For those of you who "Outed" your AP

[Goodbye]

How did you do it? Why did you do it? What was the end result if any?

[spice4life]

I know I'm not who you are looking for answers from, but I just wanted to say I never had the desire to out my xAP - not now and not ever. I just don't.

[findingnemo]

Good topic! I hope people respond. Unlike Spice, At the beginning of the A and for some years into it, I wanted to out xMM. Self preservation stopped me. It would have been worse for me than for him. People here don't get Ds over infidelity. The whole thing becomes a scandal and the latest topic for gossips. So outing someone is an exercise in futility if the plan is to separate them which was what I wanted during my "immature" days.

[DelusionalOne]

I have no desire to out my xAP either. I could destroy his R with his W with some of the stuff I have but it won't change anything and it won't make me feel any better.

 

Goodbye, are you thinking of outing him? If so, can I ask why?

[Goodbye]

I do think about "outing" the exMM. I doubt I will, but I do entertain the thought. As I posted here before, there was a very high level of deception initially in our relationship. So, yes...some of this speaks to my underlying anger level. I guess love and sadness has given way to anger at the deception involved. It is certainly not my style, but then again, participating in someone's affair isn't either. I do realize that my exMM is a master manipulator and I do feel for his wife. I mean, this guy can spin a tale like nobody's business; no wonder he was president of the debate team in college. I asked him to not contact me unless divorced, and he has repeatedly emailed me long, flowery letters about his undying love for me and how "stuck" he is in his situation. His situation isn't all that complicated: they both work, they share in raising one child...lots of divorces, including my own are far more complicated. The fact is that he has CHOSEN to stay with his wife and mess with me, yet she hasn't had the CHOICE in knowing that she is with a lying weasel. Yes, I'm sure over the years she has developed a working knowledge of the fact that she is married to a Professional BullSh*t slinger, but knowing he is in a full blown R with someone else is a different story. He was proud of the alibis he'd put in place before our later visits.

 

So...again, this thread is really to get the stories of those who've chosen the "outing" route. I know many of us are divided on this topic. But, I'm looking for the stories of those who've chosen to do so.

[Silly_Girl]

I wrote to her. She did not want anything whatsoever to do with me.

 

I did it because he was prepared to continue lying to her and keep her in a relationship for his convenience. I felt she deserved the right to make an informed judgement. I felt 'icky' about it for ages, never wanted to be in that position.

 

He and I then got back together, and he told her he was leaving, and he did. She was angry that he hadn't told her from the off, both times around. She wasn't angry he met me, totally understood that he wanted more in his life. After all, she had done the self-same thing 2 years prior.

[Praying4Peace]

Let's say you decide to out him (I don't recommend it)- what would be a consequence that you would not want to live with?

[PennyV]

Although I understand the aguement for honesty, I personally think it is outweighed by the cruelty of the intentional infliction of pain on a BS. I know the counter argument is 'don't get into an A' but once it has happened and the decision is made to commit to the BS surely the pain and guilt should be borne by the WS alone whilst all effort is made to make amends to the BS.

 

I accept that this is a generalisation that assumes a WS wants to make amends.

[Praying4Peace]

Why not? Doesn't the BW have any rights? Shouldn't she have all of the information so she can choose whether to make changes in her life?

 

I think it depends on the type of affair. If there was a friendship/love and things didn't work out because it wasn't for the best and there was a marriage to be saved then NO. Yes BW has rights, but they need to be given to her by her Husband. I would never in a million years out him. If the tables were turned, i would want him to respect my wishes to handle my own marriage on my own terms (we were both married).

 

I don't believe that a reconciliation is true unless you tell the truth, so I'm not saying that I think covering up is the way to go.

 

Even if you hate the MM/MW- why are you doing their dirty work for them? They need to own up themselves. In the end, when it comes to details, the BS is going to believe the spouse no matter what. Being in an A really amps up your ability to lie on your feet, its not something to be proud of but true.

 

Just walking away and remaining NC is a huge help to the BS. Focus on that.

 

I wanted to add- if a BS came up and asked the AP if he/she was having an affair with his/her spouse...that's different. I don't think I would lie for anyone if I was outright asked.

 

ETA: The spouse knows the best way to break the news. Maybe in counseling, maybe at a certain time. They are in the best position to do the job.

[PennyV]

I'm always a bit amazed when an OW or FOW won't come clean to the betrayed wife or give her the truth if the BW contacts her, simply because it may not benefit her to do so.

 

It's said that the true measure of a man can truly be seen by how he treats others who can do absolutely NOTHING for him.

 

Is this the same as outing an AP?

 

I am happy to be corrected if I am mistaken...but in my mind outing would be contacting a BS that was unaware of an A...as opposed to answering honestly any questions asked post discovery.

 

Just to clarify, I am not being picky....it's a genuine question!!

[Pardon_me]

I have no desire to out my xAP either. I could destroy his R with his W with some of the stuff I have but it won't change anything and it won't make me feel any better.

 

Goodbye, are you thinking of outing him? If so, can I ask why?

