Doubting our compatibility

[smitty5555]

Hello there,

 

I've been in a relationship for over 3.5 years with a wonderful girl and I am at a point where I feel I need to commit to her or break it off so we can go our separate ways. She is a wonderful girl, I love her and care for her deeply, but there is one part of our relationship that I continue to question: our intellectual compatibility.

 

I am a very curious person by nature; I come from a family that loves heated debates and in-depth discussions about topics like politics, history, economics, technology, business, science, etc. One of my favourite things to do is to connect with someone about more abstract/theoretical issues and discuss different perspectives. I also spend much of my spare time reading about many of these topics.

 

My gf IS a wonderful girl. She is funny and quirky, generally positive minded, very nurturing and active. We both enjoy watching movies/tv together (generally comedies/dramatic tv shows or food shows), traveling, keeping active, spending time with friends/family and playing board games. We used to work together and talk about that from time to time. We also have a dog together that we have bonded over and both adore.

 

However, she is not particularly curious. Her interests include running, food, music and reality tv/celebrity gossip. She also loves taking care of people/things, which is a quality I admire in her. But when it comes to learning about the world/discussing more cerebral topics, she kind of checks out. They're just not that interesting to her. She also is more sensitive by nature, and doesn't particularly like to debate, or discuss topics in-depth, which is tough for me, because I constantly feel like I need to hold back.

 

I have brought this up with her a few times recently and she has made an effort to participate in some of the things that I like to do, such as watching documentaries or the news. I am very grateful that she is even willing to do that! But I know she'll never be curious to the point that is ideal for me, and I know it's wrong for me to even expect it. So I know I have to fully accept her for who she is, or move on and find this quality in someone else.

 

Have any of you experienced something similar to this? Gotten married and had it work out? Or did you break up and regret it? Or even find a more compatible partner?

 

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

[Balzac]

Too risky to breed with such a woman. That's my only thought.

Whether you can tolerate her deficit is only the slippery slope.

[Auguria]

Oh, I understand you so well! I have an extremely curious nature and as such I read tremendous amounts of books, trying to explore all my intellectual abilities... I need to have profound, meaningful intellectual conversations with the man I am in a relationship with... It is the only way that I can reach an unbound emotional connection... If you do not find this with your girlfriend, I am afraid it will never change. It is her make up, she cannot force herself to be interested in the mysteries of the world... I know, I would feel highly unsatisfied with such a relationship.

[smitty5555]

I should add one thing - it's not that she isn't smart. I actually believe she is an intelligent person. She is very successful at her job. She's also very creative and has a great problem solving mind. But she's just not curious. I think that is the problem for me.

[Balzac]

Also a problem for future children. Successful at her job relative as is creativity.

Definitely hard to socialize in the intellectual zip code and talk

about reality TV and TMZ.

 

I admit to bias for intellectual and curious.

[LittleTiger]

However, she is not particularly curious. Her interests include running, food, music and reality tv/celebrity gossip. She also loves taking care of people/things, which is a quality I admire in her. But when it comes to learning about the world/discussing more cerebral topics, she kind of checks out. They're just not that interesting to her. She also is more sensitive by nature, and doesn't particularly like to debate, or discuss topics in-depth, which is tough for me, because I constantly feel like I need to hold back.

 

I have brought this up with her a few times recently and she has made an effort to participate in some of the things that I like to do, such as watching documentaries or the news. I am very grateful that she is even willing to do that! But I know she'll never be curious to the point that is ideal for me, and I know it's wrong for me to even expect it. So I know I have to fully accept her for who she is, or move on and find this quality in someone else.

 

If you feel that she doesn't have the qualities that you consider important in a partner then you should break it off. You can't expect someone to change so that they become what you want them to be.

 

She is who she is, if you don't love, respect and admire her that way, then she's not the right woman for you.

[Almond_Joy]

Hello there,

 

I've been in a relationship for over 3.5 years with a wonderful girl and I am at a point where I feel I need to commit to her or break it off so we can go our separate ways. She is a wonderful girl, I love her and care for her deeply, but there is one part of our relationship that I continue to question: our intellectual compatibility.

 

I am a very curious person by nature; I come from a family that loves heated debates and in-depth discussions about topics like politics, history, economics, technology, business, science, etc. One of my favourite things to do is to connect with someone about more abstract/theoretical issues and discuss different perspectives. I also spend much of my spare time reading about many of these topics.

