emoore2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 I haven't gotten a response to the closure text i sent my ex. Last time we talked was over 5 months ago. I basically just told him I consider him to be a good person even though he hurt me, and thanked him for being respectful/fun to be around. I even threw in a joke to make it more light-hearted. The text was pretty affirmative, I left with "Have so much fun at ___ and have a good summer". Do you think I should have expected this? Link to post Share on other sites
mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 I'm a bit confused. Did you just send him this text or was this 5 months ago? If you just sent him this text, he likely has no idea how to respond. In my opinion guys have a harder time responding to texts like this, where there are no questions or cues to respond. If you send this 5 months ago then he probably was not even in a place to respond to it. He may have been annoyed, upset or even indifferent to the text 5 months ago. He might have deleted it just because of those feelings or lack of feelings and simply forgot 5 months later. Anyway if you want a response in the future, and are over it, then here's what you do. Never mention the past, ever. I did that once with an ex years ago. We had went 6 months without talking and it made him so angry. He even said, "Melissa, why couldn't you have just said hi, how are you like a normal person heh." It's like you want closure but you keep talking about the past which prevents closure and sparks feelings. If you are over it and want to at least be amicable to your ex, then say something along the the lines of, "I was thinking about you. I hope you are doing well." Maybe ask a generic question, but I wouldn't send that unless you are over it and really just genuinely curious. Link to post Share on other sites
BustedUpInside Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 You ex is actually doing you a favor by not responding. What if he had written back something light and chatty and then sucked you into a conversation. He would probably be thinking that you were doing fine enough that you guys could be friends, while you would probably read into it and possibly get some wrong ideas. You said that he was a respectful nice guy so my guess here is that he is trying to make it known that your relationship is over and to give you the space and time to heal without having any mixed signals getting in the way of the process. Please don't feel bad if he doesn't respond. It really does help to have No Contact if you are trying to get over the break up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mbee Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 And for the record if you did just send him a text, and included the whole "you hurt me" response in there. Then that's probably the reason he didn't respond. Don't bring up the past. It's not worth it. If you really want closure, then just be positive and make sure it's clear you are wishing him well. Bringing up your pain is just giving you both glimpses of the past and seems like a way for you to make him feel guilt over it 5 months later. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 Yes. You never should have assumed he would have written back. I did this same thing with my ex. After we broke up I sent the "closure" e-mail, saying that it was for the best, that I loved him and I understood his decision, blah blah blah. In terms of breaking up, we didn't end on a bad note. He said his piece, I said mine, he cried, I left and we never saw each other again. He never responded to my nice e-mail. He did however wind up sending me a text message 5 weeks later being a complete a.sshole, telling me to lose his number and have a nice life. All because he met some other chick and wanted me out of the picture. I never expected him to write back to me with that first e-mail but the way he turned on me was horrendous. I'm actually glad I didn't wind up in limbo, with a pseudo "friendship" with this guy. It allowed me to just burn the bridge and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 When did you send it? If you sent it after the break up and he ignored you then.. I can see WHY you would expect a response; you were once very close with a guy, so you expected him to at least respond to your heartfelt message. That is normal. I would feel the same. If you sent the message months later, however; no I would not expect a response. He has probably got a new girlfriend, or has been dating or hooking up with other women and does not want you back. Why would he see a reason to contact you after he has moved on? There is just no reason for a guy to... want to be in contact with an ex, unless he wants them back. You do not want him to write back; unless your now happily in love with another men, I can guarantee you will have hopes with your ex. His reply would drive your crazy: oh he is talking to me, I wonder how to interpret his message; doe she miss me; has he moved on; does he want me back; why is he being so friendly; does this message mean anything and etc. Until I am happily in love again with a new partner, I do not want to hear from my ex either, and nor should you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emoore2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Author Share Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) Just to clarify, I never before verbalized the fact that he hurt me, ever to him. I hate talking about feelings and he knows that. And I didn't throw jabs at him just to turn around and throw out a compliment in the text. The text was generally friendly (a little passive too), besides the fact that I let "you hurt me" slip out. That exact sentence was "Although we have our differences, and you may have hurt me, I still think you are a.." I went on to say "if this means anything, great, if not, that's okay too". I really wanted to stress the fact that he was respectful of my virginity. It was something I never got the chance to tell him. This was my only chance because I would likely not see him for a while. I have no plans on talking to him unless we run into each other in the future. Edited May 25, 2013 by emoore2013 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emoore2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Author Share Posted May 25, 2013 I understand. I'm over the relationship but I don't think I'm over the way he hurt me. I never told him how I felt after he left me by myself at his fraternity banquet while he got drunk and cheated on me. Granted, I did hook up