For those of you who "Outed" your AP

[Goodbye]

OW in my case did not "out" me, i confessed. But i did let her know that i told me wife in our NC letter. Goodbye, can i ask if you had a D Day? i guess im curious as to why you would stand by someone, especially an EX-mm who isn't standing by you in the same light. Yes i hope you don't ever experience what it's like to be a BS or OW again cause it is not a "lol" matter.

 

 

John, I don't really know if there was a D Day or not. ExMM claims to have told his wife that "he is in love with someone else" but not necessarily that there was an affair on his part. I'm not really "standing" by him (that was merely said in the throws of stupid drama), rather I'm stepping out and continuing to work on myself.

 

 

Thanks for replying to this thread, btw. I am curious, did you tell your wife the whole truth about your affair? Why did you do it? Was it after a D Day?

[William]

For those of you who "Outed" your AP

How did you do it? Why did you do it? What was the end result if any?

 

Moderation was alerted to some cross-talk which was off-topic and cleaned up the last page or so of it and restated the thread topic here for your convenience. Thanks.

[Praying4Peace]

OW in my case did not "out" me, i confessed. But i did let her know that i told me wife in our NC letter. Goodbye, can i ask if you had a D Day? i guess im curious as to why you would stand by someone, especially an EX-mm who isn't standing by you in the same light. Yes i hope you don't ever experience what it's like to be a BS or OW again cause it is not a "lol" matter.

 

Just because someone does/would do something crappy to me, doesn't mean I'd do that to them. I don't think its right for me to take the power of coming clean to his W away from him. It's his life and apparently MM's who confess have a greater chance of R, or something like that. I'd be happier with a confession if my H cheater.

 

So even if someone doesn't stand by you, you stand by what you think is right. For me, its not about him but about me and what I said I wouldn't do.

[Goodbye]

Just because someone does/would do something crappy to me, doesn't mean I'd do that to them. I don't think its right for me to take the power of coming clean to his W away from him. It's his life and apparently MM's who confess have a greater chance of R, or something like that. I'd be happier with a confession if my H cheater.

 

So even if someone doesn't stand by you, you stand by what you think is right. For me, its not about him but about me and what I said I wouldn't do.

 

 

This is a good point. I think I could forgive an H (if all else was right in the world) if he came to me and told me what was going on because HE regretted it and wanted to come clean. I'd have a hard time trusting a man who I only knew was having an affair because he was outed or I found out via covert methods. Just my opinion.

[Goodbye]

Yes, I agree few probably come clean without d day or major paranoia. But, I would guess...doubt there are any studies on this...that the ones who DO come clean on their own are more likely to be genuine in their efforts to reconcile.

[KathyM]

Hmm, so maybe you should be surfing for info on sexual harassment/abuse instead of affairs?

Charges of abuse would not have been possible with this guy. The emotional affair and grooming process started when my sister was 17. He waited until she was 18 before starting the physical affair. My other sister and I ended it for her when she was 19 and we found evidence of the two year affair in her diary. We started to snoop and knew something was up because she suddenly had no money, even though my parents had just given her $3,000 as a belated graduation gift. Turns out he was asking her for money as well as for sex. Very naïve, unrealistic, foolish girl at the time who was taken in by a much older man's smooth talk, lies, and manipulative ways. My other sister and I called the man's wife to put a stop to it.

[KathyM]

I also find the idea that OWs have no conscience a generalization of the highest order. Even those who say they are happy, claim to be happy after accepting the facts. Most of them find thinking about the BW very difficult precisely because they have a conscience. What do they do? They simply don't think about her. It's a form of denial. Something human beings generally do to cope with emotional conflicts.

 

Regarding telling the BS... Personally I failed to do so. For one thing my motivations would have been selfish. For another, I knew that should she decide to attack me I certainly had no defence. I was constantly in fear that she would find out and I would bear the brunt of her anger, not her WH. The resulting scandal would be mine, not hers. People I loved would find out I was not a very serious person. I can list a number of negative effects but ultimately most of them would hurt me.

 

So yes, many APs are aware of the potential threat to life and limb that being in an A brings about. Many prefer that it not be discovered because they know that they have no leg to stand on in a fight with the BS.

Maybe the statement was too generalized. Maybe we can say some OW don't have a conscience and don't care how their actions affect others, but are only interested in getting what they want, regardless of who gets hurt in the process (Narcissistic type). Then there are those that have some deep-seated hurt where they suffered a major loss involving infidelity (such as had a father or past boyfriend or husband that cheated on them), and they are acting out that pain by projecting it onto someone else in the form of an affair, so they, in essence, lose the ability to empathize for awhile, until they have been able to mentally process the past hurt. This was the case with a good friend of mine. Then there are those that feel very conflicted about the affair, but manage it by repressing thoughts of the BS and the children of the MM, so that their conscience will allow them to continue in the affair. In other words, there are those that really don't care about the harm they are doing (Narcissistic who lack empathy in general), those that lost the capacity to care because of their own hurt that they suffered, and those that do care but repress it in order to deal with their guilt.

[William]

OK, so that didn't work, so I'll close this and we'll process it out later.