Crossed the line...

[Headorheart]

Hi everyone, I am new here but have been reading some of the posts on here for the last few months. There are some insightful and encouraging posts and would like to share my story.

 

First and foremost I am not proud of the fact that I am involved with a MM. What makes it even worse is that he is my boss. I have been at my job for a few years now, and only ever saw my boss as exactly that – my superior. I never really was attracted to him, I guess sitting in the same office next to someone for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, well you tend to get to know each other very well, I guess you could say we had a good working relationship. He confided in me about things he didn’t speak to anyone else about, and vice versa. We are the same age and have heaps in common.

 

Then it happened. An Xmas get together with work colleagues, the night went well with lots of laughter, drinks and a generally happy vibe. The odd thing was my boss was there without his wife, apparently she had aheadache. I am a single woman, so I went on my own. I noticed my boss sat nextto me all night, he knew that I almost didn’t go as I was uneasy about turning up on my own, as work colleagues had bought spouses and children etc. It was almost like he was trying to protect me, well that's what it felt like.

 

Towards the end of the night, people we leaving and it was only us and another couple left behind. Next thing I know, after quite a fewdrinks between us, I find his hand on my thigh under the table. My first reaction was ofshock…..I had no idea he was attracted to me, I always thought he was happily married, although recently he had hinted that things at home weren't too good. Looking back now, I should have pushed it away, but whether it was a combination of being drunk, lonely and the feel-good feeling of being attractive to someone…..I don’t know. We left together and walking to the train station, he pushed me against a wall and kissed me. Again I was shocked, but felt almost powerless to stop it. Weak, I know. It didn’t go any further that night.

 

Anyway, that was back in December and ever since I have tried to maintain a professional demeanour at work, but it’s killing me. It has turned into a PA and I have gotten to the stage where I have given him a deadline. I don’t want to be the OW anymore. We have sat down and he has toldme he wants to be with me and he will be separated by mid June (that is when his financial affairs are being sorted out). He tells me the wait will be worth it and to be patient….soon, soon he says. I do believe him, as I have questioned him about where he will live, how he will see his son, how he will sort his finances etc, and he seems very organised about how his life will be once he has left.

 

The thing that annoys me is that he is all affectionate atwork (discreet as we don’t want anyone to find out), but when it comes to me going home alone, I don’t hear from him. No texts, no calls, no visits, nothing. He knows I miss him when he’s not around, I get lonely etc and I’m starting to wonder if I am more invested in this than he is. I feel I have waited long enough for this man and yet the breadcrumbs I am being offered are just not stacking up. Then I think maybe I am over thinking all this and should just wait and see. I just don’t want this months of waiting to turn into yearsof waiting….. We have not even been on a proper date, it’s like we just see each other at work and that’s it.

 

I am in a very deep state of depression because of all of this…..all I want to do is sleep all the time, I cry all the time, I am withdrawing into myself and losing motivation to live anymore, and it really scares me. I have been single for quite a long time, and I am disgusted with myself for being in this situation. I actually hate myself for loving a man who is already taken. Inside me all I want to scream is WHAT ABOUT ME??!!

 

I came on here to share my story and I’m really not in a good place at the moment, so I’m asking please don’t attack me. I know I’m not going to get compassion from all, but maybe someone out there has been in asimilar situation and can offer some advice. I haven't felt this way about a man for such a long time, after previous heartbreaks it has taken me a long time to open my heart to someone again.

 

I know it is the wrong thing and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve started looking for another job, but in all honesty I’ve invested alot of time in my job and would hate to leave.

 

Thank you in advance and I think this forum is a good form of support and am thankful that I have found it.

[findingnemo]

So your worry is that MM isn't being truthful when he says he will leave by mid-June? This is because he only interacts with you at work, right?

 

I can't tell you whether or not your MM is ready to leave. It is one of the hardest decisions to make because it's not about simply leaving his W. It will be a drastic change in his life which he may be underestimating when he tells you his plans.

 

My suggestion is to break it off until after he has left and settled. Leaving his M shouldn't be because he met and fell in love with you. It should be because he doesn't love his W whether or not you're in the picture. Leaving his M is something he needs to focus on without being distracted by his R with you. He shouldn't need the support you give him. In fact you being in the picture makes it easier for him to stay in a bad M, if that is truly the case.

 

Step away from the A and let him sort himself out. Mid-June is a few days away. Let this be the test to see if what he says is really the case. Stepping away now will also help you if he chooses to stay M. Have a talk with him. Tell him your feelings and how you are getting stressed by the situation. Explain that you need to take care of yourself and that you want the both of you to act professional at work. Be polite but firm and ensure he understands that the A is over. If anything is to happen in the future, it should be as a new and open R.

 

Don't get depressed. Get up and do what you need to do.