 

My gf IS a wonderful girl. She is funny and quirky, generally positive minded, very nurturing and active. We both enjoy watching movies/tv together (generally comedies/dramatic tv shows or food shows), traveling, keeping active, spending time with friends/family and playing board games. We used to work together and talk about that from time to time. We also have a dog together that we have bonded over and both adore.

 

However, she is not particularly curious. Her interests include running, food, music and reality tv/celebrity gossip. She also loves taking care of people/things, which is a quality I admire in her. But when it comes to learning about the world/discussing more cerebral topics, she kind of checks out. They're just not that interesting to her. She also is more sensitive by nature, and doesn't particularly like to debate, or discuss topics in-depth, which is tough for me, because I constantly feel like I need to hold back.

 

I have brought this up with her a few times recently and she has made an effort to participate in some of the things that I like to do, such as watching documentaries or the news. I am very grateful that she is even willing to do that! But I know she'll never be curious to the point that is ideal for me, and I know it's wrong for me to even expect it. So I know I have to fully accept her for who she is, or move on and find this quality in someone else.

 

Have any of you experienced something similar to this? Gotten married and had it work out? Or did you break up and regret it? Or even find a more compatible partner?

 

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

 

The dynamic between my bf and I is the same except the roles are reversed.

 

I like to ruminate over pretty much any concept and am curious about everything. He could care less about the things he's not directly interested in.

 

The perspective I've come to adopt that makes me happy with this dynamic is this:

 

Because I am so curious, I always have my fingers in a lot of pies, mentally speaking. So although I can focus on 1 concept or two in depth for a time, I end up eventually moving onto other concepts and other things, other modes of thinking and assessing things. This does lead me to abandon trains of thought or concepts that may be worth retaining for the long run, or even getting back to seeing things in a certain perspective because my frame of mind changes so much with all the new concepts I introduce myself to and explore.

 

Because my bf sticks to a few concepts and interests mentally, he is more consistent and stable with his perspective on things. This means that when I'm mentally ruminating about things that are....let's say erratic or too disconnected from the customs of everyday living, my bf is sort of like an anchor that can help me root or center myself mentally and bring me back to a more balanced and consistent perspective on things.

 

Curiosity is good and I love that about myself, but so is consistency, which I also value and respect a lot. Sometime curiosity and long term consistency do not go hand in hand, so for me I find it important to interact with people who are a bit more grounded mentally. I will always have that stability in my bf. Sure some of his perspective s will change with time and age, that's just how life works, but those changes won't be nearly as frequent or erratic as mine.

 

Hope this perspective helps.

[dichotomy]

As Rosas mentioned this is kind of your family culture and you would desire this in your wife.

 

My first wife, and I separated in small part, because she felt intellectually above me, perhaps even embarrassed among her friends? Phd snob.

 

However, when it comes to the bonds between a wife and husband - love, caring, pleasing, roles, beliefs, sex, respect, emotional bonding, sacrifice for your mate over your own needs, are all above intellectually compatibility I think. Look a what is complained about in the marriage or divorce sections, and you will see what the issues mentioned are for marriages failing. How does you gal fit with those things? Is she the type to want to pelase you, does she respect and adore you, is she willing to be a good wife and maybe mom some day? You need to respect and value a woman you commit to.

 

Further, I see no violation of vows or marriage if you "go outside the relationship or eventual marriage" to fulfill any additional "intellectual needs" you have. Compared to say going outside the marriage for sex, or emotions, adoration or fun.

 

Still you do have this family culture and picture in your head of what your own family should be like - and I think that will be hard for you to part with.....but then again you might find a smart gal who is also cold, or boring, or other things your current gal is not. tough choice.

Edited May 26, 2013 by dichotomy

[2sunny]

If you feel you need to change her in order to stay interested - I'd suggest breaking it off.

 

You shouldn't feel the need to change the core interests of the person in order to stay connected/feel the love for her.

 

What if age really expected you to change something significant about yourself? That's just disrespectful - and makes it difficult as time goes along.

[subversive]

You have to make the decision here. You can either accept her as she is or not. Only you know the answer.

[eleve82]

My personal opinion is this - don't expect someone to be everything you need in life (best friend, wife, mentor, cheerleader, debate team, companion for activities), rolled into one, because I'm 100% sure you aren't perfect to her either. Only you can decide what is important in a wife - intellectual discussions, or everything else - which sounds damned near perfect to me.

