Advice for reconciliation

[weweregods]

Well, I have been on this forum for a few weeks giving other people advise on how to get back with their exs, so I thought that I would finally post my own thread.

 

Some helpful suggestions:

 

1) Stop calling - stop calling non-stop and leaving tons of voicemails and e-mails every day. Your partner is pulling away from you and being pushy with the contact isn't going to help. Your partner has SOME sort of hidden - or sometimes all too public - contempt for the way that you behave. Nine times out of ten, they think that you are need, clingy, and pushy (and to some degree, their right) and therefore, they want more space. Give them space, but let them know how special you are by using this silent threat: "They could loose you, they could never hear from you again." This will start to scare them and they will start to remember all the good times that the two of you shared. In this period of no contact, the bad memories will fade. If they call you, return the calls but don't stay on the phone for long and always try to be the first to hang-up.

 

2) Stop following your feelings - People chase after their feelings all-day, every-day these past few years. Go into any bookstore and find the self-help section. You'll be confronted with enough smiling, sympathetic (wimpy) faces and pastel colors to make Mr. Rodgers vomit. Why? Because people follow their feelings. Why do they follow feelings? Because our society has come to the erroneous belief that feelings are a type of illness - an illness that we medicate unnecessarily, we beat to death with pseudo-therapy talk shows (often run by those with no psychological training), and exaggerated in life importance. There are too many people in this world that rely on something, or someone else to make them happy. If you are not happy, then you need to examine why you are not happy and do something about it. What most people don't realize is that you can control how you feel. Thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to behaviors. If you want to change your feelings, change your thoughts. No one else can do that for you.

 

And, if I haven't hit home with that, then think about it like this: Your ex most likely left you because they were incorrectly and immaturely following their feelings. If they said 'I don't love you anymore", then they are really saying that they are immature and they don't want the responsibility that logically comes from following through with a commitment to a relationship. They think, as society reinforces, that if the love isn't there that there is nothing they need to do about that. They believe that the only solution is to leave. They are, of course, wrong - dead wrong. If they say that they need "space" or a "break", then what they are really saying is that they have not correctly asserted themselves within the relationship and they feel that they cannot change that feeling. Once more, they are wrong. Don't get me wrong, your feelings should be cherished and nurture - much like your children -but, also like your children, you should give them total control over your life. Think about it like this: would you hand a five year-old your checkbook and expect him to correctly organize your finances? OF course you wouldn't. So why do you give your feelings total control over your life and your relationship? Your heart is just like a five year-old: it wants, what it wants, when it wants, and how it wants it. The only problem with that is that your heart doesn't have a brain.

 

3) Stop complaining, stop nagging, stop whining - this never works. All you are trying to do is change your ex into the person that you wanted them to be in the first place. The more you tell them about how they are not what you want, the more respect they will loose for you for wanting to be with them again in the first place.

 

4) Act indifferent about sex, love, and romance - Your ex is being negative, no matter how positive and happy they appear (and trust me, this is an act). They are negative about you, and so when they speak to you, they want to confirm their negative assumptions about you. They will try to test these assumptions by: dating other people, breaking more promises, and acting thrilled with their new single life. But this is an act, nothing more. If your don't believe me, look back at how they acted before they met you... Most likely, they were unhappy with being single. They expected YOU to change that, and for a short time, you did. Then, they fell back into their old patterns and reinforced your negative behaviors as well. SO, act indifferent. This will intrigue them. Because our society encourages us to think negatively (unless trained otherwise) they will begin to think negatively about this situation, and that will be to your advantage. They will start to think: "They’re not falling all over me anymore! I bet they are seeing someone else! They can't do that! I wonder if this new guy/girl is better looking then me. They MUST be! They have to be! This sucks!" If you know that they are starting to think this way, don't reassure them that you 'just for them'... Use it to work in your favor!

