problem with low self esteem

[McDonald]

Hey all,

Ive been a poster in the Break up section of the forums, but i decided to make a post here, because I have come to realize that the problems i have been having, the difficulty of fully letting go of my ex, is related to something other than the RS itself.

 

I have always had not that great of a self esteem. I wanted to change that when I went to college.. and i thought I did.

 

But not really.

 

I dated this girl all of last year *my first year in college. I am 19. My first GF. I felt ontop of the world. She told me she liked me the first week of school. Shew as the first girl to ever say that to me. It gave me a huge boost of confidence. it made me want to rush a social fraternity on campus, venture out past my comfort zone, meet so many people.

 

Lets jump now 15 months later from the day she told me she liked me... 8 months into the relationship, she ends it... says because of this and that blah blah blah.. its not me its her etc...

 

Then she dates a new guy.

 

Thats enough about that--- because Now I could kinda careless about it.

 

however... what I realized is that I didnt really improve my self esteem... It was just masked from the breakup.. because after the breakup, I fell back down off my high horse.

 

Talking to girls has always been a struggle of mine,, until this girl said she liked me... then it was like 'boom'. the wall has been knocked down. I was able to talk to anyone, anywhere, face rejection, and could not careless etc.

 

But now... no way... its a struggle... I just cant figure it out.

 

I am not happy being alone. Weekend nights i get extremely upset when i stay in.

IDK whats wrong with me... well I guess I do. Its the low self esteem. But I really try to get it up. When i do go out, I do talk to many girls,, I just have a problem "closing" I guess? Maybe Im taking it to hard on myself. Maybe there isnt anything wrong and Im just rushing a healing process.

 

 

Its just, last year, this time, I felt amazing. College was exactly what I wanted it to be. Now, could it get any worse?

 

so far this year so much has left my life... It started with the breakup with my ex... then my fraternity gets kicked off school campus... then my best friend back home goes too the Marines, now my roomate who Im also supposed to live with next year and ahs been supporting me through this leaves too and I dont think he will be returning to this school. hes a city college student so they finish earlier.

 

 

It just seems ike everyone who means something to me has literally, left. Gone... what else am I supposed to do?

I do have hobbys, I do work out everyday... ITs a mental thing at this point. I have been seeing a therapist, but only about the breakup. This self esteem issue is a new revelation to me.

 

well IDK if this post made any sense. More of a rant....

 

thanks for listening guys

[FitChick]

You are letting outside events determine your view of yourself. It's understandable and most people your age in that situation would probably come to the same conclusion.

 

Before you had a girlfriend, you were awkward around women. Then you got relationship experience and now have a more realistic idea of what it means to have a girlfriend and to be a good boyfriend. So you are ahead of where you were before, right? Since you are not going to be dating your ex again, there is no reason for a relationship with a new girl to be exactly the same since she is not your ex. The odds are better that you will make a smarter choice of who to date based on your past experience. And that is the purpose of experience -- to learn!

 

I think the reason people seem to be leaving you, intentionally or accidentally, is because you have outgrown them. You have nothing more to learn from them so should be open to new lessons with new people. It's a very exciting time! Embrace change!

[fiftyofsomethin]

Yes. Exactly what FitChick said.

 

I, too, have been doing a bit of soul-searching lately after my breakup.

 

I never fretted at all about what others were doing, what my plans were, who I was texting, who I was talking to, etc. during my relationship... then once we broke up I was back in the crapper.

 

I was constantly looking for people to hang out with, people to text, people to just do things with... because I used to have someone to do all these things with and now I don't. It sucks. I simply could not be happy without her or without being around or talking to people. It's literally like my happiness relied on other people. That is not healthy.

 

So basically I have since been working on ways to actually be happy without them. I have been working out much more, I have been just reading a lot (lonely as hell, am I right?) And I suppose I HAVE been hanging with people more, but that shouldn't matter.

 

It's still a struggle I face, but I know that if you and I can find a great way to find happiness without others, we will be fine! I know it.

[McDonald]

You are letting outside events determine your view of yourself. It's understandable and most people your age in that situation would probably come to the same conclusion.

 

Before you had a girlfriend, you were awkward around women. Then you got relationship experience and now have a more realistic idea of what it means to have a girlfriend and to be a good boyfriend. So you are ahead of where you were before, right? Since you are not going to be dating your ex again, there is no reason for a relationship with a new girl to be exactly the same since she is not your ex. The odds are better that you will make a smarter choice of who to date based on your past experience. And that is the purpose of experience -- to learn!

 

I think the reason people seem to be leaving you, intentionally or accidentally, is because you have outgrown them. You have nothing more to learn from them so should be open to new lessons with new people. It's a very exciting time! Embrace change!

 

I have learned a lot from my previous relationship, yes. I just, I guess, Set up some barriers so I would not get hurt again. Its hard to believe how someone you grew so close to, can become so distant. So Its hard for me to really open up to other girls now. Sure, I can still talk to them. Im no longer awakard... yet... Im not really grabbing oppritunities by the horns and I am doing a lot of comparing. Such as, well she isnt as pretty as my ex or stuff like that. Which I must stop.