 

Sometimes I consider it, but then the same thought as above go through my head.

 

She knew about me, we had been caught two different times. Although she was not aware of the full scope of the relationship.

[DelusionalOne]

Sometimes I consider it, but then the same thought as above go through my head.

 

She knew about me, we had been caught two different times. Although she was not aware of the full scope of the relationship.

 

Exactly.

 

Quite honestly, as a BS (twice) long before I was an MOW... I could care less about anything the OW had to say. She didn't betray me...My H did. Why should she honor my boundaries? I was nothing to her and my DH invited her to overstep them. I put zero responsibility on her and 100% of the responsibility on my DH. He got no leeway at all. He's a big boy and 100% responsible for his own actions. I didn't need her to "tell me the truth"... i already had the truth... HE lied, HE betrayed me and HE broke our vows... she was nothing more to me than his vehicle to do so.

[Goodbye]

Goodbye, don't you think it's a bit of double standard to assume she knows what she is dealing with? How could she know about the cheating, he didn't tell her, you aren't going to, so really how would she know? You figured out he is an ass, but come on........he fooled you for a while, why is so impossible to think that he can't fool her. After all, he works harder at fooling her, than he ever did you. Much more invested there, so many reasons that he has to work harder to keep her in the dark.

 

 

First of, I didn't say I wasn't going to tell her, I said I probably would not. Yes, I "assume" she knows he is a schmoozer. She's been married to him for 10 years. Maybe she has been fooled. Don't know for sure.

[Goodbye]

Exactly.

 

Quite honestly, as a BS (twice) long before I was an MOW... I could care less about anything the OW had to say. She didn't betray me...My H did. Why should she honor my boundaries? I was nothing to her and my DH invited her to overstep them. I put zero responsibility on her and 100% of the responsibility on my DH. He got no leeway at all. He's a big boy and 100% responsible for his own actions. I didn't need her to "tell me the truth"... i already had the truth... HE lied, HE betrayed me and HE broke our vows... she was nothing more to me than his vehicle to do so.

 

 

Would you have found out that your H broke his vows had the OW not spoken up?

[DelusionalOne]

Would you have found out that your H broke his vows had the OW not spoken up?

 

Yep, I caught him both times and let him wallow in his lies before I dropped the bomb on him.

[who_am_i]

Oh Goodbye...

 

It's too bad that one can't ask a simple question without everything getting twisted. Unfortunately, it ALWAYS comes back to why she deserves to know. I'm sure that you, like I, have seen countless threads go in this direction regardless of initial topic and it appears that this thread is no exception.

 

You seem like a pretty inelegant girl. There is no doubt in my mind whether or not you understand why she deserves to know. You can be told a million times by a million people that it's the right thing to do, however you are the one who will have to deal with the results of your choice...either way...all alone!

 

Other then myself, I've not read that many OW have chosen to out their MM...and trust me, I've looked. The ones that have...similar to the ones who've posted above...say they did it because they too believed that she had the right to know. But that was not my motivation. Quite honestly, as embarrassing it is to admit now, I didn't think about her at all and I told her out of desperation.

 

I didn't want to lose him. I was in love with him and all the ups & downs and hots & colds really started to wear me down. He'd say one thing and do another and I was emotionally spent. I started performing huge algebraic accusations of "what ifs" in my head...it was a pathetic and exhausting way to live.

 

When I told her it was out of 100% selfishness. I've said many times that I am ashamed that I never considered her and the affect it would have on her and their two small children. I just wanted her to get angry with him and show him the door, but that's not what happened at all. Instead I managed to destroy any fond memories that either of us could have potentially taken away from our time together.

 

I know we've had exchanges about this before and all I can say is that if you're determined to tell her, be sure it's for the right reasons.

[Goodbye]

He fooled you, right? Why wouldn't he be able to fool her? After all, he has more reason to fool her, than he ever had to fool you. Your mm was apparently very charming and had you, hook, line and sinker, so it's not hard to get that he uses that same charm on his wife, is it?

 

Wives who know, are the exception to the rule. They may be suspicious but they are lied to and gaslighted, so on it goes, until they have some undeniable proof.

 

Ow's often wrongly assume, how could she not know...........see above and read bs's stories.

 

This is true.

[10yrs]

How did you do it? Why did you do it? What was the end result if any?

 

The first time was under a year into our affair, and although MM and his GF were and still are not married, it was a secret affair. I asked MM to tell the GF about us, I wanted him to admit he was seeing me for some crazy type of validation. He did not tell her. The GF only knew that MM and I were close friends, but she suspected more as she was always asking questions. One night I got upset at the way he dismissed me in public, around her, and I went home and wrote a very long letter to the GF and emailed it to her.

 

The letter was calm, detailed on the time frames but I did not go into any personal details. She had been wondering why I acted so strange around her so this was a way of explaining it. However, I didn't do the letter for her, I did it for me. I wanted to clear the air, and I wanted to hurt him.

