For those of you who "Outed" your AP

[SweetiePie12]

Why not? Doesn't the BW have any rights?

 

Yeah, she has the right to know about her life from the one she is involved with, not the one her chosen one has also decided to involve himself with.

 

Shouldn't she have all of the information so she can choose whether to make changes in her life?

 

Yeah, but you can't go looking for apples from an orange tree.

[SweetiePie12]

I outted my exMM because I caught him looking for sex on Craigslist and thought she should know that she was at risk for STDs.

 

Is that truly the reason you did it?

 

She wasn't shocked at all and said I was the 19th woman he had an affair with that she knew of.

 

Crazy. Why does she stay?

[DelusionalOne]

It is called doing the right thing.

 

"Right" is generally subjective and relative to the individual. There have been an awful lot of wars in world history because someone thought it was "right".

[GreySkyMorning]

I did. After she got the phone call telling her about it, I got a voicemail saying they were her and she wanted to know what had really happened. I sat on it for two weeks. Finally, I sent her a very long Facebook message detailing the whole two years. I didn't do it for any selfless apologetic reasons. At the moment I sent it, I wanted to hurt him, nothing more.

 

Guess what? After ranting and raving and saying everything but he hated me, he's back. 640 text messages back and forth in one day last week, telling me everything under the sun including how cute my legs are. She didnt kick him out or divorce him, didnt even seem to care. He's living it up now.

[WakingUp]

Grey Sky

 

What are you going to do?

 

How do you feel about it?

 

I really would like to know how you are going to deal with this. I am so confused in my own situation.

[Damia]

My xH first affair was with his best friends wife. (My she was my close friend also!)

 

I told him to let her know that ,if she didn't tell her husband herself I would!!

 

The other couple have salvaged their marriage at great cost.

 

My xH went on to have another exit affair 12 mths later. He is still with her 2 1/2 now

 

I have since learned he has had many " dalliances " in or 18 yr marriage.

 

I am a very happy single woman

[neveragain34]

Is that truly the reason you did it?

 

Yes. It's a long story, but basically I did it anonymously without the intention to have him all to myself like many other OW imagine happening. I was disgusted at that point and wanted nothing to do with him. A couple of weeks later I contacted her as real me because she found out about the affair (which was already over at this point) and I wanted to apologize and provide my side of the story. This is when he wanted to kill me and said some really nasty things.

 

 

Crazy. Why does she stay?

They have two kids and she is very religious. She sees his narcissism and so called sex addiction as a disease he can't help. He is also extremely convincing, charming, and handsome.

[GreySkyMorning]

Grey Sky

 

What are you going to do?

 

How do you feel about it?

 

I really would like to know how you are going to deal with this. I am so confused in my own situation.

 

I dont want to t/j, but its just like you said in another post....crazymaking. Honestly, there is a part of me that hates this man completely. But its smaller than the part that still loves him.

 

I dont know what to do. I know the RIGHT thing to do. That would be to walk away and never think of him again. My story is a little different than yours. He threw me under the bus and backed over me again. Yet, here I am still hanging on and grabbing at little pieces of attention from him. Ugh, I HATE this! Why can I not just find some strength and walk away? He has it made. He's enjoying his family life at home and has me to keep him company while he's on the road, via text. I still want him and I hate myself for that. He doesn't love me. I can't believe for one minute anymore that he does. If he did, he would he have taken the chance to be with me. Almost two years of telling me he wanted me and we were going to be together, but when the opportunity was in front of him to do just that, he chose to stay where he is now.

 

What I'm going to do is live my life. I'm trying very hard not to sit here and give him anymore of my years. I was faithful to this man all that time. Not anymore. He can stay in my inbox for now. When I told him it was difficult to be his friend and didnt want to hear about all the happy family stuff that I wanted to share with him and certainly didnt want to hear about his next girlfriend after he and his wife do split up, he replied "you won't be my next girlfriend?" Hellooooo!! I actually told him that when he's divorced to come find me. But every minute since then, I've been screaming in my head "absolutely not." I did tell him he'll never hear me say I love you to him again. He took that true love and stomped all over it. I'm not about to give it to him again.

