Just engaged...but can't stop worrying

[Vanessa-Anne]

Hi

 

I just recently got engaged, Im 21 and he is 24, were both incredibly happy and very much in love, he is absolutely perfect & we get along so well. I wont bore you all with how happy we are, but there is a little problem... I keep thinking we will end up divorcing in like 20 years time! I keep seeing older people around us who have been married/together for 18 years or along those lines and they ALWAYS divorce, I dont know a single married couple in my family that have been married for more than like 5 years without cheating on eachother. It terrifies me. I keep thinking that we will end up another stupid statistic, Its the scariest thing. My head keeps saying to me 'Is there such thing as too happy?' 'Will he still love me in 20/30 years?' I cannot wait to get married I just don't want things to go wrong, because Im so happy I just never want this to end. Ever. I want to grow old with this man, and argue about what bread we buy. I guess as my mum was mistreated by her ex husbands & it has really unsettled me.

 

Are there people out there that have been together for more than a few years? Can married couples last in this day & age?

 

I've told him and he says he would never leave me... what If I get fat or ugly or loose a leg, what then? How would you know how a 31 year old version of yourself would react?

 

Apologies if this sounds silly compared to everyone else's problems :/

[subversive]

No one can read the future. When you marry, you are committing to that person for life. You aren't always going to be happy. You aren't always going to feel like you love him. You will come across people that you will be attracted to. So will he. You are making a vow to choose to love him when you don't feel it, and to stay faithful even when the grass is looking very green on the other side. To forgive when he won't apologize, and to meet his needs when he isn't meeting yours.

 

My parents have been somewhat unhappily married for 45 years, but have never strayed and gave me a very stable childhood. They definitely love each other though their relationship is filled with resentment. ( married one month after graduating high school )

 

My sister has been married for 17 years and says she no longer loves her husband. (married at 22/24)

 

My other sister has been married for 14 years and has a relationship with her husband that many people envy. They have two serious compatibility issues that most people would consider deal breakers, but have a lot of respect for each other. Each thinks of the other spouse and gives 110%.

(married at 23/24)

 

My crazy-ass brother and his crazy-ass wife have been married for 25 years, verbally abuse each other, are horrible people, but are made for each other, co-dependent, and will never split up. (shotgun wedding at 19)

 

I can tell you that resentment is a big problem from what I have seen. Fighting over something small because of something that happened 30 years ago - that's my parents.

 

I can tell you that men want the respect of their wife and women want to feel loved by their husband. I'm not an expert; this is just me watching other couples and trying to learn from their mistakes.

 

How long have you two been together?

[subversive]

Apologies if this sounds silly compared to everyone else's problems :/

 

It's not silly, by the way. You have formally promised to marry this guy - that is a decision that affects the rest of your life.

[melodicintention]

My advice is, if you are feeling this worry in your gut, then you need to listen to it. Your intuition is there for a reason. Can you speak to a psychologist, a counselor or some other professional (someone non-biased) about these feelings? Also, you can go to couples counseling without being married. It might be healthy before marrying to see a professional to sort these issues out.

[hoping2heal]

Hi

 

I just recently got engaged, Im 21 and he is 24, were both incredibly happy and very much in love, he is absolutely perfect & we get along so well. I wont bore you all with how happy we are, but there is a little problem... I keep thinking we will end up divorcing in like 20 years time! I keep seeing older people around us who have been married/together for 18 years or along those lines and they ALWAYS divorce, I dont know a single married couple in my family that have been married for more than like 5 years without cheating on eachother. It terrifies me. I keep thinking that we will end up another stupid statistic, Its the scariest thing. My head keeps saying to me 'Is there such thing as too happy?' 'Will he still love me in 20/30 years?' I cannot wait to get married I just don't want things to go wrong, because Im so happy I just never want this to end. Ever. I want to grow old with this man, and argue about what bread we buy. I guess as my mum was mistreated by her ex husbands & it has really unsettled me.

 

Are there people out there that have been together for more than a few years? Can married couples last in this day & age?

 

I've told him and he says he would never leave me... what If I get fat or ugly or loose a leg, what then? How would you know how a 31 year old version of yourself would react?

 

Apologies if this sounds silly compared to everyone else's problems :/

 

For the past 2 weeks I watched my Grandma fade away, with her husband (and only husband!) of 62 years holding her hand, giving her kisses, etc. Commitment is possible. It's just a value that 2 people need to share. You have to understand that there may be ebb and flow from time to time. There will be things that preoccupy you to the point where you can't even think of your husband and vice versa. You make that choice to be committed and you don't break that for anything and a deeper love will emerge each time.

 

Unfortunately, we're living in a generation that has turned people into objects and the value of one another has been lost for many people. People playing games, people objectifying one another, people manipulating the response they want, etc. It's very sad but that doesn't have to become you or your husband or happen in your marriage.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Maybe have a long engagement? I feel like it depends how long you have been together I just skimmed your post so idk if you mentioned that but idk seems young to me... Whether or not it'll last is really up to you remember the regular divorce rate is over 50% and then look at marriages that happen at your age... Just saying.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Maybe have a long engagement? I feel like it depends how long you have been together I just skimmed your post so idk if you mentioned that but idk seems young to me... Whether or not it'll last is really up to you remember the regular divorce rate is over 50% and then look at marriages that happen at your age... Just saying.

 

This is a terrible thing to say.

OP, nothing in life is guaranteed, some work some don't. Whether it lasts will depends on the BOTH of you.

A marriage takes two, just hold up your end of the bargain and know that no matter what, you kept your promise. If there is one thing I can say it is this,

a failed marriage does not make you a failure.

 

 

With that being said, I wish you all the best and greatest happiness. It can work, and all you can do is live as if it will.

[Eggplant]

I keep thinking we will end up divorcing in like 20 years time!

Twenty years is long enough to raise several kids to adulthood, so I'd even consider marriages that last 20 years a sort of success. I'd personally love to grow old with my partner, but 20 years is not to be taken for granted either.