 

The end result was nothing changed. They did change for a couple of months, then we went back to seeing each other. The GF tried to keep MM from seeing me, but he did what he wanted. I never regretted sending that letter.

 

The second time I outed him was not planned. She always would try to talk to me and get information from me. I'd asked MM to keep her away from me but he didn't/doesn't. Well, she over analyzed a comment I made one night when we were all out and the next week pushed me to answer details about what I meant. She kept pushing, begging for the truth, so I let her know that MM had been seeing me. It turned into a big fiasco and I regretted it big time. Mm threw me under the bus, the GF called me and accused me of being a lying lunatic which angered me so I then gave her enough details so she would know that I wasn't making it up. I still regret that whole incident and it was about 8-9 years ago.

 

So, I would say that if you want to do it, put together a letter when you are calm and collected. As others have said, assume this will forever end your relationship with MM. It may not, but it is highly likely it will. Sleep on it for a night or two. If you still feel driven to send the letter, then send it.

[Goodbye]

LadyGrey, yes I agree I was feeling that way...but mainly about my end of the secret. I've told my friends, therapist some family about the exMM. I don't really feel I'm "keeping" his end of the secret...just not telling it right now.

 

I realize that this would decimate any chances of a "future" relationship with the exMM...and as of today, I'm quite ok with that. I'm just trying to not act impulsively as I have at times.

[PennyV]

 

I realize that this would decimate any chances of a "future" relationship with the exMM...and as of today, I'm quite ok with that. I'm just trying to not act impulsively as I have at times.

 

I would ask myself two questions. Firstly 'what would I gain?' and secondly 'why do I want to tell her?'

 

On the surface they may seem to be the same question but with some though I think for me the answers would be somewhat different.

[WakingUp]

Well I am one of those who told the BW.

 

I simply said that I had been having an affair with her husband for over four years, and that I was very sorry to have done that to her.

 

My intentions... I wanted her to have the truth. I knew she had asked him lots of times and he had denied it. I wanted to finally end the affair. I had never managed NC. I thought he would simply drop me like a hot potato and work on his marriage. I wanted to get on with my life and I wanted them to get on with theirs. He was obviously never leaving and I was exhausted by the whole thing.

 

Well, it didn't work out that way. He told her he would continue seeing me and he is. The difference now I suppose is that she knows the truth. He is now able to stay the night here, have dinner with me and we actually had a weekend away with no sneaking around.

 

It is not what I expected, and it is not what I want either. I seem to have found myself in some sort of second wife role. I also feel obligated now as he hasn't thrown me under the bus. Trapped, almost, in a situation that is far from what I want or need. And she is saying that she would have preferred to not know, and that we had continued in secrecy.

 

For now I am simply taking one day at a time. But there is no way this can continue. Its crazy making.

 

I love this man. But at the same time I wish this affair had never happened.

 

By telling I thought I had done the right thing. But now I wish I had simply had the strength to walk away. I never could find the strength though. So who knows what will happen now.

 

All situations are different, that's for sure.

[neveragain34]

I outted my exMM because I caught him looking for sex on Craigslist and thought she should know that she was at risk for STDs. He hated me for it, but it was the right thing to do. She wasn't shocked at all and said I was the 19th woman he had an affair with that she knew of. He was a serial cheater/narcissist. She said she was really leaving him that time, but I think they are still together. (Her facebook profile photo is still of the two of them.) It's been 6 months since it all happened and he has a new girlfriend/possible mistress now. How do I know this you are probably wondering...he got over the hatred he had for me and started pursuing me again a couple of months later. I resisted at first and then I made the mistake of agreeing to see him a few of weeks ago and ended up sleeping with him. Seeing him, talking to him, and looking around his apt, I realized he is using all of the same charming tactics on new gf as he did on me. This poor new girl is probably thinking she has met the love of her life and has no clue he slept with me recently and may still be married. I am ashamed for sleeping with him after being so strong for so long, but in a way, I'm glad I did. It made me see the pattern he follows, and realize that I was never anything special and the 'rare connection' I thought we had was nothing but part of his diseased mind. Needless to say, I have not seen him again and have closed that door for good. I've had my closure; his tactics don't work on me anymore now that I see this is normal for him. There will be no telling the wife or girlfriend what happened this time around; they will find out on their own if they don't already know. Good luck in whatever you decide! Sorry for the long soap opera story. Lol

[SweetiePie12]

I know I'm not who you are looking for answers from, but I just wanted to say I never had the desire to out my xAP - not now and not ever. I just don't.

 

Well, yes, because it's a betrayal. I love him. I would never, EVER do such a thing.

[SweetiePie12]

A

 

BS's deserve to know the truth of their lives. We deserve to try to keep ourselves safe (STD's).

 

What does that have to do with anything? How presumptuous.

[SweetiePie12]

I wrote to her. She did not want anything whatsoever to do with me.

 

Do you think, perhaps, that she's heard it from someone else before?

 

I did it because he was prepared to continue lying to her and keep her in a relationship for his convenience. I felt she deserved the right to make an informed judgement.

 

Curious to know why your loyalty did not rest with him...