First experience?

[Meta]

This guy had a long term relationship before me which of course did involve sex, but he told me that he felt like he lost his virginity to ME. What does it mean? How does a guy feel when he loses his virginity?

 

Any feedback on this matter?

[Draconis]

This guy had a long term relationship

before me which of course did involve sex, but he told me that he felt like he lost his virginity to ME. What does it mean? How does a guy feel when he loses his virginity?

 

Any feedback on this matter?

As usual, I'll start my reminding the reader that I'm a college-age male, so if that matters in taking my perspective into account, feel free to integrate it.

 

Hmmm. Well, first let me give you my take on your "Second Virginity" guy, and then I'll try my hand at explaining the idea of second virginity.

 

My basic take on this guy is that he's lying. At some point, his sex-addled brain decided it wanted to tell you he wasn't a virgin. In fact, he decide to talk to you about previous sex he'd had. Okay. So now he's told you, and he's had sex with you. He wants to describe the experience as amazingly as possible--whether because he really thought it was amazing or because he wanted you to feel good I don't know. So he looks for a superlative, and the biggest thing, the BIG thing is the loss of virginity. That very first time. So, basically, he'd have liked to be able to say it WAS the first time, but he couldn't. So he said it was LIKE the first time. As good as it gets.

 

Now, as for my explanation for why the Virginal Sex is so amazing. Mostly, it's (1) novelty and (2) anticipation. Obviously, the first time you try the most basic form of pleasure, you're going to be blown away. Nothin you've ever done before will compare; the sensory pleasures are transcedent; the ecstasy of orgasm in actual sex is...special. It's a pleasure not frequently attained, if ever, elsewhere in life. So comparing the entire previous part of your life to the sex act,the sex act is truly, astoundingly amazing. Once you've had sex, you can compare the act to your previous ƒucks, and therefore the sheer amazingness of each individual act is cheapened. In short, the more times you've had sex, the less novel and special it becomes. The other reason, anticipation, is because we all expect to have sex sometime, and it's a matter of some trepidation and worry, as well as eager waiting. We both fret about our performance and really want to try it, to find out about this most special and pleasureable of acts. So when you finally do it for the first time, you release the massive catharsis (look it up!) that you've built up around the sex act. Now /you/ are a member of the sexual elite, you have crossed that crucial line between the haves and have-nots. You are accepted. It's a big self-worth thing.

 

So that's (in short, obviously the whole truth is MUCH more complicated, feel free to email me if you want to hear me blabbering on for even LONGER about this) why the Virginal Sex is so great. Of course, the astute reader of the above can tell that the wonder of teh Virginal Sex is entirely dependant on it being the first time, so to say that another sex act was LIKE the Virginal Sex is ridiculous. Therefore my conclusion above that the guy was just searching for a very powerful way of saying he liked the sex.

 

Hope I've helped out, given the perspective of a guy who's been there.

 

(Draconis)

 

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[Meta]

OK, I get your point. But the problem I'm facing is that this guy and I broke up because he's a bit confused right now. He recently got out of a long term relationship and we started dating a bit too soon I guess. He basically said that he can't be with me because he has to find out who HE is. I think he's still not over his prior relationship and he felt guilty having emotions for me. When he told me his feelings after the break up about the whole sex thing (we only had one experience)I was shocked because it seemed like he had this idea that it was premeditated and it seemed like he was putting the blame on me or something (his ex told him that it must have been premeditated and I think he believed her). First, I felt that he probably was turned off by me sleeping with him too soon or something, but that didn't seem to be the deal. It seemed more like he blamed me of corrupting his "pureness" or something--even though I might be over analyzing his words. He described his experience with his ex as "two naked kids playing innocently" whereas he no longer feels "naive" after being with me. I guess this means that he finally feels like an adult or something, but he's already 20! Is this guy turned off by me? or does this mean that I was a big deal to him? I still like this guy a lot and the separation is really hurting me. I just want to understand where he's coming from.

[Draconis]

I've made a little textstamp to add to add my messages with my relavent information, here it is:

 

For those who care about such things, I am a college-age male who is not a psychologist and has no real right to be giving diagnoses.

 

Well, I responded once, so I'll respond again. And I'll try to be MUCH, MUCH briefer this time.

 

I think your Second Virgin guy is going through both a fear of commitment (classic) and a sort of culmination. He never really graduated from the "just messing around for fun" sort of relationship to a more meaningful one, hence his description of his last relationship ("two naked kids playing innocently"). In a way, you DID take his pureness, by introducing him to a more mature and devloped sort of relationship. As he grew to understand that the relationship he was in with you was more meaningful and a new experience from what he had, he began to fewar it, to fear becoming to enmeshed in a new and (apparently, to him) scary thing. Enter then the fear of commitment; not fear of commitment to YOU, but fear of commitment to a more mature method of relating to others. He DOES need time; he needs time to work out his own interpersonal issues and reach a stage where he can have a relationship with an adult comprising mutual respect and understanding. He may be 20, but he'd just now growing up.

 

Hope that helps,

 

(Draconis)

 

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