Hurt and Furious

[Infonista]

My boyfriend of 3+ years is away for the weekend with his classmates from grad school. Originally there 3 guys and five girls going on the trip. One of the guys and one of the girls are a couple. My boyfriend was supposed to be rooming with the other guy. The other guy does not have an American passport and did not secure his travel Visa in time. My boyfriend and one of the girls caught the first flight out and the others came in on later flights because they could not get out work commitments as easily. We texted briefly he told he was ok and that we would text me when he got back to the hotel where there is Wi-Fi. In the interim I text him ask who would he be rooming with now that his original roommate did not make it. He responded 3 hours later while out that he was staying alone and that he would text me when he got back to his hotel and in the AM when he woke up. He text me at 3am saying he had just got back but I was asleep and didn't wake up until 10 or so. I text him and he didnt respond so I called his room and he both groggy from sleep and drunk still from the night before. He kind of rushed me off the phone and said he would call me later. He text me two minutes later as I was writing him a text saying ok I'm just going to ask you this one last time who are you rooming with? as I was typing I got a long text from him telling me that he was not rooming alone but one of the girls the same girl he took the early flight with was rooming with him in a room with double beds. That she didn't want t stay in crowded girls room and that she would be splitting the cost of the room with him.

 

I am furious because he lied when I asked him when they had already decided some time prior and he didn't even check in with me. Then the weirdness on the phone and the long text full of excuse and explanations. I told him that this was not ok and not ok with and that she needs to go back to the girls room.

 

All he could muster was that it was not a plan or intentional and that he was sorry I was upset. What did I want him to do? To get another room?

 

It's not the first time with him lying and omissions regarding other women exes and female friends. and I told him as much.

 

I also told him that I don't/can't trust him and that I shouldn't.

 

To which he became very offended and said that I don't have any reasons not to trust him.

 

I asked him why didn't he just tell me truth the night before when I first asked.

 

That he doesn't fully realize the cumulative effect of all these "little" incidents over the years how damaging they are to our relationship and how much they hurt me.

 

No response from, no texts no call backs.

 

Is cost/convinience or someone else's comfort more important than my feelings and the stability of our relationship?

 

We are supposed to get engaged and move in together next month.

 

I am so hurt and furious and have been feeling sick all day.

 

Any thoughts? Advice? I am very upset.

[Tinie]

Your boyfriend's actions are showing that he cannot be trusted, and he doesn't care how you feel- he'll do what he wants. That's not the attitude of a good future husband. I'd dump him and be glad I did not get married and have children with him, because divorce would be expensive, painful and difficult.

[Leigh 87]

He should not be rooming with another women.

 

He should stay in a cheaper hotel or even a hostel and have a private room or a room with a MAN.

 

There is a chance he has not cheated and will not cheat, however; he has poor boundaries even if he is NOT actually cheating on you.

 

.................

 

I have been there. My ex of 2 years at the time, went away a few times. And partied without me.

 

He would normally always call when he was drunk after a night out, saying he missed me. He is not the type who can lie and just talk normally about it, I knew he had not cheated.

 

However, on a cruise one time I could not contact him due to reception, so I though the worst.

 

I know what it is like to be left hanging, unsure if your guy has cheated or not.

 

...............

 

First of all: has he ever given you a bad gut feeling before?

 

Does he treat you well and make you feel adored, loved, and like he is too invested in YOU to have room for another women?

 

Does he have a high sex drive?

 

Is he of a questionable character?

 

What REASONS do you have to suspect him?

 

.................

 

You can never be sure, however; he should be reassuring you and comforting you right now.

 

Even though he thinks you should trust him, if he really loves and cares for you and has NO intention of cheating, he SHOULD call and text you and make you feel loved and secure with him.

 

I got comfort from my ex that way: when he was away he would text " I love you sweety, goodnight, I went out but could only think of u"

 

He would make me feel secure.

 

In the ended I trusted him completely.

 

..............................

 

So far he has:

 

- crossed the line by sleeping in the same room as another girl.

