I found the girl i was dating with another man..

[Calvin's wagon]

As much as I usually greatly respect and agree with Tara247's advice, in this case I disagree, as I think it's hard to confront a person who's good at lying and manipulating (emotionally, verbally,...).

[edelveis]

calvin'w wagoon i am sure i could confront her.it just seems pointless .

[edelveis]

Hello eveyrone once again.2 weeks and 3 days after what happened i still cant find closure.just ignoring her might have hurted her but it didnt help me at all.there are things i want to say to her,things which if remain unspoken i dont think can find any rest.finally tara might be right.i think i need to confront her so i am thinking to text her and ask her too meet tomorrow.not to work things out,not to take her back,nothing of these.in this way i ll say all the things i wanted to say and i ll get a sence of closure.what do you all think about it?is it the right thing?i need to do something coz my life is like a torture.

[edelveis]

Hello everyone once again.2 weeks and 2 days after what happened and i cant find closure yet.finally by ignoring her,it might has hurted her,but it didnt help me at all.it made things worse for me coz i dont have that sense of finallity that i need and i didnt say the things i wanted to say.this silence is more than i can take.its not finally me.so i am thinking that tara was right and i have to confront her.I am thinking to text her tonight to meet tomorrow.not to work things out,not to take her back,nothing of these.just to help myself and find closure coz without closue u cant start over.what do u all think?is it the right thing to do?

[Darren Steez]

Be a man, move on and date someone else. She's just a girl, you're making too much drama out of it. See how she's moved on..you should do the same. Closure is a myth. What confronting her will do is just open old wounds, bring everything up again, much like raking up the bottom of a pond once everything has settled, you're just mudding the waters again.

 

You know she cheated, she ignored you to go with this guy, those are the facts...what exact closure do you need? Why she did it? If she's sorry? Does it matter? You've done well getting this far, keep going and don't look back.

[aliveagain]

Dubai is the party place of the middle east. I have friends in Kuwait and anytime they want to drink alcohol and party that's where they go. That's an interesting destination for someone in a relationship. This girl has given herself a lot of options including giving you enough breadcrumbs in hopes of keeping you as a back up. Her actions don't match her words. Silence is golden, you caught her, what more do you need?

[edelveis]

I am not sure if she has cheated but i am sure she ingnored me.all these do not matter though coz i dont want to meet her to work things out.But i feel like i need this meeting in order to heal.maybe its wrong but that how i feel.and today it didnt go away i think of it again.to be honnest i want to be sure that i am doing the right thing.i dont want to have any "what if" in the future.if we meet she will prove me that she is really not worthy and i will say what i want to say and get my sense of closure.

[BeholdtheMan]

I am not sure if she has cheated but i am sure she ingnored me.all these do not matter though coz i dont want to meet her to work things out.But i feel like i need this meeting in order to heal.maybe its wrong but that how i feel.and today it didnt go away i think of it again.to be honnest i want to be sure that i am doing the right thing.i dont want to have any "what if" in the future.if we meet she will prove me that she is really not worthy and i will say what i want to say and get my sense of closure.

How about you start trying to date other women instead of fixating on a woman who has zero respect for you?

 

If you contact her now, she'll know immediately that you've been in mental turmoil and that your silence has been a complete sham. Don't expose your weakness to her. Overcome your weakness by focusing on yourself. Do yourself a favour and start pursuing other women.

 

If it's not easy for you to hook up with other women, work out, buy a new wardrobe, work on your charm and confidence. Focus on something other than your ex-gf

[edelveis]

i ve tried to go for a coffee with another girl that i really liked before she came into my life but i just couldnt stand it.it was hurting really much so i know i am not ready for it yet.i know that i shouldnt expose my weakness to her and i ll ruin eveyrhting i ve built till now because i will show her that during these 2 weeks i was thinking of her.the thing is i can find no rest in anything.i didnt expect it to be that hard for me.ifits something i really need just to find closure u dont think i should do it?i repeat that there is no chance to fix things.i just to have some answers,answers that will help me.

[salparadise]

i ve tried to go for a coffee with another girl that i really liked before she came into my life but i just couldnt stand it.it was hurting really much so i know i am not ready for it yet.i know that i shouldnt expose my weakness to her and i ll ruin eveyrhting i ve built till now because i will show her that during these 2 weeks i was thinking of her.the thing is i can find no rest in anything.i didnt expect it to be that hard for me.ifits something i really need just to find closure u dont think i should do it?i repeat that there is no chance to fix things.i just to have some answers,answers that will help me.

