Betrayed GF

[Fkobama]

I broke up with my girlfriend of nearly two years in Jan13. We stayed friends with benefits and I still felt in love with her, but I don't know why I couldn't stay in a relationship. I put it down to immaturity ( I had just turned 18).

 

We were, I suppose, technically allowed to be with other people. A friend from high school came over one day during summer, we watched the office while really high and ended up having sex. Terrible, short, non erect, no orgasm sex. I was high as balls. I kept staying with my 'ex' for long after that, insisting we were only friends with benefits.

 

I made the mistake of cutting communication with her entirely for two weeks sort of recently, where she slept with another guy, which was also bad sex. After the two weeks of silence we got back together and are properly dating, and we've never been this good before. Communication, trust, maturity; everything improved. I've only just come out of a mild eating disorder/body image issues after thinking I was inferior to the guy she slept with (I would go to the gym twice a day, play soccer and work). She helped me through it a lot, I love her.

 

The only problem now is approaching this thing with the stoner girl. I really don't like her, and have never seen her in that way. She's not even sexy. I was just High. After my huge reaction to her sleeping with another guy, I don't think she would feel good (good, I mean she'll probably kill me) after telling her what happened with the stoner. I haven't smoked weed since then and don't plan on it either, not because of what happened but because it's boring.

 

I love this girl, but I don't want to break her heart. Do I not say anything and pretend it never happened? Or do I say something and risk everything?

[Tinie]

What do you mean by "I suppose, technically"? That sounds like you're trying to worm your way of the problem.

 

I'd keep my mouth shut. And think before I do something. But I'm a selfish person, so the more decent thing to do is tell your GF what you did and accept the consequences.

[TaraMaiden]

Why have you started a second thread when you have hardly addressed the responses of those who contributed in the first one....?

[BetrayedH]

So, you slept with someone else, too, but didn't tell her. Nice.

 

Grow up, dude. Come clean with her and try being loyal and faithful if you actually want this to work. So far, you broke up with her for no good reason, slept with someone else, didn't tell her, and have been "hurt" by the fact that she slept with someone else after you dumped her. Who do you think has the problem here? Start living an honest and authentic life or you'll find yourself living with the consequences of living a double-life, which includes hurting a lot of other innocent people. Let go of that ego that developed from HS popularity. Real life is starting now and your decisions matter.

[Fkobama]

@Tinie: We had agreed that we could sleep with others, and we'd remain friends with benefits until Uni started this year, because we thought at that stage either of us would be with someone while the other wasn't, and it wouldn't work very well. It turned out I couldn't do it, I was still very attached to her. Anyway, the problem really is that I lied to her when she had asked, before uni started, if I had been with anyone during the breakup period. I said I hadn't because I believed my own lie of not really having sex with the stoner.

 

@Tara: I thought that thread was dealing with a separate issue, I can delete this one if you think that's the right thing to do

 

@BetrayedH this post was really good. I'm going to tell her (in person). You're very correct

 

edit: I should elaborate further. I think it's silly I even asked this question now. It's so obvious that I should be more mature and approach her. I think otherwise it could allow things like this to continue happening. Not cheating on her, obviously, I don't think I cheated on her, but I definitely lied about not being with other people during the 'breakup' period. I'm saying it would be a precedence to keep lying to her as long as I justify the lie to myself. Probably not a good idea.

Edited May 26, 2013 by Fkobama
Elaborated on thoughts

[Quiet Storm]

If you want a genuine relationship with her, then you should tell her.

 

True intimacy will be difficult if there are secrets.

[BetrayedH]

If you want a genuine relationship with her, then you should tell her.

 

True intimacy will be difficult if there are secrets.

 

This is a great life lesson to learn now and really the one I was trying to make. Being vulnerable enough to share your weaknesses and mistakes is what makes for true intimacy. Any lies or secrets between you really are just a wall that precludes that intimacy and at that point, you're just mutually using one another. It's even worse if it's one-sided because she is dedicating the one life she has to someone that isn't doing the same. If that's the case, the kind thing is to let her go. You are young, unmarried, and unburdened by children so that's a legit thing to consider. But if you both want this relationship to be exclusive and to grow, make a course correction (which a smart girl will ultimately appreciate). Honesty turns out to be the best choice either way so I applaud your decision to come clean with her.

[Fkobama]

I told her last night. We're working through this pretty well. She was angry, but also understanding. I've been going through a 'course correction', as BetrayedH describes it, for at least a month now. I do believe what Quiet Storm said about 'true intimacy will be difficult if there are secrets', there are no secrets now and I think things are looking up.

[BetrayedH]

I told her last night. We're working through this pretty well. She was angry, but also understanding. I've been going through a 'course correction', as BetrayedH describes it, for at least a month now. I do believe what Quiet Storm said about 'true intimacy will be difficult if there are secrets', there are no secrets now and I think things are looking up.

 

Fantastic to hear. I'm sure it wasn't fun making that confession but now that it's over, you're starting anew from a solid foundation - one built upon honesty. No one is perfect and we do all make mistakes. They don't have to define you. How you handle the mistakes you make can say much more about you. Kudos for your recent decision-making and good luck with the future of your relationship.