Lost and looking

[peaksandvalleys]

Hi, I have been reading here for a few months at the suggestion of a friend. As I am sitting here in a hotel with the man I have been married to for 30 years next week. I feel empty. I look at him and I am not sure who he is, sadly I feel the same way about myself when I am with him. When we are apart I feel alive and content.

 

I don't want to do anything that will compromise my beliefs yet I feel like he already has. At the very least we are checked out and not working toward each other. I will keep reading here. Any advice would be appreciated.

[peaksandvalleys]

I put this in this section because I was hoping to get some response. I will repost this in the infidelity section since it probably on the table.

[whichwayisup]

Hi, I have been reading here for a few months at the suggestion of a friend. As I am sitting here in a hotel with the man I have been married to for 30 years next week. I feel empty. I look at him and I am not sure who he is, sadly I feel the same way about myself when I am with him. When we are apart I feel alive and content.

 

I don't want to do anything that will compromise my beliefs yet I feel like he already has. At the very least we are checked out and not working toward each other. I will keep reading here. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Sorry nobody has replied to your thread, just saw this now.

 

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? How long have you felt disconnected from him and empty inside? Living life this way is no fun and being with someone and feeling alone/lonely is worse than being alone.

[Mr. Lucky]

I put this in this section because I was hoping to get some response. I will repost this in the infidelity section since it probably on the table.

Can you be more specific about your concerns? Are there red flags that make you think he might be cheating?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Silly_Girl]

How much have you spoken to him about your feelings and concerns? What don't you get/see from him that you'd like to? Do you realise it might be that a marriage counsellor could do wonders to help get you back on track - if it's what you both want.

[peaksandvalleys]

Sorry nobody has replied to your thread, just saw this now.

 

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? How long have you felt disconnected from him and empty inside? Living life this way is no fun and being with someone and feeling alone/lonely is worse than being alone.

 

 

Thank you for replying. It has been going on for awhile. I have tried to speak with him, but he just says we will work through it. I guess without actually doing any work.

[peaksandvalleys]

Can you be more specific about your concerns? Are there red flags that make you think he might be cheating?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't know if there are any red flags, but I know my needs aren't being met and I am sure I am not meeting his. Resentment is building.

[peaksandvalleys]

How much have you spoken to him about your feelings and concerns? What don't you get/see from him that you'd like to? Do you realise it might be that a marriage counsellor could do wonders to help get you back on track - if it's what you both want.

He does not believe in counseling. I see one on my own. Or I did.

[winterpast]

Hi, I have been reading here for a few months at the suggestion of a friend. As I am sitting here in a hotel with the man I have been married to for 30 years next week. I feel empty. I look at him and I am not sure who he is, sadly I feel the same way about myself when I am with him. When we are apart I feel alive and content.

 

I don't want to do anything that will compromise my beliefs yet I feel like he already has. At the very least we are checked out and not working toward each other. I will keep reading here. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I'm going to ask A LOT of questions in order to gain insight on your relationship. Since everyone's situation is unique, I don't want to give advice without understanding everything.

 

How long have you felt like this?

Has there been any major life stress that has happened (ie lost job, financial problems etc.)?

What specific things does he do that bothers/concerns you the most? (examples are good).

[peaksandvalleys]

I'm going to ask A LOT of questions in order to gain insight on your relationship. Since everyone's situation is unique, I don't want to give advice without understanding everything.

 

How long have you felt like this?

I have felt like this for about 10 years. It has gotten worse since I realized that there is probably more life behind me than in front of me.

Has there been any major life stress that has happened (ie lost job, financial problems etc.)?

Finances aren't great but we are making it. Communication seems to be the biggest thing.

What specific things does he do that bothers/concerns you the most? (examples are good).

It sounds terrible but right now his breathing bothers me. Just the way his nose makes this nasally noise. I figure if I have focused so much on the small things, I am pretty resentful.

 

 

Answers in bold.

[winterpast]

I have tried to speak with him, but he just says we will work through it. I guess without actually doing any work.