[Goodbye]

What a bind. It would be good if you could work elsewhere. I hate that he is using you as his "daytime" woman while clearly keeping the secret at home...which is why suddenly evening communication ceases. Worst feeling, right? You can either wait and see what happens in June, if steps up to his promise. It does not sound like the two of you have a foundation for him to be thinking of leaving for YOU...if you have not been on a formal date or anything. Sounds like a passionate fling, frankly. Does he claim he is leaving to be with you or because his marriage is bad? The best option would be to bail with dignity, tell him it is over and repair yourself. This, of course, would be very difficult with him as your BOSS. I guess you could draw the line with him, and tell him if he crosses it, you'll tell his wife and the HR department? Good luck, keep us posted.

[whichwayisup]

Start looking for another job because soon, you're going to find it really hard to work with him professionally.

 

What does your gut say? Listen to it. If it feels like you'll be waiting a long time and stay the OW, believe that instinct!

 

It is doubtful that he is going to end his marriage, his words do not meet his actions. You two don't spend a lot of time together, he isn't in daily contact with you, yet he has this golden plan all worked out by June he'll leave and divorce his wife, leave his son behind to be with you? Don't bank on that. Time will tell, but from what you've said and the feeling I get from reading your words - It ain't gonna happen. He will feed you more lines and excuses as to why he can't leave now....

 

Also, don't fool yourself into believing nobody at work knows. People notice office affairs, so chances are many know or at best ,suspect something is happening between you two. Some have nothing better to do than to watch and gossip.

 

You have your career (and so does he!) and reputation at risk by having this affair.

[SidLyon]

Hmm so he's leaving his wife (are there children too?) in mid-June you say. But he has to get his marital finances sorted out first, is that right?

 

In Australia, married couples need to be separated for at least one year before they can initiate divorce proceedings. The finances are usually sorted out in the year after that.

 

If his wife is unaware about this impending separation/divorce/separation of finances, then it simply isn't possible for him to be sorting out the marital finances. Unless of course he's engaged in attempting to hide assets/funds in which case his wife's divorce lawyer will find that out fairly quickly and he'll be in major strife with the law.

 

My opinion is that he's most likely feeding you a line of crap and come mid-June there will be more excuses as to why he isn't leaving. Just remember that he can't really achieve much until his wife knows about the divorce. Once she knows then at least things can start proceeding towards you two being together. Up until then it's just meaningless words on his part.

 

If I were you I'd be asking some very searching and pointed questions about all this.

 

By the way I'm a lawyer and CPA (accountant) in Australia, so I do have some knowledge of what I'm talking about in relation to marriage breakup and finances.

Edited May 26, 2013 by SidLyon

[Headorheart]

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate it.

 

I am planning on sitting down and having a talk with him, and letting him know that I cannot be with him until he is separated. It is going to be a really tough conversation for me, telling him that I don't want the intimacy that has made me feel wanted again, but I don't want it in this way.

 

I don't want parts of a relationship, I want a complete relationship where I don't have to share him. I know that I deserve better than this.

 

I am getting so anxious about this conversation though, as much as I know it needs to be said, I am dreading it. I also know that I need to protect myself a bit from getting hurt anymore and settling for second best.

 

I just hope that I am strong enough to stand my ground and not slide backwards...

[ComingInHot]

headorheart wrote, " deadline. I don’t want to be the OW anymore. We have sat down and he has toldme he wants to be with me and he will be separated by mid June (that is when his financial affairs are being sorted out)."

 

Good morning darlin'!! I just want you to know that I along w/SO many others here want to support and help you the very best we can. One of the best ways we do this is by sharing our own experiences from the impact of Infidelity.

 

You will find you are Not alone.

You will find a whole different perspective from the hearts of BS's and WS's. (Contrary to some comments you may read, not every BS is b*thy. Bitter, of course. But not angry*).

Most of the responses will offer something that you can add to your artillary of information to make the best choices for your better and healthier future*

 

With that said, I quoted you above because I wanted you to hear what happened in my stitch.

My H said exactly what you wrote to his exOW!

If he had told her the truth, it would have read, "I'd like to have you on the side for a few months more until I can convince you that because of My unfortunate circumstances, I cannot leave and we should just go back to being best friends... oh and because we're best friends, there is No need to tell my Wife.".

 

Headorheart, this does NOT mean that the MM you are having an A with won't follow through with You! He gave you a deadline. It's only a couple weeks away. I say, sit back and see what happens. I mean, MM knows if he means what he said and by leaving AND filing for D, you will have your answer**

 

However, if he does NOT Do As he Says... please "call it a day" on this relationship.

Don't listen to his reasons - now they are just excuses

Don't by the "let's just be friends" - that's just so You won't out him to his W

Do tell him if he wants to "be" w/you going forward that he must Respect you and his W and make the relationship w/you legitimate by D'ing his W and to prove it to you w/signed D papers.