 

How long were you married?

 

Listen, you aren't going to make it better by talking to her. All you'd be doing is giving her another chance to disrespect you. She's a lying, cheating piece of crap who doesn't deserve another thought. Grow some gonads and kick her sorry ass to the curb without explanation. She knows what she did––don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that you're all wounded and pining and broken hearted.

[BeholdtheMan]

i ve tried to go for a coffee with another girl that i really liked before she came into my life but i just couldnt stand it.it was hurting really much so i know i am not ready for it yet.i know that i shouldnt expose my weakness to her and i ll ruin eveyrhting i ve built till now because i will show her that during these 2 weeks i was thinking of her.the thing is i can find no rest in anything.i didnt expect it to be that hard for me.ifits something i really need just to find closure u dont think i should do it?i repeat that there is no chance to fix things.i just to have some answers,answers that will help me.

Physical exercise will help you relax

 

Running, swimming, burpees, shadowboxing, weights, whatever...it'll help you release your stress

[edelveis]

hello guys.i agree with you.i see things better now.there is one more thing though.she suffers from emotional instabillity.she is an ill person.after what happened i was too mad to think about it.but now after a while i feel sympathy for her.maybe it will be the best for both of us to have an honnest talk for closure.if she was a normal personality i would stay NC and continue like this.what do you think now?

[Calvin's wagon]

First of all, I will ask you: Have you thought about the potential good things and bad things that would come from you talking to her? Can you write here what are the reasons for and against talking to her for "closure"? Think really hard and read all of your and our posts before replying.

 

I will write more after you reply:)

[samsungxoxo]

hello guys.i agree with you.i see things better now.there is one more thing though.she suffers from emotional instabillity.she is an ill person.after what happened i was too mad to think about it.but now after a while i feel sympathy for her.maybe it will be the best for both of us to have an honnest talk for closure.if she was a normal personality i would stay NC and continue like this.what do you think now?

I think you should continue to focus on staying NC with her. Just because she is emotionally instabled doesn't mean she isn't responsible for her actions. Suffering from emotional instabillity sure doesn't work in court; as long as the person knows right from wrong they can still reason.

 

In addition being emotionally unstable is a bad excuse being made for women that cheat, lie or do other wrong things. That excuse has even been used many times when they get arrested and it hardly works.

 

I'm wondering if this was a man lying and cheating, we sure wouldn't use ''He's very emotionally unstabled, maybe I went too hard on him'' phrase.

[edelveis]

well the reasons i want to meet and talk to her is:1st)untill now she is the person i had the most,most intense feelings for.i think it deserves a better,mature end.at least from my side,i wanna consider my self a mature one.by this way i will feel okay with myself,have clear conciousness and be myself.what i did its not me and i cant find closure that way.

2nd)i am a person who really seeks always for the truth.i have many questions who need answers and things to understand.at least if not everything then some of them.i feel like i really need it.

3nd)I have many things that i want/need to say to her which need to be expressed and get out of me coz they re drowning me.i am not afraid to admit things and if i finally decide to text her for meeting it means i am putting my ego aside.

 

Now the things against:1st)i am worried that she might deny to meet me for many reasons.maybe she has found someone else,she wants to satisfy her ego or a thousand more reasons.if she says no i will understand many things but it will also hurt my ego coz suddenly she will come on top of our story.i have a powerfull ego and its the things stopping me from texting her till now.

2nd)she might give a great show,might present herself again like i want her and be the most wonderfull girl,show regret,ask for sorry and generally be very nice to me.so when i go home i might have some doubts if i finally did the right thing.but its not very possible to happen.

3rd)i am going to see the girl i am in love with for the last time and its going to be hard.

 

I hope u re gonna answer fast coz i have to make a desicion tonight and text her not too late if i finally decide it

[therhythm]

well the reasons i want to meet and talk to her is:1st)untill now she is the person i had the most,most intense feelings for.i think it deserves a better,mature end.at least from my side,i wanna consider my self a mature one.by this way i will feel okay with myself,have clear conciousness and be myself.what i did its not me and i cant find closure that way.