 

5) Date other people - this ties in with #4. It will help you get your confidence back and will make your ex jealous, even though they won't tell you at first. Plus, it will help you get your mind off your ex.

 

6) Agree with everything they say, even the negative stuff. Look at it this way: if your ex said some mean stuff, like "you're crazy" (and my ex did), what happens when you start agreeing with them? Well, then they are in agreement with a crazy person! What if they say they "want you to move-on"? 1) They are lying; 2) There is no such thing as "moving-on". "Moving-on" is dime-store psychobabble; it has NO basis in reality. What do you do when you move? You pack baggage. And when you move emotionally, you pack emotional baggage. This is a belief in magic that our society supports: move somewhere different, become a different person - this is totally inaccurate, and completely impossible. And just like physically moving, "moving-on" to someone or something new will not make you or anyone else a new problem. Both you and your ex - if you try to "move-on" will find that nothing will have changed for you, in fact, you'll both probably be worse off. True emotional growth comes form letting go - not giving up - letting go of all of your own negativity. If your have a healthy ego, then blaming yourself for anything should never be a problem, just let go of all the fear, the pain, the resentment, the guilt, all of it... And watch how your ex responds to the positive, emotionally healthy you!

[weweregods]

And just like physically moving, "moving-on" to someone or something new will not make you or anyone else a new problem.

 

Sorry, I meant: will not make you or anyone else a new person.

[theone44]

Originally posted by weweregods

Well, I have been on this forum for a few weeks giving other people advise on how to get back with their exs, so I thought that I would finally post my own thread.

 

Some helpful suggestions:

 

1) Stop calling - stop calling non-stop and leaving tons of voicemails and e-mails every day. Your partner is pulling away from you and being pushy with the contact isn't going to help. Your partner has SOME sort of hidden - or sometimes all too public - contempt for the way that you behave. Nine times out of ten, they think that you are need, clingy, and pushy (and to some degree, their right) and therefore, they want more space. Give them space, but let them know how special you are by using this silent threat: "They could loose you, they could never hear from you again." This will start to scare them and they will start to remember all the good times that the two of you shared. In this period of no contact, the bad memories will fade. If they call you, return the calls but don't stay on the phone for long and always try to be the first to hang-up.

 

2) Stop following your feelings - People chase after their feelings all-day, every-day these past few years. Go into any bookstore and find the self-help section. You'll be confronted with enough smiling, sympathetic (wimpy) faces and pastel colors to make Mr. Rodgers vomit. Why? Because people follow their feelings. Why do they follow feelings? Because our society has come to the erroneous belief that feelings are a type of illness - an illness that we medicate unnecessarily, we beat to death with pseudo-therapy talk shows (often run by those with no psychological training), and exaggerated in life importance. There are too many people in this world that rely on something, or someone else to make them happy. If you are not happy, then you need to examine why you are not happy and do something about it. What most people don't realize is that you can control how you feel. Thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to behaviors. If you want to change your feelings, change your thoughts. No one else can do that for you.

 

And, if I haven't hit home with that, then think about it like this: Your ex most likely left you because they were incorrectly and immaturely following their feelings. If they said 'I don't love you anymore", then they are really saying that they are immature and they don't want the responsibility that logically comes from following through with a commitment to a relationship. They think, as society reinforces, that if the love isn't there that there is nothing they need to do about that. They believe that the only solution is to leave. They are, of course, wrong - dead wrong. If they say that they need "space" or a "break", then what they are really saying is that they have not correctly asserted themselves within the relationship and they feel that they cannot change that feeling. Once more, they are wrong. Don't get me wrong, your feelings should be cherished and nurture - much like your children -but, also like your children, you should give them total control over your life. Think about it like this: would you hand a five year-old your checkbook and expect him to correctly organize your finances? OF course you wouldn't. So why do you give your feelings total control over your life and your relationship? Your heart is just like a five year-old: it wants, what it wants, when it wants, and how it wants it. The only problem with that is that your heart doesn't have a brain.