 

You are worthy of GREAT Love! Don't let Anyone convince you otherwise, not even yourself

[Ladydrib]

Hi everyone, I am new here but have been reading some of the posts on here for the last few months. There are some insightful and encouraging posts and would like to share my story.

 

First and foremost I am not proud of the fact that I am involved with a MM. What makes it even worse is that he is my boss. I have been at my job for a few years now, and only ever saw my boss as exactly that – my superior. I never really was attracted to him, I guess sitting in the same office next to someone for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, well you tend to get to know each other very well, I guess you could say we had a good working relationship. He confided in me about things he didn’t speak to anyone else about, and vice versa. We are the same age and have heaps in common.

 

Then it happened. An Xmas get together with work colleagues, the night went well with lots of laughter, drinks and a generally happy vibe. The odd thing was my boss was there without his wife, apparently she had aheadache. I am a single woman, so I went on my own. I noticed my boss sat nextto me all night, he knew that I almost didn’t go as I was uneasy about turning up on my own, as work colleagues had bought spouses and children etc. It was almost like he was trying to protect me, well that's what it felt like.

 

Towards the end of the night, people we leaving and it was only us and another couple left behind. Next thing I know, after quite a fewdrinks between us, I find his hand on my thigh under the table. My first reaction was ofshock…..I had no idea he was attracted to me, I always thought he was happily married, although recently he had hinted that things at home weren't too good. Looking back now, I should have pushed it away, but whether it was a combination of being drunk, lonely and the feel-good feeling of being attractive to someone…..I don’t know. We left together and walking to the train station, he pushed me against a wall and kissed me. Again I was shocked, but felt almost powerless to stop it. Weak, I know. It didn’t go any further that night.

 

Anyway, that was back in December and ever since I have tried to maintain a professional demeanour at work, but it’s killing me. It has turned into a PA and I have gotten to the stage where I have given him a deadline. I don’t want to be the OW anymore. We have sat down and he has toldme he wants to be with me and he will be separated by mid June (that is when his financial affairs are being sorted out). He tells me the wait will be worth it and to be patient….soon, soon he says. I do believe him, as I have questioned him about where he will live, how he will see his son, how he will sort his finances etc, and he seems very organised about how his life will be once he has left.

 

The thing that annoys me is that he is all affectionate atwork (discreet as we don’t want anyone to find out), but when it comes to me going home alone, I don’t hear from him. No texts, no calls, no visits, nothing. He knows I miss him when he’s not around, I get lonely etc and I’m starting to wonder if I am more invested in this than he is. I feel I have waited long enough for this man and yet the breadcrumbs I am being offered are just not stacking up. Then I think maybe I am over thinking all this and should just wait and see. I just don’t want this months of waiting to turn into yearsof waiting….. We have not even been on a proper date, it’s like we just see each other at work and that’s it.

 

I am in a very deep state of depression because of all of this…..all I want to do is sleep all the time, I cry all the time, I am withdrawing into myself and losing motivation to live anymore, and it really scares me. I have been single for quite a long time, and I am disgusted with myself for being in this situation. I actually hate myself for loving a man who is already taken. Inside me all I want to scream is WHAT ABOUT ME??!!

 

I came on here to share my story and I’m really not in a good place at the moment, so I’m asking please don’t attack me. I know I’m not going to get compassion from all, but maybe someone out there has been in asimilar situation and can offer some advice. I haven't felt this way about a man for such a long time, after previous heartbreaks it has taken me a long time to open my heart to someone again.

 

I know it is the wrong thing and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve started looking for another job, but in all honesty I’ve invested alot of time in my job and would hate to leave.

 

Thank you in advance and I think this forum is a good form of support and am thankful that I have found it.

 

Please do whatever you have to do to get out of this. If that means looking for a new job - find a new job! I understand you're invested in your work. Your story is very similar to mine so I can definitely relate and empathize. You must find a new job. And yes if you keep waiting for him it will very likely be years before you get out. And all that crying, you'll need some serious botox after that ;-). Unfortunately it is true what our parents said, given enough time your face does start to freeze like that. But playfulness aside and more importantly that feeling of losing interest in life and yourself and the feelings of being disappointed in yourself and the lack of control you feel will lead to hopelessness and at times you'll wonder why you are even going through the motions of life anymore. This is a very toxic place to be and you know it or you wouldn't be here looking for help. It is hard. Getting out will NOT be easy. But you can do it. He will not want to let you go so he will automatically say whatever it is to keep you investing your time in him. For some reason he also does not want to leave or he would be gone. I got the same stories. "finances getting lined up" kids, fill in the blank, whatever. And the times came where these things were no longer an issue. Did he leave? No. Did he finally admit that he probably won't leave? In a round about way. Does he also still feed me the line of "but maybe this or that and then we will be together" to keep me hooked? Yes. Am I still confused and do I still wonder if I'm making a mistake by giving up? In moments but most of the time I see it clearly. Did it take a lot of pain, lies, and failed promises to finally help me out of this? Yes. It was long and painful. And I'm still trying to put myself back together. Do I regret the years I spent doing this? Yes. Can I change what already happened? No. Can I make sure it never happens with him or anyone else ever again? Yes. Will I? Definitely no one else. I want to make sure I'm far enough out of his clutches before I commit to myself that I won't fall back with him. I did change my job and have made other major changes in my life to get out. I believe you will need to as well. Please get out now.

