In love with my friend :(

[impactsmoothie]

Hey all, first of all this is my first post here after lurking and reading threads. You're all great with advice and I'm hoping you can help me figure this out!

 

I have this friend who is 3.5 years younger than me. I'm 26 and he's 22. We met when he was 19 and I was 22. As we became close friends, we kept spending so much time together. Others in our friend circle would comment to me about how us two seem like we have a lot of chemistry, that we look cute together, or that we should date, etc. I tried to ignore that for a while. But one night, I was driving him back to his dorm from a group dinner and there was something different in the air. We were laughing together and hugged. A spark that sort of hit me out of nowhere. I could feel it from his end too.

 

That's when I started developing feelings for him. After a little while, and the more we spent time together, the feelings grew. I eventually told a close mutual friend, who found out that my friend had feelings for me too. He told our mutual friend that he was so into me, but he wasn't sure his family would accept me because I'm older than him (Context: He comes from a pretty strict family headed by a single mother. His mother is pretty overprotective over him and tries to control what kind of girl he ends up with.)

 

Anyway, I was happy that he had feelings for me, too. I thought the rest could be figured out somehow. I kept quiet about my feelings until I could figure something out.

 

A few months later, he told me he started seeing another girl. I was devastated and he couldn't understand why I was upset. I finally mustered up the courage to tell him I had feelings for him and I couldn't help it. He told me he didn't have feelings for me, but he saw me as his best friend and wanted me to be happy for him. I swallowed my sadness and pretended I was happy for him.

 

However, this 'relationship' didn't last long at all though. It was a month or something. I was relieved, so to speak. But we carried on as friends, as usual. A couple months later came my birthday. He gave me such a thoughtful gift and drew me a beautiful card. He took me to dinner and paid. We had such a great time together. We ended the night with a huge hug and he was walking away smiling. To me, this was an unspoken date.

 

We started having a lot of these unspoken dates over that summer. We would hang out, he'd pay a lot of times. He would make a lot of hints to me, and I would things to him, too. We would mock eachother playfully and sometimes touch eachother playfully. He would flirt with me, and I'd flirt back. One day, when we were sitting in his car talking, we held hands and looked at eachother and smiled. I thought this was going to go somewhere.

 

However, weeks later, he told me he was interested in another girl and that they'd been talking for months. He never told me! He said it was getting quite serious with her. Again, I was really upset. He was so mad at me for being upset and once again reasserted that he was NOT interested in me in that way. We're just friends. I told him I needed space because I had feelings for him and I couldn't be a normal friend and be happy for him. I couldn't do it. So we had NC for two months.

 

Eventually, out of nowhere he kept calling me, texting me, etc telling me how much he misses me. Just when I was starting to try to move on. I told him I missed him, too. We became friends again. Eventually, however, it didn't work out with the girl he was serious about, partly because of his mother, but partly because things just didn't work out.

 

We became so close that this year, on Valentine's day, we had dinner (as friends), and he drove me back to my car. We hugged for a very long time. Then he asked me if he could kiss me. I said yes, and we kissed for the first time. It was actually my very first kiss (yes, at 25. I guess I'm a late bloomer). He told me he had feelings for me and our friends were right all along, that we were going to end up together. We were sitting there blissfully and smiling and wishing the night would never end. I was SO happy that things finally came full circle. So happy.

 

The next day he called me and told me he took it all back. He said he's not ready for a relationship, but one day, when he is...maybe I'll be the one. I was so heartbroken, but I told him if he has issues to work through, that's okay. I can wait.

 

A few days later, he called to tell me he was back with the girl he had a serious thing with. They wanted to try again. That was IT for me. I couldn't handle it. I was so upset. We had NC after that.

 

Then finally, a month and half ago, we had a meeting with an organization we both volunteer for. After not speaking sine the V-day incident, he had stayed after the meeting to help me clean and we made small talk. He also made a move on me. I stopped him and asked him if he was still with her. He said he wasn't with anyone. He wanted me. I said we really need to talk. We talked for hours about how he hurt me and how this situation has been a messed up roller coaster. He apologized and said he was because he had a fear of commitment. He said if we got together, it could get so deep. He says he can see me and him married and having a fun life together, but if things didn't work out between us it would mess up our social circles, our reputations, friendships, etc, because we're so deeply intertwined. I told him we'll never know if it will work out or not unless we try. He said he was down to try with me. We made a promise to try it out. And we kissed very romantically and touched a little more. It was pretty intense and passionate.

 

Next day (sigh, sorry this is getting so repetitive), he called me and told me what a horrible day he had (a lot of things went wrong, he got two speeding tickets, didn't get into the med school of his choice, got in trouble with his mother, etc). This time, I said look, if you are having so much stress in your life, maybe now is not the right time for us to start a relationship? He agreed and apologized. He said he really wanted to try with me and wanted to be with me. I told him I'm here and not going anywhere. I encouraged him to focus on himself and fixing all the situations he was in and told him I'm here if he needs me.

 

The next day, we had another talk about things and he said the best version he liked of me is his best friend version and that he loves me as friend. He says he doesn't see a future between us because everytime there are feelings involved when it comes to us, there is always drama. I told him that the drama is because we always are almost there, but never quite. But I said I respected his wishes and I value him as a friend, too, so I want to try to make it work between us as friends. I was doing well in trying to be happy with just being friends...until last night.

 

Last night, he told me he misses the other girl again and still likes her. He said he had to be honest with me and let me know that he wanted to try to pursue the other girl once again. I told him I appreciate he told me. But after I got off the phone with him, I cried myself to sleep. I still have feelings for him. I think it's because he's my first love.

 

I don't know what to do. Should I just stay quiet, such it up, and be a friend? Should I tell him goodbye forever?

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

[LoverOfDance]

I feel so sad for you because I've been through something very similar. this guy has rejected u so many times and you need to stop letting him do that to u. You need to know that u deserve to be happy. Don't wait 4 him. Don't ever wait for any man to decide whether they want u or not. You're gonna end up so hurt u won't believe it.

 

U're available so he's gonna do whatever he wants and still come back cause he knows u'll always be there. If he really truly cared about u, he wldn't be hurting u like this. He's selfish and only cares about his own happiness. Please move on from this jerk. He's indecisive and u deserve better.

[Jamie2014]

From what you have written, he is using you. He just like the attentions you gave him and knowing that you like him. It is difficult to back away when you are in love with someone, but just stay NC, or hangout with a group of friends. Don't let him fool with you anymore. Time will fade away all the memories and pain, really.

[ShannAT]

I'm sorry you're having all this confusing trouble. I agree with Jamie, he's using you. He's your friend, but he seems to run to you when the girls he's serious about aren't in the picture. Just going based on the story you told, he knows you want him, he knows you're always making yourself available for him, therefore he uses it to his advantage. And how he says stuff about the future with you, I wouldn't take that too seriously.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't care, but he's being selfish and really not taking your feelings into consideration. You don't deserve to be someone's second choice, or to have your feelings taken advantage of.

 

Make yourself more unavailable to him, and stop hanging out with him one-on-one. I know your feelings for him are strong and he was your first kiss, but there's someone else out there that is going to put you first. You just have to believe you deserve better, and not having some guy take advantage of you and use you when it's convenient for him.

 

It's ultimately up to you, you can do a no contact thing and get over him, or you can limit yourself to only hanging out in a group setting. Doing these one-on-one friend "dates" might just make it worse.

Edited May 26, 2013 by ShannAT