 

3) Stop complaining, stop nagging, stop whining - this never works. All you are trying to do is change your ex into the person that you wanted them to be in the first place. The more you tell them about how they are not what you want, the more respect they will loose for you for wanting to be with them again in the first place.

 

4) Act indifferent about sex, love, and romance - Your ex is being negative, no matter how positive and happy they appear (and trust me, this is an act). They are negative about you, and so when they speak to you, they want to confirm their negative assumptions about you. They will try to test these assumptions by: dating other people, breaking more promises, and acting thrilled with their new single life. But this is an act, nothing more. If your don't believe me, look back at how they acted before they met you... Most likely, they were unhappy with being single. They expected YOU to change that, and for a short time, you did. Then, they fell back into their old patterns and reinforced your negative behaviors as well. SO, act indifferent. This will intrigue them. Because our society encourages us to think negatively (unless trained otherwise) they will begin to think negatively about this situation, and that will be to your advantage. They will start to think: "They’re not falling all over me anymore! I bet they are seeing someone else! They can't do that! I wonder if this new guy/girl is better looking then me. They MUST be! They have to be! This sucks!" If you know that they are starting to think this way, don't reassure them that you 'just for them'... Use it to work in your favor!

 

5) Date other people - this ties in with #4. It will help you get your confidence back and will make your ex jealous, even though they won't tell you at first. Plus, it will help you get your mind off your ex.

 

6) Agree with everything they say, even the negative stuff. Look at it this way: if your ex said some mean stuff, like "you're crazy" (and my ex did), what happens when you start agreeing with them? Well, then they are in agreement with a crazy person! What if they say they "want you to move-on"? 1) They are lying; 2) There is no such thing as "moving-on". "Moving-on" is dime-store psychobabble; it has NO basis in reality. What do you do when you move? You pack baggage. And when you move emotionally, you pack emotional baggage. This is a belief in magic that our society supports: move somewhere different, become a different person - this is totally inaccurate, and completely impossible. And just like physically moving, "moving-on" to someone or something new will not make you or anyone else a new problem. Both you and your ex - if you try to "move-on" will find that nothing will have changed for you, in fact, you'll both probably be worse off. True emotional growth comes form letting go - not giving up - letting go of all of your own negativity. If your have a healthy ego, then blaming yourself for anything should never be a problem, just let go of all the fear, the pain, the resentment, the guilt, all of it... And watch how your ex responds to the positive, emotionally healthy you!

 

 

 

Dam, where were u with this post. I kind of like this one......it seem very positive....not like some of the bitter and resentment posts i been reading. I believe i lost my lady for good....by doing what u say in number #1......but i know there is still hope for me,but i still move on.....and try to make a better me again,by reading your post.........u made my day........."God" bless you.....

[weweregods]

Don't get me wrong, your feelings should be cherished and nurture - much like your children -but, also like your children, you should give them total control over your life.

 

Sorry, another typo. Should read: you SHOULDN'T give them total control over your life!

 

-Good Luck!

[weweregods]

AH, theone44 - I should have mentioned, in my advice in #1 - you should stop calling for periods at a time. But any time you contact your ex, you should avoid relationship talk. Keep it practicle: "Do you want me to drop off that check, or mail it to you?", "Do you need _________ back?", ect. Keep it in the relm of small talk, happy talk, It is the serious talk that is hurting the relationship.

[love the gypsy87]

you just made me realize that i am better then what ive been going through i know that my ex still cares about me and that your exes are your exes for a reason but im going to do all those steps and i truly believe it will better myself and my relationship with him

thank you so much my own mom couldnt even get me to realize this but a total stranger has i from the bottom of my heart thank you

[weweregods]

Glad to hear it love the gypsy87! I don't think that most people realize that reality is our friend! People try to live in their own little fantasy world where they are the only "real" person, and they are the only ones that ever get hurt... Those worlds don't exist, it is only when you realize this that you realize that reality is actually what is trying to prevent you from being hurt. You are on the right track, just keep on doing what you are doing and he will most likely be back. The only question is, after you have done all this work to improve yourself, will you want him back? That is the most important question when considering giving an ex a second chance. Stay strong, be brave - be the person that you were when he fell in love with you! He loves you, no matter what he says. He is just immature (as a lot of us are) and he's confused. Show him - don't tell him - that you are a better person.

