Copying with jealousy

[PoppyW]

Hi I am new to forum. I have been married 2 years and now my marriage is falling apart. I am very jealous person and this ruined my relationship. My husband became very distant. He has a female friend and it was very hard for me to accept this friendship. Now I am trying to save my marriage and work on my jealousy. Tomorrow we have a picnic and the female friend is going to be there. I have a difficult time seeing them together so I thought maybe I shouldn't attend and I should just let him have fun. I don't know what is better. Going there or not.

[freestyle]

Hi I am new to forum. I have been married 2 years and now my marriage is falling apart. I am very jealous person and this ruined my relationship. My husband became very distant. He has a female friend and it was very hard for me to accept this friendship. Now I am trying to save my marriage and work on my jealousy. Tomorrow we have a picnic and the female friend is going to be there. I have a difficult time seeing them together so I thought maybe I shouldn't attend and I should just let him have fun. I don't know what is better. Going there or not.

 

What is the dynamic like between his female friend and you?

 

Was she a long-standing friend of his, or someone new that he met?

 

Is she equally friendly to you, or do you find yourself feeling like the "odd-man-out", or the third wheel, when they interact?

 

 

If she's new in his life--AND your husband is being distant towards you---that's highly inappropriate on your H's part.

 

Even if she was an old childhood friend, you should never be made to feel like you're interloping on THEIR interactions.

 

YOU are his wife.

YOU come first.

Not the other way around.

 

Sometimes--there's a very legitimate reason for jealousy.

And not all jealousy is bad, or unhealthy---

 

There's irrational jealousy, and then there's rational jealousy.

Jealousy is simply fear of losing what's dear to you.

 

If my significant other DIDN'T get jealous, if I flirted with another man--

That would show me that he's not afraid of losing me.

(not that I would ever disrespect him like that)

 

If he gets jealous because I say hello to another man, then that's being over-the-top, irrationally jealous.

 

See the difference?

 

 

PoppyW-- a little more back story might be helpful , so as to give you better advice.

[whichwayisup]

Hi I am new to forum. I have been married 2 years and now my marriage is falling apart. I am very jealous person and this ruined my relationship. My husband became very distant. He has a female friend and it was very hard for me to accept this friendship. Now I am trying to save my marriage and work on my jealousy. Tomorrow we have a picnic and the female friend is going to be there. I have a difficult time seeing them together so I thought maybe I shouldn't attend and I should just let him have fun. I don't know what is better. Going there or not.

 

Get to know her this way you won't feel so intimidated by her.

 

How often does your H see and speak to her? Do they get together a lot without you? If so, that's not cool. He should be focused more on you than her.

 

What is it that you're jealous about? And, how much of this is about her - Is it stuff from your past that is triggering you? Are you jealous of other things as well not relating to your husband or past relationships?

 

DO go! Don't ever hand him over and act passive, run from this. If she has any brains her head she'll see that it bothers you and hopefully she will make an effort to include you, and so should your husband!!

 

Can you write down why she makes you feel jealous?

[PoppyW]

Thank you for your replies.

It is hard to say everything but the problem is I don't trust my husband and my own insecurities really flared up in this relationship. He got cold feet before we got married. I moved from Europe before we got married and he was the one who was trying to convince me to do so and when I finally decided to give it a go and quit job and my rented apartment my husband (then fiance) fell for another woman and tried to discourage me from coming over. In the end we decided to give our relationship a go. He fell in love with me again and we got married. We were happy for a while but he has a history for falling for other woman. All his previous relationships ended because he started begin interested in other women and neglect his then girlfriends. This is the reason I am so insecure and over sensitive. And on top of that I was physically and mentally (not sexually though) abused by my father and even though I am 40 now I can't seem to shake it off and have a good relationship with my partners. Before meeting my husband I was in therapy for 2 years. It helped me a lot but now it seems I came back to the same place. I am very insecure and when things get rough and rocky I loose all my confidence and I know I start criticizing my partner and I become needy and not fun. Similar thing happened in my previous relationship and my partner broke up with me because he stop loving me because I was so insecure. I am in therapy now but I need more. If anyone knows any groups for people that had abusive childhoods in NYC I would really appreciate the information. I want to break the spell, change my life and my behavior pattern. I have read self help books and I've been trying to work on myself since I was 18 but it always seems to be coming back to the same. I have always tried to be positive but since september last year I have been so depressed like never before in my life and it is really hard for me to move forward. I don't really blame my husband because I know I probably chose him so I can work on my relationship issues and finally change them. I hope I can.

[whichwayisup]

How close is he with this woman? Does he see her often without you? Do they talk and text a lot?

 

I feel for you, your pain and insecurities run deep. And your husband has given you reasons NOT to trust him as his behaviour is shady and he has crossed lines and boundries with other women, so no wonder you feel jealous.

 

Bottom line is, if he is going to cheat, he's going to cheat whether you trust him or not. If he does cheat on you again, then divorce him because he is not husband material and not the right man for you.

 

Fantastic that you're in counseling and I am sorry for all that you've been through at home when younger. You're very strong and brave to want to change and better yourself! It takes courage to face that type of pain and hurt, so DO google group therapy in NYC. Or, you could start your own group!

[PoppyW]

Yes thats true. He dosen't want to grow up. He told me that this is the way he is. This is my first marriage and I don't want to let go of it so easily but yes that might the only way. I feel very vulnerable at the moment because since moving to USA (three years ago) I haven't worked and I am in the middle of changing my career. But because I have been so depressed since last fall it's been very hard to focus on studying. I am trying to shake it off and I have a moral support from my mom and brother. I am also glad I found this forum. Everything helps.

 

Also to answer other question yes he has been in contact with this woman constantly. He emails and text her every day and thats the reason it is so hard for me. I know this is called emotional cheating. She is interested in him only as a friend. She told me so once because he told her I was concerned. I believe her but it doesn't make it easy when I see he is all about her all the time.

 

I am very tired and drained. But I want to find strength and live a happy life. I would like to have a husband and a family.

[Minnie09]

Coping with jealousy is not your problem. He is. I know this question is moot, but why did you marry him if he turned cold on you before you got married? Another woman was involved who captured his attention, making you the default choice who he couldn't/wouldn't respect or make a priority. And you still got married, without her being out of the picture? Why?*

 

Well, it is what it is now.....you definitely gave up too much for this guy. He wasn't worth any of this. And he KNOWS who you are....someone who can be disrespected and who will still stick with him, no ****ing matter what.*

 

The ONLY thing that MIGHT have helped would have been you refusing to get married. Then you would've had the opportunity to closely watch if and how he would fight for you and make it all better. Defining his priorities and who he's loyal to. That chance is now gone. He knows he can play you, especially because you're someone who's had relationship problems before as well as low self-esteem. He won't look at you as someone who'll be able to stand her ground, so he'll be forever disrespecting you and ignoring your feelings. He has little consideration for you, and he knows very well what he's doing and why, and that he'll probably get away with it, because he's M to someone who will accept it all. A little argument here and there won't bother him. His pleasures are more valuable to him than your feelings. He has no problem walking all over you. However, if he can't walk all over you anymore because you threaten to leave him, he'll make a choice. He will have to. And only then. BUT guys like that - trust me, btdt - will let you go without even thinking twice, and if they don't, it's because the OW doesn't give two hoots about them. Then YOU can have him, by default, until she contacts him again or he becomes attracted to somebody else. I feel for you. There's not a trace of a possible positive POV I can have when looking at your sitch.

 

But on the upside.....what a chance! You'll be a stronger person after you stand your ground and know you can be on your own without him.