Amoralor Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 New account here, just looking for advice. I've been with my fiance for 5 years, engaged for 5 months. He's my soul mate, the only man i want to be with for the rest of my life. He completes me, and makes me the happiest girl ever. However, he's an introvert, and i'm an extrovert. I'm a natural flirt, and sarcastic flirt. I like flirting. But that's all any of it would ever be. Just flirting. I would NEVER cheat on my fiance, and i wouldn't ever put any action behind my flirting. Its truly HARMLESS flirting. Friendly flirting. Not flirting to get into pants, or a relationship. I like knowing that i'm wanted by someone other than the father of my son, and fiance (Same guy). Its a rewarding feeling. I know its natural. But i can't help but feel guilty that i'm accidentally flirting with a guy at work:confused:. My brain doesn't process what i'm saying until i've already started saying it. I'm not sure what exactly i'm looking for advice wise, but reassurance that i'm not the only one, and that it IS normal and natural. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 Why is the romantic and flirtatious attention from your fiance not enough for you? Why is it so important for you to have attention from other men? Oftentimes, it's the result of not getting enough validation from your parents as a child, so you have a greater need/desire for external validation from others as an adult to make up for what you were lacking as a child. Trying to seek out romantic/sexual attention from others in the form of flirting is going to damage your relationship with your fiancé, and it also gives mixed messages to the men you are flirting with. Out of respect for your fiancé, you need to stop this. Or you may want to reconsider getting married if you have such a need for attention from other men. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 I would add to the advice already given, that you aren't doing yourself any favors in terms of how you're perceived by others. While it might seem like harmless fun to you, people may come to see you as someone who a) can't be trusted b) insecure, needing validation c) susceptible to flattery and manipulation d) flakey e) disingenuous. I think you need to dig deep and figure out how to connect with your inherent value and hopefully extinguish the need to be seen as a sex object. There's more than entertainment going on here. I feel for the fiancé. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 25, 2013 Share Posted May 25, 2013 New account here, just looking for advice. I've been with my fiance for 5 years, engaged for 5 months. He's my soul mate, the only man i want to be with for the rest of my life. He completes me, and makes me the happiest girl ever. However, he's an introvert, and i'm an extrovert. I'm a natural flirt, and sarcastic flirt. I like flirting. But that's all any of it would ever be. Just flirting. I would NEVER cheat on my fiance, and i wouldn't ever put any action behind my flirting. Its truly HARMLESS flirting. Friendly flirting. Not flirting to get into pants, or a relationship. I like knowing that i'm wanted by someone other than the father of my son, and fiance (Same guy). Its a rewarding feeling. I know its natural. But i can't help but feel guilty that i'm accidentally flirting with a guy at work:confused:. My brain doesn't process what i'm saying until i've already started saying it. I'm not sure what exactly i'm looking for advice wise, but reassurance that i'm not the only one, and that it IS normal and natural. The heck are you saying to this guy at work? Also, you know that it's no accident. As adults, we are definitely in control of the things we say. It might be hard sometimes to bite our tongues, but it IS possible. It's also advisable when you're in a committed relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amoralor Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 The heck are you saying to this guy at work? I'm not saying anything that is sexual, or leading him on. Friday he said that "its been a good day, i've not done hardly any work!" (something along those lines) and i jokingly say "Because you've been in here talking to me most of the day" I guess i should clear the kind of flirting i'm doing. I dont do sexual flirting, and i dont hint at anything near a relationship. I've told him about noticing he's not wearing ties much anymore. I've said that i've been through his facebook pictures (4000+) and noticed things in them. (He travels alot, and i love to travel, and i like looking at foreign land, and structures.) I've not said anything about him being cute, or funny, or anything of the sort (I dont think of those things while we talk) I Have asked him to walk me to my car, not expecting anything to happen, not wanting anything to happen, but to just talk to him for more than 2 minutes like usual. He's not my type, and i don't see him as anything more than someone who works in my building. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amoralor Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 Its not that his attention isn't enough... but maybe its to extreme. He's got a really high sex drive, and i dont. Its been an ongoing problem off and on for 3 years now, and i'm starting to get ahold of mine, but he's got no self control when he's with me. He's always sexual with me, never not. I've told him, and he's said that he can't control himself, but maybe thats why i like the flirting with this guy, nothing sexual at all! Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 You need to figure out why you need so much external validation and attention. You have poor boundaries. Flirting with other guys is disrespectful to your partner. It doesn't matter that you wouldn't cheat. Men want their women to be loyal to them. Getting flirty with other men can seriously damage the trust in your relationship. Once trust is gone, it is very difficult to get back. Your need for attention trumps your respect for your fiancé. Having boundaries protects your relationship. Poor boundaries gives the impression that you feel that your relationship is not worthy of protection. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 You're seeking validation outside your primary relationship. That's intentionally mean and hurtful to a man you intend to marry. I suggest not marrying him. He deserves better. The ones who say they won't cheat are always the first ones who do. Believe me - my experience proves that. Things heat up - you'd cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 Its not that his attention isn't enough... but maybe its to extreme. He's got a really high sex drive, and i dont. Its been an ongoing problem off and on for 3 years now, and i'm starting to get ahold of mine, but he's got no self control when he's with me. He's always sexual with me, never not. I've told him, and he's said that he can't control himself, but maybe thats why i like the flirting with this guy, nothing sexual at all! You're mismatched. Never good long term. Link to post Share on other sites
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