 

-Good Luck!

[UnicornGirl]

thank you so much for the advice. so much.

[Weird]

yep, great post and you hit the nail on the head about people just running away and not trying to work things out when it comes ot the feelings/love stuff.

[MissingHerBad]

Like someone above said. " I think me and my gf are over but this gives me hope. I am in the same position. The girl that I have been in love with and gone out with for 1.5 years broke up with me over 3 weeks ago. Up until about 3 days ago I was talking to her, calling her at all hours crying. Loosing a grip on reality is no joke. Sometimes I feel like picking up the phone but I know this will do know good. She seems very resentful, shes sais that I wasnt emotionally there for her. I really want to be, I would do anything. Would it be acceptable to send a letter through the old snail mail after a week or two of no contact, or should I just leave it?

[Layzie1207]

i am in a very similar situation. my ex fell out of love with me and for 2 months i was completely obsessive and clingy and would do things like cut myself to try and show her how much i loved her now and how much i cared about her because i was in so much pain she was leaving. now she doesnt think she could ever be with me again because shes "terrified" of me. she says she wants me to "move on" from loving her and just be my own person and be happy with myself and then when i dont love her call her so we can be friends. i am so conflicted and i dont know what to do, please help, especially because i screwed things up so badly that im scared i ruined anything for the future.

[Urban Rubble01]

Well, I've got to say, this thread did help me a bit.

 

I'm having a hard time deciding whether or not to continue contact. Like many of us, I've been told that "we need a break". 3 years. No warning signs, out of the blue. We were having great sex, talking about marriage casually (2 weeks before this happened) and just as loving as ever. And then she tells me that she needs some time apart. She says she feels the same about me but that if we have a chance of being together forever we need to spend some time apart, we're young, only 22. We've seen each other twice (it's been about 2 months) and talk and E-mail sporadically.

 

I'm confused as to whether or not I should still call her. I just feel like our break is on the more optimistic side. I hear so many stories of people with these messed up relationships being suprised when their partner asks for some space. But we just seemed so perfect, nothing went wrong. I've repeatedly asked her to be honest with me if she cares and I've also asked if she wants to see me. She assures me she wants to see me. When we do talk, everything is good, I don't talk about the relationship and we enjoy each other just like normal. But most people on this site tell me that's a bad way to go about it. They tell me that the best way to go about it is to just stop calling. I just feel like if we're on good terms and we're just being friendly that it's good for us to talk.

 

I guess I just feel that if 2 people are on good terms and seem to still care about each other then there is no reason to just drop off the face of the earth. It's one thing if the girl says she doesn't love you, but it's SOOOO hard to just stop calling when I know how she feels.

[weweregods]

Guys, the contact thing is important! I suggest at least a monthwithout you intiating contact! Don't call, don't write, don't send flowers or candy - leave them alone for a while. How are you going to convice them you are a different person when you act the same? And yes, you do have to date other people.

 

What you must realize is that our society has poisined us into believeing that we MUST follow our feelings - well, the problem is that sometime (a lot of times) your feelings will make you do the wrong thing! So, embrace your feelings instead of simply trying to appease them. Or worse, trying to force your partner back to you... YOU want them back, and all of this calling and writing is just the expression of how you want YOUR way and communicating to them that you don't care about their wants or needs...

[theone44]

Originally posted by weweregods

Guys, the contact thing is important! I suggest at least a monthwithout you intiating contact! Don't call, don't write, don't send flowers or candy - leave them alone for a while. How are you going to convice them you are a different person when you act the same? And yes, you do have to date other people.