[Silly_Girl]

Do you think, perhaps, that she's heard it from someone else before?

 

 

 

Curious to know why your loyalty did not rest with him...

 

I don't think she'd heard it before. Their lives were very separate and they and I lived 2 hours apart.

 

My loyalty totally lay with him, I bust my balls supporting him emotionally and practically, but when it came down to it his treatment of her was appalling and I couldn't simply look the other way. A lot of water was under the bridge at this point and I needed to try and redeem the situation in some way.

[USMCHokie]

On a related note, I'm curious as to whether you'd "out" yourself...

 

That is, would an OM/OW proudly advertise that they are with a MM/MW? If not, why wouldn't you?

[Goodbye]

On a related note, I'm curious as to whether you'd "out" yourself...

 

That is, would an OM/OW proudly advertise that they are with a MM/MW? If not, why wouldn't you?

 

 

I have shared that with the people close to me, yes.

[Goodbye]

I dont want to t/j, but its just like you said in another post....crazymaking. Honestly, there is a part of me that hates this man completely. But its smaller than the part that still loves him.

 

I dont know what to do. I know the RIGHT thing to do. That would be to walk away and never think of him again. My story is a little different than yours. He threw me under the bus and backed over me again. Yet, here I am still hanging on and grabbing at little pieces of attention from him. Ugh, I HATE this! Why can I not just find some strength and walk away? He has it made. He's enjoying his family life at home and has me to keep him company while he's on the road, via text. I still want him and I hate myself for that. He doesn't love me. I can't believe for one minute anymore that he does. If he did, he would he have taken the chance to be with me. Almost two years of telling me he wanted me and we were going to be together, but when the opportunity was in front of him to do just that, he chose to stay where he is now.

 

What I'm going to do is live my life. I'm trying very hard not to sit here and give him anymore of my years. I was faithful to this man all that time. Not anymore. He can stay in my inbox for now. When I told him it was difficult to be his friend and didnt want to hear about all the happy family stuff that I wanted to share with him and certainly didnt want to hear about his next girlfriend after he and his wife do split up, he replied "you won't be my next girlfriend?" Hellooooo!! I actually told him that when he's divorced to come find me. But every minute since then, I've been screaming in my head "absolutely not." I did tell him he'll never hear me say I love you to him again. He took that true love and stomped all over it. I'm not about to give it to him again.

 

 

Tough situation GSM. How did he throw you under the bus? I take it his wife didn't ask him to go NC with you after the affair was discovered?

[SweetiePie12]

On a related note, I'm curious as to whether you'd "out" yourself...

 

That is, would an OM/OW proudly advertise that they are with a MM/MW? If not, why wouldn't you?

 

I love being associated with my friend, and I don't mind any speculation people may have about the nature of our friendship. If anyone wants to judge me, well, I can't take any responsibility for that.

 

My only area of caution & concern is: I don't know this lady he lives with, so I don't know what she's capable of. Some people turn violent when they make such a discovery, and I am a lover, not a fighter.

[DelusionalOne]

 

My only area of caution & concern is: I don't know this lady he lives with, so I don't know what she's capable of. Some people turn violent when they make such a discovery, and I am a lover, not a fighter.

 

This is exactly why I said what I said before. You never know how someone is going to react to what someone perceives as "the right thing to do". She/He could absolutely turn violent. Would it still be the "right thing" if out of grief and despair he/she offed themselves and their kids? Or if she /he offed the WS? Or came after the OW/OM and their family/kids. It has happened.

