Finished for good?

[Sapphyre]

It was in person, Simon.

 

Right...so I've played things badly, I can see I've slightly stalked him (will explain in a bit) but need some more advice, please.

 

Yesterday morning he sent me a text saying he had to end things; doesn't do conflict and never wanted to have to end things completely, but now felt he had to.

 

I immediately started asking why, as usual, and over the course of a few texts he said he doesn't want to meet up with me...he can't and was sorry about it, if he came t see me we would end up in bed and the guilt he would feel would 'destroy' him, I'm fantastic but just not the one for him...we are not in harmony, he realises he doesn't love me and sex has to be part of a loving relationship...generally very negative stuff. Then he asked me to leave it alone, so I did...but then went to his place

 

He lives on a houseboat and I'd never been there before, it's a bit out of the way along the canal so it took me about 2 hours of walking to get there, when I finally got to his place his dog was outside and greeted me happily (she's usually a very barky 'guard' dog but knows me), then I knocked on his door and his first reaction was a smile, and a "how the hell did you get here?" but it was said in a smiley, happy sort of tone of voice.

He then came outside and hugged me, saying "f-ing hell girl, what are you doing to me!?" (again in a happy tone of voice). He offered me a coffee and after a bit, I asked for the truth face to face rather than through text, and he started "you're fantastic..." but as I knew he was going to say 'but not for me' I said he doesn't need to start with the positives, he got upset at that and stormed back off into the house, before offering to drive me home.

 

He drove a bit too quickly down the country lanes, was clearly peed off and kept saying he doesn't want to see me again, I asked why he had reacted positively at first and he said "because I like you, girl! you confuse me".

 

Along with being angry he kept smiling and making affectionate remarks with a smile, like (when talking about his dog being stroppy) "yeah I'm used to stroppy women" and then winked at me.

When we got back, he stayed in the van and said I could talk, but he wouldn't come in...then he said "you want me to F you? and it mean nothing then go home?! fine come on then." - I didn't obviously...but he agreed to come in for a talk...for 10 minutes.

 

After a couple of minutes in the house he lay down on the sofa and asked me to lie in his arms, he didn't try kissing me or touching me, just wanted me to lay with him, he closed his eyes. I asked why he was doing that and he said "you make me so cross at times, more than anyone else ever has...but at the exact same time you have this ability of just making me want to smile and calming me down so much...I don't know how that is possible".

 

That went on for a while, eventually we ended up going to bed (after a bit of an argument where I'd asked him to come back that evening, he had sort of agreed then backed out and ended up just saying "come to bed, we'll have sex and I'll leave at 2am"...he spent more time than he ever has before taking the time to touch and kiss every part of me, it was very sensual and he definitely wasn't in a rush, kept saying "what am I going to do with you, girl?" and cuddling up and trying to go to sleep afterwards...but he did leave at about 2am as his dog had been locked in his boat all that time and she gets moody when he's not with her...I had deleted his number a bit earlier on and said that it was up to him to contact me from now on, but after he left I remembered his number and sent a text saying I had enjoyed his company, not to feel guilty etc...he replied saying that he was upset I'd lied about deleting his number, and that he was disappointed I hadn't let him contact me first. I asked why and he said because I should've waited...he'd intended on contacting me in the morning and now I was just controlling things again

He had said something that night about coming over again on Saturday, so I said he had no intention of doing that and he said no, he hadn't said he wouldn't come over...so I wrote his number in a text to prove I had remembered it and this morning he apologised, saying he believed me about the number.

 

I haven't replied to that text, but his texting last night was different to the past couple of days...usually during an exchange like that he'd either end up telling me to leave it, or say we had to end things for good...this time he used a lot of sad faces and kept saying he was disappointed, but never said he wanted to finish things, seemed to be keeping things open.

 

I've also changed in my mindset....he did keep saying last night he doesn't love me, he has strong feelings for me but not that core thing of wanting to be with me, is fairly sure his feelings will develop but is confused as to why he really doesn't want to lose me...last night in bed I knew all this, but it didn't seem to matter. I wasn't over analysing everything, just enjoyed the experience of having him there for what it was, not what I hoped it could be.

 

Now, I feel sort of...ok about everything. I want to just text him sometimes catch up, see how things go rather than obsessively chasing for a relationship.

 

Last night he said again that he hoped we had a future, but just doesn't think the feelings will return...however he doesn't want to lose me, I tie in him knots, he's so confused as to why his feelings feel so strong but that relationship feeling isn't there, and wants us to text then as long as we can get on for a bit, arrange a date and see if when he sees me, he just thinks of me in a sexual way or if he enjoys just being on a date with me, he'll know there might be something more to his feelings.

 

Not even sure what advice I'm asking for, to be honest - should I just go with things and see what happens?

 

I'm not going to contact him now, I'll wait to see if he does (as then hopefully that means he's been missing me).