[Headorheart]

Thank you to all who have taken the time to read my story and give advice, I really do appreciate it and it's nice to have some support here.

 

Well, there has been a development and it all happened yesterday at work. I guess I just got so fed up of having yet another weekend of hearing nothing from him, that all my frustrations came out. I told him that I was very disappointed that he is making very little effort when it comes to me, and that I cannot continue to live like this, hanging on his every word, his every action......and that's exactly what it comes down to. His actions do not match his words. I want to see proof that he really is getting separated. I was been so incredibly patient and understanding, never pressuring him, just quietly sitting on the sidelines waiting....waiting for him to choose me.

 

So I told him I cannot continue to see him until he has told his wife he wants a separation and moves out. He finally admitted in a round-about way that he doesn't know what he wants, he has a lot of history with his wife (they married young and she is all he's ever known). He said that he is physically and mentally exhausted and hates how he has been treating not only me, but his wife as well. He's even seeing a doctor this week to go on anti-depressants.

 

I love him and it really hurts me to see how much pain he is in, but I've come to realise that I need to look after myself too, not only him. My problem is that I have a big heart and always care for others more than myself. Even now typing this, after taking the day off work and crying for most of it, even now I still worry about how he is doing.....was I too harsh for speaking up? Should I have waited just a little bit longer? Did I add to the stress that he is feeling right now? Have I put more pressure on him than what he could cope with? Urgh

 

I don't know about other OW's on here, but didn't you ever feel, I don't know, really used? I have such a mixture of emotions running through me at the moment. Anger that I waited for 6 months. Sadness that after all this time, I still don't have a definitive answer. Even now he says it hasn't ended, he hasn't closed the door on us, just wants a pause and that he just needs to sort himself out, then things will become clearer.

 

I really, really want to just say enough is enough and move on, but I really need support to do just that. I've started looking for an internal transfer within my company, but until that happens, how on earth do I put on a happy face at work, when I feel like I'm dying inside?

[BrokenPrincess]

So I told him I cannot continue to see him until he has told his wife he wants a separation and moves out. He finally admitted in a round-about way that he doesn't know what he wants, he has a lot of history with his wife (they married young and she is all he's ever known). He said that he is physically and mentally exhausted and hates how he has been treating not only me, but his wife as well. He's even seeing a doctor this week to go on anti-depressants.

 

I love him and it really hurts me to see how much pain he is in, but I've come to realise that I need to look after myself too, not only him. My problem is that I have a big heart and always care for others more than myself. Even now typing this, after taking the day off work and crying for most of it, even now I still worry about how he is doing.....was I too harsh for speaking up? Should I have waited just a little bit longer? Did I add to the stress that he is feeling right now? Have I put more pressure on him than what he could cope with? Urgh

 

I don't know about other OW's on here, but didn't you ever feel, I don't know, really used? I have such a mixture of emotions running through me at the moment. Anger that I waited for 6 months. Sadness that after all this time, I still don't have a definitive answer. Even now he says it hasn't ended, he hasn't closed the door on us, just wants a pause and that he just needs to sort himself out, then things will become clearer.

 

I really, really want to just say enough is enough and move on, but I really need support to do just that. I've started looking for an internal transfer within my company, but until that happens, how on earth do I put on a happy face at work, when I feel like I'm dying inside?

 

I get this...after my xMMs DDay, I was consumed with worry for him, anxiety about how he was coping, etc. All the advice here told me not to worry about him, he's a grown man who is home with his W. It took me about 3 weeks of NC before I finally started focusing on myself. You will get there too. The roller coaster of emotions is normal.

 

In the meantime, I am happy to assure you that no, you were not harsh and it was not too soon to speak up. He halfway admitted that he wasn't sure about leaving, so that's just 3 more weeks of stress & angst you would've had wondering if he was going to come through in mid-June.

 

How bad of shape are you in? Could you take a couple days off? Have you told anyone IRL that you can talk to? If not, can you see a therapist?

[crederer]

Mid June will come, then it will be mid September because of reasons xyz then September will turn to December, and around and around it goes.