 

The question you need to ask is this - WHY do you feel a need to have debates or deep intellectual discussions with her? Do you have friends or colleagues that you can engage with in such activities meaningfully? If not, why? I have many many friends that I spend hours debating about anything I like, I don't need to lean on my partner for that - my jobs also requires plenty of analytical thinking - I don't feel an innate desire to talk hours on end about the mysteries of the world after a challenging day at work or satisfying discussion with friends. In fact, most people with intellectually demanding jobs want to come home to someone who is sensitive, caring and loving, - someone who understands them, and can relate to human problems, not engage in another debate about whether Obama should get reelected, or whether banks should have tighter regulations in place.

 

What if you place great emphasis on working out at the gym -- should she then spend hours at the gym working out with you then? Should you then find a gf who is a fitness instructor? Why can't you satisfy your own intellectual hobbies or pursue your own interests on your own, independently? Make sure you aren't losing the plot while you are being paralysed with analysis on whether she is "the one" for you. It is more important that you know you can grow with someone - and are fundamentally happy with YOURSELF - you are not shopping for a car to complete your image or compensate for another missing area in your life, because trust me, people's needs do change.

 

In the first place, it is not healthy to impose your interests (which will change over time, I'm sure) and standards on someone else - your partner is not joined to you at the hip and you shouldn't have to rely on her for all your emotional, physical, and intellectual needs. In the second, if you truly are such an intellectually curious person, your job and social circle should reflect that and you would not feel like you are "holding back" at all.

 

Otherwise, I get the impression that you are relying too much on your gf to "complete your life". Sorry, but that's not how relationships works - because I'm sure everyone would love to have a perfect partner that takes care of their "needs" - that doesn't exist.

 

You also need to separate intellect from wisdom/maturity. She sounds like a mature and sensitive person, if she likes taking care of people. You will be hard pressed to find many like her these days, but I can guarantee you will find plenty of very intellectual, opinionated girls out there with a whole load of other qualities that come with being more assertive and dominating.

 

Now, I'm assuming there is a difference between having meaningful discussions (life, family, the human condition, personal problems) versus intellectual discussions (mathematics, politics, physics etc). If she is not capable of saying anything remotely insightful or engaging when presented with a problem dear to you, this is a whole different story.

 

The last point I'd make is this, don't assume that she is not capable of having intellectually challenging discussions with you. Just because she doesn't see her domestic life as involving such discussions doesn't mean she isn't intellectually curious. I often abstain from such debates precisely because I can get very passionate about discussions and some people find it intimidating. My ex and i were both very passionate about such intellectual discussions and guess what happened? We argued nonstop about things that had nothing to do with us. Yet, I find myself being able to have very rewarding relationships without having to do any mental gymnastics because I find other things in them that I value and can satisfy this need elsewhere.

 

In short, think very carefully about why it is you feel this way and if there are other ways to fulfil this need, because if this is the only "complaint" you have, you'd be deceiving yourself by thinking there is someone else out there who is "perfect".

[soccerrprp]

I married to a woman for over 12 years who didn't have some of my "intellectual" interests. Of course it can work. You learn to adapt and more importantly, frankly, there must be other qualities that you value more. Right? Considering you stayed with her for 3.5 years KNOWING DAILY that she did not have the same zeal for so-called intellectual debate and discussion. Is this what it's about, or is there something else, I wonder. You've known for 3.5 years....now that you feel you need to make the next step in your relationship, you it "suddenly" worries you that she is not verbally, intellectually compatible?

[Emilia]

Have any of you experienced something similar to this? Gotten married and had it work out? Or did you break up and regret it? Or even find a more compatible partner?

 

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

 

Each time I date a thicko it's purely for looks or for their bubbly personality. It won't work long term, you will get bored.

 

The debating part you need to watch out for though. That's a problem for me and I have to hold back too, even with men. You would think that they were more relaxed or assertive about these things but they either get worked up or they get distressed thinking that they will upset me. Almost without exception.

 

My advice is to find an intellectually compatible partner but perhaps find another outlet (like a debating society) for discussing issues. Having said that, when I'm talking to someone who is equally curious, I don't feel the need to debate quite as much.

[SensitiveTJ]

I wrote basically this same thread a few weeks ago in the Marriage+LP section. I'm in the same boat as OP...still haven't figured out what to do, honestly.