 

- come on, it is only okay to do that with another women if she is completely ugly and he has NO desire to be intimate with her to begin with. EVEN THEN he would have to reassure you a little and at least say " babe I love you so much I would never cheat ok xoxo"

 

- it is not right that he is sharing the room with her AND is not being really supportive and comforting towards you

 

- sure a guy should not have to go over the top to convince his girlfriend that he is not cheating, but he should AT LEAST comfort her and make her feel loved if he IS sharing a room with a girl.

[Infonista]

He doesn't care about my feelings. He is more interested in appearing cool to his grad school friends than maintaining stability and integrity in our relationship. I'm so hurt.

 

Yes I have had "bad" feelings or gut reactions before. About 10 months into our relationship he lied about seeing the girl he dated before me after work said he was with the consultants from work but actually broke off plans with me to go to a bar with her. I just felt something was off. I found out about it a couple months later confronted him and he cried and begged me to give him another chance to forgive him.

 

Ever since then in addition to other "little" incidents I have not been able to fully trust him. And because of this I have been having a hard time listening to my gut. My intuition feels broken.

 

He is always very apologetic and maintains that he has never cheated on me. But yes his boundaries are very poor and can be quite selfish especially around others. His Ego is huge and needs constant stroking.

 

I am devastated and so hurt that he doesn't care about my feelings. I really love him and always make him a priority. He takes me for granted.

[therhythm]

He doesn't care about my feelings. He is more interested in appearing cool to his grad school friends than maintaining stability and integrity in our relationship. I'm so hurt.

 

Yes I have had "bad" feelings or gut reactions before. About 10 months into our relationship he lied about seeing the girl he dated before me after work said he was with the consultants from work but actually broke off plans with me to go to a bar with her. I just felt something was off. I found out about it a couple months later confronted him and he cried and begged me to give him another chance to forgive him.

 

Ever since then in addition to other "little" incidents I have not been able to fully trust him. And because of this I have been having a hard time listening to my gut. My intuition feels broken.

 

He is always very apologetic and maintains that he has never cheated on me. But yes his boundaries are very poor and can be quite selfish especially around others. His Ego is huge and needs constant stroking.

 

I am devastated and so hurt that he doesn't care about my feelings. I really love him and always make him a priority. He takes me for granted.

 

Well you gave him a second chance and he has disrespected you and lied to you again so the question is... What are you going to do about it?

[ChessPieceFace]

Is cost/convinience or someone else's comfort more important than my feelings and the stability of our relationship?

 

I certainly wouldn't want to spend an unnecessary $100+ just because my GF is insecure.

 

A relationship is about trust. You're behaving like your BF is a small child who can't be out of sight more than 5 minutes. The way I see it, you either trust him or you don't. If you don't, you might as well just end the relationship now whether or not he's done anything at all, and this lack of trust is on you. If you do, then it shouldn't matter that he's sharing a room with some girl.

 

Your reaction and attitude sound unhealthy to me. Perhaps that's why he didn't want to tell you he was rooming with a girl.

[therhythm]

I certainly wouldn't want to spend an unnecessary $100+ just because my GF is insecure.

 

A relationship is about trust. You're behaving like your BF is a small child who can't be out of sight more than 5 minutes. The way I see it, you either trust him or you don't. If you don't, you might as well just end the relationship now whether or not he's done anything at all, and this lack of trust is on you. If you do, then it shouldn't matter that he's sharing a room with some girl.

 

Your reaction and attitude sound unhealthy to me. Perhaps that's why he didn't want to tell you he was rooming with a girl.

 

I am sorry man but I have to strongly disagree... relationships are about trust is true but they are also about honesty and boundaries.

OP's boyfriend has repeatedly lied to OP, he didn't give her the opportunity to set up the boundaries to secure her emotional stability with his lies and based on the fact that he finds it pretty easy to lie to his girlfriend I would be afraid what other things he can do without any hesitation.

 

I think you should be a bit more open minded and not only look at things from the males side, that makes your advises worthless and biased!

[Infonista]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

I wasn't insecure at all in this relationship until the incident at the ten month-mark and subsequent other events over time. His response has been very callous. He could have had a talk with me while I was him driving to the airport, called me when he got there to discuss the new sleeping arrangements. Not waited until after I called his hotel room.

