Ex's/other guys. Am I over reacting?

[buzzer]

Hello all. First post. I didn't see an intro section, so I'll just jump right into my question. Gf and I, both 40y/o divorced parents, have been together for a year and a half, cohabiting for about 6 mos. Since about January, she has done a few things that have caused a bit of suspicion. The first incident occurred when she was going through a tough time dealing with the suicide of a coworker. She began participating in a peer-led counseling thing at work, and she and the group leader (male) became close, and started texting/taking privately. He eventually asked her to lunch, and she accepted, but told me about it. I asked if I could see the texts, between them, to which she reluctantly agreed. They were very flirty on his part, but she was extremely receptive to it. I asked if she thought it was inappropriate, and she acknowledged that it was, but did not apologize for encouraging it. We move past it. Well last month, an old guy friend began emailing her quite a bit. She never told me, I snooped when she left it open once (sorry). Guy friend says he'll be in town for a conference in early May and he'd like to meet her for lunch. She again agrees, but tells him that her bf (me) is "psycho jealous," so they'll have to "work something out." I did not confront her until just a few days ago, and it turns out they did not end up going. However, we did argue over the fact that she kept it from me. When we finally calmed down and talked a couple days later, she admitted that she aall so much.guy friend had dated in their early-20's. She further admitted that had they met up, she would have never told me about it, or she would have made up a story about going out with one of her female friends.There was another incident before all this involving her going off with her ex-husband and son for a st paddy's day thing. The only thing that ticked me off about that, was them riding in the same car (his), and she also stated that had I not found out about it from a friend, she would not have told me about it. The irony in all of this is that gf is a very jealous person. She stated early on that I could not have female friends, and ex's were off-limits.

 

So what do you all think? Am I being too jealous/suspicious? Or is there reason for me to be concerned about her truthfulness? Thank you all so much.

[USMCHokie]

The moment someone gives me a reason not to trust them, I'm gone. I don't even need an explanation.

 

 

I'm not that desperate.

[TaraMaiden]

Relationships are sustained by three important, vital and co-dependent factors: They are in fact, like the tripod supporting the fragile porcelain dish within the laboratory....

These three, inseparable and co-effective factors are:

 

Communication (effective and constructive)

Respect (For self and partner)

Trust.

 

If one of these is damaged, bent or broken, the other two - with the best will and effort in the world - cannot function effectively to hold the relationship up on their own, or even as a pair...

 

The most phukked-up one in your situation, is Trust - but the other two are pretty mangled as well....

 

Trust is like the precious, antique porcelain statuette;

Beautiful and valuable and the envy of all your friends - but if it gets chipped or damaged, no matter how expert or invisible the repair, no matter how skilfully restored - the damage is done. The item has lost its value, and even if the mend is unseen to the naked eye - YOU know it's there... and it constantly bugs you, every time you gaze upon the piece...

 

Trust is exactly like that.

Of the three, it's the most precious - but the hardest to remedy too.

 

Your communication absolutely sucks.

Checking up on her, she lies and keeps things from you,

 

....And as for Respect?

 

Gimme a break.

 

Tell me how utterly precious this relationship is to you.

How much work do you BOTH want to put into salvaging it?

 

Because as things stand, there's a hell of a lot of work to do, here....

 

And you both have to want to do it.

 

Can't see it myself.

 

In my opinion, there's so much effort required, that it's a no brainer....

 

Initially, you need to sit her down and ask her whether she thinks it's worth it.

On a scale of 1 to ten how important is it to save this relationship. (1 being low priority.)

Write your own number down, and reveal it when she reveals hers.

If they match, that's a start.

If they're tellingly different, then you have some walking to do.

[Minnie09]

This one's easy. If you don't know whether you're overreacting to her male friends and the secrecy that revolves around her R with those guys, then ask yourself whether or not it's fair that she gets to "enjoy" what you're not allowed to enjoy. She's very jealous? Well, it's because she knows what she's doing is inappropriate, dishonest and disrespectful. She doesn't want to be treated that way herself, she just treats YOU that way, because...... So are you ok with the double standard? Contact with exes is not ok? Talking to other girls is not ok? Really? Well, if she makes the rules that way, she's supposed to be the one following them, right? If you don't want to address the lying by omission and the secrets, flirty texts and whatnot, go ahead and address the double standard! The double standard is so obvious there's no need to even THINK about it. As for the rest, ie her R with other guys, definitely inappropriate / unless you've got an agreement about it, like you both don't care and don't see it as a threat, fine. But that's not the case. She does see it as a threat, but she's the one engaged in it.....so the answer is more than crystal clear.*

[buzzer]

Thank you for the responses so far. Definitely giving me some clarity. In fairness to GF, I do have quite a temper. (NO violence whatsoever in the R though). She has said that my temper is one reason she's afraid to tell me stuff. She doesn't want to deal with me shouting, and she feels she has to calm me down. I admit, I did lose my sh*t pretty bad about her agreeing to meet with those guys. As I said though, no threats, or physical stuff at all in the R.

[Deerhunter]

Its impossible to communicate while shouting. You are going to have to control that temper. I don't agree with her hiding anything. That's breaking trust. Don't do anything behind their back you're not willing to do with them there.

[buzzer]

Minnie, we've had several conversations to that effect. She will sometimes agree. Other times she will deny ever making any such rules. She has on a few occasions said that just because she has a problem with me doing it, doesn't mean that I should have a problem with her doing it. Whenever the "you would hate it if I was hanging out with women/ex's" convo comes up, she will get kind of mad and say she hates when I try to predict how she would react, or what she thinks. I've said that I can very easily start doing the same stuff, to which she'll reply that I'd only be doing it to get revenge, which I sort of don't understand. Its like she thinks I actually don't mind her doing that stuff, and I'd only do it myself to "get even" with her. Which, if true, should be a pretty good indication that I don't like it.

[TaraMaiden]

Like I said:

Your communication skills are very, very poor.

Every discussion changes into an argument, changes into a slanging match, changes into a point-scoring row.

 

Seriously, if you both feel that there is something worthwhile in trying to salvage this relationship, you both need to attend counselling and seek ways to improve your communication skills.

 

Respect for one another is glaringly absent; perhaps when you both learn how to effectively communicate and talk WITH one another, rather than AT one another, that factor too, will improve.

Right now, you guys aren't in a relationship.

You're in an arena.

[buzzer]

Tara, I've read both of your replies, and I'd like to thank you for your candor. You are right that we have serious trust and communication issues, and every conversation follows the same basic script. One of us will bring up a point of contention that has been grating on us, and the other will go into automatic defensive-mode. From there it devolves into a blowout. Not a good scene at all. I am still comteplating on whether or not this relationship is salvageable. To be honest, my ability to trust that what she is telling me has diminished significantly, and we're both pretty worn out from the fighting. The closeness we once shared is really no longer there.

[TaraMaiden]

Repairing the damage is going to require a strenuous effort on both your parts.

 

It's easy to apportion blame (her being untrustworthy, you having a short fuse and a hot temper), but one is behaviour, the other is temperament.

 

However, Responsibility for the state and condition of the relationship, is equally divisible.

And this relationship is dying, because you're both starving it to death by not 'feeding' its needs.

 

It's sad to state such a thing, but it seems about done in.

 

What would be braver, in your opinion:

 

Ending it now, or encouraging her to work with you to repair it?

 

It's not a question of whether the relationship can be saved, any more.

The question is, how much you want to..... and whether you even do.