2nd)i am a person who really seeks always for the truth.i have many questions who need answers and things to understand.at least if not everything then some of them.i feel like i really need it.

3nd)I have many things that i want/need to say to her which need to be expressed and get out of me coz they re drowning me.i am not afraid to admit things and if i finally decide to text her for meeting it means i am putting my ego aside.

 

Now the things against:1st)i am worried that she might deny to meet me for many reasons.maybe she has found someone else,she wants to satisfy her ego or a thousand more reasons.if she says no i will understand many things but it will also hurt my ego coz suddenly she will come on top of our story.i have a powerfull ego and its the things stopping me from texting her till now.

2nd)she might give a great show,might present herself again like i want her and be the most wonderfull girl,show regret,ask for sorry and generally be very nice to me.so when i go home i might have some doubts if i finally did the right thing.but its not very possible to happen.

3rd)i am going to see the girl i am in love with for the last time and its going to be hard.

 

I hope u re gonna answer fast coz i have to make a desicion tonight and text her not too late if i finally decide it

 

Where is the smile of WTF???

People have given you already 100 reasons why not to contact her and you keep coming back with the same question.... If you want drama then go ahead and meet her.... You will get drama that is what looks to be your thing....

 

Guy you got to grow up!

[edelveis]

Thank you for your responce thetythm and ur attempt to shake me off.but i dont think u seem to HEAR what i write.i WONT meet her (if i finally do )to work things out with her.i ll do it to find closure for me.u DONT have to understand me and u cant.

[Calvin's wagon]

Edelveis, I tried to get closure from my ex. Honestly, it made me feel worse, especially because at some point I realised that I have little reason to believe anything she says or seems to feel, even after we broke up.

 

So I see very little point in you talking to her. If there is something you want to hear from her, then you will never know if she said it because it was true, or because she wanted to tell you in order to manipulate you, or maybe she will mean it at that moment, but not the next day, because her opinion/emotions will shift by then. She has already shown herself to be manipulative and lying and emotionally not the most mature,

 

And as for what you want to tell her - if you want to tell her just to let it off your chest, you can, if you insist, send her a letter or an email. But if you want to tell her so you would get a reply - the same problem as above -> there's a lot of chance she'll be either lying or be manipulative or immature. How can you get real closure from someone who has acted the way she has, if you can't trust anything she sees or does or (seems to) feel(s)?

 

So basically there's little-to-no point in wanting to hear what she has to stay or in seeing her reactions. There's a big danger that you will feel worse because of her reaction or lack of reaction. And whatever you want to tell her, you can write it down instead of talking to her and waiting for her reply.

 

I believe the most mature thing right now would be to protect yourself from toxic/manipulative people and not giving them any more chances of hurting you, to learn when you need to walk away from people who have hurt you. You talking to her, even "once more/for closure" would, in my opinion, not be a sign of maturity.

 

Best wishes

[edelveis]

So you think there is no chance to finally say something honnest to me ?something real?i know that she might continue lying but i am not someone she can manipulate so if she will continue lying she will prove me everything.also i would like to ask her about her emotional instability problem in some way.i never had the chance to discuss about it maturely finally.i need an answer to that.maybe i need to justify my desicion to walk away because right now in my mind i have so many questions.dont u agree that its better to regret someday for something u did rather than for something u didnt?

[therhythm]

Thank you for your responce thetythm and ur attempt to shake me off.but i dont think u seem to HEAR what i write.i WONT meet her (if i finally do )to work things out with her.i ll do it to find closure for me.u DONT have to understand me and u cant.

 

I am sorry man but I think the one who doesn't get it is you... she is gone... final... finito... there is nothing she can say that will make you feel better, the only possible outcome is that you will feel much worse!

 

I get it ok, I have been there too, but the hurt will pass and you will heal, just don't do stupid things out of your pain.

 

Doesn't matter what you say to her, or what she has to say to you, it won't give you closure, closure will only come with the time when the pain becomes a bad memory.

 

Really man, you got to be grow up and be a man. She is part of your past, enjoy your present and look up to your future!

[Calvin's wagon]

Edelveis, I learnt my lesson the hard way - once someone betrays me/lies to me, I can't ever really know anymore whether they're lying or telling the truth, or maybe they're so confused (emotionally etc.) that they don't know what's the truth and just want to tell you what they want to feel.