 

I guess it would still be "right" then and the OW/OM would bear no responsibility on what the outcome is because...you know... it was the right thing to "tell the truth" to the BS because the OW/OM has no ulterior motives. Like, you know, hopefully the BS will kick their ass to the curb and then the two of you can ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after OR it's best because it would be a major FU to the cheating AP and then they would feel the same pain that you did. And they wouldn't get away with it.

 

Very, very rarely are the reasons are as altruistic as out of the goodness and love in your heart you are doing what is best for the BS. Please.

[sweet_pea]

"Expecting a streak of conscience from someone who is screwing your husband is probably unrealistic."

 

Nice. Really.

 

Are you still with your husband? Need to ask the obvious question....

 

I think she has a point... Do you disagree with her notion?

[Goodbye]

My older sister was only 17 years old at the time she got into an affair with a 32 year old MM. Teenagers tend to be very self centered, and she wasn't thinking about the consequences her behavior had on this man's family. She is very much against affairs now that she is a mature adult. As a 17 year old, I guess I consider her more of a victim of a much older man who took advantage of her, rather than viewing her as an adult who should have known better. She still should have known better, though, but she is no longer that self centered foolish teen that she was when she entered into an affair.

 

 

Hmm, so maybe you should be surfing for info on sexual harassment/abuse instead of affairs?

[Goodbye]

I think she has a point... Do you disagree with her notion?

 

 

 

Yes, I do disagree with her notion. I think that was fairly obvious from my response.

[sweet_pea]

Yes, I do disagree with her notion. I think that was fairly obvious from my response.

 

I meant to include why, if you don't mind answering.

[findingnemo]

I also find the idea that OWs have no conscience a generalization of the highest order. Even those who say they are happy, claim to be happy after accepting the facts. Most of them find thinking about the BW very difficult precisely because they have a conscience. What do they do? They simply don't think about her. It's a form of denial. Something human beings generally do to cope with emotional conflicts.

 

Regarding telling the BS... Personally I failed to do so. For one thing my motivations would have been selfish. For another, I knew that should she decide to attack me I certainly had no defence. I was constantly in fear that she would find out and I would bear the brunt of her anger, not her WH. The resulting scandal would be mine, not hers. People I loved would find out I was not a very serious person. I can list a number of negative effects but ultimately most of them would hurt me.

 

So yes, many APs are aware of the potential threat to life and limb that being in an A brings about. Many prefer that it not be discovered because they know that they have no leg to stand on in a fight with the BS.

[Silly_Girl]

On a related note, I'm curious as to whether you'd "out" yourself...

 

That is, would an OM/OW proudly advertise that they are with a MM/MW? If not, why wouldn't you?

 

99% of people I was close to, knew.

[sweet_pea]

I should clarify that of course people have a conscience, but in regards to affairs, etc. it's a little different... Or I think so.

[Goodbye]

I meant to include why, if you don't mind answering.

 

 

Why do I disagree? Well...I believe we are ALL a combination of good and bad. I do consider myself to be a highly conscionable person. And yes, I participated in an affair.

[SweetiePie12]

If you're so afraid of what a BS MIGHT do, then why put yourself in the position to cause harm in the first place?

 

The BS is going to be way more pi$$ed and hurt about ongoing lies than she would be if someone, ANYONE, mans up and tells the truth about her situation.

 

Thus, less chance of violence, not that violence is probable to begin with.

 

Never an excuse for violence. I don't care who I love.

[SweetiePie12]

Most of them find thinking about the BW very difficult precisely because they have a conscience.

 

Some don't think of it feeling: what's it got to do with me?

 

What do they do? They simply don't think about her. It's a form of denial.

 

It's a matter of nurturing with my thoughts which seeds I wish to replenish

[SweetiePie12]

I think its rather odd to be afraid of someone turning violent if you tell them the truth when you werent afraid of what might have happened if they discovered the truth themselves while you were engaged in the affair.

 

I'm not afraid of anything in the world. And there are plenty of so called "innocent" victims of violence who were randomly selected for torture, so it really doesn't matter & there is no justification for physical harm.