dianemass Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 I have been with my husband since I was 15 . Married at 18 . Had 3 sons . I am 38 now . We have had alot of ups and downs but nothing like what came to light last week . My sister is 10 years younger than me and I have always just about been her mom . She has always been jealous of the fact that my mom and I are pretty close . My mothers husband of 24 years was killed unexpectedly in August and I spent alot of time with my mother . She was with him when he was killed and this has been very tramtic for my whole family . While my mother and I were at a grief support group my sister was very angry because she didn't kow where we were and started calling our houses screaming . The next morning my mom called and asked me to come over . It seems when my sis was yelling the night before she blurted out that she had had sex with my husband 3 years go when he brought her to a motel after she got thrown out of where she was . She said she was drunk and that she didn't realize what they had done until afterwards . That he begged her not to tell me . I felt like I was punched in the stomache . I came home dazed . He knew something was wrong and stayed away from me for 4 days , I said nothing to him because I wanted to talk to my sister first . She wouldn't talk to me . after the 4 days of crying , shaking and vomititng I finally talked to him . He said they had sex that day . That they had done something else about 6 months before that too . All he does is cry , and beg me to stay with him , that he will hurt himself if I leave him . My sister still won't talk to me . Now she says they didn't actually have sex [to my poor mom who seems to have been dragged into this nightmare when she is still dealing with her own loss and grief ] In the 3 years since this happened I have been a good wife and mom and a good sister . I was always there for both of them . Picking my sister up when she'd call at 3 am from a police station . Trying to keep my husband happy who has always been moody and difficult at times . I really can't talk to anyone about this and my dear husband is still threatening to kill himself if I leave . Right now I just want to take my kids and run from this whole situation . My heart is so heavy . My family is just about ruined . I appreciate any advice . Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted October 3, 2004 Share Posted October 3, 2004 Dang! I'm so very sorry for what you're going through... Right now you need to NOT make this about whats best for your husband, you need to do what is right for you. Of course you have every right to be angry, sick, upset... Infidelity is the worst kind of betrayl and it only makes it worse that it was with two people who were suppose to love and care about you. It sounds like your sister has never grown up... and who knows what her reasons were or are for what she did... the point is there isn't, wasn't and couldn't be a reason good enough to have betrayed you like this. I think your husband is a jackass for his participation in it, but I think your sister is even worse... she is blood. Personally, I know I couldn't get past this (for either one of them) there are some things, that time simply cannot take care of.... Do whatever it is you need to do to make yourself okay... take care of your kiddo's and at this point... let your "dear" husband fend for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 You can't take a giant magic eraser and erase the past. What happened has happened. You need to start rebuilding your relationship with both your husband and with your sister and expect this to take a very long time. I'm no expert, but have the three of you sat down together to hash out the whole thing? I'm not sure if that's the right thing or not though. Anyone? Have you looked into marriage counselling? It hasn't been very long since you found out and also since your mother's husbands death so maybe it's just time you need to go through all the emotional stages of what has occurred. Link to post Share on other sites
marriagesucks Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 if i were you i would leave. and i would tell them that they should have thought about the consequences of what they did when they did it. i wish i had left my husband when i found out he cheated on me for the first time. instead i stayed with him and blamed it on myself. and from then on he cheated on me over and over and treated me like sh*t and now we are getting a divorce because i decided that an eye for an eye was the best way to communicate with him since talking to him about things never made a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 That's a low blow. At times I recommend forgiveness, but how can you forgive something this horrendous? She will always be your sister and I'd imagine that there would always be hard feelings if he were to hang around. You need to kick them both to the curb. And I wish you and your family (minus the hooch sister)well. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 I can not even imagine what you are going thru right now and I have the up most respect for you for holding it togeather this well so far. You are obviously a very strong woman and you can get thru this!! but I think that you should probably see a theripist and concentrate what YOU want and let your self greive for awhile without having to worry about faimly matters at this time. Take some time for yourself and really listen to your heart on this one. Do things for yourself and treat your self well untill you fuigure this one out. You've been thru hell and you deserve to be pampered now. Plus you can't properly take care of children if you can't take care of yourself. Good Luck dear and we are always here. Link to post Share on other sites
marriagesucks2 Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 i also agree with the last two posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dianemass Posted October 15, 2004 Author Share Posted October 15, 2004 Thank you so much for your replies , writing this was scary . I am still here at home . I agree completely that I need to see a therapist . We started going to church [ I have gone sporadiclly here and there , he would never come until now ] but I can't even talk to my minister about this because the whole situation is humiliating . Saying it outloud to someone will truly bring it home I think . Not only cheated on but with my sister ?!? I asked him the other night why did it have to be my own sister ? he says he was just crazy then , going through something , mid life crisis , all sorts of reasons . He wants to make plans for the future and I can't . I had always told him if he ever cheated on me that I would leave so he knew . He keeps telling me he loves me and I just want to scream . I woke up to him crying the other night , he was upset because he heard me whimpering in my sleep again . I keep having nightmares . About my stepdads accident , the surgeon telling my mom that despite their best efforts they couldn't save him , we were all there . Pictures in my head of my husband and sister together . I don't mean to go on about this . The other night at the store some guy asked me how I was and I blurted out ' pretty sh&^%y " he stopped what he was doing and said 'I'm sorry " I went out to my car and cried . It's kind of hard to believe right now that there are nice people out there but it seems I found some great ones here . Thank you . Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 Church may help, I am trying it right now with my current relationship, but he needs to ask god for forgiveness, and make sure he WANTS to be there for himself not just because you want him to go.... I think you need a vacation ALONE Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 I can't even talk to my minister about this because the whole situation is humiliating . Saying it outloud to someone will truly bring it home I think I can't urge you strongly enough to find a trustworthy, caring, discreet person (which I hope your minister is) and go ahead and say the reality out loud. It is not your shame, it is theirs. And I KNOW that you will feel better for having spoken it. Like you probably felt some relief just from posting here. Name your worst fear, and it cannot consume you. What is your worst fear and greatest grief about this? That you are not woman enough to satisfy him? That they are both secretly mocking you behind your back? That this confirms your fundamental undesirability as a wife and partner for all time? That you and your family are shamed? Name it, face it, knock it down. And if you're still standing up and breathing, I am sure you have the strenth to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
nerdlady Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 dianne mas--- I am in exactly the same situation as you---my sister got angry over my mother's will and first accused my husband of raping her, told me she would never speak to me again for allowing it somehow and then, they both admit they have had sex, love, the whole shebangg off and on for the past ten years. She said she hates me for having my husband, wanted revenge. She blames me for everything that went wrong in her life. It's been two years now since I found this out, most of the family isn't talking to me like it's all my fault. I cried solid for a year,I now don't trust anybody and am scared to be around even my freinds. My husband is begging me to keep him, and he and his family claim I'm crazy and cold-hearted. My beloved sister won't talk, told me to get out of her life and stay out. After two years I am still here, living like a zombie. My kids are disgusted, everyone wonders why I can't just buck up and swallow the whole thing. I even slipped into drug abuse to cope with the past two years and now I am dealing with early recovery on top of everything else. I am just now beginning to realize that I will never get past this, it's just too big. But I am sick over the lonliness I face. I have been married twenty years. I am broken beyond repair. Or so it seems to me just now. What has happened to our world? I really feel for you and am so sorry for what you are going through. somehow there must be a way to survive, must there? ---bebe Link to post Share on other sites
Author dianemass Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 I am so sorry . I know how you feel hun . I feel like the biggest idiot in the world . Your sister sounds just like mine . Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
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