 

Maybe they're telling the truth. Maybe not. The point is, I can't know that. I can only guess. And if I have to guess, what's the point of talking to someone like that. Maybe you think you can tell when she's lying or manipulating you - I think you underestimate how tricky and deceitful people can be.

 

 

But like I said, I had to learn it the hard way, by getting hurt again and again. Before that, I didn't listen to advice from other people. I thought that my case was special & unique. And yes, I didn't want to regret not trying my best.

 

But now I think I learnt my lesson. I imagine you will be like me and you will try anyway, and I completely understand that. I guess you have to learn the hard way too, like I did.

 

I just hope that you take care that nothing will happen that will cause you permanent harm or that will prevent you from being to walk away completely. Make sure you don't get any (sexually transmitted, from drug-users (sharing needles,...) etc.) diseases from her, that you don't get her pregnant etc. This way, if/when you realize that you can't save her or that it's too much for you, you can leave freely and without any permanent damage.

 

But I would strongly suggest, whether you get back with her or not, whether you contact her or not, that you start individual counselling and that you spend at least a couple of months in it, no matter what happens with you&her.

 

So:

1. take care of your safety/pregnancy

2. attend individual counselling.

 

That way, even if you have to learn the hard way, you will still be ok after all this, without any diseases, kids, ..., and with indivdiual counselling to help you get better.

 

Best wishes, whatever you decide! Hope to hear from you

[edelveis]

Therythm thank you again man.i just have to mention that she is gone as you say because i didnt go back to her and ignored her.untill now its my choice man not hers.deep inside i know u re right but i think i am so stubborn that i guess i ll have to learn it the bad way.u ll hear from me soon so u ll know what i finally did

 

Calvins wagoon i agree with what u say expect i am not going back to her.its the only sure thing.and as u say mayybe i have to learn it the hard way even if i have good people trying to prevent me from making a potential mistake.i am gonna write tomorrow whether i texted her or not.thank you for tonight u made me feel better

[salparadise]

So you think there is no chance to finally say something honnest to me ?something real?i know that she might continue lying but i am not someone she can manipulate so if she will continue lying she will prove me everything.also i would like to ask her about her emotional instability problem in some way.i never had the chance to discuss about it maturely finally.i need an answer to that.maybe i need to justify my desicion to walk away because right now in my mind i have so many questions.dont u agree that its better to regret someday for something u did rather than for something u didnt?

 

Damnit - just quit.

 

You're looking for something that's not there. I once found myself having to get over a lying, cheating slut. I know whereof I speak. You want to resolve the dissonant feelings caused by the difference between what you felt/thought it was and what the reality turned out to be. I can tell you - you need to quit thinking she's going to help you with that. She's just going to play you again. Resolution comes from actually accepting that you got played like a fiddle and that she doesn't give a crap about you. You're in the denial phase right now. Don't act on it.

[edelveis]

salparadise of course i agree she is a lying ,cheating,dishonnest slut who tried to play with me.but if i found her with that guy while lying anf put an end to her game.i ruined her planns.i was not so blind.i managed not to text her yesterday and i think i am not going too coz u are all right.it wont help anywhere.now i can keep my dignity,my head high and conciousness clear because i kicked her sorry ass to the carb wihout explanation,just by ignoring.i am glad that i showed to her that she cant play with me and that i am over with her and her foolish games.after all u are all right at the biggest part.and i wont blame her emotional instability again coz she knew exactly what she was doing that night.also a common friend told me today she is drunk almost every single night after what happened so i guess she continues finding relief in drinking.if she doesnt want to help herself i wont risk mine.after all its her who lost not me.i am gonna find someone much more better than her one day when i ll be healed.i dont think there will be again in the future many guys like me willing to risk everything just to be with a person like her and help her through the relationship.so she is probably doomed to be staying in cheap love stories.

[edelveis]

goodmorning.she texted me yesterday on my bday at 6 in the morning saying:"happy bday,i m sorry and miss you".she sent it from another number in whatsupp application for smart phones which number i dont have so i answered:"thnx but who are you?"i couldnt think it was her.after a while her photo appeared so i knew.my message has not been delivered coz she logged off and now i see she is in by her normal number.should i send a thank you message or its like initiating a contact?and why did she have to do it now?