confused

[smile]

Wow so this is the first time I have posted here. I have read a few posts tho, its nice to see I am not alone in my ex - confusion. The thing is my exbf broke up with me almost three months ago. He was out of town and one day went from "I love you and miss you so much cant wait to be home" to "I never want to see you again" in 24 hrs. So I was kinda confused.

 

He came home and we talked. Made out the first day he was back. Then we started flirting and calling everyday. Online we started chatting and it became more and more flirtatious. He would come over and spend the night ... on thing led to an other and we were sleeping together again.

 

When I would ask him how he felt he said he still loved me and he always would. He said he didnt want to be with anyone right now he just wanted to be alone. Told me there was nothing wrong with me and I was amazing but I should go out and meet someone else. I was so niave i thought he was fishing you know, tryong to get me to say no i want you. I was wrong.

 

When I asked if we were back together he got angry. Said he told me before he didnt want me. He was with me out of habit. A week later he found someone new.

 

I initiated this NC thing and he fell apart. He kept making sure I knew he wasnt over me. He always tells me this isnt easy for him . After NC for three weeks he came over to give me my stuff. It wasn't akward and that bothers me. We talked for 2 hrs in the apt, with my roomate regulating of course, then an hour in the parking lot.

 

He said he missed me and that we were it. We would never be able to find that relationship again. For the rest of our lives we would be settling. He said he wants me to be his friend and that he is so sorry for what he did. The thing is we used to fight.. but we have issues that had nothing to do with "US" and before he came home I was looking into therapy for us both. He says maybe that couldv'e helped. But we dont know.

 

I have no idea if he still has a gf. He IMs me everyday and stays on for hours with me. He says we have so much in common and he cant believe how much he misses me. I was all content to let whatever happens happen and yesterday he got on and said he was staying home on a friday night. Asked if i would be on later. I said yes.. i even invited him to go with friends to a movie and he said no i am being a homebody.

 

Then we chatted when I was done with my friday night. He waited online for me for three hours. The last part of our conversation involved the Iming of suggestive pictures and lots of sexual innuendo. He said he would be home again tomorrow night (sat night) . So I am wondering... what does this mean?

 

Does he want to get back or just have sex? Its like everything else was falling into a place i was comfortable with and now he is bringing in sex and that confuses me. He is also trying to get me to pin a date for going to Disneyland .. he keeps hinting that we could be there at the same time. What do I do? I dont want to push him away but I also wont settle for being a friend with benefits... and he wasnt like that before. I am so confused HELP!

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Forgot to mention we were together for three years when this happened. sorry

[Merin]

I'm so sorry you're going through this...

 

3 years is awhile to have invested in a person... but when someone tells you to move on and find someone else... please hear and understand what they are saying.

 

He doesn't want to be in a exclusive relationship with you any longer, and I don't think he can make that more clear. He's fine with continuing a sexual relationship with you, but he wants to be free to see other people and have no responsibility or accountability to you for what he does, or whom he does it with.

 

It's a wierd thing how sometimes when people tell you to go away, and then you actually do so, they panick.

 

Right now he says he misses you... and he knows he will be settling in another relationship... IMHO IF he really meant that, then he would be with you.

 

You're allowing him to make all the decisions for what is "okay" for both of you...

 

Find your voice, and tell him that while you care a lot about him, you're NOT okay with being his close good friend that he has sex with knowing he is still looking for something better to come his way.

[misha&makulu]

I'm really sorry for what you've been through

 

"When I asked if we were back together he got angry. Said he told me before he didnt want me. He was with me out of habit. A week later he found someone new."

 

A person who wholeheartedly loves you will never do anything intentionally to hurt you. It sounds like your ex just wants a friend (or just someone?) with benefits, which you said you won't settle for. There are tons of good men out there would love to cherish you the way you deserve. Why put up with this person who told you bluntly that he didn't want you?

 

Wish you the best!