He may not know how to work through it. Sometimes people need to be shown how to do things like that. Does he really listen and seem concerned about your feelings or does he cut you off with that response? It’s hard to accept but people don’t change overnight and sometimes they have to be taught how to treat people.

I will repost this in the infidelity section since it probably on the table.

I don't know if there are any red flags, but I know my needs aren't being met and I am sure I am not meeting his.

When you say that infidelity is on the table, are you thinking he has been unfaithful or is this meaning you may be headed in that direction? Has he expressed what needs have not been met for him?

I see one on my own. Or I did.

Why did you stop seeing your counselor?

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's easy to get resentful and see things about someone that may not have bothered you in the past. Try to look past that and into the core feelings. Are you still in love with him? Do you want to work on the marriage? I ask this because when my Husband and I got to the point of really considering marriage I had to really think about how much effort I was willing to put into it. If I didn't love him anymore or really wanted done with him then there would be no point in working on it.

[peaksandvalleys]

I don't think he really listens. He hears what I say and he responds to that. But it is habit. His responses are always to end the conversation because nothing is more important than what he wants to do or how he feels. If he is uncomfortable with something he will ignore it.

 

Infidelity is on the table for me because it has entered my mind(and no I don't like that). Has he cheated? I couldn't tell you. Do I think he has cheated? He has never given me any reason to believe he has but I am not naïve either. Anything is possible.

 

To be honest I have stopped asking him what is wrong or what does he need from me. It is always the same answer. Nothing or we will talk about it later. I stopped seeing the counselor because my work schedule has gotten extremely busy. It is hard to maintain an appointment when I can be sent out of town at a moments notice. I don't know if I love him or not. I am not in love with him and I don't like him at all as person so I am not sure what the next move is.

[winterpast]

I don't think he really listens. He hears what I say and he responds to that. But it is habit. His responses are always to end the conversation because nothing is more important than what he wants to do or how he feels. If he is uncomfortable with something he will ignore it.

 

Infidelity is on the table for me because it has entered my mind(and no I don't like that). Has he cheated? I couldn't tell you. Do I think he has cheated? He has never given me any reason to believe he has but I am not naïve either. Anything is possible.

 

To be honest I have stopped asking him what is wrong or what does he need from me. It is always the same answer. Nothing or we will talk about it later. I stopped seeing the counselor because my work schedule has gotten extremely busy. It is hard to maintain an appointment when I can be sent out of town at a moments notice. I don't know if I love him or not. I am not in love with him and I don't like him at all as person so I am not sure what the next move is.

 

I know you said that he doesn't believe in marriage counseling but it sounds like he needs to either go to that with you or see a personal therapist on his own.

 

As far as cheating, just reminds yourself that anyone that is willing to do that with you will do it to you.

 

Sounds like you don't feel like investing in the marriage anymore but if I am wrong then correct me. If you aren't in love with him and don't like him then leave. No point in living miserable.

[2sunny]

Since you're at a hotel - there must be reason to be there.

 

Sit him down - look into his eyes - put your hands around his face - and explain to him exactly how you feel...empty and alone when you're with him.

 

IF he's not willing to discuss SOLUTIONS to change things - then I suppose the conversation should lead to splitting up.

 

Give him your info - see IF he is willing to work on the issues of not feeling close and connected to each other.

[peaksandvalleys]

Since you're at a hotel - there must be reason to be there.

 

Sit him down - look into his eyes - put your hands around his face - and explain to him exactly how you feel...empty and alone when you're with him.

 

IF he's not willing to discuss SOLUTIONS to change things - then I suppose the conversation should lead to splitting up.

 

Give him your info - see IF he is willing to work on the issues of not feeling close and connected to each other.

 

 

Hi, 2sunny. We were at the hotel a few months ago and I was looking for something, somewhere to vent my thoughts. I have read here on and off over the years for different reasons and always found something interesting. So I posted I guess out of fear of my own thoughts.