) happen when MW/MM gets attached to OW/OM or OW/OM get 'too' attached to MM/MW and/or when BS finds out and blows apart the dynamic.

 

I DO THINK that the OM is being very immature and needy and overattached. Not because "he has feelings and is in love." But because of the things he is saying to the OP and the way that he is dealing with those feelings. He also seems very out of touch with the situation given that this IS a married woman with 3 kids! That would be complicated in a regular divorce and co-parent situation. But to expect a "future" in a situation with this type of foundation......come on.....

 

And yes, he is needy and clingy to have these expectations and be guilting her over his own feelings when she is not going to change around her whole family dynamic, including disrupting her children, for him.

[aliveagain]

AussieLady,

 

Be careful, it is immature men like your OM that complicate things by calling husbands and exposing the extent of the affair. Your husband will be more prone to reconciliation if he hears the truth from you. As long as you keep secrets about you and OM from your husband your reconciliation will never be complete because OM will always take up some space in your head.

[AussieLady]

So to answer some questions. I did not expect to get so many replies.

 

Pierre - Yes, saying no is difficult for me if it hurts the other person. I am in a caring profession who gives to others and then gives to my kids when I get home, so when OM is giving me something which feels good, it is hard to say no. Many times my husband has told me to harden up and not to be so soft, and I guess it is comments like this which sent me into the arms of the sensitive OM.

 

I do have a daughter and at this stage of my thoughts (with the anger and hurt I have at the OM, maybe I am hardening up) I would recommend she look for someone like my husband.

 

Alive again - I am seeing it, in all its bluntness.

 

Dreaming - Yes I feel guilt over mixing up OM's emotional state. But whilst he comes across as manipulating and controlling, I can also understand why he feels broken given the emotional connection we have formed. It has been an intense few months of multiple texts and phone calls (thankfully we don't see each other in person regularly at work otherwise it would have gone further), and part of me feels broken too. We shared a lot of things with each other.

 

I had a similar conversation with my husband last night, but I know I haven't conveyed the seriousness of it all to him particularly when he says "is this about the guy who want to f**k you". He agreed we need to work on things!

 

P4P- Thank-you, I am working on NC, but that addiction is hard to break. Whilst I agree OM does come across as controlling, angry and manipulative, I think he is simply hurting. He has agreed to NC which is positive.

 

Thanks again everyone. Decision made to focus on my marriage, now to get through NC.

[Praying4Peace]

Aussie Lady,

I thought of another way to represent this situation. I was married with a married AP so this went through my head too.

 

Right now- consider yourself as having NOTHING. All you have is 2 fantasies that are not reality:

 

The first fantasy is of a marriage that works well, you don't pine away for anyone. You two are happy and are raising your children. You are content and there is no other man on your mind or in your heart. You can see yourself growing old with him, happy.

 

The second fantasy is of you and your OM. You two are together in real life as a couple and things are working out well. Your kids are adjusting and you aren't riddled with guilt about ending your marriage for him. You can see yourself growing old with him, happy.

 

Right now- none of these exist in reality. Your marriage is broken and your affair is broken (like all affairs are, by their very nature). In order for any of these happy scenarios to come true- you have to put time and effort and resolve into it. You have to feel crappy and have bad days before the good days. This is the price of having an affair, as I well know.

 

Make a chart! Put down all the obstacles/pros/cons and also take into consideration what you can handle knowing your nature and beliefs and what is important to you in life and a relationship. You might feel like you have no problem R with your H without him ever knowing about the Affair. Make sure you analyze that as well as what would happen if you told him and had to stick through the bad times that follow a Dday. Think about how your H would feel all alone and betrayed. None of these is easy.

 

But right now, its all about the potential. You aren't going to feel happy right away no matter what you do. That's the only sure thing right now. Withdrawal really, really sucks. My therapist says with strong emotional bonds (which are cemented by physical...don't go there!) it can be up to 2 years to get over it- depending on how sentimental you are, etc.

 

Take care

[AussieLady]

She did just say that she would have had sex with him in the last 48 hours if he asked. From what I understand, this is after talking to her husband about the OM. She's not fully committed to letting him go.

 

Typo error, that's what happens when typing under the influence of tears.

48 hours ago, if he had promised no strings attached, I probably would have fallen straight into his arms. But I know this is wrong and you have all helped reinforce it. I know what I will lose if I go to him.

 

Completely forget him - yeah if it was only that easy. I am trying to focus on my husband and family, but if you have the magic potion to help me forget OM after the emotional attachment we have had please share. I come back here to read the support every time I feel like contacting him, and being told I am not committed to ending it when I am trying (it has been two days) is a kick in the guts.

[AussieLady]

Thank you P4P. When you are faced with the same time and place you would normally be talking with him, the withdrawal really hurts.