Could Use Some Encouragement

[ComingInSecond]

I recently got involved with a MM. I had no intention of it going beyond sex but I fell head first into overwhelming feelings for him. He is clear he is staying married. He is also clear he wants to be with me. I have been torn up for days. I have gone through some other turmoil and I think the stress of everything which of course he couldnt be there for, really made me take a long hard look at things.

 

I sent an email to him ending it a few days ago. Of course he wanted to meet to discuss it and I ended up naked instead of not involved anymore. I am left flip flopping back and forth between leaving and staying. I seem to lose all will power when confronted with him as my emotions take over.

 

I am supposed to talk to him tomorrow as he gave me a few days to think. If I break this off please tell me this will get better. He is the first man I have loved in over ten years. I am so alone and scared at the thought of returning to that state of loneliness. I have been crying for two days. I want to do the right thing for both of us and end this but it hurts so bad.

 

Please if you have any words to help me move through this I would appreciate it.

[Saba]

You deserve more than an MM can give you. The drama will continue if you keep him as your partner. It will hurt now to break up with him but you will be better off. Give yourself the chance of a loving and committed relationship that is on your terms and dont settle for the scraps given by an MM.

[newdawn26]

The right feeling with the wrong person is not right! You have to protect yourself. Don't let him use you. At the end of the day, an MM still goes home to his wife and kids - but who do you go home to? The MMs seem to think they can have all the fun they want, because they feel like they have that safe haven to return to. Of course, they will never actually leave that haven. And it is the nature of women to be loyal and forgiving. Many times, the wife will stay by her husband's side even when she finds out he's been cheating. So any way the scenario plays out, the person who loses will be you. Again, DO NOT let this selfish man use you for his own gratification, and do not continue to be a part of hurting his wife and kids!

 

You might try some articles by Natalie Lue on Baggage Reclaim. They helped me a lot to distance myself from someone who was unavailable for me.

 

Here is one about being involved with an MM...and there are many other good ones! It all boils down to valuing ourselves enough not to let anyone else devalue us. Stay strong! Hugs!!

 

Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married Man/Attached Man | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[newdawn26]

Yes, it will get better. You can console yourself knowing you have done the right thing. And busy yourself helping others and finding opportunities to give to the world, without expecting in return. It can help to fill that void in your heart and distract you from sad feelings.

 

And most importantly, work on you - learn to be enough in and of yourself...when you're confident and build up your own life and hobbies and social network, you will feel less that you need someone to complete you. The loneliness will not get to you as much. And best of all, you will be attractive to quality men who are available to love you with all their hearts!

[spice4life]

I'm about 6 weeks out of mine. I'm basically employing the same techniques I do with any other breakup - that is, NC, filling my time, getting ready to date again etc. This had been shown to work with me, if I stick at it for at least a few months.

 

Having said that, ending things with xMM was the hardest breakup I've ever done. Usually you can hate an ex, but we don't hate each other, we're not mad at one another, and I know I miss him something chronic. I don't know if that gets better, but I assume it does.

 

I hope it does.

 

What i do know, is that I'm better off in no relationship, than one with absolutely no future. So i ended it for a good reason. You're better off too. :-)

 

Metalchick, you're posts are awesome. You've got it together girl!

 

Cominginsecond, this is fabulous advice. Metalchick is spot on. It hurts because you don't hate him and that's what makes leaving so hard. But if it's not right for you and you end up feeling bad, then leaving is absolutely the right thing to do. I feel your pain 100%.

[spice4life]

Thank you, you're very kind, because most of the time, I really feel like I don't. Have it all together, that is :-\

 

You're welcome. Hey, you have it together, you just don't "see" it yet.

[findingnemo]

I recently got involved with a MM. I had no intention of it going beyond sex but I fell head first into overwhelming feelings for him. He is clear he is staying married. He is also clear he wants to be with me. I have been torn up for days. I have gone through some other turmoil and I think the stress of everything which of course he couldnt be there for, really made me take a long hard look at things.

 

I sent an email to him ending it a few days ago. Of course he wanted to meet to discuss it and I ended up naked instead of not involved anymore. I am left flip flopping back and forth between leaving and staying. I seem to lose all will power when confronted with him as my emotions take over.

 

I am supposed to talk to him tomorrow as he gave me a few days to think. If I break this off please tell me this will get better. He is the first man I have loved in over ten years. I am so alone and scared at the thought of returning to that state of loneliness. I have been crying for two days. I want to do the right thing for both of us and end this but it hurts so bad.

 

Please if you have any words to help me move through this I would appreciate it.

 

I totally understand what you're saying. If you want to stop your feelings for him, I'm afraid that's impossible right now. If you want to avoid the pain that comes from breaking it off, as you can already see, it's inevitable. Yet you know you should end it. You're already over the most vital step. The knowing that it is wrong and must stop.

 

Here's my advice as someone who really loved xMM and yet did end it years ago. Develop some self control. That's your only chance given your emotions. Don't worry about whether he loves you or not, or that he will hurt because you are sure he loves you. That muddies the waters. Stick with absolutes.

 

1st Absolute: You deserve to be loved exclusively.

2nd Absolute: Love that hurts isn't worth having. Love should be born with all its fingers and toes. Affair love is malformed from day 1.

3rd Absolute: You have total control of your life and you exercise this by the choices you make. Anything that happens to you in love, any pain you feel, you made it happen by choice. You chose to be in that situation. So choose which pain you want. The kind that sets you free eventually or the kind that endures for as long as MM wants it to.