 

I have learned a lot since all this. I believe I have matured greatly as well. However, socially, I feel like i went backwards... No where near where i was during the RS or when I knew she liked me.

[fiftyofsomethin]

I have learned a lot from my previous relationship, yes. I just, I guess, Set up some barriers so I would not get hurt again. Its hard to believe how someone you grew so close to, can become so distant. So Its hard for me to really open up to other girls now. Sure, I can still talk to them. Im no longer awakard... yet... Im not really grabbing oppritunities by the horns and I am doing a lot of comparing. Such as, well she isnt as pretty as my ex or stuff like that. Which I must stop.

 

I have learned a lot since all this. I believe I have matured greatly as well. However, socially, I feel like i went backwards... No where near where i was during the RS or when I knew she liked me.

 

Well, as ambiguous or unhelpful as this may sound, one of the best things I did after my breakup was to start thinking about my life as completely separate from my ex's. Before I would think about her constantly and worry about how she would think of me if I did this or that or what she is doing right now, who she is talking to, etc.

 

Now I just think of our lives as completely separate. I focus on my own life now and how awesome my future will be without her, and I just think about her as some other girl. Some other acquaintance.

[McDonald]

I have been trying to seperate our lives. Actually, our lives were not that intertwined to be honest. I really moved Kyle into her life-- but she, not into mine. So... We don't have many mutual friends, and most of my social circle does not involve her so I guess I'm lucky that way.

 

I have been doing things that I haven't done since I was single, such as work out, playing intramural sports. I'm doing all that again. I just thought it would make just as happy as I was before the RS. thst however, doesn't seem to be the case.

 

Now--- last night my house threw a LARGE party. I'm speaking of about 150 guests or so. I live in a fraternity house so it gets pretty crazy.

 

Here is we're my "self esteem issues" come into play. Some nights, I can talk to girls easily--- yet other nights, like last night, I don't talk to anyone. Sure I talked to friends, but not to new girls.

 

And this is what puzzles me. I DO want to meet new girls, meet new people. Yet, I don't give myself the chance. It's strange. Before the relationship-- but after this girl (my ex) told me she liked me, I was able to talk to everyone and anyone. I was able to hook up for a lack of better words with diffent girls every week! Then my ex came along, I was faithful, but now after the RS, I can't get myself back out there?

 

Maybe I'm just putting way to much pressure on myself. Maybe that why I feel like I fail when I don't get with a girl for a night. Am I looking for a rebound? A new RS? Do I feel like a hook up will take the ex out of my mind? I don't really know. Life can be confusing at times.

This time last year, I felt ontop of the world. College was exactly what I wanted it to be. Tons of friends, both girls and boys, a great gf, involved in Greek life. It was amazing.

 

Now, it feels like it is COMPELTELY fallen apart.

[Shepp]

I have always had not that great of a self esteem. I wanted to change that when I went to college.. and i thought I did.

 

But not really.

 

self esteem has little to do with you dating status!

The easiest way to change your self esteem is to give yourself a reason to be proud of yourself - accomplish things that no one can ever take away from you.

 

Like i'd love to climb mt.kili but that's a tad out of my price range atm but I've run a marathon, I've mtb through the alps from france to Italy, I've got promoted in my job - none of this stuff relies on girls, confidence or looks, anyone can do it.

 

Anyone can run a marathon - all you need is some good running shoes and you can for the rest of your life looking the mirror and say hey I ran a marathon....though I wouldn't advise doing that out loud

 

Doing stuff like that also boosts your confidence because your never going to be left worth nothing to say, you've always got interesting, impressive stuff to talk about.

[McDonald]

self esteem has little to do with you dating status!

The easiest way to change your self esteem is to give yourself a reason to be proud of yourself - accomplish things that no one can ever take away from you.

 

Like i'd love to climb mt.kili but that's a tad out of my price range atm but I've run a marathon, I've mtb through the alps from france to Italy, I've got promoted in my job - none of this stuff relies on girls, confidence or looks, anyone can do it.

 

Anyone can run a marathon - all you need is some good running shoes and you can for the rest of your life looking the mirror and say hey I ran a marathon....though I wouldn't advise doing that out loud

 

Doing stuff like that also boosts your confidence because your never going to be left worth nothing to say, you've always got interesting, impressive stuff to talk about.

 

You make a good point. I think what i am doing is relying on other for my happiness..which, I have known for awhile.. I tend to do that. For instance, I relied on my ex girlfriend I guess for my happiness...

 

I guess that the reason why I get upset when I dont go out, or dont interact with others at parties... is that i am trying to repalce my ex with someone else.. another girl.. in the hopes taht it will bring my happiness back. But that all all goes towards me relying on someone else for happines for happinesss. So I do need to start creating my own happiness... things that I can say I did them myself.