 

If the situation was reversed he would have flipped out, tried to prevent the situation in any way possible he would have offered to pay for another room, or fly me back early just anything for me to not to have share a room with another guy. So his hypocrisy adds another layer of hurt and anger for me.

 

I love him I really do but I don't trust him. It's very hard to reconcile these two things. At this point if he cares so little about my feelings it's time for me to move on. I am devastated.

[SweetiePie12]

Yeah, that's everyone's DREAM to have their tipsy/drunk boyfriend or girlfriend sleeping right next to their tipsy/drunk friend of the opposite sex in the same bed together.

 

And the OP's reaction is 'unhealthy?' Seriously???

 

I agree with you, but at the same time, it sounds like he's afraid to talk to her. She said herself that she's so upset she feels ill. That's a heavy situation to deal with, and even if he is innocent, and they are just sharing a room as he said (& I suspect that's the truth), he probably wanted to avoid the OPs drama -- to no avail.

 

All that being said, I do not think this is a match made in heaven.

[Infonista]

That's the kicker though. He has repeatedly made situations worse by avoiding the uncomfortable conversation/ situation saying one thing then saying and doing another.

 

If something is not a big deal he goes on to make it a big deal by avoiding the conversation avoiding the uncomfortable.

 

He confessed early on in our relationship that he had never been faithful to any girl and when he cheated he was always under the influence.

 

All this cheating happened while he was in college a decade ago captain of the football team.

 

It didn't faze me because people do all sort of dumb**** in undergrad especially when large amount of alcohol is involved.

 

To this day he maintains that I am the only woman he has never cheated on in his adult life and he finds it ironic that he has lost my full trust. Since the other women he cheated on trusted him completely.

 

Like I said when he has been upfront I have been cool for example his very best friend is a girl that he had sex with once in college. I love this girl never have gotten a weird vibe from her them and I respect their relationship very much and she has always been very respectful of me. He disclosed this early on before we hung together as a group and has never been an issue.

 

When I caught him in the lie about his ex I wasn't furious that he saw her I was furious that he stood me up broke off our plans then lied. He could have said I am going to see so and so tonight to catch up for closure blah blah.

 

My opinion if its not a big deal then don't make it one with lies. I would not have liked it but would have appreciated and respected his honesty.

 

Once you cover it up make it a big deal with lies or lies by omission it becomes a big deal.

 

Like this hotel business he lied then told the truth and then became offended when I said I shouldn't trust him. What I am going to do fly out there? No. With his omissions he takes away my ability to make informed decisions about what is acceptable to me or not in the context of a serious long term relationship. That is not fair.

[SweetiePie12]

That's the kicker though. He has repeatedly made situations worse by avoiding the uncomfortable conversation/ situation saying one thing then saying and doing another.

 

Hmm... Sounds like a basic incompatibility, I'm afraid. Without communication, you're out on a boat with no oars.

 

If something is not a big deal he goes on to make it a big deal by avoiding the conversation avoiding the uncomfortable.

 

You would think he'd learn from the pattern by now, right? Again, without communication and an ability to adapt to one another's needs, this may be a more frustrating than fulfilling relationship

 

He confessed early on in our relationship that he had never been faithful to any girl and when he cheated he was always under the influence.

 

Big problem!! I've learned here at the Shack that cheaters are conflict avoiders...!!

 

To this day he maintains that I am the only woman he has never cheated on in his adult life and he finds it ironic that he has lost my full trust. Since the other women he cheated on trusted him completely.

 

Hmmm. Very interesting!

 

Why does he "maintain" he's never cheated on you? Why point it out? Could it be a case of protesting too much?

 

If he is telling the truth -- and I tend to believe he is -- I feel compassion for his feelings of confoundment. It is totally ironic to face trust issues given the circumstance he describes. But really -- all of his previous girlfriends trusted him "completely"? Really? That could be an exaggeration, no?

 

When I caught him in the lie about his ex I wasn't furious that he saw her I was furious that he stood me up broke off our plans then lied. He could have said I am going to see so and so tonight to catch up for closure blah blah.

 

This will be an ongoing pattern if you continue this relationship, I'm sad to say.