 

Take back control of your life. Self control is your best friend. It will help you make the move you want. It will help you refrain from running into his arms when you are feeling low. It will help you wake up in the morning and keep living your life. It will help you put your feelings in perspective.

 

Will the pain eventually come to an end? Maybe. For some it does. They meet the right person and fall in love, leaving the old hurts behind. For others like me no matter how hard we try the feelings persist. But it is not wrong to feel love per se. It is what you do about it that matters. You can do this. You must do this for yourself. And while at it, post here. Read threads and use LS for support.

 

Good luck!

[OpenBook]

I am so alone and scared at the thought of returning to that state of loneliness.

 

I don't know about all the other stuff with your MM, but I can definitely speak to this one. I know the above sentiment very well, and faced it many times when I was younger. I can tell you that what helped me the most in getting rid of that fear was just getting my hands around it. "OK loneliness, old friend, I'm back." I call it my Eeyore Routine. I wallowed in it until I got sick of it! Then I just picked myself up out of the mud and started moving. (It's slippery at first, but then you gain traction.) And every time I did it, I got better at getting out of the mud quicker, and even maybe a little bit more gracefully haha. Practice makes perfect.

 

I've done it so many times that now my reaction to "I'm alone again" is: Woohoo! Yes! Thank God Almighty I am FREE! I do the Snoopy Dance - once again, I am footloose and fancy-free!! It's exhilarating.

 

Loneliness isn't something to be afraid of, in my book. It's part of the human condition; everybody feels it. It comes and goes, and it's not permanent. You WILL find love again. If you can learn to be content with yourself in the meantime, that dissipates the feeling of loneliness.

 

Hope this helps you somehow.

[Goodbye]

I recently got involved with a MM. I had no intention of it going beyond sex but I fell head first into overwhelming feelings for him. He is clear he is staying married. He is also clear he wants to be with me. I have been torn up for days. I have gone through some other turmoil and I think the stress of everything which of course he couldnt be there for, really made me take a long hard look at things.

 

I sent an email to him ending it a few days ago. Of course he wanted to meet to discuss it and I ended up naked instead of not involved anymore. I am left flip flopping back and forth between leaving and staying. I seem to lose all will power when confronted with him as my emotions take over.

 

I am supposed to talk to him tomorrow as he gave me a few days to think. If I break this off please tell me this will get better. He is the first man I have loved in over ten years. I am so alone and scared at the thought of returning to that state of loneliness. I have been crying for two days. I want to do the right thing for both of us and end this but it hurts so bad.

 

Please if you have any words to help me move through this I would appreciate it.

 

 

At least your MM is decent enough to tell you the painful truth that he is NOT leaving his wife. So you are left with two choices: stay a secret OW or leave and recover. I say pick leave and recover.

 

You ask if it will get better. It WILL, I promise. You need to let go of hope that it will some how change, once you do that you can slowly heal. It takes different lengths of time for different people. I ended things at the end of March and I'm feeling human again. I still hurt, but I'm not pining and crying all the time.

[ComingInHot]

ComingInSecond, I REEEEEALLY want you to be mad at this MM!

He basically Told you up front that he is Not leaving His Wife. He Told he wants to get some from both of you. His idea of "let's discuss this like adults" meant getting you naked, Again to show you how good the sex is so you won't end it.

 

Maybe I'm just crabby today but MM may have well left out the "glittery words" and said, "I'm a Selfish MM who feels Entitled to what I want when I want and I Expect you to understand in all my awesomeness that I'm Allowing you to be part of my amazing, hot self as long long as You understand it is only at Your expense and heartbreak and Not to interfere w/my real life, world and status, so count yourself lucky to have this opportunity w/me ... for as long as it lasts"

 

See!!?!? Run-on sentence. I AM agitated today.

 

You wrote, you HAVE been in love before, you are in love again, which leads me to believe You have a capacity to love again only w/the RIGHT & available person who, in all His amazingness, Will Envelope you into it All the way*

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This guy is pissing me off already. I totally understand how you feel, believe me and I think most of us can understand why you would end up naked with him again. This is the reason you cannot see him. Nothing you do (even getting naked with him) is going to make him leave his wife. He told you that already.

 

I guess you do have a choice of remaining the ow and then eventually going through a horrible dday or getting out.

 

You deserve more and this guy is a douche. You need to dig deep down and muster up the strength to cut this off because, honey, you are going to be the one that is going to be devastated and alone when this thing blows and it most likely will. Let him deal with his own mess on his own.

[tryingto]

2nd Absolute: Love that hurts isn't worth having. Love should be born with all its fingers and toes. Affair love is malformed from day 1.

 

Love this! It really spoke to me. Thank you!

[ComingInSecond]

Thank you everyone. These are exactly the things I need to hear, feel free to keep them coming. I am over 40 and never thought I would find myself here.

 

That he is selfish and self serving I have no doubt he makes it clear. I am glad he did too or I couldn't imagine how sucked into this I would be. The crying is hard to stop and I have kids so that is extra hard trying to cram my feelings down to keep them hidden and it isnt working so well.

 

The worst part of this is that tiny flicker at the back of the brain that says if I am going to suffer thru a broken heart why not enjoy myself first. I wish I could strangle it. I am sure it is the same part of my brain that makes me ddeam about him.

 

I am trying to stay strong. I have no doubt I will need all of you repeatedly over the next few weeks...thank you for being here I am so glad I found you.