long time lurker - I am the single om - I need some support

[Mnogomnogo]

First, just wanted to send thanks to cyberspace for this board, I've lurked here for two years since I began the A rollercoaster.

 

I met MOW two years ago. I knew she was married, no kids, husband was eight years younger! I foolishly felt like this was a mountain I could climb successfully.

 

Fast forward to Wednesday, last week, I drove MOW to the airport as she is staying with friends in Atlanta for the holiday weekend. I receive a call at three in the morning from BS's best friend.He figures everything out and forces BS to confront.Thursday we have dday and she is in another city unable to do any damage control.She has stopped phone contact with me and is now just sending emails.

 

 

I'm in shock.I don't know what is coming next.I'm not sure what to do our how to feel. I wasn't expecting her to leave her husband.

[Goodbye]

What is she saying in her emails to you?

[RickFox]

And unless her betrayed husband kicks her out of the house, you shouldn't expect her to leave him.

 

But she's about to do a WHOLE lot of groveling. And part of that process will be throwing you under the bus so hard it will take a tow truck to get you out from underneath it. She'll diminish her involvement, blame it all on you, possibly tell her H you're violent or a stalker, or that you were blackmailing her into seeing you.

 

Your character won't bode well over in her house, that's a promise.

 

What happens next? The usual, based on the thousands of stories just like yours. She'll either beg you to keep quiet and sit around and wait for her because "she'll be back after the dust settles and she can't live without you," or she'll cut you off right at the knees rather than lose her financial security and her family.

 

You can bet whatever her decision is, it's going to be what serves her the best. And that will probably be begging her husband not to kick her out, while secretly asking you to wait for her so you can pick up where you left off.

 

Both suck .. for YOU. Aim higher.

 

Wow, this was a nice slap of a memory in reality.

 

Quoted for truth...damn near dead on!!

[Praying4Peace]

What 'mountain' did you think you could climb if you don't want her to leave her husband for you, or do you?

 

I don't know...this could go both ways...there are no kids and it's been 2 years. What do the emails say and have you guys ever 'future faked'?

[Mnogomnogo]

she called today, we spoke for an hour. she is scared because he has full disclosure from affair friend. he wasn't taking her calls so she was fearing the worst. she is still in Atlanta.

 

I'll just say this, I get everything about affairs, as the post says long time lurker. I love this woman. she loves me. she has a ****ed up kind of love, but it's what I got, and I really love it.

 

My situation sucks. I'm a great guy who's gone through some bad stuff. My wife left me in 2009, on my BIRTHDAY (no cheating involved, we were just not getting along). she took all the money out that day and filled divorce the next day. she wouldn't let me see my kids for two weeks. when I finally cracked and drove down to see them she called the police and wouldn't let me in. she then sought and got a restraining order. there was never any violence and I have no reason to lie, she was just an angry woman and this was a tactic used by her attorney to get instant chips support and alimony and to get me out of the house, which they were successful since I agreed that I would. The only problem was that she never moved back in, she forced me to move, but she never moved back into the house? since then I've sunk down to poverty. I used to be a financial advisor with wachovia/wellsfargo. now I've got a crappy sales job in a call center.

 

So to answer your question, my woman gave me something to climb. it wasn't the mountain I hope to conquer one day, but it got me out of a very deep valley. My lover is a beautiful woman and I wouldn't want to drag her down with my myriad difficulties. I'm still not divorced!!! God damned wife won't let that happen and is going to be four years in August. she still uses the kids to hurt me.

 

I'm not drunk, but I did have one jameson tonight. I don't know what I should ask but I really want to hear from other OM on their experiences with dday.

 

I can say this, I could see that her mind was only concerned with damage control. she was very edgy. it was walking on egg shells. I don't blame her for being scared.

[2sunny]

So she hasn't stated that she's leaving the marriage - she's doing damage control. She's trying to get back in the good graces of her HUSBd.

 

That should tell you everything you wonder about.

[Clemenza]

After D-day with my MW, we had very LC for the better part of a month. Probably longer. I decided to keep my distance and let her and her H do whatever they needed to do. They were separated and looked like they were headed for a D, and it was with me keeping a distance so I felt ok about it. She and I started talking a little more, and another D-day happened 2 months after the first. Even though they separated, he was still wanting to make it work and emailed me pissed off because I had contact with his W.

 

So in my case, and I'm betting many others, that D-day wasn't the only D-day and it only led to temporary NC or LC.

 

I know I should've waited for divorce papers, but it was freakishly hard to resist contact with her. She initiated almost all of it. The fact that I'm wanting to be with her under the right circumstances (i.e. not wanting to be the root cause of her D and wanting her to do it on her own terms) has led to my current anxiety about the situation.

 

It's tough, but I think it's best to keep your distance after D-day. If it's supposed to happen with you two, it will happen. Cliche, but I think it's true.

[whichwayisup]

I can say this, I could see that her mind was only concerned with damage control. she was very edgy. it was walking on egg shells. I don't blame her for being scared.

 

She is looking out for herself and gonna save her own behind. Sorry to tell you this, but the chances of her coming clean to her H and admitting she is in love with you, wants a divorce now to be with you, is slim to none. She SHOULD do just that if she truly wants a life with, to start over. But, from how things usually go, she will throw you under the bus and/or minimize the affair, put much of the blame on you (you chased her, you were in love with her, she didn't mean to cheat, it just happened, she loves him and not you etc..) because of damage control and reality = she is waking up to ALL that could lose if her husband chooses to divorce her and not give her another chance. You can BET your life on that she is BEGGING him not kick her out and to divorce her. Desperation mode at it's best, many WS's do this and then later tell their AP's that it was the BS who begged them to stay and they have no choice.