with his friend before so maybe I deserved it. But that's another story. I honestly don't think he will feel guilty about hurting me, he never apologized--that's why I felt the need to include the "you hurt me" part. If anyone has any thoughts let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 wow so the OP sent the message 6 months AFTER...... This is a real worry. If you have cut contact with them and accepted that you will never be with them again, you should not feel the need to reach out and remind them of the past. What the OP is doing is not working for them. OP - why don't you read about the successful stories of no contact? People have to not only cut contact, but learn to think and talk about things besides their ex. I am slowly travelling in the NC direction, I hope I do it properly, as I sure as hell do not want to be sending my ex pointless messages months later once he has moved on. The ex in question would likely be really baffled, and think " wtf I have moved on, what the hell is she still doing event thinking about me?" Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 I understand. I'm over the relationship but I don't think I'm over the way he hurt me. I never told him how I felt after he left me by myself at his fraternity banquet while he got drunk and cheated on me. Granted, I did hook up with his friend before so maybe I deserved it. But that's another story. I honestly don't think he will feel guilty about hurting me, he never apologized--that's why I felt the need to include the "you hurt me" part. If anyone has any thoughts let me know. You sound very young... The healthy thing to do, would be to focus on why YOU cheated, and how YOU can become a better person who uses strategies to solve problems that are healthy, instead of resorting to cheating. Your main concerns should be to work on yourself, figure out why you cheated, and take steps towards not repeating this mistake again. The next thing you should worry about is: not why your ex was an a hole. You should be worried about improving yourself enough, so that you will be ready to find a NICE guy. Thinking about what your ex did is toxic. The fact he is a jerk should be totally of no concern to you. There are so many jerks in the world! Don't you think you will be better served if you focus on finding a guy that IS NOT a jerk? Link to post Share on other sites
BustedUpInside Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 You sound very young... The healthy thing to do, would be to focus on why YOU cheated, and how YOU can become a better person who uses strategies to solve problems that are healthy, instead of resorting to cheating. Your main concerns should be to work on yourself, figure out why you cheated, and take steps towards not repeating this mistake again. The next thing you should worry about is: not why your ex was an a hole. You should be worried about improving yourself enough, so that you will be ready to find a NICE guy. Thinking about what your ex did is toxic. The fact he is a jerk should be totally of no concern to you. There are so many jerks in the world! Don't you think you will be better served if you focus on finding a guy that IS NOT a jerk? Yes to everything you said here. It isn't about trying to figure out to control your ex's behavior. That is impossible! It is about fixing things that are under the OP's power. She can't make someone do what she wants, but she can fix her own situation so that whatever her ex is doing won't matter to her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emoore2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Author Share Posted May 25, 2013 I'm 20 but this was my second real relationship. I definitely think that was the final straw. I partially did it because I might not be coming back to the school we go to, and thus won't see him to say goodbye. I know I know I probably shouldn't even be thinking about saying anything to him, but I still consider him a friend. I said goodbye to all of my friends. At school, most of our interactions were drunken interactions on the weekends, going back and forth between disagreements and near hook-ups. I'm pretty sure he relied on me to always show up at the places he would be...he was used to seeing me regularly. I felt like I needed to bring up the past in order to get over it. Making light of it might be the only way for me to get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ordinaryday Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 (edited) Why on earth would you send a text message full of breadcrumbs? I would not have responded either, if you are just looking to relieve your guilt by sending it hoping he will respond saying 'it's okay' so you can feel better about yourself and move on with your life. I would not have responded either, I certainly feel like I owe my ex nothing, and the only thing she could do to make me respond is say something like 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake, can we please try again'. Anything else does not warrant a response Edited May 25, 2013 by Ordinaryday 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lovelifexx Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 If someone sent me a message i would always respond. But many people wouldnt especialky guys. I know on here people are really negative towards the "closure email" for a number of reasons: that u should find closure on your own, that nothing he says will make you feel better anyways, that breaking your heart should be closure enough etc etc. I agree with all these reasons and after my last breakup i went total NC for 5 months. Well i still see him often but i never once tried to talk to him. But i caved and perhaps it made me look pathetic but i wont wonder anymore if we could be friends. I dont regret it at all. If a closure letter is what You need to move on then u should do it. Although msny people regret that they have done it. I agree though that the fact that u brought up that he hurt u was maybe not a good thing to write if u wanted him to reply. Guys hate talking about feelings that arent between happiness and satidfaction. He will run for the hills. It may have been lighthearted to u, but it probably wasnt for him. But u said what u wanted to say. Its ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 There is nothing wrong with a closure email. ..If you send it just AFTER the break up!! Doing it MONTHS after is totally pointless! He has moved on and wants you to do the same!! Link to post Share on other sites
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