 

My opinion if its not a big deal then don't make it one with lies. I would not have liked it but would have appreciated and respected his honesty.

 

You sure about that...?

 

Once you cover it up make it a big deal with lies or lies by omission it becomes a big deal.

 

Sounds like you are trying to reconcile in your mind the actions of a person who is, essentially, dishonest

 

Like this hotel business he lied then told the truth and then became offended when I said I shouldn't trust him.

 

Oh, girl, no he is full of it. He's being defensive? That's another characteristic of a cheater. He's trying to spin it like this is your fault. Please don't fall for it.

 

With his omissions he takes away my ability to make informed decisions about what is acceptable to me or not in the context of a serious long term relationship. That is not fair.

 

It sure isn't! I think you're giving him too much credit, too. You sound very intelligent, and I'd bet my bottom dollar he's given zero thought to your right to make informed decisions about your life!

 

So... What do you plan to do?

 

This could be a blessing in disguise; these red flags being raised at this particular point in time. In fact, I'm sure of it.

 

Hey, why didn't you join him on holiday, by the way???

[therhythm]

That's the kicker though. He has repeatedly made situations worse by avoiding the uncomfortable conversation/ situation saying one thing then saying and doing another.

 

If something is not a big deal he goes on to make it a big deal by avoiding the conversation avoiding the uncomfortable.

 

He confessed early on in our relationship that he had never been faithful to any girl and when he cheated he was always under the influence.

 

All this cheating happened while he was in college a decade ago captain of the football team.

 

It didn't faze me because people do all sort of dumb**** in undergrad especially when large amount of alcohol is involved.

 

To this day he maintains that I am the only woman he has never cheated on in his adult life and he finds it ironic that he has lost my full trust. Since the other women he cheated on trusted him completely.

 

Like I said when he has been upfront I have been cool for example his very best friend is a girl that he had sex with once in college. I love this girl never have gotten a weird vibe from her them and I respect their relationship very much and she has always been very respectful of me. He disclosed this early on before we hung together as a group and has never been an issue.

 

When I caught him in the lie about his ex I wasn't furious that he saw her I was furious that he stood me up broke off our plans then lied. He could have said I am going to see so and so tonight to catch up for closure blah blah.

 

My opinion if its not a big deal then don't make it one with lies. I would not have liked it but would have appreciated and respected his honesty.

 

Once you cover it up make it a big deal with lies or lies by omission it becomes a big deal.

 

Like this hotel business he lied then told the truth and then became offended when I said I shouldn't trust him. What I am going to do fly out there? No. With his omissions he takes away my ability to make informed decisions about what is acceptable to me or not in the context of a serious long term relationship. That is not fair.

 

Wow... that is an awful lot of new information! I don't know why someone would date someone who has cheated in all his/her past relationships... if I have learn something in my life is that it is very hard for people to change their behavior and almost impossible to change their values.

So you have this guy who has a track record history on cheating, going to holidays and sharing a double bed room with another girl and hiding that fact from you, and he is not returning your phone calls or text for a while?

Honestly, you seem an intelligent woman, what do you thing it is happening there?

[SweetiePie12]

Wow... that is an awful lot of new information! I don't know why someone would date someone who has cheated in all his/her past relationships... if I have learn something in my life is that it is very hard for people to change their behavior and almost impossible to change their values.

 

So, do you think something inappropriate happened in the hotel room that night? Or with his ex on the night of closure?

 

So you have this guy who has a track record history on cheating, going to holidays and sharing a double bed room with another girl and hiding that fact from you, and he is not returning your phone calls or text for a while?

 

You made it quite plain.

 

Honestly, you seem an intelligent woman, what do you thing it is happening there?

[Infonista]

I met this classmate once. They are still on the trip rooming together I assume until tomorrow afternoon. I do not know if anything happened and I don't think I ever will. I am just not comfortable with my boyfried sharing a hotel room with his female classmate after binge drinking for hours before heading back to the hotel in the wee hours of the morning. It's inappropriate. She left her shared group girls room to be the only girl to share my boyfriend's hotel room.

They flew in early together before all the other friends arrived.

When I asked him who he was rooming with he first said alone.