 

What you must realize is that our society has poisined us into believeing that we MUST follow our feelings - well, the problem is that sometime (a lot of times) your feelings will make you do the wrong thing! So, embrace your feelings instead of simply trying to appease them. Or worse, trying to force your partner back to you... YOU want them back, and all of this calling and writing is just the expression of how you want YOUR way and communicating to them that you don't care about their wants or needs...

 

 

 

Well said weweregods.......So what do think about this.... My ex has call 4 time since the break-up in July. The first call i return back to her three day's later,and she said that she call my number by mistake. I know there are people that may have number similiar to mine,but she call my number three more time.....twice in Oct.....but the phone only ring twice,but she never leave a message.....plus i never return the call........cause i'm still doing no contact with her.....is she trying to reach back to me or what. I have move on since the break-up........any imput.......

[Weird]

layzie,

 

dude you would physically cut yourself to show her how much you loved her? That's messed up son

[weweregods]

I agree, Wierd...

 

Layzie, for your own sake, please seek some sort of psychiatric care. Worry about yourself first... She said you frighten her, and - I say this out of genuine consern for another human being - I can certainly see why! It is scary when someone loves us so much that they would hurt themselves or others to prove it - that's not love, that's obsession. You need to distance yourself from her.

 

All you are doing by hurting yourself is pushing her farther away. If you want her to come back to you, you are gonna have to change! You are going to have to care more about yourself than her. She wants a partner: not a stalker nor an obssesor - can you blame her?

 

Obviously, she cares about you. All she is saying is that she cannot be with you as long as you are like this. Give her time and space. But most of all, work on yourself!

[Layzie1207]

i didnt say anything like, look at me, i care about you so much i am going to cut myself. this was my first breakup and i was in total denial that she didnt love me anymore because i fell desperately in love with her. i only hurt myself when out of anger and heat of the moment she said that she never wanted to talk to me again, and the other time was when we had a very emotional talk about our feelings, and the entire time she was text messaging her best friend that she wasnt sure if she loved literally behind my back. i was just so hurt by both situations i didnt know how to handle it and i regret what i did so much because i pushed her very far away. i pray with time that she can see why i did what i did but i regret it more each day and i literally feel sick to my stomach. i wish that i had let her go the first day, but i also pray that she understands how badly i was hurting and doesnt blame me for it, but understands and gives me the benefit of the doubt. right now im at a crossroads and not sure what to do, she says she wants me to move on and when i dont love her anymore and can be her friend to be her friend then she wants to be best friends. i dont know how i could ever do that, but i dont know how i could never talk to her again. i feel trapped and im not sure what to do. i pray with time that she starts to miss all the good times we had and doesnt dwell on the bad last 2 months. do you think with time she will start to remember the good times and not just think about how crazy and obsessed i was during the break up, because i had never been like that before. i am just so scared that she will still think im crazy and be terrified of me during the no contact period instead of missing me. im not sure what to do because i just want to drop to my knees and apologize to her for what i did and tell her how sorry i am but i cant talk to her.

[weweregods]

Layzie, regardless of why you did and said what you did, you need to realize that you are acting irrationally... You were scaring her, and it is easy to see why - that behavior (just the very mention of wanting or thinking of doing something like that) is very disturbing. You really need to work on yourself before you can proceed with ANY relationship... I understand that you were hurting, but you should not let your feelings control you or drive you to hurt yourself. Your feelings are not always right - they don't think! Feelings just want what they want, when they want, how THEY want it... Your feelings don't know how to make you happy, nor how to win her back... BUT, you brain does! It knows that you are only pushing her farther away with your needy and disturbing behavior. She feels responsible for you wanting to hurt yourslef - as an loving person would - and (also, like any loving person would) she doesn't want to be responsible for your happiness or your irrational behavior. She may be the cause of it in YOUR mind, but only YOU can control your thoughts and actions. Until you can do so, you will never know true happiness...