 

Expect a lot of tears, expect pain and many weeks, possibly months of her breaking contact (now that the D-day has happened, a NC letter or a 'talk' is on the way soon) and telling you she loves and misses you but still can't leave him.. Be strong! Keep busy, be active and be with good friends and family who will help you through this.

[Mnogomnogo]

I'm in the dark again. I know it's so messed up and my head is ringing. I have a hard time knowing what to believe.

 

I guess what I'm not saying is that I'm scared. I don't think it's realistic that she can negate two years of daily relationship. she is like a step mom to my kids. she'd be throwing a lot under that bus.

 

It's crazy that I'm in this triangular relationship. I'm feeling for the bs. I'm thinking like a ww now. I guess it's been happening for a while, but the affair is over. what's next is unknown.

 

I don't know man, she's just so incredible. she vibrates my bones. all the logic in the world goes out the window when she's next to you. she's got her own reality and its fun to try it and surprisingly it works better most of the time.

[Mnogomnogo]

I'm thinking that I want to think I know more, but I'm chagrined. I just don't see her being able to look me in the eyes. She is going to hurt someone, probably all three of us. She may just run away to her family in Europe.

[2sunny]

You're handing her all your power.

 

I hope you will learn to respect yourself better/more.

 

When she calls - don't answer.

 

Begin moving forward knowing she only thinks of herself.

[ComingInHot]

mnogo, you think this MW is "incredible".

I think she is incredible too. She managed to manipulate you into thinking it was "okay" for her to have sex w/you and bet Husband. She placed herself in the role of step mother to your children while lying to her H and family and friends about their and your existence. For TWO years!! Then incredibly is trying to do "damage control" to whatever end so She STILL appear "Incredible" to everyone else who will eventually know she cheated.

She truly Does sound incredible, just Not very Credible...

Run. Run as fast as you can. Find a different woman, one who is Incredibly Honest, Single and ready to offer You and your children what you want and need.!!

[Mount]

Exactly.

 

Another thing I am going to say here, even my following words seem to be cruel, but remember it is truth.

 

Not every woman is emotional, some do have a brain, do calcuation and weigh in pro and con. You think about this - what is the gain or what makes our beautiful married woman coming to you, you said you are in poverty, call center job...etc.

 

I think above said enough. That is not rocket science to be figured out.

 

She is looking out for herself and gonna save her own behind. Sorry to tell you this, but the chances of her coming clean to her H and admitting she is in love with you, wants a divorce now to be with you, is slim to none. She SHOULD do just that if she truly wants a life with, to start over. But, from how things usually go, she will throw you under the bus and/or minimize the affair, put much of the blame on you (you chased her, you were in love with her, she didn't mean to cheat, it just happened, she loves him and not you etc..) because of damage control and reality = she is waking up to ALL that could lose if her husband chooses to divorce her and not give her another chance. You can BET your life on that she is BEGGING him not kick her out and to divorce her. Desperation mode at it's best, many WS's do this and then later tell their AP's that it was the BS who begged them to stay and they have no choice.

 

Expect a lot of tears, expect pain and many weeks, possibly months of her breaking contact (now that the D-day has happened, a NC letter or a 'talk' is on the way soon) and telling you she loves and misses you but still can't leave him.. Be strong! Keep busy, be active and be with good friends and family who will help you through this.

[Mnogomnogo]

There are no guarantees in any relationship, and they all end eventually.My wife was honest and available, yet wrought more destruction then any cheating spouse.

 

 

Every relationship is a give and take, using by a different name. MOW and I use each other. There is no pie in the sky bull****. Our love is based on the here and now. We're broken, we've glued our broken ends but we're both still attached to varying degrees to our marital partners. She sees him every day and she sees me every day. My (I wish she was an ex already) wife I see every other week, but the bonds attached are stronger because of the kids. The pain I receive from stbx would probably damage a normal relationship irreparably, which defeats the purpose of getting hitched again right?

[ComingInHot]

mnogo wrote, "My wife was honest and available, yet wrought more destruction then any cheating spouse."

 

Okay... Can you maybe do things that would put you and your children in a position to find a kind woman?

 

I am Not doubting your MOW is "incredible". I am just giving you what I see from a perspective outside of your A.

She is also probably "nice" to you and your kids too. Whether or not you see her as nice, incredible etc... what do her current actions SHOW you about how incredible and nice she is in her current state of A (no pun intended*)?

 

You have suffered greatly. That is apparent. I don't even know you but from looking at the things you have written so far, I just don't want you to be hurt anymore than you already have. This goes for Both your stbxw AND the current MOW.

 

Please be careful from this point going forward*

[Mnogomnogo]

I feel like the king of pain, been carrying it inside so long.

[ComingInHot]

I feel your pain come through in your posts. To carry such a thing can be damaging even debilitating. You don't Have to carry this all on your own!

Is there a friend, family member faith leader or professionional councelor it whom you could talk to?!

And you Do have LS now*

 

Sometimes the grief we tend to Cary/absorb crosses over into other relationships. Maybe it could be that some relationships are formed out of that anger and grief. Relationships not healthy from the get go.

 

I sincerely wish an overwhelming peace to come over you even if for a short time so you can summon the support you need to work through everything to let it go forever.

[Mnogomnogo]

Thanks again cominginhot, your words are soothing. I appreciated your caring. I'm hoping to find peace too.