Then when I call in the AM he rushes me off the phone and texts two minutes later that she was rooming with him now.

 

Anyone would be uncomfortable in this situation, I think.

 

How would you feel if this was your girlfriend doing this?

 

I didn't go because it was a classmates trips no one else bought their SO's along except 2 of the classmates who are already a couple.

[Infonista]

The night of closure I also don't know what happened he says nothing that they just ate and had a few drinks across the street from his job.

 

If it was truly innocent then why cancel our date and make up a lie about working late and office politics etc...

 

My level trust has been much less since that incident more on the trust then verify mode. Ask questions and verify.

 

They say that when you seek advice you already know the answer.

 

If he really cared he would have tried to call me and reassure me or even try to explain the initial lie even by saying I was scared to tell you of your reaction...

 

I know he wouldn't like the situation if he were in my shoes. Would anyone?

[avelonia2013]

I met this classmate once. They are still on the trip rooming together I assume until tomorrow afternoon. I do not know if anything happened and I don't think I ever will. I am just not comfortable with my boyfried sharing a hotel room with his female classmate after binge drinking for hours before heading back to the hotel in the wee hours of the morning. It's inappropriate. She left her shared group girls room to be the only girl to share my boyfriend's hotel room.

They flew in early together before all the other friends arrived.

When I asked him who he was rooming with he first said alone.

Then when I call in the AM he rushes me off the phone and texts two minutes later that she was rooming with him now.

 

Anyone would be uncomfortable in this situation, I think.

 

How would you feel if this was your girlfriend doing this?

 

I didn't go because it was a classmates trips no one else bought their SO's along except 2 of the classmates who are already a couple.

 

Umm, I'm sorry, but this sounds extremely fishy to me. This guy is an admitted cheater. The flying in early "together" and then ending up in the same room? C'mon, this guy is selling you a bill of tainted goods to be honest. He's gaslighting you.

 

I dunno about you, but in this case, I would hand him his walking papers otherwise you are setting yourself up for a world of nothing but pain and misery. If you choose to stay then you both need to get into counseling pronto. Yikes!

Edited May 27, 2013 by avelonia2013

[Infonista]

Umm, I'm sorry, but this sounds extremely fishy to me. This guy is an admitted cheater. The flying in early "together" and then ending up in the same room? C'mon, this guy is selling you a bill of tainted goods to be honest. He's gaslighting you.

 

I dunno about you, but in this case, I would hand him his walking papers otherwise you are setting yourself up for a world of nothing but pain and misery. If you choose to stay then you both need to get into counseling pronto. Yikes!

 

We had been looking into pre-marital counseling as we are supposed to get engaged and move in together next month.

 

Yes he is totally gas lighting me. When said that I shouldn't trust him that this situation was not ok and I was not ok he became offended for being made feel terrible for "Anthing" he does that I was ridiculous for thinking that he is intentionally trying to screw with me or hurt me. I said that for a man who wants to get engaged next month and raise our children together (we both have 1 child each ) from previous relationships. His behavoir is inappropriate. I told him he could find his own way back from the airport. And he has not called text or email since yesterday at noon but has time to upload photos of his trip to instagram.

 

Sigh. I don't think counseling can fix broken trust.

Edited May 27, 2013 by Infonista
Missing words

[therhythm]

We had been looking into pre-marital counseling as we are supposed to get engaged and move in together next month.

 

Yes he is totally gas lighting me. When said that I shouldn't trust him that this situation was not ok and I was not ok he became offended for being made feel terrible for "Anthing" he does that I was ridiculous for thinking that he is intentionally trying to screw with me or hurt me. I said that for a man who wants to get engaged next month and raise our children together (we both have 1 child each ) from previous relationships. His behavoir is inappropriate. I told him he could find his own way back from the airport. And he has not called text or email since yesterday at noon but has time to upload photos of his trip to instagram.

 

Sigh. I don't think counseling can fix broken trust.

 

Yep, dump him like a smelling tomato. He is really bad news!

[crederer]

Well it could be possible that you are overreacting and theres nothing wrong going on there, however, I would not like it if my gf was sharing a room with some dude.

 

And your follow up post shows that this guy has proven to be untrustworthy so......