 

Good luck and God-bless!

[Layzie1207]

she feels very responsible for my pain and it hurts her very badly. i regret everything ive done and it eats me alive. i plan on taking a long break from talking to her in order to grow as a person but i am still very very sad that she does not love me anymore. any tips for the long run?

[weweregods]

MissingHerBad, I would suggest that you avoid ALL contact for at least one month. Then, try to reintiate contact with something simple and non-relationship oriented... Ask her if she wants something back, ect...

[weweregods]

layzie, I really do suggest that you seek professional help to help you deal with all the emotions. There is no shame in asking for help. Other than that, you need to learn to care more for yourself: eat right, exersice everyday, start doing something you always wanted to do. Try to remember that she DOES love you, or else she would not be doing this for you... She really does want you to feel better, and "moving on" is just code for the fact that she doesn't want you stuck this way forever. Focus on yourself for one month... Be selfish and do what you want to do. Enjoy your life... Love her back to you. Show her that you are the same person that you were.

[weweregods]

theone44:

 

Well said weweregods.......So what do think about this.... My ex has call 4 time since the break-up in July. The first call i return back to her three day's later,and she said that she call my number by mistake. I know there are people that may have number similiar to mine,but she call my number three more time.....twice in Oct.....but the phone only ring twice,but she never leave a message.....plus i never return the call........cause i'm still doing no contact with her.....is she trying to reach back to me or what. I have move on since the break-up........any imput.......

 

She is trying to fight the urge to return... We all get it, and it is natural. She is getting ready to test the waters of getting back with you. What you have to do is pull back a bit more. Give her some light rejection. If you call her back and ask her if she needs anything, do so happily and if she give you a lame excuse, except it and then tell her that you need to go... This will intrigue her and she will start trying to reappear in your life...

[Urban Rubble01]

Guys, the contact thing is important! I suggest at least a monthwithout you intiating contact! Don't call, don't write, don't send flowers or candy - leave them alone for a while. How are you going to convice them you are a different person when you act the same? And yes, you do have to date other people.

 

Well, first off just let me say that I think I've made a decision. Even though she tells me she still loves me and she tells me she likes to still see me, I've decided that I'm going to have to try and go one whole month without contacting her at all. I mean, part of me is scared of just dropping out like that because we are on such good terms and she genuinely seems to want to see me, but part of me feels like I've got to see how she feels when I stop talking to her. I just don't want to torture myself unecessarily, and not talking to her is definitely torture. I'm just worried that doing this is going to hurt her, or push her away, or give her the chance to stop missing me. But I guess if those things are going to happen, they'll happen no matter what I do.

 

One thing I didn't get though. Why would I want to convince her I'm a different person ? For one, I'm not a different person, I'm the same guy as I was. In my case, I'm as sure as I can be that she didn't break up with me because of anything I had done. It seems like a genuine case of her needing some space. So, if she didn't break up with me because of something I had done wrong, is it really a good idea to make it seem as if I'm a different person ? I want her to see the guy she fell in love with, not someone else.

 

YOU want them back, and all of this calling and writing is just the expression of how you want YOUR way and communicating to them that you don't care about their wants or needs...

 

Well, in my case that would be partially right. I mean, of course I want to talk to to her. But the thing is, her "wants and needs", as far as she tells me, are to have some time to herself but to still have me in her life. She says if I can handle it that she wants to talk to me and see me, but if that's too painful for me that she'd understand if I couldn't see her. So am I definitely doing the right thing to try NC for a month or could it be pointless torture in my case ?

 

I guess I just feel like NC makes sense for people who are on bad terms or for people who have been told their partner doesn't love them, but for my situation I'm just having a hard time seeing how this is the best way. Of course, that doesn't mean that it ISN'T the best way, but that's why I'm here, to figure that out.